help i guess?

[BlueSugar]

I need help with my story, I guess I just need a proof read on it and a little bit of input. Its only my second story, and its the first I'm asking help on from Lit members, i tried the editors forum, but no response and I guess I'm inpatient. so do i just post it here, or send it in a pm/email? help.. anyone?

 

[BlueSugar]

guess i'll just post it anyway...

Vacation Stories pt.1

**************************

I wanted him as he sat there naked on the couch on the middle cushion, me on my knees kneeling before him, in just a pair of my socks (knee high, black and red stripes). I touched his knees, spreading them wide so I could kneel comfortably ...beside the fact that, the way we were set up would have made a very sexy picture. I kissed up one side of his leg, my hands massaging his legs as I go, kneading his body and muscles till every muscle in his body but one was relaxed. He could feel my warm breath on his thighs as I inched up his leg getting closer to his sex. I continued to skip over his sex, but kissed his tummy instead and slipped to nibble kiss down his other leg till I rested my head on his knee and gave him a little smile. He whimpered and looked away, placing his hand on my head, combing his fingers through my hair and tugging it slightly to show his impatience. I showed a little mercy… I slid my lips up his thigh, and to his sex finally, I kissed around his stomach softly, below his belly button, letting my long hair brush over his body from one side to the other as I moved from one hip to the other until I thought he could not take it anymore.

I then slipped my tongue over the length of his sex slowly... licking softly from the base up to the tip, running my teeth under the ridge. I sucked it with my lips up and down its length and made sure I did not miss any of it. I would gently run my teeth on the underside of it, down that sensitive nerve, nipping it teasingly. His little whimpers tell me how he feels and I smile to myself, very happy that it is pleasing him, I know I may be a bit of a tease … but where is the fun in not being one?
Looking up to him again, he tugs my head again slightly rougher, making me moan slightly against his sex, and he directs my head to the top, pushing my lips over him, I take him into my mouth as he so subtly suggests, swishing my tongue around all I have in my mouth, and then I moan purposely because it was turning me on, and because I knew he liked the slight vibrations anyway… and I felt his fingers curl again, urging me on. I slipped slowly further down the length of him, taking as much as I could even with his subconscious pushing, and then I was nestled down at the base of his sex, licking my tongue back and forth, up and down but remaining where I was, and I could feel his head loll to the side to get a better look so I turned my head to help him see, his slight gasp said it all.

After a few seconds I moved back up his sex, taking a breath of air, barely letting my lips leave him… then I quickly slipped back down his length and he shifted slightly at the surprise, I went at him slightly faster, quickening and staying low, coming up only when I had to breath, his whole body changed from tense to relaxed repeatedly every time I hit a nice spot or did something he liked with my tongue. I pivoted my head from side to side, flicking my tongue over the sides of his sex, which made him slit a little taller and grab at my head slightly I stayed right there, making him come so, so close, teasing and urging it out of him … and then I stopped and backed up off him completely and his body was one big knot of disappointment, but I just smiled… not yet, no … no, not yet, I still want to play, I want to enjoy this as much or more then he is.

My knees were starting to feel weak, my body becoming tensed as well, and I was getting very turned on, I enjoy turning him on so much, I love playing and manipulating him with my body like this. Getting him close and then bringing him back down so he can enjoy it, but more so, so I can do it for longer.

I run my hand over him, squeezing him, jerking him slowly to keep him hard, and I nibble at his thigh a little as my other hand takes the glass from next to me and I take a sip, letting the cool liquid fill my mouth. I sit back up slightly and place my lips over him, taking in a few inches, letting the liquid pop and fizzle around him, letting the carbonation of the soda tease sensitive areas of him… I swallowed hard and took more of him creating sudden suction and I slipped down him further till the soda was gone and I was at the base of him again, all that was left was a little bit of the syrup making him taste sweeter. He tugged at my hair in surprise and pleasure, moving my head over him quicker and quicker, I let him have me his way for a while. I was keeping up with the speed of his hands pushing on my head and his hips coming up to meet my lips. I swallowed again creating more suction which made him go faster, I slipped my tongue over his sex pushing firmly with my lips trying to make it as pleasurable as I could. I moved my head so he could even watch. I like when he watches, but I’m sure his eyes are closed now… he is lost in the moment, in the pleasure and I groan around him just thinking about it, I could feel how wet I was now and it was making me so horny.

I could only imagine what this may look to some voyeur watching us… me kneeling between his wide knees, him practically having his way with my mouth, my sex and the insides of my thighs getting wetter and wetter as he winds his fingers in my hair as the both of us whimper and groan together, slight sucking noises and kissing noises every time he bumps against my lips.

I gained some measure of control and pushed his hips back down, slipping my hands over his almost asking permission of I could continue, and thankfully he slowed and allowed me to take over again, I quickly placed a small piece of crushed ice in my mouth from the cup and put my lips over him again, slinking inch by inch down his sex, the cold and the hot of my mouth alternating by moving my tongue made him gasp and tug my hair even louder and harder, which only made my sex wetter and my mouth speed up over him reaching the pace he almost set before when he had his way with me. He moved my hair out of the way so he could watch, and I enjoy this as well because I get to put on a little show… I showed off like a good girl. I stuck my tongue out and licked him as I moved up and down, and I moved my head from side to side when I had just the head in my mouth, running my teeth on the sensitive ridge.

I repeated this until I pivoted over him so I could lick just the side of his sex, which made him sit up and inhale through his teeth… I did it forcefully and I knew just a little more of this and he would finish, so I kept going, a little rougher with him, moving my hands up his thighs to grab at them a little, going faster and faster until I knew he was just about ready… I could feel him flex against my lips, and he was noticeably thicker making me choke a little, he was as I say “hard hard,” like the wall or like wood, and I love when he is like this, I just want to stop now and slip my body over him to feel him inside, but no… not yet, soon… and then I stopped what I was doing and heard him whimper, I felt bad, but only for a few seconds. I went back to just licking and sucking around him, and he pushed himself against my lips, moving his hand over himself and I smiled to him but he looked away and kept moving his sex over my lips until I licked my lips, opened my mouth and took him again... I could still taste the syrup from the soda, makes me want to do that again, but I refrain, I know if I don’t let him finish soon there will be hell to pay. J.

I move my hand to the base of his sex, and in unison I move my mouth and hand over him, faster and faster, applying the pressure he likes and moving my tongue. He places his hand over mine to stop it… only giving me a couple of inches of him… so I run my tongue over him repeatedly, swirling my tongue around and around until his hand becomes shaky and leaves me again to continue to go down on him. He curls one of his hands back through my hair; the other is around my chin and lips, feeling my slip over his sex. He touches my lips, and himself, my chin and again my lips and himself then moves his hand to my neck and shoulder and rubs slightly… and with all the tension of being in the same place for so long, I moan over his sex again because it feels so good. I slow down and speed up for a little while, continuing to play with him and enjoy it, I would love to keep going and switch off with him all night like this, but we both need more then that after a while of the teasing.

I speed up to the same pace he had before, and I tighten my hand over him to how he showed me once, and I can feel his body tense and relax getting confused and lost in the sensations of pleasure. He gets extra hard again, and I can feel him flexing against my lips again, but I continue on, keeping the speed and pleasure. I run my tongue back and forth over his sex, and I tighten my lips around him, and I started to feel his hips rise and fall slightly getting inpatient and ready all at the same time… and then it was his turn to surprise me.

He grabbed the hand that was around him and moved it to his thigh, and then lifted my chin slightly so that he was doing a little more then I was, he was taking over again and moving his hand over himself… he pushed me down further so that I was practically on my hands and knees, and he sat on the edge of the couch, most of him still in my mouth, but my face was turned up slightly, I closed my eyes knowing what was going to happen, I started to try to suck more because his movements were becoming more erratic, barely keeping himself inside my mouth… and then he pulled away completely and jerked himself a few more times and then he finished… it hit my lips and my cheek a little. It hit my chin and the last of it I opened my mouth for and made my lips surround his sex… I slipped my mouth over him a few more times as he panted, eyes closed and fell back against the couch again still holding himself, and then I stopped, knowing it was sensitive shortly after he finished.

Before he opened his eyes I grabbed the tissue box that was on the floor and wiped him off of me, and I drank the rest of the soda clearing my mouth of him (not because it was gross, but because he didn’t like the taste of himself), and then I checked myself… the tops of my socks were a little damp… I blushed to myself… I placed my head on his knee… my hands massaging his lower leg muscles and the muscles on his outer thigh, letting my fingertips drop to the bed. Then I looked up to him and smiled, and he smiled back and exhaled slowly.

“You give great head…” he said, almost breathlessly with a post orgasmic goofy grin on his face.



I laughed… knowing that the night was young…



***********************************

To be continued…

 

[BlueSugar]

a bunch of views but no comments? Am I doing something wrong, did I break a cardinal rule of the Author's hangout? point me in the right direction, I didn't mean to appear like a noob.

 

[Guest]

You aren't a noob!

Welcome, by the way -

Usually people ask for feedback in the Story Feedback Forum. That may be why you haven't gotten a reply!

May I offer a few suggestions? (And please bear in mind it is late on a Friday evening and I am drinking heavily.)

I do like what you've written. The imagery is lusty and lovely and your characters are drawn well. But -

First - your paragraphs are a bit long. It is difficult to read long paragraphs scrolling on-line. You probably should break them up into smaller pieces.

Secondly - your sentences are lengthy as well. Very complex - sometimes to the point of mild confusion. You should break these up as well.

Next - get rid of the ellipses. The( . . . ) all over your story. You don't need them, really. They only get in your way.

Here is part of your story -
"After a few seconds I moved back up his sex, taking a breath of air, barely letting my lips leave him… then I quickly slipped back down his length and he shifted slightly at the surprise, I went at him slightly faster, quickening and staying low, coming up only when I had to breath, his whole body changed from tense to relaxed repeatedly every time I hit a nice spot or did something he liked with my tongue."

That is all just one sentence. You can easily spread it out.

After a few seconds I moved back up his sex. Taking a breath of air, I barely let my lips leave him. Then I quickly slipped back down his length.

He shifted quickly at the surprise, and I went at him slightly faster, coming up only when I had to breath. His whole body repeatedly changed from tense to relaxed every time I hit a nice spot or did something he liked with my tongue.

I didn't do much, but I think it really makes things so much easier to read.

I hope some of this helps?

Good luck!

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Blue,

You didn't exactly break a Cardinal rule, but it is not really proper to just post a story either, that you plan to submit. (comic stories of a fun nature are considerably different) Really, that is why the feedback forum is there.

Yes, there are rules about that as well. You can find them at the top of the story feedback page.

There is also the Editor's Forum which can locate an editor with a bit more reliablity. I know it can be frustrating as many of the editors never reply back like they agreed to do.

I would never normally reply to a story posted either. It tends to encourage others to post stories out of the sequence format. Looking for a quick response. I do not think that is what you were trying to do.

None the less I still would not read the story here, as I do not promote story posting in the forums. That does not mean others can not reply, that is up to them.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, since you’re already here…

First of all, I would suggest that you pick a verb tense and stick with it throughout. This piece has present, past, and infinitive tenses alternating, sometimes in the same sentence, which makes it kind of disorienting to read.

The other thing I would say is more of a personal preference: the piece reads a lot like a how-to manual. You tell us what you’re doing, and in extreme detail, but it’s just not very visual: we don’t really see what you’re doing. It’s a lot eaiser for readers to visualize a picture of what’s happening than it is to imagine what it might feel like, and it’s possible to go into too much detail about an act until the meaning of the act is lost. It kind of reminds me of those XXX movies where they constantly zoom in in on the organs and ignore the people using them: after a while those meat shots get kind of tedious. Too much close focus. I think that’s kind of the problem here, at least for me.

You’re a very sensual writer. I just think you just have to pull the camera back a little and put the acts in context.

If you want more help with the story, go over to the “Story Discussion Circle” where we have a story workshop. You can post your unfinished story there and get some pretty good analysis and suggestions, and we haven’t had a story to work on in a while now.

---dr.M.

 

[BlueSugar]

i was reading the forum stickys and they were a little confusing, thank you for the help so far feel free to delete the thread completly. I figured there was something I was missing, and there is a first for everything.
Thank you for pointing me in the right direction everyone!

 

[Guest]

Hola, Blue. Welcome. You were impatient obviously, and sometimes that's rude but newbies are excused much.

I agree with Mab.'s comments. The writing's basically fine, but for me it became boring very quickly as there was nothing to it but the too clinical descriptions; I had no reason, not even stroke, to go on. There were no characters there, or anything very special about the language, two requirements for me.

Keep at it.

Perdita

 

[snooper]

Blue,
You didn't exactly break a Cardinal rule, but it is not really proper to just post a story either, that you plan to submit. (comic stories of a fun nature are considerably different) Really, that is why the feedback forum is there. ...

Yes. When the moderator spots it she will delete it.

 

[raphy]

*grins* ..

Well, as the others have said.. Welcome and yes, you're excused *winks*...

On a more serious 'story feedback' note .. I think this is another case of the old adage - Show, don't tell.

You're telling us. I did this, he did that, I did this, then he did that.

Show us, don't tell us. I'd love to provide you with an example of the difference, but I'm afraid my brain has shut down today (not a great sign, since I was supposed to be writing later)

I'm sure someone else can carry on from where I've left off though. Lots of talented writers around here.