Help for Little Girl Lost?

[Varian P]

Hi everybody.

I've just gotten through a tremendous rewrite of Little Girl Lost, and I would sure love to hear what people think.

In particular I’d be grateful for feedback on how the pacing and mood are working. Oh yes—and please tell me how you like the sex .

The tender-hearted are warned: non-consensual encounters ahead.

Thanks!

Varian

 

[AmoralAuthor]

Interesting. The story, itself, is simple so far. I like the concept, but I think the identification with Conrad should be taken a bit further to make her attraction to him more realistic. What is it about him that helps her overcome her fear and horror? Her reactions are clear enough, but I think the psychology of it needs a bit more. I'd think along the lines of Stockholm's Syndrome (the identification toward the kidnapper by the victim), but it's up to you, of course.

That's the only real problem I had with the context of it. But there are some issues of style that struck me. The worst problem, of course, was in a small portion of the formatting. These lines -- "I've been¡K" "¡Kaching for so long¡K" "¡Kto fuck you." Not a disaster, but worth fixing.

Next, I think I need to mention complete sentences. It isn't that you don't know how to craft them -- you do know how. It's a matter of style, I believe, and a need to use commas appropriately. This sentence -- She began to feel that she might have a heart attack, her chest was pounding so unnaturally fast and hard. -- This is actually two sentences, or a single sentence with the phrases turned around. Two different editing choices: 1) Her chest pounded so unnaturally fast and hard that she though she might have a heart attack. 2) Her chest pounded unnaturally fast and hard. She thought she might have a heart attack.

Another sentence that epitomizes an ongoing problem is: Too worn out by other fears, her whole being focused on getting warm and evading capture, she thought nothing of insects or other nuisances as she gathered a huge mound of leaves, concealing herself as she lay down for the night. -- First, this is a very long sentence. Break it up a little, and the reader will thank you. IE -- Her whole being focused on getting warm and evading capture. She thought nothing of insects or other nuisances as she gathered a huge mound of leaves to conceal herself as she laid down for the night. -- Next, look at the 'ing' words. These tend to be a problem if used excessively. 'getting', 'concealing'. Two in a single sentence is too many. Two or three in a single paragraph is too many. All writing is a matter of balance, and it's up to the author to balance the prose with all the ways of making a sentence. Simple is always best, for it's the easiest to read. So, perhaps the editing should read more like this: Her whole being focused on warmth and evasion. She thought nothing of insects or other nuisances as she gathered a huge mound of leaves to conceal herself.

The next thought is about cutting unnecessary and often repetitive words. Less is more. Repetition tends to make the reader feel like he's stuttering. Lol I'm the worst culprit at that, and I've been working on it for a long time now, so I tend to notice it in others. Let's take the first longer paragraph and dissect it. This will show what I mean.

 She began to feel that she might have a heart attack, her chest was pounding so unnaturally fast and hard. As she slowed to a staggering walk, determined to continue, to get as far from that cabin in the woods as she possibly could, her face, her ears, her hands throbbed with exertion. Her legs trembled with fatigue. She felt nauseous.
--

This paragraph focuses on her physical exhaustion, and the major problem here is a telling one. Each time you mention how she feels, you tell the reader why she feels that way. Her chest pounds, so she thinks she's having a heart attack. Why not just say her chest is pounding? Her face, ears and hands throb with exertion. Why not just say they throb? Her legs tremble with fatigue. Why not say they tremble? Allow the reader to make the conclusion that she's exhausted. So, the edit of this paragraph would look like this -- Her chest pounded unnaturally fast and hard. She slowed to a staggering walk, determined to get as far from the cabin in the woods as she could. Her face, ears, and hands throbbed. Her legs trembled and she felt nauseous. -- You give the description, and then the name for it. Two ways of saying the same thing. Cut it to one way, and you'll have a more precise and cutting prose.

The next thing I'll address in this paragraph is about backstory. You handle it wonderfully in this piece, and I pat you on the back. So many writers try to explain the life of the character before they begin the story. This line -- As she slowed to a staggering walk, determined to continue, to get as far from that cabin in the woods as she possibly could, her face, her ears, her hands throbbed with exertion. -- contains a small amount of backstory. A cabin she's trying to get away from. It's woven into the action with skill and dexterity. Good job.

These are just a few things I noticed right off the bat, and they continue through the story. My best advise is to read each sentence separately, not as a string. If the sentence seems long, clunky, or doesn't make sense by itself, then you might want to either cut words, add words, or put in some additional punctuation.

The characters are another thing I want to commend. You seem to have a handle on the main character and Conrad. I'm waiting to see if you manage the same depth to the cabin's owner. However, I'd like to mention point of view at this time. Because most of this is told from the main character's pov, and she's alone, the only difficulty comes when you include the cabin's owner near the end. The switching back and forth in point of view near the end jarred me. It pulled me out of the story to figure out why she would know what he's thinking. IF you want to use his pov, please don't do it without warning the reader there is a change coming. Just make his point of view into a new scene. Yes, you can start in the middle of the action if you want. The first part from her pov, and the next part from his. Or you could leave his out entirely. I'd recommend the last choice for now. It sets up more suspense if we don't know any more than she knows. If you prefer to continue using omniscient point of view, then that's your choice, but it isn't working well for me. (My personal preference only.)

Pacing -- Yup, it's good. Slow, but good. This is filled with suspense, teases, and just enough sex to keep the readers of this site reading. However, I think, if I were you, I'd think about my target audience. This story, because of the pacing, is not a 'quick fix'. It doesn't begin with sex. It doesn't begin with the backstory about the sex. It begins with a young woman running. The target audience, then, is probably someone with time to read, rather than someone looking for jack off material.

Mood -- Mood is about characterization, and you've done a good job with that. I don't think I have any problems, whatsoever, with the mood. It's full of fear and tension. This makes for good suspense.

All in all, it's a good effort. It can be made better with some judicious cutting and rephrasing, but, for this site, it's among the better written. I can also see some things happening that make me want to read more. You've gotten my interest, and I'd like to read the next part of this.

Amoral

 

[Varian P]

Thanks for your feedback, Amoral

Interesting. The story, itself, is simple so far.

But not for long, I warn, um, I mean promise you.

I like the concept, but I think the identification with Conrad should be taken a bit further to make her attraction to him more realistic. What is it about him that helps her overcome her fear and horror? Her reactions are clear enough, but I think the psychology of it needs a bit more. I'd think along the lines of Stockholm's Syndrome (the identification toward the kidnapper by the victim), but it's up to you, of course.

Hmmm. I can see why you would want this, but effectively what I'm trying to achieve with the two dreams is a little hint at Devan's terribly conflicted feelings about Conrad. Yes, he kidnapped her, but there's a lot more to their relationship, and she is both frighted of and drawn to him. The first dream deals with the fear, the second with her guilty attraction.

Thanks so much for the heads-up on the formatting problem, and of course for your thoughts on diction and style. And of course you called me out on one of my chronic flaws--I do tend to get verbose and repetitious. The concrete examples and suggestions you gave were very helpful. POV is another weakness I've been wrestling with, and you gave some helpful advice.

The next thing I'll address in this paragraph is about backstory. You handle it wonderfully in this piece, and I pat you on the back. So many writers try to explain the life of the character before they begin the story. This line -- As she slowed to a staggering walk, determined to continue, to get as far from that cabin in the woods as she possibly could, her face, her ears, her hands throbbed with exertion. -- contains a small amount of backstory. A cabin she's trying to get away from. It's woven into the action with skill and dexterity. Good job.

Why, thank you kindly.

The characters are another thing I want to commend.

And thanks again.

Pacing -- Yup, it's good. Slow, but good. This is filled with suspense, teases, and just enough sex to keep the readers of this site reading. However, I think, if I were you, I'd think about my target audience. This story, because of the pacing, is not a 'quick fix'. It doesn't begin with sex. It doesn't begin with the backstory about the sex. It begins with a young woman running. The target audience, then, is probably someone with time to read, rather than someone looking for jack off material.

You're right there. I do like my wank with a bit of plot which is one of the reasons I enjoyed your "Candledim" story so much. I can only hope there are more than 2 or 3 others out there who feel the same way.

Mood -- Mood is about characterization, and you've done a good job with that. I don't think I have any problems, whatsoever, with the mood. It's full of fear and tension. This makes for good suspense.

It's gratifying to hear that I managed to convey a the tense, fearful mood. Whew!

Originally posted by AmoralAuthor I can also see some things happening that make me want to read more. You've gotten my interest, and I'd like to read the next part of this.

I'm glad you liked it enough to want to read more. I'll likely be submitting chapter two in the next day or so.

Thanks so much for your kind and helpful feedback!

-Varian