Help. Did I do the right thing?

[human_male]

I need a bit of help and perspective. I became friends with a woman on another website and we hooked up for some online chats. She was great. I'm going through some stuff and she's going through some stuff but for the first time ever someone totally put me first. I loved the attention and the support and advice she gave me.

But then on our second chat she tells me she loves me. She's happily married but has a difficult home enviroment due to a completely horrible mother, and there's some other really horrible things, her being assaulted by her ex boyfriend when she was pregnant and losing the baby, really awful stuff.

I told her that I thought the reason she'd latched onto me like she did and told me she loved me after only knowing each other a couple of weeks was because of what she was going through at home. So then she says if you don't want to keep talking to me it's alright but tell me now, don't say it's ok then don't email me again.

The way I was feeling at the time (and still am) all this was the absolute last thing I needed. I felt guilty because she'd been such a good friend to me and was really good to talk to, but I didn't feel I could handle her problems or be any help to her. So I said ok lets end it here. She said ok, and that was that.

She dropped me a line a couple of weeks later just to see how I was. I said thanks, I'm about the same, thanks for checking up on me. Then the next time I check my box there's three emails from her. "Do you want to chat?" And another "I'm online now if you want to chat." And another "I just want to help you." I missed her and I could really use a friend but I was put off by all of a sudden getting three emails from her, so I just told her I'd rather deal with my probelms myself.

Another couple of weeks go by and the same thing. Another email from her just checking up on me. I said "I'm not doing so good but don't worry, how are you?" Then I went to bed. Then the next day there are four more emails from her. "Do you want to chat? Just a one off? It's ok, I'll do all the talking." And another "I'm online now if you want to chat." And another "I won't bite I promise." And another "I'm really sorry that you feel you can't talk to me."

I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say. I want to talk to her because I need a friend, but I'm really, really uncomfortable with all these emails. I don't know if it means she's a bit obsessed with me or simply that she cares about me and is worried so she just wants to talk to make sure I'm ok. I also feel bad about all her problems and the shit she's had to go through. But I'm ashamed to say it's just too much for me.

So today I get another one "Am I really that bad eh? I could be a really good friend, if only you would let me. Is there any chance we can start again?" I didn't feel I could ignore her so I wrote back saying the only thing I could think of "I don't think that would be a good idea, but I wish you all the best." blah blah. Pretty lame of me I know.

Do you think I did the right thing? Does she sound kinda obsessed or did I overreact? What do I do if she emails again?

Thanks.

 

[DrHappy]

It sounds obvious to me that you've done the right thing. Run, don't walk away. The fact that she's "happily"married is a huge red flag. The other huge red flag is that she told you that she loved you after online chatting for a few weeks. The third red flag is her sending all those emails after you told her that you weren't interested.

Your initial decision to end things was the right one. There are lots of basket cases out there, and it sounds like you don't really need one; not that anyone does. I actually like your last response. It wasn't lame at all. After that one, though, I would completely ignore any more emails that she might send.

Keep looking and you'll eventually find someone in a healthy place.

 

[wicked woman]

Obsessed.

If she was really worried about you, the emails would say something different.

 

[SweetErika]

You definitely did the right thing and should ignore her. You can't have anything approaching a healthy relationship based on the guilt or problems of either person, and it sounds like you know that deep down. It sounds like she's fucked up every which way and isn't do the work she likely needs to in order to get better.

If you're concerned about being sucked back in by her antics, see what you can do to send her future emails and messages directly to your trash folder, block her on IM, etc.

 

[Quoll]

You absolutely did the right thing, and don't be ashamed about being unable to take on her problems (if indeed there are any, we all want to be a white knight occasionally which makes us an easy target and has the added bonus of being manipulated by guilt), your problems are more important.
It sucks, but as others have said there are enough red flags there to clear a football field.

 

[Bystander]

be glad the only thing she has is your e-mail address. I recommend setting up your spam filter to intercept her messages.

 

[subwannabe]

Ditto. She's a nutcase. How good of a friend can someone be after just a couple of weeks? I know you have problems and could use a friend but here you are going from the frying pan into the fire. Don't ever talk to her again!

 

[just for fun]

Yes you absolutely did the right thing. She sounds like a nutcase

 

[coastal-boy]

see...your instincts are good. run.

 

[Firebrain]

I agree - you did the right thing. I used to regularly get sucked into counselling internet weirdies when I was younger. It is exhausting, depressing and only feeds their craving for attention. Doesn't actually help them. Now, I am far less tolerant

 

[BoundIncubus]

Psychology 101

I would say you did the right thing. If you're having your own issues, taking on someone else's is difficult. She also seems to be very needy. The absolute best thing to do, in my opinion, is to put her email address on your block list. In Pyschology, there's behavioral modification that explains what happens when you are trying to teach a habit (either to an animal or a person). Basically it tells how likely the behavior is to continue after the original stimulus (what caused it to happen in the first place). There are typically three different things that happen after an initial stimulus in your case, based on psychology tests:

1. Email her back every single time, and she will begin to expect it. Stop writing her back, and it will take a little bit of time, but eventually she'll stop.

2. Never email her back, and eventually she'll stop.

3. Answer her back sometimes, sometimes don't. This will keep the behavior going much, much longer. Because she doesn't expect the response, she will continue to write, because she knows that you are inconsistent. You may not respond the first 100 times, but she knows you may on the 101st. This is most effective in creating new behaviors in people/animals, but can also reinforce those you don't want, as in your case.

So best thing is to stop all communication now. Block her email, block her IMs, remove yourself totally from her and resist the urge to even say how you're doing. Otherwise, you're stuck with the consequences until you do block her.

 

[human_male]

That's for all the replies. You're there for me when I need you, as usual.

I definitely won't reply to her again. The other site I mentioned is a sort of relationship advice site. That's where I met her when I posted a question asking for help. She replied with a "I'm here for you if you need to talk." kind of thing. That's how we got started. But after our second chat and we decided not to continue chatting I deleted that profile and set up a new one. Without telling her obviously.

And now would you believe she's started emailing that profile too. I don't know if she's figured out it's me or what but I've got three emails from her in two days. "I like the advice you've been giving." And another one "I hope you don't mind me PMIng you." And another one "I just wanted you to know again I like the advice you've been giving." I haven't replied to her naturally.

I don't know why I seem to attract this kind of thing. I had to delete my myspace profile because of someone who told me on her second email to me that she was going to kill herself, but now she's found me she doesn't have to. I stopped replying to her, and then I started to get all these very suspicious emails from the same part of America she was from, asking if I'd like to chat, with pictures of very attractive women attached to them. I'd ignore it and I'd get a different one. I'd ignore that and get another different one. I figured they were either her or spam. Most likely spam I suppose.

Could I possibly be doing something to attract this kind of thing? Or does this just happen to everyone from time to time?

Thanks again everyone.

 

[SweetErika]

Are you presenting yourself a certain way, or can you pick out any vulnerabilities or common threads that could be attracting needy, crazy, predatory, etc., people?

I don't know if the same thing happens to others often, but it seems like you might be on the right track in looking for patterns in your profiles, messages and behaviors (e.g. is it possible you're giving people who present red flags too much time/latitude before you cut them off?).

 

[human_male]

Are you presenting yourself a certain way, or can you pick out any vulnerabilities or common threads that could be attracting needy, crazy, predatory, etc., people?

I have no idea. As far as I know I'm just being myself.

 

[SweetErika]

I have no idea. As far as I know I'm just being myself.

Hmm. Well, it might be worth taking a look at when you get a chance. It could be as simple as revealing a little too much info from the start, seeming a bit too eager to chat, or questions you're asking acting as triggers. Or maybe it's just that you're giving these people more of a chance than others would/do in the same circumstances. IOW, you're probably not doing anything wrong per se; your communication might just need a little fine-tuning to help you repel these types.

 

[kaycee217]

Hmm. Well, it might be worth taking a look at when you get a chance. It could be as simple as revealing a little too much info from the start, seeming a bit too eager to chat, or questions you're asking acting as triggers. Or maybe it's just that you're giving these people more of a chance than others would/do in the same circumstances. IOW, you're probably not doing anything wrong per se; your communication might just need a little fine-tuning to help you repel these types.

I'll go with this.

Is changing your posting style asking for too much?

Maybe you could avoid using smilies, use more blunt phrasing, and reducing any flirting? Also, perhaps having a more feminine or androgynous screen name might help.

 

[sb2009]

There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker, a super security expert guy. He talks a lot about the messages we send people, the messages we receive, the signals we process, etc. It was fascinating and shed some light on how what I was projecting. I highly recommend it.