Help 2: How to do drawn out words in Dialogue

[P. B. Walker]

I'm full of questions today.

How do you do drawn out words in dialogue. I've seen people do stuff like "Ohhhhhhhhhhh gaaawwdddd, yes!" But I've heard that is incorrect. Are you supposed to describe it in the dialogue tag?

Thanks,

- PBW

 

[Never]

Depends on your style.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Eww. Do Nancy and Just say no, PBW.

If you come to a place where your character (it's always the females isn't it) is about to engage in a NEOM (Never Ending Orgasmic Moment), then stop!

"You like that, baby?" He rocked his dick in and out like reciprocating saw going through plywood.

"Ooh yes!" She wiggled around like a catfish about to take the 16 penny nail to the head. "Fuck me, baby! Fuck me!"

"Here it comes!"

At this point in the story she can erupt like Mount Saint Helens in a hyperbolic wailing they can pick up at SETI. But how? My gorgeous woman is about to blow a gasket and Oh! just doesn't really cover the intensity of the screech like OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhHHH!!!! Myyyyyyyyyyy!! GGggggawwwwwwwwddddddddddd!!! does.

Well, first of all, try to say ggggaaawwwddddddd.

Then think back a little bit. Get out an index card and a magic marker, this is important stuff.

Show it, don't tell it.

So back to our sawsall and fish. She's about to pop, would you rather skip over three lines of one letter or would you rather feel the orgasm with her?

"Here it comes!" He jerked around like a Sufi without flameproof soles and let her really have it.

She wailed incoherently. The neighbors were getting a rare display of a great set of pipes. She thrashed around in the bed, knocking the lamp off of the nightstand. His eyes crossed and her pussy squeezed his cock like an anaconda looking for lunch. The headboard whacked against the wall like a bad porno flick and he lost it.

Now. Which would you prefer? OooOOooOoo like a coyote or a little description of the orgasm. You can't write out the vocalization of the human orgasm. We don't have words for those things. You can write out what the orgasm felt like, looked like, sounded like with other words. Stretch your vocabulary and add the NEOM to the list of porn writers gimmicks that you just don't do.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Gotcha

I had a little feeling that might be the answer. I need to go revise something...

- PBW

 

[Never]

Or you could do both..

Despite Killer Muffin's distain for the drawing out the words there's nothing inherently 'wrong' with it though it's good to keep to sounds human being actually can produce.

 

[karmadog]

AAArrrrrggghhh!!!

I have to go with Killer Muffin.

Look at the subject line. Doesn't that seem like the punch line in a comic strip panel. On the other hand, the great thing about our language is that it doesn't have very many hard and fast rules.

 

[alltherage]

I don't quite know where I stand on this. I think that certain stories cry out for the descriptive voice KM advocates. I also think there is room for the exagerated language mentioned above. I have often wondered what impact cyber communication will have on our written and spoken language. One day the OED may have definitions for lol. and lmao. The ohhhhhhhh goddddddds thatsssss so fucking hot of cyber sex may be accepted in conventional writing. I recently recieved a memo from a superior which contained this line, "I sooooooo don't want to do that." It is an interesting question to ask how far is far enough. We use slang all the time in dialogue. "No i ain't goin." Is there such a difference between that and ohhhhh god I'mmmmmmm comingggggg. Both accurately reflect that sounds heard in that moment of the story?

 

[poohlive]

I think KillerMuffin is right.

Show it, don't tell it.

The problem is, those long drawn out wails of screaming is showing it. It's showing the emotion and the hyperextended feeling of the moment better than any long paragraph could.

This is a call you're going to have to make, depending on what your story is. If, you want this to be an erotic story, where the feelings of the man and the woman (or woman and woman, or man and man, or woman, woman, man... you know what I mean) are detailed out so specifically, then you'll probably want to write a whole pragraph explaining how she is writhing and wriggling and screaming and doing all that good stuff that accompanies an orgasm.
If, however, you want this to be more of a raunchy story, where you want the reader to really go through the experience with the characters, perhaps a long wail is in order.
Think about it, Killermuffin took an entire paragraph to substitute one single phrase,
It just depends on your taste.
I don't care either way. If I am really into the story, those screams of pleasure can really add to it, but if it is written well enough, and the paragraph describing her "ascent" into heaven is really good, then that'll work for me as well.
Not trying to persuade you either way, just showing you the pro's and con's of each side. If anything, I'd say write it both ways, and then send it out to a few potential Lit friends who can help you make the decision. After all, they are the ones who'll eventually read it.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I would have to disagree with you, poohlive, AAAOOOOOOOOOOO is not showing it, it's telling it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH I'MMMMMM CUMMMMMMMMINGGGGGGGGG!" she screamed. <-- pure telling. Why? I am not getting anything from the character at all.

This is a matter of taste, I imagine. Cutting down on words isn't necessarily a good thing, simply because I took longer to show rather than tell doesn't mean that it's bad. Of course, a NEOM is a porn gimmick, just like ellipses, caps, and 40DD-20-29 measurements.

Some people think a NEOM is good writing. I think it's lazy writing. It's taking a shortcut to tell the reader what a person might be sounding like rather than showing the reader what the orgasm itself was like. If your character NEOMs an orgasm, you can leave out everything else, like what the body was doing, how they were feeling, everything else that makes an orgasm delicious.

It's impossible to pronounce most NEOMs and the eye skips over long repetitions of a letter because there is nothing to read there. It is empty space, essentially.

Just my opinion.

 

[alltherage]

I have been thinking of this all damn day. Now that shows how crazy i am. I think the situation for me comes down to this. If the character making those sounds have to make those sounds to advance the story and character developement then i say ohhhhhh godddddddddddddd to your hearts content. This is how i thought about it. If i was writing a story about a guy from brooklyn who made it at harvard and then returned home one important element might be the difference in speech. The dees and dems in the language of his home become important.

If I am writing a story about a very repressed woman who comes alive sexually and it is important that she volcalise in the story, important for the impact of it, then the writer should not be afraid to use means to do it. If it is mearly a short cut to express the moment used by someone who can not find the words to express it another way then I do not like its use.

To me getting the dialogue right is the difference between a good story and eh. People speak in rythem with each other and if you listen to conversations in Rl you can appreciate it. Close your eyes sometime and just listen. Here the sound not the words. To me its like music. I will know when i have written something well by the song I hear when I read it back. No song, it sucks. Oh god, I done lost my pee brain. Gonna go find it.

 

[poohlive]

I know KillerMuffin, I disagree with you too. Hee hee, it's ok though. If the world was full of people who agree, it would actually be pretty boring.
Let's take an example.
In a recent story I read there were three simple words:
He entered her.

Short, simple, to the point. It gives you the same emotion, but you cut out all of the words. You can go into details describing the purple headed long fat cock with veins popping out, slowly coming up to her wet pussy lips and then meeting resistance, for just a second, and finally sliding into her.
Then again, your mind goes through all of that, it has to go from one little section to the next, and it takes too long for your brain to compute it all.
If you do it the other way, you're not getting an erotic story, you're getting installation instructions on how to have sex. First you have to describe the cock, then you have to describe the pussy, then you have to describe going into her. It's at least 1 long, if not 2 short paragraphs to describe the exact same thing in your mind.
"He entered her."

This is the same for those long drawn out words. They convey the same message to the reader, her riding him, holding back just enough, and then letting her body take over and screaming out in ecstacy. On the page you may see a bunch of letters strung together, but in your mind you can visualize her, face controrted and letting that orgasm rip through her body.
No amount of detail can describe that. You could go on for pages and pages and it still wouldn't get the entire detail, and if you do keep writing about it, it gets too long winded and becomes boring to read. Who wants to read five paragraphs about a woman orgasming?
There's something I read a while ago that always stuck to me. Don't spell it out to the reader too much, they have the imagination, they are the one who is supposed to read the story and make it their own. Detail is good, up to a point. Then, it just becomes redundant and you can actually hear the reader going "Yeah, yeah, we get it already, come on! On with it."

But, like I said before, it doesn't work for every story. I've seen stories where this has been very effective, and I've seen stories where this has actually been the tombstone on the grave. It doesn't work all the time, then again, different gimmicks work for different stories.
What it boils down to is what you want the orgasm to be to your reader. If you want to describe it, and let them read it aloud, picting exactly what is happening,or if you want to let them imagine the orgasm for themselves, and put in the simple scream or cry of pleasure.
They both work, I know, I've read stories where they both have. I know I'm leaning hard for the drawn out side, but in all seriousness KM does have a valid point as well. Just depends on what you want the reader to feel.
No matter how much we argue what's best for the story, it doesn't really matter to us, it matters to the reader, and the story that the author wants to convey to them.

Write on...
For America!

 

[alltherage]

Yep.



My feable attempt at letting the reader experience the event. Is it working?

Sorry, just kidding. I love this discussion.

 

[garyblue]

ooh eee ooh aah aah ting tang walla walla bing bang

There's your song, alltherage. Sorry, couldn't resist <g>.

I think I get the point both alltherage and poohlive are trying, and doing a pretty good job, to make. (Send me that sentence to edit and you go to your room without supper.) Unfortunately for your argument, I have never run into a drawn out whatever you call it without it creating a discontinuity in the read. On the whole, I have to go with The Killer on this one. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have asked a favor of her, honest.

The simulated vocalization does have a place. If it is explicit, however, it distracts. I think the answer is to hint at the sound, perhaps use a few real words, but mostly deal with the effect.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh."  What was little more than
forceful panting built suddenly into a wail that smothered
his own cries.  Shocked at the feral yells, he paused 
and stared at her.

"Fuck me, you sonuvabitch.  Don't you dare stop."

He picked up the pace again, her wild keening hurried
his own orgasm even as it left her gulping for breath.

I hope this little quickie makes my point. I have no doubt there are 500 writers out there who could better it in 10 minutes. The premise here is that your mind's ear will hear these primitive cries and your mind's eye will see this couple and the ferocity of their coupling (well, that's the plan).

g

 

[Weird Harold]

ohhhhhh godddddddddddddd

As many have said, the context is all important. I have used the drawn out spellings, and I've used descriptions of the sounds made. I've even, in one never to be published attempt, had an operatic soprano squeal ultrasonically and shatter wine glasses.

There is one big problem I encounter with long drawn out sounds.

In the example quoted above, the 'h' sound is a very soft sound that, when drawn out, tails off like a sigh. The 'd' sound is a hard stop sound, and repeating it fourteen times would sound like an inept imitation of a machine gun.

People, please if you're going to use l;ang drawn out spellings, at least make them pronounceable! If you're going to draw out the word "God" then is going to sound like "Gawwwwd" not malfunctioning machine gun.

 

[alltherage]

point taken wierd.