Height Matters: true or false

[Denae]

hm, that certainly broadens the scope a bit. do you think it's cultural?

are we getting PC answers here? what are people's fantasies? I still think Tall Dark Handsome has got to connect with something a lot more basic than Pasty Pocket-protector Thinker (hoping that I am colored more toward the former end of that rainbow than the latter... see, even I am doing it!)

I tend to gravitate towards darker-haired men...but have had significant relationships with fair-haired men also. I don't think that I've ever been asked out by someone shorter than me, but I've dated men that are my height of 5'5" and up to a foot taller. Never even considered height as a prerequisite for a relationship.

 

[it_matters]

I tend to gravitate towards darker-haired men...but have had significant relationships with fair-haired men also. I don't think that I've ever been asked out by someone shorter than me, but I've dated men that are my height of 5'5" and up to a foot taller. Never even considered height as a prerequisite for a relationship.

Okay, so I am either nursing along a personal neurosis here, or I am interested in a whacko. I don't think this thread moved in the direction I was hoping... whatever THAT may have been.

Probably veering toward a neurotic date with my whacko acquaintance heh heh

 

[Arden]

OK, so the woman seems to like a lot of things about me, except we are the same height. Or am I reading her wrong?

It has been said (by someone who said she was wiser than me, and since she made a lot more money, she might have been) that for the relationship to work the man (usually) or the dominant partner needs to be taller. Equality doesn't cut it.

True or false? Do I need to get on the rack to attract and keep this woman? Since racks are out of fashion these days, am I out of luck?

Height means nothing, your friend may have simply been expressing her own preference.

 

[Denae]

Okay, so I am either nursing along a personal neurosis here, or I am interested in a whacko. I don't think this thread moved in the direction I was hoping... whatever THAT may have been.

Probably veering toward a neurotic date with my whacko acquaintance heh heh

Dates with whackos make for great stories to share.

 

[it_matters]

Dates with whackos make for great stories to share.

Oh, great, like I need another story.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents. I think most people believe that height does not matter - we've all dated different people of various heights. But there are those of us who are attracted to specific heights. I am 5' 2" and sub, and I find myself gravitating toward men who are 6' and above. I've always done that, since I started dating in high school. The shortest I've dated was 5' 4" and the tallest was 6' 7". So while I prefer tall, lack of height won't keep me from dating someone I am interested in. Does that muddy the waters any more for you?

 

[it_matters]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents. I think most people believe that height does not matter - we've all dated different people of various heights. But there are those of us who are attracted to specific heights. I am 5' 2" and sub, and I find myself gravitating toward men who are 6' and above. I've always done that, since I started dating in high school. The shortest I've dated was 5' 4" and the tallest was 6' 7". So while I prefer tall, lack of height won't keep me from dating someone I am interested in. Does that muddy the waters any more for you?

No, it clears them. Actually, despite the muddy beginning to this thread, and the sort of daft replies I have posted to others' reasonable responses, this is the most interesting thing to me -- no, at some thinking and even feeling level, height does NOT matter, you make it not matter. But even if it doesn't matter, it does make a difference.

Taking away my wheel-spinning about wanting to get closer to this woman who for who knows how many reasons is not ready to get closer to me (unlikely it is height, really), I think there is more than a grain of truth to what my therapist somewhere down the post told me.

So an interesting exercise would be: when one is fantasizing, to imagine someone a fair amount taller & larger, then (or another time) a fair amount shorter & smaller. Energetically, it makes a huge difference. I mean, if you are with a man who physically can tie you in knots, it has got to feel different than if you are physically with someone who you can overpower.

That puts it at the extremes, of course... but from the extremes, imagine that large person getting smaller and closer to your size, and see how it feels if there are a little bit bigger -- but still bigger. Or a little bit smaller.. but still smaller. The effect is still there, even if it is minor.

That's really what I was intrigued about beginning this post. I just happened to have got my head lodged in a recent history.

 

[BeachGurl2]

No, it clears them. Actually, despite the muddy beginning to this thread, and the sort of daft replies I have posted to others' reasonable responses, this is the most interesting thing to me -- no, at some thinking and even feeling level, height does NOT matter, you make it not matter. But even if it doesn't matter, it does make a difference.

Taking away my wheel-spinning about wanting to get closer to this woman who for who knows how many reasons is not ready to get closer to me (unlikely it is height, really), I think there is more than a grain of truth to what my therapist somewhere down the post told me.

So an interesting exercise would be: when one is fantasizing, to imagine someone a fair amount taller & larger, then (or another time) a fair amount shorter & smaller. Energetically, it makes a huge difference. I mean, if you are with a man who physically can tie you in knots, it has got to feel different than if you are physically with someone who you can overpower.

That puts it at the extremes, of course... but from the extremes, imagine that large person getting smaller and closer to your size, and see how it feels if there are a little bit bigger -- but still bigger. Or a little bit smaller.. but still smaller. The effect is still there, even if it is minor.

That's really what I was intrigued about beginning this post. I just happened to have got my head lodged in a recent history.

I think you're right, that her issue probably has nothing to do with height. And so you should probably just let that go. It's her issue, not yours.

As for the fantasy part of that, I'm not sure what you're getting at. For me, fantasy almost always involvesd someone significantly larger than I am - unless I actually fantasize about a real person. I'm sure that the dominating factor involved in size has to do with that. But as with my earlier point, that doesn't preclude me from dating someone who is shorter than 6' tall.

 

[it_matters]

I think you're right, that her issue probably has nothing to do with height. And so you should probably just let that go. It's her issue, not yours.

As for the fantasy part of that, I'm not sure what you're getting at. For me, fantasy almost always involvesd someone significantly larger than I am - unless I actually fantasize about a real person. I'm sure that the dominating factor involved in size has to do with that. But as with my earlier point, that doesn't preclude me from dating someone who is shorter than 6' tall.

Oh, yeah, I heard you. the part about fantasizing was more to the thread participants as a whole -- I felt you had already answered that. Your post got me on track of what I was really feeling/asking.

Height wouldn't really be a factor for me either, if other factors were lining up and pulling me in. Body is on the list, but really, main ingredients of The Click usually are in the heart/head mix, cooked with a little steam.

 

[montrealgirl]

I am naturally more attracted to taller men...particularily a couple inches taller than me (I'm 5'9" 1/2)...I can't help it..I see someone 6' plus and my head automatically turns...If I could chose who to be with, he would for sure be taller than me. However, my first love was 2 inches shorter and that was fine...I certainly wasn't going to let him go over his height. I would have a problem however if someone was shorter than that...just doesn't feel comfortable when you are standing beside them...hate feeling like a giant - not so good for the self-esteem

Most of my friends are around my height too...I wonder if there is a correlation....maybe a subconscience one?

 

[Abner Devereaux]

Since I am not very tall, I tend to be attracted to shorter women. Although...I would not pass up a tall woman either.

 

[it_matters]

I am naturally more attracted to taller men...particularily a couple inches taller than me (I'm 5'9" 1/2)...I can't help it..I see someone 6' plus and my head automatically turns...If I could chose who to be with, he would for sure be taller than me. However, my first love was 2 inches shorter and that was fine...I certainly wasn't going to let him go over his height. I would have a problem however if someone was shorter than that...just doesn't feel comfortable when you are standing beside them...hate feeling like a giant - not so good for the self-esteem

Most of my friends are around my height too...I wonder if there is a correlation....maybe a subconscience one?

See, that is what I would expect -- at least that you notice differences. I thought it interesting you felt your self-esteem would be lower if you were much taller than your partner... really interesting! You would think the opposite, that height imparts some strength which equates to ++ self-esteem...?

Here's another interesting bit -- and MG you lived in Asia, so you know some of this -- I spent several months in SE Asia, and I really was much taller and larger than everyone. But after 4 or 5 months, I didn't notice that at all, as though I had assimilated the height difference into a self-image of being "one of the crowd".

When I came back to this side of the Ocean(s), and a friend came to visit, in context here, I saw how enormous the difference really was! Of course when I was Over There, I was without ANYthing, first time in Asia and just bumming around, so maybe my spirit was pretty tiny back then.

 

[Iron_Horseman]

Height challenged

Being on the shorter side of average (when did average become almost 6'??) I can say that being shorter hurts with initial attraction. With many (but by no means ALL) women it's hard to get them to go out with you if you are not taller than they are. Once we get past that, height matters less and less. Either we connect or we don't.

All things being equal would I like to be a few inches taller? sure... is it important? No ...

So if she knows you well, I would say the height thing is just an excuse.

 

[Denae]

While re-reading through this thread, I tried to think of something that would either draw me in or put me off of someone. Height is not one of the factors.

I can say that I would probably not initially be drawn to a man who is on the thin side. The love of my life was very slender; he was a long-distance runner. I have nothing but fond memories of him, so that has nothing to do with why I wouldn't be initially drawn to a man with a thin/slender build. Ultimately, it's his other qualities that would turn me away.

I don't know if it's part of a women's being to want to feel protected by a man and if the build has anything to do with that. I prefer a physique that overshadows mine (5'5" 126 lbs.). It could be that because I'm a strong-willed, hyper-independent woman that I subconsciously think that a man physically larger than myself would be able to handle, not manhandle, me as a whole. I know I'm strong, therefore I need someone of a stronger nature. I don't want a musclebound, no-neck hulk either.

Doing a lot of internal evaluation right now, so I'm not even sure if I'm making sense to myself much less if I'm saying what I mean. Sorry folks.

 

[BadBombshellBabe]

i feel compelled to participate in this discussion... initially, height might be a factor which attracts me. i'm almost 5'9" and happen to prefer a guy that is as least as tall as i. but height isn't a characteristic which would maintain my attraction.

i've followed and enjoy reading your posts, IM...and i really have to tell ya...i can't imagine anyone having a hang-up about YOUR height!!

(and Denae...you articulated magnificently .)

 

[OceanGoddess]

This just makes me sad and angry. Sad for all the women and men who will never connect *only* because the woman (usually) has some daft idea about a height prerequisite for a mate . . .and angry that so many women are so truly stupid and shallow that height (or lack thereof) would preclude them from being interested in a man.

Good grief.

And someone else said "in bed we see eye to eye" and that is certainly true.

When you're laying down, height really doesn't matter. *giggles*

I've dated a man who is 6'3" and one who is 5'6" and I'm 5'9" . . .in heels, which I wear almost daily, I'm about 6" tall . . .and the man who was 5'6" *loved* it. He was extremely secure in himself and his height didn't matter to him nor me. In fact, he found it arousing that I was taller then he. . .and he loved for me to wear stiletto heels (3 inch heels or higher) anytime I had the opportunity.

All that said, height would only matter if the man had insecurities about his height. Other than that, no. I fall in love with a man's heart and soul and thoughts and brain and life experiences and his treatment of me, etc. . . .not his height.

 

[it_matters]

This just makes me sad and angry. Sad for all the women and men who will never connect *only* because the woman (usually) has some daft idea about a height prerequisite for a mate . . .and angry that so many women are so truly stupid and shallow that height (or lack thereof) would preclude them from being interested in a man.

Good grief.

And someone else said "in bed we see eye to eye" and that is certainly true.

When you're laying down, height really doesn't matter. *giggles*

I've dated a man who is 6'3" and one who is 5'6" and I'm 5'9" . . .in heels, which I wear almost daily, I'm about 6" tall . . .and the man who was 5'6" *loved* it. He was extremely secure in himself and his height didn't matter to him nor me. In fact, he found it arousing that I was taller then he. . .and he loved for me to wear stiletto heels (3 inch heels or higher) anytime I had the opportunity.

All that said, height would only matter if the man had insecurities about his height. Other than that, no. I fall in love with a man's heart and soul and thoughts and brain and life experiences and his treatment of me, etc. . . .not his height.

I have some Swedish stock in me, so there must be a genetic predisposition to loooong legs. I don't think I have ever really indulged in that one, frankly, but there is the material of fantasy in there for me. You have to look at all these posts -- what are there, over a million posts to this site by now? -- and try to peel back the layers of what is being said to what is really going on. The woman who triggered all this for me probably had nothing at all of any of this going on... but you know, when your heart starts moving, and stop sign comes up, you jump at all the possible gestures or comments which might have been "cause"...

then after a while you turn sane again, and shrug your shoulders, and start talking to the rest of the population of the universe you had been studiously ignoring during your slump.

Wow -- just re-read your message and felt a little gut-wrench at that phrase about "loved it"... hmmm.

 

[it_matters]

While re-reading through this thread, I tried to think of something that would either draw me in or put me off of someone. Height is not one of the factors.

I can say that I would probably not initially be drawn to a man who is on the thin side. The love of my life was very slender; he was a long-distance runner. I have nothing but fond memories of him, so that has nothing to do with why I wouldn't be initially drawn to a man with a thin/slender build. Ultimately, it's his other qualities that would turn me away.

I don't know if it's part of a women's being to want to feel protected by a man and if the build has anything to do with that. I prefer a physique that overshadows mine (5'5" 126 lbs.). It could be that because I'm a strong-willed, hyper-independent woman that I subconsciously think that a man physically larger than myself would be able to handle, not manhandle, me as a whole. I know I'm strong, therefore I need someone of a stronger nature. I don't want a musclebound, no-neck hulk either.

Doing a lot of internal evaluation right now, so I'm not even sure if I'm making sense to myself much less if I'm saying what I mean. Sorry folks.

Well, that certainly seemed clear to me -- at least well along the road of puzzling things out. See, that is closer to the real question, I think. [Here I edit out an overly personal story here about an ex-partner]. The ESSENTIAL for me is vulnerability from both partners. Understanding that there is a rainbow of feminine males to masculine females, from girly-girls to macho-men, I really do believe that there is a place where the feminine loves to be protected with that masculine power, the masculine wall that can hold back the violences of the world; while there is an equal place where the masculine wishes to be enfolded, and similarly protected with the subtle and ever-creative feminine energy. Nothing like having my manhood honored by her womanhood. And both partners being able to surrender some of their energy to the other principal... not submit -- sorry but submissivenessis a way of claiming nothing of yourself for yourself, and then having nothing of yourself to give.

Ah, shit. We were talking about height here, weren't we?

A friend is beginning to offer some partner retreats, where participants really dig way down into this energy. I think learning how to play with this huge, powerful, overriding force of life is the greatest training there could possibly be. Forget inches and pounds, get down to that core stuff, that's where the meat of an entire life is to be found.

 

[it_matters]

i've followed and enjoy reading your posts, IM...and i really have to tell ya...i can't imagine anyone having a hang-up about YOUR height!!

ahhhh. now there's medicine for any solitary evening...

thank you

 

[Zmey]

There is nothing wrong with being vertically challenged

I believe different girls like different men ... don't feel inadequate, it only hurts you.

same concept applies to small penix

 

[BadBombshellBabe]

ahhhh. now there's medicine for any solitary evening...

thank you

my pleasure.

 

[Denae]

And both partners being able to surrender some of their energy to the other principal... not submit -- sorry but submissivenessis a way of claiming nothing of yourself for yourself, and then having nothing of yourself to give.

Surrender is very hard for me. It's not about control. It is just that I have little or no experience.

As an example, when my past love and I were together, we went grocery shopping. He needed a few things for his place as did I for mine. He checked out first and then when my two bags were packed he gathered them up to carry them. I tried to take my bags and told him that I didn't bring him shopping in order for him to schlep my things for me.

He gently told me, "I know you didn't. I want to do it for you."

Lightbulb moment for me. I learned that I have to be willing to let someone who loves me help me. Not because I need to be helped, but because they want to do something for me.

I can't even comment on your words about submissiveness. Comes from a lifetime of being emotionally and verbally beat down by my step-father and survival meant flying under his radar (submissiveness). Suffice it to say, I have a hard time being submissive now. And no, that does not mean I'm a dominant sexual partner. TMI, TMI, TMI.

 

[it_matters]

Surrender is very hard for me. It's not about control. It is just that I have little or no experience.

As an example, when my past love and I were together, we went grocery shopping. He needed a few things for his place as did I for mine. He checked out first and then when my two bags were packed he gathered them up to carry them. I tried to take my bags and told him that I didn't bring him shopping in order for him to schlep my things for me.

He gently told me, "I know you didn't. I want to do it for you."

Lightbulb moment for me. I learned that I have to be willing to let someone who loves me help me. Not because I need to be helped, but because they want to do something for me.

I can't even comment on your words about submissiveness. Comes from a lifetime of being emotionally and verbally beat down by my step-father and survival meant flying under his radar (submissiveness). Suffice it to say, I have a hard time being submissive now. And no, that does not mean I'm a dominant sexual partner. TMI, TMI, TMI.

Enlightening comment on where submissiveness comes from, and how energy, anger and fear get turned inside out. These uses of power by people without a clue what they are doing... You know, so many folks go to horror flicks to have the bejesus scared out of them, all they really need to do to see "evil" is look for the closest person with no clue of who they are. I take certain national leaders as dully shining examples.

StepF was probably buried so deep in his own reality he would never have a clue what his actions meant -- except that it fed him in some perverse and certainly deeply unsatisfying way. Glad you survived it, glad it was only emotional and verbal abuse ("only"?).

Meanwhile, surrender can only happen when both partners surrender, otherwise it is submission again. And it can only happen when the partners have some protective community around them, and a strong framework for allowing vulnerability. Did a great workshop some years ago, a couples' retreat, where everyone was working to improve their relationship. That kind of environment really helps a lot (didn't save my marriage, I guess, but it made it cleaner and cleaner all the time) (and it is more about one's own learning than about the partner "getting it", anyway.)

 

[bustygirl80]

I see that this thread has kind of pooped out, but since I just found it I need to put my 2 cents in. As a girl who stands at 6', height does matter. I would feel a little silly with someone who is only 5"6. My last boyfriend was only about 5"9 so I'm not against the idea of being with someone shorter. I don't really understand why your girl has an issue with your being the same height. (As there are no new posts, I understand you may not have this problem anymore). I would love to meet a guy the same height or taller.

As for the guy who says he has never heard someone complain about being too tall, he must mean men. It is hard being a girl and being so tall. People stare all the time and most guys don't approach me. No, I don't play basketball so don't even ask. I don't wear heels, unless I want to really be a giant. And shoe shopping? Forget about it.

I wil say that the older I get, the more comfortable I am with myself. And being so tall does have its ups, including not needing a step stool and being able to see a concert even when people stand in front of me. I often get asked to get stuff down off the high shelf when I am shopping.

In general, height does matter, at least a little. But I agree with the girl who says a mans personality can add a couple of inches. It's absolutely true.

 

[indigo_bliss]

I agree with busty. I've been 5'10 since I was 14 & tall women HATE the basketball question! I've always enjoyed being tall but the body frame that comes with it took me a long time to accept. I've dated short guys & told myself that I could be pickier & only date guys taller than me but as soon as I met a guy shorter than me that I liked the thought really never crossed my mind. Attraction has so much more to do with attitude than height. Although fitting together sexually there are things shorter guys can do that taller ones can't & vice versa.