he just doesnt listen

[sinnamongyrl]

I have tried many,many.too many times to talk things over with my husband to no avail.I am weary of his temper,the way he talks to me,being ignored and sex is another story all together.He has a sex drive but lacks passion and imagination if that makes any sense.HE is very selfish in bed,,,will take oral,,but not give,,,will not be overly conceerned if i cum or not.And i have also tried to ask hime to please just be more romantic.etc with me,,,say sweet things,,,,back rubs,,,etc;;; AND HIS excuse for that one is"men just don't talk like that"(romantic)..DAMN IT!I am at the end of my rope with this and have been for some time now.I feel like if i have been saying these things for this long..and nothing is being done about it,,,then maybe that is his passive aggressive way of wanting out of the marriage.I refuse to believe that men cant be loving and romantic and tender.Maybe I am wrong,,but I dont know anymore.

 

[thump]

Darlin, rest assured some men do still believe in romance. I hope things work out the best for you.

 

[Machiavellix]

I have tried many,many.too many times to talk things over with my husband to no avail.I am weary of his temper,the way he talks to me,being ignored and sex is another story all together.He has a sex drive but lacks passion and imagination if that makes any sense.HE is very selfish in bed,,,will take oral,,but not give,,,will not be overly conceerned if i cum or not.And i have also tried to ask hime to please just be more romantic.etc with me,,,say sweet things,,,,back rubs,,,etc;;; AND HIS excuse for that one is"men just don't talk like that"(romantic)..DAMN IT!I am at the end of my rope with this and have been for some time now.I feel like if i have been saying these things for this long..and nothing is being done about it,,,then maybe that is his passive aggressive way of wanting out of the marriage.I refuse to believe that men cant be loving and romantic and tender.Maybe I am wrong,,but I dont know anymore.

Thump is right. I for one am all for romance. I'm not playing myself up, I'm only proving that it does exist.
It really does sound like you need to move on. If he wants out so bad, give him what he wants. If he doesn't, then give him an ultimatum. Tell him your sick and tired of his treating you this way.
And if you really feel like you owe it to the marriage, try taking him to a therapist.

 

[sinnamongyrl]

Thump is right. I for one am all for romance. I'm not playing myself up, I'm only proving that it does exist.
It really does sound like you need to move on. If he wants out so bad, give him what he wants. If he doesn't, then give him an ultimatum. Tell him your sick and tired of his treating you this way.
And if you really feel like you owe it to the marriage, try taking him to a therapist.

I am the one that wants out.I think that his behavior would say that he does as well.AND i did try telling him,,talking with him,,said "I am not happy with the way things are.Please maybe can we try to do things a little differntly?",,His reply was to call me a cunt,,NICE HUH?

 

[thump]

I am the one that wants out.I think that his behavior would say that he does as well.AND i did try telling him,,talking with him,,said "I am not happy with the way things are.Please maybe can we try to do things a little differntly?",,His reply was to call me a cunt,,NICE HUH?

Darlin, first of all nobody deserves to be treating like that. Second, if he does not appreciate the awsome lady that you are then maybe he should not have you. I would never suggest to someone to leave their marriage, that is a personal decision that someone has to make, but if he talk like that to you often and he often calls you names like that, you have to do what makes you happy.

 

[Machiavellix]

I am the one that wants out.I think that his behavior would say that he does as well.AND i did try telling him,,talking with him,,said "I am not happy with the way things are.Please maybe can we try to do things a little differntly?",,His reply was to call me a cunt,,NICE HUH?

Wow. Bring him a dictionary and introduce him to the term "chivalry." Then smack him upside the head with it.
On second thought don't. Last thing you need is to have him turn this on you by calling the cops.
If you want out, then what's stopping you from ending it? Maybe there was love at some point in the relationship, but it seems to me that it's out the window. Along with his maturity.
Well, if you need a friend in this situation, you got one, ma'am.

 

[sinnamongyrl]

Darlin, first of all nobody deserves to be treating like that. Second, if he does not appreciate the awsome lady that you are then maybe he should not have you. I would never suggest to someone to leave their marriage, that is a personal decision that someone has to make, but if he talk like that to you often and he often calls you names like that, you have to do what makes you happy.

aww,,thanks,He calls me names like that quite often!I have tried to be kind,to be nice,,,BUt am really losing my patience,The fucked up thing is,I talked whith a friend of HIS about this and he agreed with me! Normally I would not talk about this with his friends out of respect,,BUT,he came over one day,,i had been crying and I just blurted it out,He had an idea anyway.thank you !I dont feel like such an unwanted used up crow anymore....lol

 

[thump]

aww,,thanks,He calls me names like that quite often!I have tried to be kind,to be nice,,,BUt am really losing my patience,The fucked up thing is,I talked whith a friend of HIS about this and he agreed with me! Normally I would not talk about this with his friends out of respect,,BUT,he came over one day,,i had been crying and I just blurted it out,He had an idea anyway.thank you !I dont feel like such an unwanted used up crow anymore....lol

Are you kidding? Darlin, you should never feel like that. You should feel like the special sweet lady that you are, and you should be treated as such. Not only should anyone ever make someone feel bad, no one should ever let someone else make them feel that way. You deserve more.

 

[sinnamongyrl]

Wow. Bring him a dictionary and introduce him to the term "chivalry." Then smack him upside the head with it.
On second thought don't. Last thing you need is to have him turn this on you by calling the cops.
If you want out, then what's stopping you from ending it? Maybe there was love at some point in the relationship, but it seems to me that it's out the window. Along with his maturity.
Well, if you need a friend in this situation, you got one, ma'am.

and thank you too,BUT chilvary?hheheheh//NOOO not this man,,,never ever has been actually.He said that was for men from the south?i mean WTF?I dont know if there was love there.MAYBE MAYBE in the beginning,,,i held on thinking it was my fault,,,,things would improve,,BUT HELLL NO,,,,they are getting worse.Thanks too about the friend,,,,,,a girl can never have too many friends!

 

[Machiavellix]

aww,,thanks,He calls me names like that quite often!I have tried to be kind,to be nice,,,BUt am really losing my patience,The fucked up thing is,I talked whith a friend of HIS about this and he agreed with me! Normally I would not talk about this with his friends out of respect,,BUT,he came over one day,,i had been crying and I just blurted it out,He had an idea anyway.thank you !I dont feel like such an unwanted used up crow anymore....lol

You should never feel unwanted or used up. There are always plenty of guys out there who feel the same way from time to time, who you'd be perfect with. I'm one of them.
Again, not hitting on you, I'm just an example.
As for talking to his friend, that's not your fault. You should always have someone to talk to. And now you have another, cause I'm offering my services if your interested.

 

[thump]

and thank you too,BUT chilvary?hheheheh//NOOO not this man,,,never ever has been actually.He said that was for men from the south?i mean WTF?I dont know if there was love there.MAYBE MAYBE in the beginning,,,i held on thinking it was my fault,,,,things would improve,,BUT HELLL NO,,,,they are getting worse.Thanks too about the friend,,,,,,a girl can never have too many friends!

Darlin, how someone treats another has nothing to do with where they are from or where they live. I lived in Georgia for many years and there are nice people there and mean people as well. Talking like that to you seems like nothing more than a control issue. Some people think they make themselves look better by bringing others down.

 

[omahaman2]

When you’re down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
And you know whereever I am
I’ll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You’ve got a friend.

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you.
Well they’ll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don’t you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you’ve got to do is call.
Lord, I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend.
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend.
You’ve got a friend.

 

[DCSharksPC]

i recall reading a story on lit where the girl was fed up w/ the guy, so she gave a pretty big ultimatum to her hubby:

you go on your business trip, while i pick out a guy from 20 i have chosen over the internet, and if you're not back in time, i will sleep with the winner

i'm trying to find the story, i dont want to ruin the ending for someone who knows which one i mite be talking about

i'm really sorry about your relationship, baby, take a deep breathe, and try and sort things out slowly, not too fast, and if you really want out, then grab your things and fly

if you need a shoulder to cry on, i'm here for ya too

 

[sinnamongyrl]

Weighing in here from a guy who deals with similar feelings at times. We've been together almost 20 years, and keep going back and forth between realizing why we got together in the first place to not wanting to talk to each other.

The really challenging thing is to try to remember what it was about her that I love. Over time, we get so used to the other person, taking them for granted, that we can forget to treat them with the respect and love that they deserve. We begin to think of them as just the irritating habits they have, or the abusive things they have done or are doing.

My partner is always working; even when we sit in front of the tv, she has her laptop on her lap, working away (although I never actually looked over her shoulder, maybe she's on Lit???). The only times I can get her to stop are when we get out of town, and even then it takes a couple of days of fighting before we can settle into enjoying some down time. She doesn't exercise much, and is constantly injuring herself. Our sex life is in the dumper most of the time....once every couple of months is doing pretty good, and it's always in the bedroom with the lights off.

But then when I'm not mad at her, I realize that she is working hard for the team, bringing in a good income, she's still charming when her head isn't in her work, and she even knows how to play! It takes some work on my part to get her there, but once she's in that frame of mind, we have a great time together.

And then there's the question of what I do to contribute to the issues that we have. I'm hardly Mr. Charming all the time. I can be grumpy in the morning, fart in bed, zone out to the tube when I need to escape....I'm sure she has a healthy list of complaints about me.

I guess my point is that relationships take work, and the longer standing they are, the more work it takes to keep them positive. There's always the question of whether it's worth the effort, and obviously if one person is not willing to put any effort in at all that makes the decision easier (not saying the decision to leave is ever an easy one) in some ways for the other person. But then there's also the history that a couple builds over time. That is probably one of the main things that has kept us together as long as we have been. Thinking back over good times we've had as well as really difficult times, and how we managed to work through those difficulties.

I don't know whether all this rambling helps you or not. It sounds like you're in a very frustrating position, one I recognize, so thought there might be something in this that you could use.

well,,the differnece between mine and yours is,,,YOU still have feelings for her and wish to stay togtehr,,,I DONT,,,he killed whatver feelings that were there,,,,,there is no love,,no caring,,,I am just waiting,,,I need to leave..I am aware i need to,,no therapy,,etc,,is gonna change that.I would go back to the person he was when we met,,BUT he is no longer than person,I am nor being bitchy to you,,sorry if i sound like I am,,,i am just ssaying that after being treated the way i have been for so long,,,it killss love,,,,,

 

[pinkmolly]

I have tried many,many.too many times to talk things over with my husband to no avail.I am weary of his temper,the way he talks to me,being ignored and sex is another story all together.He has a sex drive but lacks passion and imagination if that makes any sense.HE is very selfish in bed,,,will take oral,,but not give,,,will not be overly conceerned if i cum or not.And i have also tried to ask hime to please just be more romantic.etc with me,,,say sweet things,,,,back rubs,,,etc;;; AND HIS excuse for that one is"men just don't talk like that"(romantic)..DAMN IT!I am at the end of my rope with this and have been for some time now.I feel like if i have been saying these things for this long..and nothing is being done about it,,,then maybe that is his passive aggressive way of wanting out of the marriage.I refuse to believe that men cant be loving and romantic and tender.Maybe I am wrong,,but I dont know anymore.

a female point of view on this would be to leave.I am sorry to say it,if you did want to stay.But I would leave.Have you thought of seeing anyone else?i know that always helped me out.I would find some hot guy and have some good clean fun! And no,,not all men are like your husband.There are some nice ones floating around.Although i cant seem to find one myself,I am sure they exist.

 

[pinkmolly]

Hey, I resemble that remark!!

???????????????????

 

[de-valmont]

Sinnamon, really does sound like the guy's a brute. If he truly thinks being a man means giving no respect to his wife and trampling over your self esteem to gain some pathetic sense of power then leave the wanker. Sure the guy sounds like he needs therapy but that's not your job, if he's such a mysogonist and making you miserable deliberately, get out and let him suffer losing you. Other than that, there are decent guys out there, actualyl one hell of a lot of them, so enjoy finding them, I know you will find many who'd love to spend time with you.

Good luck

 

[dragonhearted]

Sinn...

The boyfriend I had from Nov. 2002-May 2004 was absolutely brutal. He abused me, and raped me anally. My boyfriend now...could care less if he cums or not. He loves to eat me out...and is great at it. He is a great kisser, and very romantic. If he had all the money in the world, I am sure I would be getting roses everyday (despite the fact he lives a 4 hr drive from me). He does not have a hot temper...he never yells! I have a jealous streak coupled with insecurity (fear of abandonment). He doesn't get irritated with me cuz he understands just how I feel...he often feels the same.

Anyway...Valmont has the right idea: leave the asshole. Be kind to yourself first...forget about him!

*hugs*
Suzanne

 

[Shadow Thief]

Damn, that's a shame. I'm not very good at the romantic stuff, but at least I'm not selfish in bed. If I finish first (and I don't always), I will do whatever is needed to get the woman there. I don't like leaving things or people unfinished.

Add me to the list of people who are there if you need to talk.

 

[WantonWitch]

Sinna, you've mentioned this guy before and said then that you'd tried your best to make the relationship work. There comes a time when you have to sit back and admit to yourself that he's not ever going to change.
It's difficult to walk away from any relationship and that includes the bad ones, we all think that if we just behaved like so or did that then things will improve, sadly not often the case. It takes two to tango and if one partner doesnt want to keep in step you'll both fall down.
Life's too short to waste it being verbally/physically/emotionally or mentally abused by anyone. You, like everyone else on this earth deserves to be happy and loved. Hell girl you could live until you're 80+, wouldn't you rather smile for most of that time ?
As for the romance, well not all guys do feel comfortable with the roses and poetic words approach but that doesn't stop them showing it in other ways, holding your hand while out walking, unexpected hugs out of the blue, even something simple like making you a cup of tea/coffee/cooking dinner. To be honest in the 22 years I was with my husband he only ever bought me three red roses ( I dried them and they sit on the shelf lol) but he showed his love in plenty of other ways and always made me wake with a smile.
Hmmmm, bit on the wordy side for me lol, think I'll shut up now. Make your mind up hon, remember you don't have to let anyone treat you like that, you do deserve better.

 

[Kaito_Shinshi]

I honestly have to say...from what I've seen here. You can do better. If you're being mistreated, and having a hard time enjoying life. Maybe you need to make a change. I'm not saying leave your husband, but I am saying there's a time to make your life better. How you do that is up to you.

There are 1,000 guys in the world that would do ANYTHING to have a woman like yourself. They'd bend over backwards, for you. Maybe you need to look into that before you end up getting hurt so badly that you don't want to change anymore.

 

[INeedLove]

((((((((((((((((Sinn)))))))))))))))))
I know you've been battling hard for the past months. You have told him in no uncertain terms that you are unhappy and want things to change. He refuses-agressively even. We can't make another person change. We have no control. The only thing we can control is our self. Hon, I think its time to start weighing your options, perhaps even see a counselor on your own. Divorce is tough but living with abuse is tougher.

We're all here to listen!

 

[sinnamongyrl]

Thanks guys,,,I know I need to leave.I have been trying to save a liitle bit of money for a few months now.I tried last night,,one last time,,we were going out to eat.I thought it would be nice.I used some of the money i was saving(stupid girl)..and suggested we got out..get drinks,appetizers,,,the whole nine yards,,HE ENDS up SCREAMING at me on the way there.I kept my mouth shut,thinking it would help,,,and once we got home,,,he did it again...it is over,,,it is OVER,,NO MORE...I am fucking leaving.WHAT makes this an even harder time for me,,,I had met someone that I fell HEAD over heels for,,,MY GOD i wanted this man in ways i did not know were possible...physically,,,all of it,,,and he doesnt want me like that anymore.He says he cares for me,,,BUT we cnat be together as I had wished.I would have done ANYTHING for this man,,,and even he doesnt want me.I am not going to trash him or be mean.AND i wish i did not sound like such a whiney baby,,BUT I am just thinking how much more crap can i deal with right now?feel very much untwanted......unworthy,,unloved.....YES i have friends...but i need more than that.....i want the man i love,,i just cant have him....this sucks a LOT!

 

[Kaito_Shinshi]

feel very much untwanted......unworthy,,unloved.....YES i have friends...but i need more than that.....i want the man i love,,i just cant have him....this sucks a LOT!

You shouldn't be feeling unwanted or unloved, it's not true. The actions of one asshole is NOT equal to the actions of the rest of us...assholes. lol

Unfortunately, I'm gonna be honest. You more than likely will be single for a little while at least. But worry not, you WILL find someone that you love, and will love you in return. Just be careful.

If ya need someone to talk to, you can always hit me up.

Kaito

 

[sinnamongyrl]

You shouldn't be feeling unwanted or unloved, it's not true. The actions of one asshole is NOT equal to the actions of the rest of us...assholes. lol

Unfortunately, I'm gonna be honest. You more than likely will be single for a little while at least. But worry not, you WILL find someone that you love, and will love you in return. Just be careful.

If ya need someone to talk to, you can always hit me up.

Kaito

yeah,,,BUT the guy i wanted,,who doesnt want me is not an asshole...I know thats a knee-jerrk reaction to say hwen someone no longer wants you,..BUT I am trying to be fair.I love him with every cell of my being,he just doenst love me the way i love him....
I gotta stop being so nice about it huh?lol...nahhh

HUSBAND howver is a GIANT ASSHOLE,,,,
and yeah,,I am sure i will be single for quite a while...would not be fair to get involved with anyone right now......