Have you ever...

[Sam37]

Hired a pro?


I've been seriously considering engaging the services of an escort.

Sex has become infrequent and bland with the lady. I don't remember the last spontaneous session. What happened to the increased libido after 40? I feel cheated! She has lost interest and "allows" it. At times she gets fired up AFTER a few minutes, yet her interest in sex is nil at this point.

Talk me into or out of it.

 

[Beck31]

While I disagree with the use of escorts I am not going to judge. Personally I wouldn't. If I were not getting regular sex with my spouse then I know of someone who I could go to. That is for yout to decide if you hire or not. That is just my 2 cents.

 

[monkeyman057]

If she's ok with it I don't see anything wrong with it. It's not my bag but I don't see it as being something out of bounds. I wouldn't go behind her back to do it though. If she ever found out you'll have much bigger problems that a lagging sex life.

 

[schoolszone]

Hired a pro?


I've been seriously considering engaging the services of an escort.

Sex has become infrequent and bland with the lady. I don't remember the last spontaneous session. What happened to the increased libido after 40? I feel cheated! She has lost interest and "allows" it. At times she gets fired up AFTER a few minutes, yet her interest in sex is nil at this point.

Talk me into or out of it.

If shes down with it, hire a pro. Make sure to be picky and get a nice good looking escort who you can have fun with.

 

[Yachtsman69]

I know your situation well.

Escorts can either be really awesome or a complete disappointment. For the most part you get what you pay for, but there are exceptions on both sides of the coin ... so to speak ...

Taking the time to cultivate a FWB who wants the same thing you do is a better idea from my perspective, but could be much more difficult to achieve.

 

[Sam37]

FWB carries it's own issues that I'm not interested in handling.

 

[Connubium]

Ooor you could talk to your wife about your sex life and try and work out how to make it fun and appealing for her again?

Unless she agrees to you visiting a prostitute? Then I guess she really has given up on your sex life.
If it was me it would be an absolute last resort even with the permission of your partner and I would explore every avenue to get your sex life with her back first.

 

[Beck31]

Ooor you could talk to your wife about your sex life and try and work out how to make it fun and appealing for her again?

Unless she agrees to you visiting a prostitute? Then I guess she really has given up on your sex life.
If it was me it would be an absolute last resort even with the permission of your partner and I would explore every avenue to get your sex life with her back first.

Well said. If I had to go outside the marriage to get some I have a friend that I would do that with. I am not going to take a chance on getting an STD or arrested and I don't think the OP should either.

 

[Sam37]

I have talked to her. She doesn't refuse sex; she is uninterested. She won't do things she used to do. No, not so much sexually, but even as simple as surprises such as removing her panties while out and about.

She used to crave physical contact of any type.

She used to be adventurous.

 

[Beck31]

Sorry to hear that. Still I would not encourage you to seek an escort.

 

[Sam37]

Point of clarification: There is no decline in the emotional side of the relationship. None.

She simply lost interest in sex. It's hard for me to relate to that because, well, I have a Y chromosome. If I were multiorgasmic I'd probably live in the bedroom!

She doesn't "hate" sex. She doesn't refuse sex. She doesn't pursue it, either. I don't remember the last time she initiated sex.

I have not made a decision. That's why I sought opinions.

 

[Beck31]

Well with whatever decision you make. Good luck and I hope it is the right choice for you.

 

[Yachtsman69]

Ooor you could talk to your wife about your sex life and try and work out how to make it fun and appealing for her again?

I agree with this. My wife and I have talked about this on both sides. What used to get her going has changed, and for some time there was nothing else as we didn't talk about it. We have done some experimenting over the past couple of years and we have found new ways to get her interested. Recently she has experienced orgasms that are the most intense I have seen, from her, in the almost 30 years we have been together. Pretty cool. Still not enough, but way better than it was.

 

[kjgold]

So if you ask your wife for sex she wouldn't refuse? Which is the same thing that would happen with an escort, correct? Why pay for something you are already getting?

 

[Connubium]

Well said. If I had to go outside the marriage to get some I have a friend that I would do that with. I am not going to take a chance on getting an STD or arrested and I don't think the OP should either.

My concern was more the damage it could/would cause their relationship and the emotional damage it could cause his wife not STI's! I mean, I thought 'Use a condom if you go to a prostitute' went without saying.

Point of clarification: There is no decline in the emotional side of the relationship. None.

She simply lost interest in sex. It's hard for me to relate to that because, well, I have a Y chromosome. If I were multiorgasmic I'd probably live in the bedroom!

She doesn't "hate" sex. She doesn't refuse sex. She doesn't pursue it, either. I don't remember the last time she initiated sex.

I have not made a decision. That's why I sought opinions.

Gawd you are looking at it from such a selfish perspective. What if it was the other way around and she had the high sex drive and you didn't, would you be happy for her to have sex with someone else because of that, and I don't mean dismiss the thought selfishly with 'yeah sure I would', actually empathise with her. You said there was nothing wrong with your relationship emotionally so she is your wife and you love her right? You don't want to do anything that could mean you losing her completely.
It could be a hormonal change in her as well that will pass in time. And the way you put it, that she just doesn't initiate sex does not lead me to believe you could justify hiring a prostitute.

If I was you I would ask her,
a, Is there any reason why she doesn't initiate/want to have sex with you? Is it a problem with you or a problem with sex?

b, Is there anything that you could do that would get her interested again?

 

[monkeyman057]

Gawd you are looking at it from such a selfish perspective. What if it was the other way around and she had the high sex drive and you didn't, would you be happy for her to have sex with someone else because of that, and I don't mean dismiss the thought selfishly with 'yeah sure I would', actually empathise with her. You said there was nothing wrong with your relationship emotionally so she is your wife and you love her right? You don't want to do anything that could mean you losing her completely.
It could be a hormonal change in her as well that will pass in time. And the way you put it, that she just doesn't initiate sex does not lead me to believe you could justify hiring a prostitute.

If I was you I would ask her,
a, Is there any reason why she doesn't initiate/want to have sex with you? Is it a problem with you or a problem with sex?

b, Is there anything that you could do that would get her interested again?

I don't think it's in any way selfish to want to feel desired, which I think is what this boils down to. His wife will have sex with him but only if he makes the effort. This isn't a purely sexual need - this is an emotional issue as well. Something that was once there in the relationship is no longer there. He's trying to figure out how do deal with that.

 

[Connubium]

I don't think it's in any way selfish to want to feel desired, which I think is what this boils down to. His wife will have sex with him but only if he makes the effort. This isn't a purely sexual need - this is an emotional issue as well. Something that was once there in the relationship is no longer there. He's trying to figure out how do deal with that.

Yes, but it could be a hormonal issue that his wife has or it could stem from something emotional, I can understand the need to feel desired but has the OP confided in his wife about feelings and need or is it straight to the prostitute?

I do not think that the 'issues' they are having regarding sex justify him having sex with someone else. Of course if his wife doesn't mind then there is no harm, it's just that I imagine the pain felt my a person who has been cheated on by a long term partner would be more damaging (if not destroy their entire relationship/family) than the feelings of not being desired that he has, I believe that is an issue that would be best handled with communication and honesty from both parties.

 

[Ashleigh_XOXO]

She simply lost interest in sex. It's hard for me to relate to that because, well, I have a Y chromosome.

Hey now! I have 2 X chromosomes and plenty of interest; meanwhile, my hubby has the Y chromosome and hardly any interest. Don't blame the X's!

 

[monkeyman057]

Yes, but it could be a hormonal issue that his wife has or it could stem from something emotional, I can understand the need to feel desired but has the OP confided in his wife about feelings and need or is it straight to the prostitute?

I do not think that the 'issues' they are having regarding sex justify him having sex with someone else. Of course if his wife doesn't mind then there is no harm, it's just that I imagine the pain felt my a person who has been cheated on by a long term partner would be more damaging (if not destroy their entire relationship/family) than the feelings of not being desired that he has, I believe that is an issue that would be best handled with communication and honesty from both parties.

It's almost a sure bet that it's hormonal, but I don't think that lets her off the hook. The fact that it's a change that she couldn't control doesn't exempt her from sharing some responsibility for the hole that it's created in the relationship.

I agree with you regarding the need for an open dialog about what's going on - he did say that he's talked to her. Perhaps a little more communication is in order, but I dare say that no amount of discussion on that topic is going to change her mind, or her hormones.

I would assume that someone contemplating going outside of the marriage to fill this particular need would have already considered the repercussions. Maybe that's not the case and your post gave him some food for thought.

Either way, best of luck to you Sam37.

 

[Hans101]

I've got one word for you:

FOREPLAY.

You say she gets fired up after a few minutes. Spend a few minutes getting her fired up first.

 

[amofiga]

I wouldn't personally think the pro is a good idea. Now withstanding the risks with STD's and getting arrested (unless you live somewhere it's legal) is that it's not a whole lot better than a disinterested spouse in my view. A prositute is doing you because she's getting paid....it's her JOB. She probably has about as much interested in sex with you as watching the Tonight Show. She can be an actress and make you feel "special" but you're just another John with enough money to pay for her time.

I took the other route (but also lived to regret it) of finding a FWB relationship that provided hot sex because it's what we were both looking for. No money, just mutual interest. Had several of these relationships that lasted upwards to several years, but one went nuttso and outted me because she got emotionally involved.....the risk with a "non pro". It nearly cost me my marriage.

My advice, work with your wife, go to a therapist, figure out what to do to make your marriage work again.

Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[junebugseat]

You said she used to do some things she won't do now. What are those things? Is pain or discomfort a reason she won't do them?

If she agreed to a pro, maybe you and she would still have a good relationship but what if you find it tears that up too? Is it worth it?

 

[Sam37]

I've got one word for you:

FOREPLAY.

You say she gets fired up after a few minutes. Spend a few minutes getting her fired up first.

No, I said SOMETIMES she gets into it...yet not often.

She missed out on the whole "middle age increased libido" for women. She also was told by several women that her desire would skyrocket post hysterectomy; it didn't happen.

There's not much we have not tried with each other, folks. It is NOT a matter of not trying new things.

I thought I stated clearly in the first post that I was considering it. No decision has been made.

 

[Sam37]

BTW, thanks for the various opinions, both pro and con. They are appreciated.

 

[Sam37]

Monkeyman's posts were very insightful. Must be the primate connection.