Have you ever gotten too attached? I'd appreciate any advice..

[_elena_]

Looking back, when I'd been cautioned by others not to get too emotionally attached to words on a computer screen, I waved it off as being ridiculous. Now really, who could possibly fall in love online? In all the years I've had my "erotic penpals," I'd never had that problem, and my opinions stayed the same. But just recently, I've experienced what is probably one of the most painful downfalls of an online relationship.

My interst in bondage started out slowly, but escalated into a full-blown fascination in a matter of months. (All I can say is, watch out for the quiet ones like myself - we are the biggest groups of nymphomaniacs you will ever know.) Before I knew it, I was fantasizing about things that were the epitome of what I'd been told was dirty and wrong all my life. And I loved it. Naturally I wanted to take this obsession farther, so I turned to ALT.com to continue exploring. It was there that I met him.

I didn't exactly fall in love, but goodness.. I sure as hell fell into like with this man. I thought (and I still do think) he was charming, funny, frustratingly intelligent, and he knew exactly how to tempt me, to tease me.. with just a few words. He was like nobody I'd ever known in my life, and even though I had never seen him, had never met him, I'd gradually fallen head over heels for him. It happened over the course of about four months of back and forth emails, and it occurred so gradually that I didn't realize it until it was too late.

Part of the reason I had grown so attached to him was the fact that our relationship online was most definitely of a D/s nature. Although, we always referred to each other by our first names, with no Master/slave references. And I preferred it that way. As I got to know him, he seemed to know exactly what to say to me, and how to say it. He would tell me what to do almost nonchalantly, kindly, without making it sound like a cheesy command. In just the four months that we talked with each other, I'd grown so much as far as my understanding of bondage and D/s (although I'm anything but an expert), and even physically, as I tried certain things he'd suggested to me.

I learned first hand (although I initially didn't realize it) how deep of a bond can be formed in a relationship between a dominant and a submissive. He helped me to grow, to improve myself mentally and physically, and for that I admired him tremendously. Nobody had done anything like that for me before in real life, let alone via a computer screen. It got to the point where I was looking forward to each email, opening each new one with shaky hands and a fast beating heart.

And then his emails started getting shorter. And shorter. I would write to him, and at the time it felt like I was pouring out my soul, because back then he drove me to have so many bondage-related epiphanies. I was so anxious, so excited to tell him what I was thinking, and then I would open his reply email with so much eagerness.. And my face would literally fall, because it would turn out that he'd only written one or two sentences (or words) that hardly mentioned the things I'd confessed to him, which at the time had seemed so important to me. Maybe I should have told him that I am an overly sensitive person, that seeing his reply emails always made my throat swell for a few minutes, until I could calm myself down and scold myself for overreacting. Regardless, it's too late now.

Because.. out of nowhere - and I do mean nowhere - he deleted the account that he sent me his emails through. I haven't been able to contact him for nearly a month now, and the confusion I'm feeling right now.. the hurt.. the emptiness.. is just indescribable.

I am not a weak woman, nor am I pathetic, or asking for pity. But this experience has left me feeling more vulnerable and insecure than I ever have in my life. I had found a new interest - BDSM - and spent four months tentatively expressing my desires to this man, slowly growing more confident as he helped me along. But now that he has suddenly left me, I am struck with this paranoia that I've done something wrong. And so much of that confidence I feel I've built up in regard to D/s, I believe has been destroyed.

The tone of this post is awfully depressing, which, for me, is terribly out of character.. (I myself have an extremely playful attitude toward D/s.. I'm the one who would stick my tongue out at my s.o. during an OTK and tell them they hit like a girl. But this recent turn-of-events with my online relationship has made me temporarily gloomy.) Obviously, for those of you who've experimented online (and seeing as how this is Literotica, I assume most of you have!), you all know that if you find the right person, the conversation can be anything you want it to be, and it can be damn satisfying. Start talking about things like subtle arousal or marathon fucking and things just get downright hot.. and believe me, I've experienced my share of all that - well before I've experienced the hurt I'm dealing with right now.

I suppose the purpose of this post, other than to help myself cope through writing things out, is to caution you of the fact that you really can get your heart broken online - I certainly did. I know many of you here probably have incredibly satisfying, real-life relationships, but there are surely others (like myself a while back) who are completely new to this lifestyle. To those, I'm not advising to avoid online relationships at all costs.. just, be careful of how attached you become to the person on the other end of the keyboard.

For those of you who are experienced in this lifestyle, again, I don't want any pity. In just a few months' time, I've allowed myself to get caught up in a fantasy that I falsely believed would one day come true, and once reality set back in, it was unexpected and unwelcomed. I'd like to know if this has ever happened to any of you, and if it has (or even if it hasn't), what advice you can give me to help me move on from this. It certainly isn't easy..

If you've gotten this far in my post, I commend you! You might as well make it worth your while - I am open to any and all comments, and I would thoroughly appreciate your advice.

Best,
Elena

 

[Bandit58]

Elena, I'm sorry to hear he let you down like that, without even the courtesy of an explanation. That makes me really mad, because I know how attached you can become to someone online and to just leave you in the lurch like that, to seemingly forget that there is a person with feelings at the other end of that computer screen, is inexcusable.

I did fall in love with somebody online (it wasn't a BDSM relationship). I did meet this man a few times over the course of a year but most of it was on the computer and the phone. How well I remember the way my heart leaped when I saw him log in to ICQ. How his voice on the phone made me wet. I loved getting his emails and text messages. We talked of "One day" and I dreamed of a relationship with him and gave him my heart and he ended up throwing it back at me. Oh, he was married, and so unhappily he told me, but he didn't have the courage to leave her. And two years later he's still with her as far as I know.

He began to cut off communication with me. Slowly, by not answering my phone calls. His emails tapered off and he began to not be in chat when he usually was. I hadn't heard hide nor hair of him for two weeks before I started to get worried/angry and rang his phone and sent him a text message demanding that he talk to me. At least he had the decency to answer the next phone call......and that was it, he said he wasn't ready and it wasn't fair to me and he thought it better to end it. I was so shattered. He'd led me to think we had a future together and I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because Master Gil and I began exchanging PMs and emails and chatting on Yahoo. We had been friends here on Lit, I knew He was a Dom/Master but I had absolutely no experience with BDSM. To cut a long story short we have now been living together for almost 18 months.

How do you move on? You just do.....you delete all his emails and his phone number and cut him out of your life. He's in the past, and you take what he gave you and use it to build a better relationship with someone else. I was a very shy inexperienced woman when I met that former lover but he helped me to try sexual things and built up my self confidence which had been severely trampled by an emotionally abusive husband. I would say it took at least 6 months to be able to think of him without a pang in the heart, or hear certain songs without wanting to cry. Now I think if I ever saw him again (which is unlikely) I would be able to walk away. He knows what he missed out on and Master reckons that's revenge enough!

 

[cinnamonstick]

I'm sorry that man did not have the balls to tell you it was over. For many people online relationships are just a fantasy. It wasn't that for you but it might have been for him. Maybe it got to be too real or possibly his wife or GF found his email. But whatever the reason I doubt he will ever contact you again. For now it really hurts but it would have been worse had you met and had a r/l relationship with him and he did the same thing.
I had a very similiar experience. We seemed to have so much in common but when it was time to meet poof he was gone. It hurt because like you I was attached to him. It was real to you and like any relationship it will take time to get over. Good luck.

 

[TaintedB]

I am sorry for your loss. It is tragic and it hurts bad. This sort of story is extremely common in online relationships. More the rule than the exception I would think based on what people have told me. Happens to almost everybody who tries to meet people this way, men and women. The hardest part, I think, is when the person is too cowardly to tell us why they're leaving. Normally they do not do this because these dickheads are lazy and fearful of the response this generates: the spurned person tries doubly hard to win them back. But after a long time of feeling hurt you often realize you are much better off, in the long run, without that person in your life and you are relieved (sometimes even grateful) that the inconstant ass cut out the way that they did. In retrospect, you also often see that you really did not know this person at all, often what you thought was him was just a fantasy of him you projected on him. Your ideal of what they should be rather than what they really are.

There are lots of different reasons for why people do this: real life catches up with them (aka wife or gf or a plane crashing into their house), you accidentally say or do something that pushes some big button they have or makes them realize that you two are incompatible, or they meet someone online who seems more compatible with them, or they're just an operator who's figured out the laws of online seduction (not exactly rocket science ) and like their real-life counterparts, discard person after person after each one falls in love with them, because they are addicted to novelty and usually because they are running from something.

What many of us learn after one, two, or more such incidents (if they haven't caused us to run screaming in horror from the computer forever) is to proceed extremely slowly and cautiously with someone online no matter how sympatico they seem initially; to learn as much about who they really are--as opposed to what our imaginings of them are--before we even start to like them; to watch and wait for the axe to drop, to _expect_ it to drop, in fact; to reserve a part of ourselves until long after we've met the individual in person, and to expect that most online-only relationships are going to end very badly. It's sad that you have to keep a part of yourself cynical when something feels so good and right, but if you don't you risk being devestated over and over again. Often, of course, it's you that does the rejecting. Someone will seem to fall madly in love with you, somtimes after only a couple of email exchanges, when they know nothing about you, and you know right away this individual has too many fantasies in his head to be appropriate for you.

I think that part of the problem is that most online relationships (not friendships--the ones that involve romance or lust) can only proceed so far before they reach a point where you either have to take it to person or they change, usually deteriorate in some way. I call this the "shit or get off the pot" stage. It's unusual to find an online-only relationship that goes the distance (lasts more than a few years) because people, despite their marvelous minds, are still animals and they need in-person encounters to solidify a sexual-romantic interest. You need touch and smell to make that person real to you. People respond to this quandry in various ways. One of them, obviously, is to become a cyber-operator, somebody who is in online relationships only for the initial thrills and dumps the person as soon as they become (to them) stale or boring. Sometimes it's not really conscious--they just find something "wrong" with the person or they meet somebody new (and initially more interesting because they are "mysterious").

Sometimes, though, you luck out and you meet somebody who is as fascinated by you as you are by them and who remains fascinated. Someone whose basic eemotional-sexual needs match your own pretty closely. Then you meet in person and, if all goes well, you live happily ever after (or for a substantially long time). This really does happen to people, but boy, for most of us, especially if you are doing the personal-ad site route, you have to go through a hell of a lot of unplesant and depressing encounters before it does. Some people realize after awhile that they do not have the energy or preserverence to go through all this shit, just to meet somebody, and go back to meeting people the traditional way (in person). Others luck out early. Others just stick it out and keep trying and try, while they do so, to protect themselves from harm.

In reading the above over this all sounds so generic and trite and obvious. Sorry if that is the case. I do not mean to belittle your sad experience in the least. It can help, I think, to realize it is almost a universal experience though, something you share with whole lot of other people online. Nothing about this encounter's bad ending had to do with you. The person you were with was clearly really fucked up. Not even dealing honestly with you and telling you there was a problem and instead beating a cowardly retreat, not caring at all how much you'd agonize over the "why" after so much had been built up between you two demonstrated to me clearly that you'd had the misfortune to run into one of the lower (and, unfortunately, very common) forms of online human shit.

 

[Softouch911]

I usually try not to post empty words, but this time, although I have not a word to add to the insights and advice you've gotten from the other posters, I still want to say I feel so sorry this happened.

Everyone is afraid, I think, that this will happen to them, but hopes "this time" will be different .... and I hope you will stick around for a "next time" in smoe way, and that it will turn out to be someone of courage and integrity.

Good luck.

 

[newme]

Thank you so much for your story of loss. As someone new to this site and the online world of meeting people, I greatly appreciate your honesty. As someone who has dealt with the emotional roller coaster of a major breakup(divorce) it doesn't help to hear that it will get better in time-but it will. I learned to become a more independant and resourceful women. and eventually came to realize that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Cry all you want (I couldn't listen to the radio for 3 months-everything reminded me of him), but know there are people here who care. PM me anytime, and keep posting.

 

[Seduce]

Online crashes may be worst than real-life ones.... you meet someone and you attach to him/her all the characteristics of your ideal partner. And if the other person is only a bit emphatic he/she can act just like you expect from him/her.
Sort of dream come through...... only this dream usually doesnt last long and the waking is so rough. All online affairs have sort of unreal quality that can be dangereous to someone too sensible.

I too had online affair but since I am sceptic and ironical (sort of outside shield of mine to prevent me from being hurt), it turned out just fine - we met in real, got married and are quite happy.

But mostly online affairs end in someone being deeply hurt. I am really sorry it happened to you..... be very careful next time. He was not really worth of your affection, which doesnt mean one day you will not find someone who will be.

 

[grace9]

elena, I'm so sorry this happened to you and reading the replies to this thread I see there is some very sage advice within it. I don't have enough experience in the online arena to offer an opinion about that specifically but I, as we all have if we're older than 12, have had my heart broken....several times. I can only say that when your heart gets involved the hurt feels the same....doesn't matter if it's online or in real life. The only difference IMHO would be that in real life there's more to miss (places you went, things you did together, running into each other, mutual friends etc) and that makes the recovery even harder to absorb.

You sound like a sensitive good hearted person and also from what you wrote.....very honest. All are good qualities, great ones, and I hope you won't blame the goodness and receptivity of your nature for what has happened. HE was the jerk. For whatever reason, if he had an SO, lost interest, or met someone else, a decent human being knowing that feelings were involved would have the guts to say something (who wants an emotionally cowardly Dom anyway?....think about that one)....

Anyone who "plays" with people's feelings online or otherwise is a complete bottom feeder and sadly they sniff out for the genuine people that they can feed their sociopathic addiction with. You should be careful, safeguard your tender heart...(though I don't know exactly how to say to go about that)....and please, please...pleeeease don't beat yourself up about what happened. Do whatever helps you in each moment....Be sad...be angry.....cry....find a creative outlet for your feelings.....do ANYthing but be sorry for who you are or your sensitive nature.

You said in your post he helped you grow....but the bottom line is YOU did the work.....he only called your attention to things in you you didn't recognize. You still have that....even without him.....you HAVE how you've grown. He can close his email account but he can't take that away from you unless you let him.

The pain will pass. It will get better elena, it really will. Know that for sure it will. Though your heart is breaking, know that you have (judging by this thread) several people that are thinking of you and wishing you well. If you want to talk or feel the need to vent you can PM me.

All my best,
Gracie~

 

[babiesmiles]

Hi elena first thing welcome on the board .

Your story is not unusual , and I know the pain you feel is real maybe more real than people who are not used to go online can imagine . I don't like to make an hard distinction between so called "virtual " and "real" life cause even the virtual is real .
I'm real just now , while answering your post , I'm here sitting on the carpet of my livig room drinking a real cup of tea , listening to a very real cd music ( classical ) but I'm online and that besides the life ( very full I sure you ) I live offline is just anoter facet of my reality , a complement not an opposite, that's why I prefer to talk about online in contrapposition of offline as I see you do .

So never think you are weak or pathetic because you met an arse online , the grief and the pain for the lack is exactly the same if you'd had met him to a friend's party or in whatever work situation , just in that case he would have had an harder time disappearing without an explanation in such a coward way as he could do with the protective barrier of a screen.

The internet , which I really like for its infinite sources of knowledge and possibilities of meeting, among others, really nice people from all over the world , for some ( both men and women, not gender discrimination in that ) just become an alibi for hide, an occasion to bring out the worst of themselves, the predatory side covered in a charming allure , jumping from a person to another just following an idea of novelty , continually hunting a shiver they never will be allowed to feel , the internet is their strenght and their weakness , cause they online or offline will never be able to get the satisfaction of a fullfilling relation.

Live your pain cause you have to do it to go ahead , but don't leave it to mine your seelf esteem and your joy of life , your curiosity to explore the possibilities of an useful and amazing way to increase your knowledges and why not to meet some real clever and trustworthy friend .
Soon the grief will be gone , and the awareness of yourself you've gained going through it will stay , the new knowledge of your needs and desires wil remain .

Hope you'll stay here , its a good and friendly place at last

 

[Miss Melody]

...the grief and the pain for the lack is exactly the same if you'd had met him to a friend's party or in whatever work situation , just in that case he would have had an harder time disappearing without an explanation in such a coward way as he could do with the protective barrier of a screen...

...and, it would have been harder for you to let go, Elena, because you would have had to get over his physical presence -- you may have been tempted to track him down. The fact that this stopped at the online stage is a blessing in disguise.

All of the comments in this thread have been outstanding, truthful advice. And as one who went through something similar to what you did back in the early days of my time in the scene, it is true, as people have stated, that time will make it hurt less BUT you have learned so many valuable lessons to take with you. For me, the next cyber predator who came along was so easy to spot I dumped him without worry about 2 weeks into our emailing/chatting. And I have the first Asshole to thank for that, to teach me the difference between a 'geniune interest' Dom and a 'just getting my rocks off' Dom. Thank you, Asshole Dom, wherever you are now.

See? One day, you'll feel and talk like that too. Hey, I even capitalized the word Dom for him!

And what's more, I've met some absolutely friendly and fabulous subs, switches, and Doms since, who've taught me even more (especially that I was a S/switch, not a sub - AD thinks ALL women are subs regardless of who they say they are), who supported me through the lowest of lows, and who gave me back the confidence that AD ripped away. They forced me steel myself to go out to more munches and parties and meet real people, in person, and stop relying on the internet as a safety net for relationships.

Take care, and PM me if you want to talk further.

Melody

 

[JupitersGirl]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is unfortunate that he was too spineless to tell you how he felt, but I am glad that you were able to corner him for an explanation. At least now you can put it behind you without wondering.

I have just recently seen the end of an online relationship that I expected to last for the rest of my life....and, to be honest, he expected it too. Real life got in the way though, so now we are friends...which is wonderful!....but I feel such an acute sense of loss that I am heartbroken.

It is part of the D/s dynamic that you bare yourself, standing totally naked before your Master, putting your body/sanity/happiness/whatever in their hands. It tends to make the disappointments much more poignant.

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that other forces also influence his life. Then move on.

Easily said, I know....

 

[_elena_]

Thank you all, for posting. I appreciate both your kind and your honest words, which I felt were extremely well and rightfully put. I highly doubt I'll take on another online relationship again any time soon, but for a naturally quiet person like myself it just seemed like the easiest choice. I don't want to develop the tendency, however, of hiding behind a computer screen all my life, getting lost in fantasy rather than enjoying reality.

What I've always wondered was, how on earth would I meet a decent Dom in real life? In my reality, everyone seems normal, vanilla. These people don't exactly go around showing off their new floggers. If I subtly imply an interest in bondage, well.. I might as well have said I am a witch, based on the reactions I've gotten.

At any rate, thank you all again for your replies.. I realize I need to move on from my experience.. perhaps I'll take away the good aspects and eventually, completely leave behind the bad.

As far as Lit, I like it here. I think I'll stay around a while.

Elena

 

[_elena_]

.Not even dealing honestly with you and telling you there was a problem and instead beating a cowardly retreat, not caring at all how much you'd agonize over the "why" after so much had been built up between you two demonstrated to me clearly that you'd had the misfortune to run into one of the lower (and, unfortunately, very common) forms of online human shit.

Very well put. The one thing that has bothered me, above all else, has been the lack of closure. I need it to feel content, and it is easier to move on when I am not agonizing about why I need to be moving on in the first place.

I'm glad I posted.. it's easier to accept once I realize I'm not completely alone in experiencing what I have. There are others, like those who have replied, who understand. The feeling is nowhere near as lonely as it was initially. Thank you all.

 

[newme]

Anytime.

 

[Guest]

You have my empathy, sympathy, and compassion.

 

[WriterDom]

People fall in love. Stand before God and all their friends and families and make vows. Bring new life into the world together. And over half fall apart and end in divorce. So why get worked up about an internet relationship when you are getting a one dimensional look at a person, and relying on the honesty of someone who could be blowing a ton of smoke up your ass? Would it had been any easier if you had two years of a real relationship and he had dumped you?

In my opinion, people who fall in love online are not falling in love with the person, but falling in love with the idea of being in love. I don't mean to sound cold and callous. I've had my own battle scars and stories along love's highway. And I know your pain is real. But giving your heart away online is like marrying someone on the first date.

 

[mysteryinc]

Dear Elena,
The same thing has happened to me. He was my first dominant partner and I have never felt so strongly about anyone, even though he was virtual. I still don't really understand what happened in my case. One day I just opened my emails and there was one from him saying 'bitch, I don't ever want to speak to you again.. go be weird somewhere else else.' He accused me of lying to him, when I have never been more honest with anyone in my life. So hurtful. At the time I was kind of relying on the relationship, since other things in my life were very difficult. He knew all this. Doubly hurtful.

I believe there are several problems with online relationships. You fall in love so hard since it's a pure relationship of words and ideas and fantasy. Then there is the more obvious problem of distance. He clearly didn't trust me since he couldn't control me in person. It is not so easy to hurt someone in person.

I agree with you so much about not having closure. The thing that troubled me for ages was wondering what I did wrong and whether I was too submissive or not submissive enough.

Geez, maybe we were corresponding with the same man.. our experience sounds so similar

In terms of WriterDom's opinion, I understand how it might seem that falling in love online is foolish. But I disaggree completely. Internet is a fabulous way of screening relationships. If someone is quiet, scared or shy, like me and Elena, it's a safe way to get to know someone. It's not as simple as falling in love after one or two brief emails. It's a case of getting to know someone intimately, and at each step of the way deciding if you are compatible. Falling is love online is a very introspective process. Far more introspective from falling in love in person, where pheremones play their role and things are generally very rushed.

 

[Andante]

Dear Elena,
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. There could be lots of reasons for him to want or need to stop talking to you, but there is NO excuse for just dumping you without an explanation (well, maybe except a plane crashing into his house, as someone mentioned).
It hurts you now, and it will probably hurt for a long time. But you must keep reminding your self that you were the one being open and honest, and he is the spineless ass. Don't let it ruin your self-esteem, he's not worth that.

Part of this thread has touched the principal subject: Can you fall in love on-line?
To me the answer is a big Yes. I met my little girl on alt.com less than ten weeks ago, and within a few days I felt deeply in love, and after a few days I told her so. I know this sound so very naive, but it was how I felt. In the fourth week we met in London for four days, and any trace of doubt just vanished. It was good and right, simply. Since then she's been in Copenhagen to see me for four days and very recently I visited her in her home for five days, and was introduced to her sons. Writing this down I can see how fast we are moving, though we agree to try not to
But the bottom line is: We fell in love on-line, and reality - so far in terms of a LDR - turned out to be even better.

Elena, I can understand that it is frustrating, not knowing what went wrong, but then you must remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, except taking your chance. You certainly did nothing wrong to this poor imitation of a man.
It's simply NOT your fault.

 

[laurel-marie]

I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling and for the mental questioning that eats away at you. Many have given excellent advice, I will not add to it.

The hard part about online relationships...friendships and more....in my opinion, is they tend to get deep at a much faster pace then offline. In some cases even deeper. At least I think so. I know for myself, I tend to be very open with people online, laying my self bare before them. It is the only way I know to let them see the me I am. A few days and weeks online is equal to months and years offline. Add love to the picture and you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. Trusting that they have done the same thing with you. To have that end suddenly with no explanation leaves you raw. Making you want to curl in on yourself and place barriers around you. Just don't let it harden you.

To answer your question, yes, I have gotten too attached to people online just to have them disappear with no good-bye. I feel hurt. I question what did I do. After I grieve, I will try and look back over the relationship and find the good I received from it. The growth it caused in me and hold on to those things. I try(not alway successfully) to not feel hate for them, because I do not know what caused them to disappear.

Sorry, guess I tried to add to it.

 

[kerker_miester]

I am sorry to hear about what happened. I really do not have any advice for you on how to cope with it. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that the emptyness you feel will pass and things will get better. You are not alone I just recently lost my wife/sub after 20 years the emptyness is great but you can overcome it. Never give up on life just improve it, learn from it, and move with it. As to finding someone else esp. in your area you are not alone there either. It will be difficult but I will find someone and so will you. Just belive in yourself and all things are possible.

Good Luck in your future

 

[EroticLust]

It looks like you have received a lot of support and understanding from so many people here at Lit, that's great! It can be a great place to meet those who understand where you are coming from.

I too have recently experienced an online situation with a guy here at Lit who I connected with, who seemed to share a lot of common fantasies and thoughts about relationships. Not to go into a lot of detail, it ended because he was too scared to take our online attraction from email to the phone. He admitted that the reason he could be so open with me online because it was anonymous.

Ahhh, that is so telling. I think people feel this sense of safety online because you cannot see or hear the voice of who you are communicating with. But it isn't as "safe" as you might think, given that you can get hurt by someone you've never even laid eyes on! My intuition told me he was hiding something, and I was up front and honest about it. And never heard another word from him. And I know I am all the better for it. I just don't respect wishy washy people, in person, or online.

So, I know your hesitation to get involved again with someone online. Perhaps there is a better way to go about getting to know someone. Like talking on the phone, or moving the relationship into real time. Or, finding a good private investigator ha ha

As they say, time heals all wounds, and you will, one day, find your true Dom

 

[kayte]

Elena, I'm sorry to hear he let you down like that, without even the courtesy of an explanation. That makes me really mad, because I know how attached you can become to someone online and to just leave you in the lurch like that, to seemingly forget that there is a person with feelings at the other end of that computer screen, is inexcusable.

I did fall in love with somebody online (it wasn't a BDSM relationship). I did meet this man a few times over the course of a year but most of it was on the computer and the phone. How well I remember the way my heart leaped when I saw him log in to ICQ. How his voice on the phone made me wet. I loved getting his emails and text messages. We talked of "One day" and I dreamed of a relationship with him and gave him my heart and he ended up throwing it back at me. Oh, he was married, and so unhappily he told me, but he didn't have the courage to leave her. And two years later he's still with her as far as I know.

He began to cut off communication with me. Slowly, by not answering my phone calls. His emails tapered off and he began to not be in chat when he usually was. I hadn't heard hide nor hair of him for two weeks before I started to get worried/angry and rang his phone and sent him a text message demanding that he talk to me. At least he had the decency to answer the next phone call......and that was it, he said he wasn't ready and it wasn't fair to me and he thought it better to end it. I was so shattered. He'd led me to think we had a future together and I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because Master Gil and I began exchanging PMs and emails and chatting on Yahoo. We had been friends here on Lit, I knew He was a Dom/Master but I had absolutely no experience with BDSM. To cut a long story short we have now been living together for almost 18 months.

How do you move on? You just do.....you delete all his emails and his phone number and cut him out of your life. He's in the past, and you take what he gave you and use it to build a better relationship with someone else. I was a very shy inexperienced woman when I met that former lover but he helped me to try sexual things and built up my self confidence which had been severely trampled by an emotionally abusive husband. I would say it took at least 6 months to be able to think of him without a pang in the heart, or hear certain songs without wanting to cry. Now I think if I ever saw him again (which is unlikely) I would be able to walk away. He knows what he missed out on and Master reckons that's revenge enough!

Good evening {{{{{Bandit}}}}} So nice to see you and to know you and Gil are still together.

And yes, what you said.


Elena ~ I was involved in a LDR that was a poly D/s one as well Mfff. It went on for quite some time. It had it's challenges but we did see each other when we could, and when we all could too.

It was ended for me by phone by him about a week after three of us spent some time together. I knew when I left then something wasn't right. I tried to talk to him before I left and he refused any private time with me. About a week later he ended it on the phone. He never came out and said why.

I admit I was devastated. I then stopped being on Lit for several months, I didn't call him, or email, or IM. I had seen too many relationships end in such public acrimony and I wanted no part of that. I have friends in R/L who knew what kind of relationship I was in, even though it wasn't their way, the were for me when I told them what happened. That helped so much.

I am now obviously back on Lit, with a vengence... Looking over at my post count.

I needed to get away, and reclaim myself. I did that. It takes time, but it can be done. At least 6 months or maybe even more...

I learned lots being in that relationship, and am now doing well. Now, if I'd just not get myself in another LDR... but I did. It is working out. And very well.

It is another D/s relationship, and my Sir knows of that one. He actually has met him in R/L. Didn't say a word to him, but "mentioned it" to me.

There are many of us here for you Elena.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi kayte lovely to see you again
Master Gil sends His regards to the "lovely kayte" too We are heading towards 18 months of living together, and having our wedding in October So it's definitely a permanent thing!

We have been trying to find me a female play partner and we are amazed at the number of people who after a couple of chats just disappear I met one lady one time and never heard from her again, she has never been seen online on msn since that day and never replied to the email or text message I sent her. Others have been bi curious and I have been friendly and not pushy but they just seem to chicken out I guess.......not even a message to say thanks but no thanks. However I am not giving up hope just have to be patient a while longer

 

[LunarKitten]

Unfortunately, this happens a lot online. I won't tell you that in time you will be able to tell those who are serious from those who are pretending to be something they aren't in order to get their rocks off. Because it's neigh on impossible to do so.

Yes, I fell hard online for someone once. We talked on line for weeks and weeks and then on the phone. Then we met for lunch and went on to a local event together. He even gave me a training collar. We were as "together" as one can be when living five hours apart. I became VERY invested in this person. I was considering moving to the city he was located, to be closer to him, with my daughter.

It was about that time I learned he was married, when he had told me he was divorced. When confronted, he said he only told me that because no one would talk to him if he was only seperated. Of course, he wasn't only NOT seperated, but attended functions in his hometown with his wife....the lawyer. NC has a thing called a Blue Law, where spouces can sue the partner of their cheating spouce - and she was not happy with him being involved with BDSM to begin with. (Luckily I am very involved in my local groups and knew people who turned out to know people who knew them *sigh*)

After this happened I actually took a year "off" from my local scene. So I totally understand you saying you were not going to get involved in another online relationship anytime soon. It really takes a lot of you emotionally.

Luckily, I became involved in another online relationship - of course, it didn't start out that way. Like Bandit, it began as a simple friendship with someone on Lit, who happened to live in the city I live in. We were both seeing someone at the time, and they both kind of fell apart within months of each other. Within about six months of knowing each other we decided to dip our toes in the water and try to see if we were as compatible as we thought we might be. Less than a month later he collared me...four months after that we were married. We are now expecting our first child together - he is adopting my 12 year old daughter.

So, keep your chin up and don't give up on your fantasies of this lifestyle. You have to kiss a lot of frogs, but eventually you'll find your version of the prince

 

[h_i_s]

i did get far too attached once. i now suffer from stuckophelia. Being in the same room as any opened tube of crazyglue causes me great levels of apprehension, anxiety and fear.