Have you ever been mismatched in terms of compatibility or roles?

[Skylex499]

Hello Lit,

I am posing the question: When you meet someone, how do you determine if they prefer to trend dominant or submissive? Asking them is always very blunt till you know them very well, or you've already rolled in the hay with them a few times. Plenty of women tend to assume men are naturally dominant and vis versus.

Perhaps the key attraction of this online venue is it allows people to be more honest and open.

Also...With that said, have you ever been mismatched with someone in terms of sexual compatibility? Perhaps found out too late?

Admittedly, my experience is somewhat limited so this may seem juvenile. I was with the same person throughout college and it was extremely vanilla. Same position for years! No lights, etc. I thought this was normal and both people played static roles. After I entered the workforce and started making decent pay and becoming more confident, I started to date and discovered that some very successful guys unexpectedly confessed harboring a desire to be tied up, spit on, called names, or wanted to worship me. I didn't and still don't even know if I would enjoy this, having never experimented but I'm doubtful. (Is that judgmental of me?) I wouldn't mind being aggressive/rough such as pinning a man's hands down or even the throat but the rest has left me so very confused.

 

[Nezhul]

I remember Matt Williams (Kink, Insex) telling a story once. That he would go on a date with his girls and on the very first date came clear with her that he liked tying girls up.
That made most of them finish the date quickly and leave, but then the rest 20% of girls in the colledge were seeking him out, when they found out about his kink.

Point is - being honest helps. It's hard to do, psychologically, but if you are really into kink - it's better to bring this up early on and not waste the time of both of you, if you are mismatched.

I, for example, know I can live without kink, so I can afford to delay this talk until we've had sex a couple of times. But it I really NEEDED that stuff - I would come clear right away, with the pretense that I don't expect this to happen right away, but that I want to make sure that she's at least open for this kinds of games.

 

[Skylex499]

Did Matt Williams have a harem of ladies to seek out first dates with a lot of the time in college? I admit it is a good strategy and he is quite tenacious for attending to all those dates that may/may not amounted to much, depending on the girl's comfort.

You are right and honesty probably is the way to go. Many are frightened by the prospect of being too blunt before the time is right, though. (Especially for people who perceive there's a stigma with what they want!)

However, it may be best to avoid taking peoples' time.

 

[Luna2121]

Another way that might help is ...

Talk to them outside of the work place
I can't speak for everyone but I know with myself I seem like a dominant person while I'm in the kitchen working but outside of the workspace I'm a very submissive person and it shows in how I speak and act I'm not saying it works this way with everyone but for me at least I don't usually like to look at people in their eyes for very long I'm more of a shy person and I don't really try to take control of the conversation that isn't to say I can't hold a conversation or that I become a door mat type of person. As I said this is not a definitive how to tell a sub. Simply my point of view.
And speaking from observation often times a dominant person can do the same they have an air of authority they command attention without needing to ask for it. They seem confident in themselves.
So yeah my biggest suggestion is talk to them plus it never hurts to know more about someone before bringing up cuffs, collars, and the like

 

[yukonnights]

As you said, you doubt you would enjoy the classic BSDM stuff, but maybe a little bit of play aggression/domination, etc. There's a couple of Threads here in this forum that discuss Gentle FemDom. That sounds like it may be what you would be most interested in. Best to figure out what you like first, it seems to me...then figure out how to find a partner to play it out with. There's also a BDSM self test thread here or BDSM Talk Forum....it would help you better know where you stand in you preferences for dominance or subission and a bunch of other related traits.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Skylex499]

Talk to them outside of the work place
I can't speak for everyone but I know with myself I seem like a dominant person while I'm in the kitchen working but outside of the workspace I'm a very submissive person and it shows in how I speak and act I'm not saying it works this way with everyone but for me at least I don't usually like to look at people in their eyes for very long I'm more of a shy person and I don't really try to take control of the conversation that isn't to say I can't hold a conversation or that I become a door mat type of person. As I said this is not a definitive how to tell a sub. Simply my point of view.
And speaking from observation often times a dominant person can do the same they have an air of authority they command attention without needing to ask for it. They seem confident in themselves.
So yeah my biggest suggestion is talk to them plus it never hurts to know more about someone before bringing up cuffs, collars, and the like

Ah! See, you hit the nail on the head in that it's so difficult to tell if someone is submissive or dominant, especially in the workplace. Perhaps observing them outside of work would help matters much better than trying to guess.

The soft spoken, timid guy working at the records store down the street could be extremely dominant in bed. The confident, hard hitting business manager that seems dominant at work may really trend more submissively in private. Often times, both things are brought up only when you're EXTREMELY comfortable with them.

Then you find out, "Wow, I am not into that at all," but it's a little late to cut ties. The best you can do is quote incompatibility or compromise. Nothing will ever be perfect, like one poster wisely pointed out. It never hurts to have an indicator though.

I like your suggestion about eye contact. Someone told me that the LaVey Clock synthesizer was a good way to tell if someone was dominant or submissive once but most people don't know their position on the clock. Guess you'll just have to steadily get to know the other person over time. ^^