Have not finished my story would like feedback on my english

[dirty_hankey]

I am not a native speaker of the english language but am interested in improving my skills. Writing erotica looks like one of the more enjoyable ways to improve my english wiriting skills. I am looking for some one who likes where my story is going and would enjoy editing it. I already worked out the plot in my native language (dutch) and would like a opinion on the first paragraphs I wrote. I will post the story in a follow-up.

 

[dirty_hankey]

The story

Buying my sister a new bikini

In the sommer of '96 I was glad to be back home. College life was tiring. I failed half of my classes, I couldn't get laid and since 'the incident' I wasn't invited to parties anymore and lost most of my college friends. The friends I still had were total losers. Even bigger losers than I was, if that is possible. But in my home town I was still loved. My old friends were happy to take me out to party 'for old times sake'. My family was laughing at every joke I made. They were really thrilled the comedian of the family was back. And last but not least, my sister was more affectionate than ever. Susan had truly missed me. It was actually a bit suffocating in a good way how she showered her 20-year old brother with love.

Susan was a lovely 18 year old voluptuous (in the original sense of the word) woman currently working as a cleaning lady at the local day care center. She totally fucked up her education to the despiration of my parents. Most of our childhood we spend fighting and pestering eachother, but because I was her greatest support during her troubled teen years we grew closer. We still had lots of stupid little fights over stupid little things but we were forgiving instead of vengeful. Part of me must admit I was more forgiving because she had become a super hot babe. She has what they call a pear-shaped body, wide hips, a juicy butt and a slender upper body complemented with two large, round almost symmetrical breasts. Her legs were long and muscular. Apart from a few scars they were really sexy. Her pretty green eyes would light up whenever she smiled. Her lips didn't need any lipstick, they were colored a glowing red by mother nature herself. Her dark blonde hair was long and wavy, needing a lot of attention. My sister knew being beautiful meant enduring some pain and discomfort. We men have it easy. But I sure as hell appreciate the effort women put in looking attractive.

I've seen her in the nude almost daily during our teens. We have only one bathroom and we didn't mind sharing it. She only claimed her privacy one week of the month. I fully respected that, not in the least because she would be extremely cranky that time of the month.... I would be tiptoeing around her and still be shouted at. In the early days I would be shouting back but I later learned to just let her cool down. Opposed to many of the incest stories I've read on the internet there was never any sexual tension when we saw eachother in the nude. I can't even remember having wood around her. I had an erection at least four times a day, so seeing my sister naked just didn't do it for me. But I knew a beautiful woman when I saw one. Simple as that. I often thought about fotographing her naked self before gravity would win the battle over her near perfect developing breasts or her firm ass. Just to preserve it for mankind. Not for my personal pleasure. Really, I mean it. I'm not a perv....

Things heated up that sommer. I hadn't really spend time with my sister and parents since christmas. After the fighting stopped over my college education gone awry we acted as a happy family again. The first week I was the only one home all day enjoying my vacation. Susan would have a two week vacation and my parents only a one week vacation. The first week I spend in bed, on the beach or with my good old friends. I also spanked the monkey a few times... a day. With no one home I could watch porn, read erotic stories or fantasize about girls I saw at the beach without the fear of my roommate hearing me moan while I jerked off. I knew exactly when I had the house for myself. But wednesday I was surprised by my sister, who came home early... while I was upstairs at my computer watching dirty movies and stroking my average but in my humble opinion gorgeous circumsized cock.

"Richard!!", that is my name, "I'm home..", Susan sang while she walked up the stairs. Shit! Mary, mother of Jesus! I had no time to slip into some clothes, close the porn on my computer and hide the vaseline all at the same time. "Just a minute...", I shouted looking down on my glistening pounding erection. Quickly I jumped into a boxer shorts and T-shirt and threw the jar of vaseline into a corner. Susan walked into the room. On my computer screen an extremely busty white woman was tittyfucked by a extremely large negro cock. My head turned red of embarassement. With shaking hands I grabbed the mouse in an attempt to close the media player. I failed to click the cross twice, but my third attempt was succesful. "Sorry, I didn't want you to see this.", I said looking away. "It's okay. I watch porn myself you know." Susan totally flabbergasted me. "I'm sorry", I repeated. "Were you....??", Susan asked hinting at the outlines of my erection, not so well hidden in my shorts. "Well, I guess I will tell you about my day another time. You just go right ahead when I've left your room. It's normal you know.", Susan said while she turned around. "I'm not in the mood anymore. Just tell me about your day and why it was so short", I said while I felt my dick softening and my heart rate go down.

Apparently she couldn't stand the heat today and fainted during work. She was sent home by her concerned boss. "You've probably forgot to drink and eat enough like you always forget.", I said with a strict voice looking into her eyes, "You should take better care of yourself!". I gave her a hug feeling her heavy breasts pressing against my chest. "You're such a sweet big brother. I'm so glad you're home", Susan whispered in my ear. We prolonged our embrace longer than usual. "I'm glad too. Lets do something together the rest of the afternoon. Wanna go for a drink at the square?", I suggested. "No, I fainted an hour ago remember. I would just like a cup of tea right here at home.", my sister replied. "I will join you down stairs right after I finished jerking off. You need some milk?", I was feeling comfortable again so I just blurted this out. "You have such a twisted sense of humor. I bet you have twisted, perverted thoughts all the time.", Susan said with a naughty smile. "A dirty mind is a joy forever!"

I did not masturbate after that. In fact I made my sister tea. We both picked up a book to read and took a seat in our garden enjoying the sun. After a few minutes outside my sister said: "I'm going to change into a bikini, the sun is lovely today." After we both changed into our swimwear I met her outside again. She wore a black bikini. Het top piece did a lousy job of containing her breasts. They jiggled, but amazingly they didn't droop a bit. My sisters boobs, defying gravity since she was sixteen... We went back to our reading. While she turned to her chair I had a great view of her ass. Was it my imagination or did she shake it a little before sitting down. I tried to concentrate on the detective novel I was reading to no avail. I couldn't help myself from looking at my sisters body. Her skin was sweaty and silky, I wanted to lick it. I did not have a good view of her boobs because of the way she held her book. Aware of my stares she put the book away and said: "Like what you see?". I nodded. "Don't you have a girl friend in college?". I responded: "No, they're all stuck up bitches." She gave me a vile look and said: "You're only calling them bitches because you ain't getting any. You jerk off." Ouch.. That hurt. Why did she turn evil on me now. "I betcha still a virgin.", she whispered. "I'm not! I lost my virginity years ago.", I said. That was a half-truth really. "Well tell me about it."

 

[CopyCarver]

I'm drowning in work at the moment and don't have time to offer much help.

Just offhand, however, you probably want to break up the large blocs into shorter paragraphs, especially in e-publishing. Most importantly, you need a new paragraph each time the speaker changes.

Good luck with the story. You're off to a good start

 

[snooper]

I am not a native speaker of the english language ... and would like a opinion on the first paragraphs I wrote. I will post the story in a follow-up.

Email me on onetimebox@hotmail.com and I'll send my comments back to you.

 

[dirty_hankey]

thanks

Thanks CopyCarver for your suggestions. Thanks snooper for offering some help. I will contact you when I've written a decent amount of the story.

 

[snooper]

... Thanks snooper for offering some help. I will contact you when I've written a decent amount of the story.

I suggest you contact me before going further. There are some problems (especially with punctuation) which will be very tedious to change later.