Happily engaged

[Zarafa71]

Hi guys, I'm happy but could use some feedback.... ''

I've been with my fiance for nearly 12 years. We have been engaged for 9 years. I love him to death, he is my best friend and we do talk about everything. I enjoy spending every moment with him, I even go to work with him when I can. I can think of being with no one else. We have similar interests but also different ones. We have had very hard times but have always pulled through them. We have a house together, and are finacially sound. Only last year I found out that he had been sleeping around for the past aprox 8 years, with 6 different girls, and on about 15 occasions. '' This happened while I worked shifts.Can any of you guys out there explain why this happens ??I have always been open with him and have given him all the freedom he wants and he abused the trust, he tells me it was just a sex thing and loves me with all his heart and never wants to leave me. We have a great relationship, our sex life is fantastic, we make love numerous times a week, I give him oral with pleasure, he loves giving me oral, we try any position possible and are always open to new ideas. No i'm not but ugly..
I'm 5'8", slim, brunette, and intelegent... We are working through things well at the moment.. any advice ??

 

[peachykeen]

sorry, I got stuck on "we have been engaged 9 years"...




Was that not a clue that there were commitment issues?

 

[shescurious]

Hi guys, I'm happy but could use some feedback.... ''

I've been with my fiance for nearly 12 years. We have been engaged for 9 years. I love him to death, he is my best friend and we do talk about everything. I enjoy spending every moment with him, I even go to work with him when I can. I can think of being with no one else. We have similar interests but also different ones. We have had very hard times but have always pulled through them. We have a house together, and are finacially sound. Only last year I found out that he had been sleeping around for the past aprox 8 years, with 6 different girls, and on about 15 occasions. '' This happened while I worked shifts.Can any of you guys out there explain why this happens ??I have always been open with him and have given him all the freedom he wants and he abused the trust, he tells me it was just a sex thing and loves me with all his heart and never wants to leave me. We have a great relationship, our sex life is fantastic, we make love numerous times a week, I give him oral with pleasure, he loves giving me oral, we try any position possible and are always open to new ideas. No i'm not but ugly..
I'm 5'8", slim, brunette, and intelegent... We are working through things well at the moment.. any advice ??

I agree with what peachykeen said...

But really, if he has been cheating on you for this long do you really think he will be able to quit? Also, will you ever be able to trust him again or will your every moment at work be spent wondering if he is out screwing around?

You state that you are working things out now. I wonder what excuse he has given.

I would really think twice about continuing this relationship.

 

[sheath]

Hi guys, I'm happy but could use some feedback.... ''

I've been with my fiance for nearly 12 years. We have been engaged for 9 years. I love him to death, he is my best friend and we do talk about everything. I enjoy spending every moment with him, I even go to work with him when I can. I can think of being with no one else. We have similar interests but also different ones. We have had very hard times but have always pulled through them. We have a house together, and are finacially sound. Only last year I found out that he had been sleeping around for the past aprox 8 years, with 6 different girls, and on about 15 occasions. '' This happened while I worked shifts.Can any of you guys out there explain why this happens ??I have always been open with him and have given him all the freedom he wants and he abused the trust, he tells me it was just a sex thing and loves me with all his heart and never wants to leave me. We have a great relationship, our sex life is fantastic, we make love numerous times a week, I give him oral with pleasure, he loves giving me oral, we try any position possible and are always open to new ideas. No i'm not but ugly..
I'm 5'8", slim, brunette, and intelegent... We are working through things well at the moment.. any advice ??

Of course, he never wants to leave. And guess what? He never will. Why would he? He's getting his cake and eating it, too...plus the icing, the ice cream, and the cherry on top...

Baby, find some self-respect and immediately DUMP his ass. Nine years? It's high time. You deserve better.

S.

 

[SexyChele]

sorry, I got stuck on "we have been engaged 9 years"...




Was that not a clue that there were commitment issues?

Yup, that's where I got stuck as well.

And I also agree with Sheath: why should he leave, and why should he stop? He's got it all! He's living every man's dream!

Good luck!

 

[RoughPlay]

> Can any of you guys out there explain why this happens ??

I'm only trying to answer Zarafa71's question so please don't shoot
the messenger.

Because he wanted variety. Many (maybe most) men don't want to limit
themselves to one partner only for the rest of their lives. Its boring.
Its much more fulfilling and fun to have sex with a different woman
every now and again in addition to the main woman.

Unfortunately most women have the opposite values and want to be
monogamous. Its a pity we're so incompatible.

He was probably dimly aware that you would disapprove of what he was
doing but fulfilling his own need far out weighed this. Yes he was
very selfish. Many (maybe most) men are.


> and have given him all the freedom he wants

Presumably you didn't give him the sexual freedom he wanted.


> he tells just a sex thing and loves me with all his heart and never
> wants to leave me.

He may well be telling you the truth. Love and sex are normally
completely different things for a man. On the otherhand he may be lying
to preserve the sweet set up he has.


> any advice ??

If you want a monogamous man then you should look else where. However
you might get the same problem with the next one.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I got stuck where everyone else did... 9 years of engagement. Why would you wait so long? You're financially sound, you have a house, etc... committment issues.

And honey, he's cheated with 6 different women. That's at least 6 possible STD's he could have brought into your house. That's at least 6 children he could have had with women other than you.

Why would you want to endanger yourself like that?

I would dump his ass so fast he wouldn't be able to say 'asshole'.

 

[Monazwx]

There's NOTHING to work out.
He cheated (alot) and ruined the relationship.
Do you realize that he could have given you any number of diseases?
Even if he didn't love you, he could at least respect you enough to not sleep around without your knowledge.

GIVE HIM THE BOOT!!!

 

[shopperst]

What they said...

9 years?? Question, did YOU want to marry HIM, even before 'the issues'?

 

[Lust Engine]

Admittedly the 9 year engagement thing kinda stuck out like a sore thumb to me too. If you guys were just living together for 9 years, it'd be different. Being engaged means there's a goal of marriage impending.

First off I'd get tested for STD's for your own sake. You might've caught something from him sowhy take a chance & do it for YOUR peace of mind.

As far as why he did it? There's no sound rational excuse that would clarify it. It's a totally selfish knee jerk act of stupidity to betray anyone's trust. Trying to apply logic here won't work. He's got issues in which he needs to resolve.

The only issue for you is how many more times are you going to allow yourself to be stepped upon & betrayed by this man? Can you EVER trust him??

I'm hardly one for telling people to break up. I've always been one to see people resolve things & hope for the best, but he's demonstrated a lengthy period of abuse here on you. YOU deserve better.

 

[Gilly Bean]

I am going to go with everyone else here.

After 12 years together, he's still not up for the marriage. It's more like a conveinence to him at this point.

Likely, and this is nothing at all against you, this has stalled out for him.

He wants the comfort of being able to say, No, I'm engaged. But at the same time, he's able to turn it around and say, No, I'm not married.

Honey, you need to sit with him, and figure out what exactly is happening. It's not going to just stop, because if it was isolated, it would have been a 1 time deal, not a 6 time deal.

You need to take control of your own life, and be able to sit there and say, this is what I want, and I need to make sure I'm getting it. This isn't about what you want, or what you are getting, <insert fiance' name here>.

Your life is about YOU, not HIM or even about the 'US'.

Take your life back, and mold it how you want it, not how he wants it.

 

[Lust Engine]

Gilly nailed it on the head here. It's about you now. What do you want to do to get your life back? Don't let his actions or inactions dictate what you want out of life.

 

[Hairgrip]

I guess the thing is that people can get really easily stuck in ruts, where they are not able to see that the grass is not only greener on on the otherside, but within their reach.

If you think the relationship has run its course then end it, it'll be really really tough, but if it the right thing to do for you then seize the carp and beat him around the head with it.

If however you are unsure about the whole thing, you want to keep the relationship going then you'll need to decide if you are able to deal with him having a bit on the side everynow and again, or if you want him to commit to your relationship.

As regards the whole length of the engagement issue... we have no idea if it was you or your partner who has chosen that 9years is a suitable period not to get married in. I can't pass any judgement, but i do agree that people tend to get engaged inorder to get married eventually... 9 years is maybe a little long.

Hx

 

[peachykeen]

Hey again, just revisiting this and just noticed also the way you open this thread:

"I'm happy but..."

No buts about it, honey.

You say he's your best friend. Oh, really? Is that how 'best friends' act?

Think about it, sister.

 

[sheath]

Hey again, just revisiting this and just noticed also the way you open this thread:

"I'm happy but..."

No buts about it, honey.

You say he's your best friend. Oh, really? Is that how 'best friends' act?

Think about it, sister.

You GO, peachy.

S.

 

[Zarafa71]

Very interesting feedback. I was hoping for more feedback from men as I am trying to get an understanding of why these things happen ? Many of you have stated to leave I always thought I would if this ever happened but it is easy to say. I do love him and am very happy otherwise.
We have been engaged for a long time, yes, and it has been a mutual agreement. I have thought of many things through this whole process, and wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this happening to them.
We have had counsellling, and is going great.
RoughPlay you did mention some very true points that my Fiance has also stated about SEX etc, the other thing about sexual freedom, i'm not sure exactly what you meant, but there are no problems in our bedroom, there is hardly a dull moment.
The girls he slept with I know them, and they are no Barbie Dolls one was supposed to be a friend ?? so You can not trust friendships in any form... RoughPLay you also stated that if I get another man can I trust him ? I would have never thought my Fiance would do this to me how do I know the next guy wont.. sometimes it's better the devil you know ! I'm sure there's are thousands of men that do this and thier wives, girlfriends etc would never know, but I do wish he would have told me after the first time, you never know I may have allowed an open relationship but I never had the opportunity.
I don't believe I'm the only one, I know of many relationships where people don't get married for many years .. Others I feel rush into things way to fast.. Please, the more info the better thanks..

 

[MistyBluEyes]

In order to have a healthy relationship you MUST have trust. Can you trust him after he has done this to you? I don't think so. I think some of the best advice I ever got from my mother was 'If they cheat on you once, they cheat on you twice....If they hit you once, they hit you twice' It is very true. If you let him get away with this, he will continue to do it.

Think about what you are doing. You deserve someone who will treat you like you are the only woman worth being with. That is the man you should fall in love with. Not the one who cheats on you.

 

[MistyBluEyes]

Good luck. I'm 37 and have been married twice. I have experience in what you are going through. I am divorcing him now because I realized that life is too short to be with someone who treats me with such disrespect. I deserve to be happy and that is exactly what I will be as soon as the divorce is final.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

totally agree's with sheath

 

[Monazwx]

Many of you have stated to leave I always thought I would if this ever happened but it is easy to say. I do love him and am very happy otherwise.

What otherwise? Respect is the basis of any relationship.
It's difficult leaving someone you love, but you have to salvage yourself first.

We have had counsellling, and is going great.

Is he still cheating? Do you know?

There are no problems in our bedroom, there is hardly a dull moment.

There probably isn't a dull moment in the other girls' bedrooms either.

The girls he slept with I know them, and they are no Barbie Dolls one was supposed to be a friend ?? so You can not trust friendships in any form...

Poontang is poontang. You need to re-evalute ALL of the relationships in your life.
You should be able to trust the people around you without reservation.

I would have never thought my Fiance would do this to me how do I know the next guy wont . . ., you never know I may have allowed an open relationship but I never had the opportunity.

Which is why you should try again.
When you find the right man, the risk of opening up your heart is worth it.

I know of many relationships where people don't get married for many years .. Others I feel rush into things way to fast . . .

After 12 years, the cheating indicates that this relationship is regressing instead of progressing into something lasting.

 

[Lust Engine]

I don't believe I'm the only one, I know of many relationships where people don't get married for many years .. Others I feel rush into things way to fast.. Please, the more info the better thanks..

While I have no problem with people who live together for long long periods of time and never get married, my question (& I think a lot of people are wondering the same) is...

why be engaged???

Doesn't being engaged mean a prelude to marriage... eventually? I'm starting to wonder if by you wearing an engagement ring is seen by him as "marking his territory" somehow. Obviously he can go out & fool around because he displays no such visble markings as being in a committed relationship. Again, just a query as to why you've been engaged for so long.

Does he have a time frame for getting married? Has it ever even been discussed??

 

[Lust Engine]

As far as WHY guys go out & stray beyond a committed relationship? I call it being selfish. It's immaturity, lack of moral fiber and numerous other weaknesses.

It takes more guts & bravery to stay IN a relationship than it does to stray. I'm not sure if I answered WHY a man would stray but those are my views as to why anyone would stray.

 

[sheath]

Okay...I have thought long and hard about responding to this post. I know that I responded before, and advised you to leave him...but the fact that you are asking 'why' really struck a chord with me. So...warning. Honesty is imminent, and you will not like what I have to say. I don't like it myself.

It seems you are just simply asking "Why". Let me try to answer that by saying simply: there is no why.

I have been cheated on, numerous times. I have been the one who cheated. I have also been the woman who has taken that married man away from his wife, the wife who never saw me coming. If there is a road to travel in the matters of being unfaithful, I have not only traveled it...I have rewritten the entire fucking map.

The fact is, there is no why. There never is a reason that is enough. You can say that it happened because he wasn't satisfied...because the temptation was too great...because someone else was irresistible for one damnable moment...that feelings changed...that it was simply a joyride. You can give a million reasons but you can never answer the 'why'.

There is no why. There is no point in searching for one. That hollow place inside you that seems to get a little bigger each time you think about the other women? That hole inside you that you keep telling your mind and heart to close, but that your soul simply cannot forget? That is called betrayal, and it doesn't have to have a reason. No answer is substantial enough to fill that void. Trust me, I know.

Not long ago, a woman stood in front of me, looking me directly in the eye, and asked me why I took her husband out of her bed and into mine. My mind ran through hundreds of answers. Not one of them made that hole inside her any less. Not a single thing I could say would ever explain why she was disregarded. In the end, all I could do was force myself to look back at her and admit the truth. There is no why.

He cheated on you. He did it without remorse, no matter what he says. One mistake is something to consider. Six mistakes? He knew exactly what he was doing. He probably even thought about you while he did it. He knew exactly what he was getting away with, he knew exactly how it would make you feel. But he did it anyway, knowing all those things. Can you ever look at him again and see the man he first was? No. You can't. If you say you can, you are fooling yourself.

Ask him why. I promise you...no answer will be enough. You will always be waiting for more of an explanation. You will always be trying to fill that bottomless pit that betrayal has wrought in you. Does that sound morbid and cynical? I was just like him. I know damn well...there is no why.

All you have left is to move on. Kick at that house of cards and let them fall where they may as you walk out the door. If you don't, you will never truly be happy.

S.

 

[shescurious]

I don't think any of us could have put it more clearly than Sheath did.

I have often searched for the why in regards to men cheating and I have never found an answer that really justified ruining a marrige, a family, or a wife.

Now I know that there is no answer.

Sheath, Your post profoundly effected me. I hope it has the same effect on Zarafa71.

Shescurious

 

[RoughPlay]

Hello Zarafa71

> I do love him and am very happy otherwise.
I think you should stay with him for now and try and make it work
but this depends on all sort of conditions.

He is going to have sex with other women in the future. If he says
he is not then he is lying to you and perhaps to himself.

Are you okay with this providing on each occasion it is done with your knowledge and
permission and with STD tests beforehand ?

If you are then he may well love you with a depth and an intensity that
will surprise you.

If you are not okay with it then you should end your relationship now.

> the other thing about sexual freedom, i'm not sure exactly what you meant,
I meant the freedom to have sex with a small number of other women with your
knowledge and permission perhaps even your participation.

> You can not trust friendships in any form...
I think you can once you have achieved a sufficient depth of intimacy
and acceptance of each others needs and a willingness to fulfil them.
The counselling you are going through may well take you to this level.

> sometimes it's better the devil you know !
There needs to be a much better reason than this for you to stay
with your fiancé. When you look into his soul, all things considered,
is he a good man or is he not.

> but I do wish he would have told me after the first time, you never know
> I may have allowed an open relationship but I never had the opportunity.
He should have told you before the first time. He was probably too cowardly
and feared you would have disapproved and not allowed it. A sincere apology
about this is one of the many things you should be getting from him.


Many people on this thread are talking about trust and respect. I believe
many men and women have a fundamentally different view of trust in
relationships.

Many women feel trust with an intensity and vehemence that still shocks me.
For many men I suspect its no big deal. What's all the fuss about. When your
fiancé had sex with other women he was not trying to disrespect you or
insult you, he was just trying to have some sex with a different woman. He
probably had no idea how you felt about trust and the degree to which you
felt he was breaking it and how much this mattered to you.