Handling boundaries

[cruisergal]

How do I handle a husband who refuses to honor sexual boundaries?

 

[OddLove]

Honestly, divorce. Sorry if that's not the answer you want, but it's unacceptable and abusive behavior. Talk to a friend or family member and make an exit plan. Don't discuss the exit plan over text messages or with anyone he talks to. Only discuss it verbally over the phone or in person.

 

[Britva415]

There's a difference between expressing a boundary (which you've done) and enforcing the boundary (which you haven't).

The boundary isn't when you say "you can't do this," the boundary is what you do to defend and hold it when it's transgressed.

If you aren't going to do anything about it, it's not a boundary.

Demonstrate the consequences. Leave if you have to, do whatever you have to or it's going to just keep happening.

 

[Otis_Ravelli]

There's a difference between expressing a boundary (which you've done) and enforcing the boundary (which you haven't).

The boundary isn't when you say "you can't do this," the boundary is what you do to defend and hold it when it's transgressed.

If you aren't going to do anything about it, it's not a boundary.

Demonstrate the consequences. Leave if you have to, do whatever you have to or it's going to just keep happening.

Sorry, but that's horseshit. A boundary is a boundary when it's expressed as something you don't want to happen. It's reasonable to expect that once you've expressed a boundary that it isn't crossed. A boundary is exactly saying "you can't do this" and if that's being ignored then that's abusive.

 

[Britva415]

Sorry, but that's horseshit. A boundary is a boundary when it's expressed as something you don't want to happen. It's reasonable to expect that once you've expressed a boundary that it isn't crossed. A boundary is exactly saying "you can't do this" and if that's being ignored then that's abusive.

I don't disagree that this person is being abused and that the behavior is abusive. I don't disagree with that at all.

But if someone expresses a boundary but then doesn't back it up, the boundary fails. That's what's happening here.

The OP asks how to keep the boundary from failing. Sorry, Otis, but continuing to re-state the boundary isn't going to do the trick. There will have to be follow-through, or the boundary will keep failing.

Which is what I mean when I say it's "not a boundary." You can draw a line on the ground or you can erect a fence.

It's interesting you seem to think that the way to handle an abuser is to not go any farther than telling them not to do it.

Leave the room, leave the house, leave the marriage, get a gun, call the cops, this is a situation where OP has to DO something they haven't previously been doing. I take their word for it that they've already been verbally expressing the boundary and it's being ignored. That's abuse and based on context it's apparently also sexual assault.

"Just say no," my ass. Just saying no and not showing you mean it, with some consequences, means it will keep happening.

It's reasonable to expect that once you've expressed a boundary that it isn't crossed

Of course that's reasonable to expect, don't pretend I'm saying otherwise. But you're ignoring the reality which is that OP is way past that and has to take action to defend and hold the boundary, or, put herself in such position that the husband can't cross it any longer.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Not that i can’t give an answer, but it might help to know if you mean cheating, doing thing with you that you dont like, or something different

I think you are right that more information is needed. It does depend on the nature of the boundary, how clear you have made it, and what he has done to disregard it. There are some things that, saying no one time, and him disregarding it, is enough to warrant divorce and all of the careful preparations that OddLove recommends. If you have told him "no anal" and he goes ahead and sticks his dick in your ass, then you have to react as OL suggests.
On the other hand, if the boundary is "no cheating," then you have to decide whether this is something your can forgive or if the relationship is worth preserving to you. If you have told him that you don't want him to masturbate or watch porn, and he does it anyway, that certainly does not put you in danger.

A big question is whether he is invading your bodily integrity. That clearly warrants fast and extreme action if that is what he is doing.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Much better said!

Thank you.
There is good reason to be concerned that she may be in a dangerous situation, but we should not jump to conclusions.
I hope she chooses to share more information

 

[Curvyscotswoman]

How do I handle a husband who refuses to honor sexual boundaries?

Leave him, I know from personal experience it's not easy. Plan, save and work a way out