H.a.h.r.p.

[Wild_Honey_66]

Wrestling with the need to be needed.

Had a chat with a dear friend about this. It's funny how I can recognize that I'm still plugged into this pattern of behavior despite knowing that it's unhealthy.

Current attachment style:. Anxious.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

THANKFULLY, I scheduled a real live actual phone call for later tonight.

I'm confident that hearing a friend's voice will help me get through the next couple of hours until I can start thinking about bed.

 

[twister947]

THANKFULLY, I scheduled a real live actual phone call for later tonight.

I'm confident that hearing a friend's voice will help me get through the next couple of hours until I can start thinking about bed.

You can do this.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

You can do this.

Just got off a video call with Fara. Two middle aged women talking about mundane, everyday stuff. Jobs, kids, boyfriends, school dances and sweater hair.

It was fucking perfect.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

You are beautiful, Hiney! I adore you.

Same same.

And my ZIT!!!

AH HA HA!!!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I think my initial projected end date may have been a tad ambitious.

 

[Fazer600]

I'm glad I came across this. Adding my support to you, and resolving to take better care of myself too. I will work to enjoy life today, which will include cleaning clutter in my home and work. Cheers!

 

[Tallcajun]

There is a wonderful support group here in the cafe’ as evidenced by the good people above. As you know, these are folks that have walked the walk.

But know this: Have faith in yourself, Honey.. You are stronger than you know.

 

[twister947]

Try not to backslide, Dear. We hear every word...

https://youtu.be/CPGHU35L-Go

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thank you, everyone.

He's been gone two months now. Not a word from him. My boss, who knows and loves us both, asks me periodically how I'm doing, and I've always told her, 'I'm fine!' and I meant it. I was fine, if a little surprised at how quickly I was bouncing back.

About two weeks ago I realized that I was not, in fact, fine at all.

It occurred to me that I had attempted to go from loss to acceptance without moving through any of the stages of grief, if I could possibly help it. Noble effort, Honey! Nice try, but no cigar. I finally admitted to myself that I miss him like hell and I've been ping ponging around since then.

The first week after that was rough. I tried hard to focus on work, but my head wasn't in the game. It wasn't anywhere, really. My coworkers gave me a lot of grace while I was there, and I worked fewer hours than usual.

There have been some big lightbulb moments, admitting to myself difficult truths that I hadn't wanted to see, and wrestling matches between my head and my heart. Part of me is waiting for him to back, and wants him to come back. Part of me wants to believe that things can be different, that I can make them different. That I can make something that isn't a good fit, be a good fit. Because some of it is. Some, but not enough. And then part of me feels like a fool that I haven't completely disconnected from the situation and stopped investing energy into it altogether.

Honey! Have you learned nothing?!

Letting go is crazy hard. I know I need to, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

I do believe that he will circle back around and make contact again at some point. He's a turtler too, and I think that's what he's doing right now. Or maybe not! I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Either way, I must find my closure myself.

So it's back to my original list, but more slowly this time, with breaks here and there to do the unpleasant but necessary work of grieving.

 

[cookiecat]

I saw this a while back and saved it. Maybe it will resonate? Are you somewhere between sadness and healing?

The thing with grief - as you're finding out, is you have to feel the feels. It sucks. The nights are the worst.

You say you don't know anything. But you do. And that's the hard part. The reconciliation between what you know and coming to terms with it.

I've been an admirer of yours from afar for a long time, Honey.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thank you, everyone.

He's been gone two months now. Not a word from him. My boss, who knows and loves us both, asks me periodically how I'm doing, and I've always told her, 'I'm fine!' and I meant it. I was fine, if a little surprised at how quickly I was bouncing back.

About two weeks ago I realized that I was not, in fact, fine at all.

Reminds me of this recent thread. Chuck is wise: https://twitter.com/ChuckTingle/status/1494444556074434599

(LMK if anybody needs help with translating Chuck's idiom.)

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

This weekend has really sucked. . I'm telling myself that this is the part where things have to get worse before they can get better.

I'm reading all of your posts. Thank you. It does help.

 

[twister947]

Most of us have been there a time or two...it really does get better.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Lots has happened. Some good, some not so much. But I'm counting it all progress.

I'm currently washing two t-shirts that belong to him. I borrowed them before things went tits-up and I wore them around the house or slept in them, as women do. Today I am mailing them back to him. No sender's name, no return address. (Both more symbolic than anything, he knows my handwriting and my address, but I feel that leaving them off tells him - and me - that I'm not expecting a response.)

I recently had some difficult news about him, cried for a little, and then reminded myself that it's really none of my business anymore. He isn't my business anymore. I feel that was a really useful observation, and I'm glad I was able to see it, even if it stung.

I've been walking every day for a week now. Dragging my stiff body out of my warm bed and trudging around my hilly neighborhood for an hour before hauling myself up my front steps on wobbly legs and collapsing on my bed. It's hard work. Uncomfortable. Sometimes I don't like it and I don't want to do it. But even as I'm struggling to get up that first hill, I know it's good for me, and that in five weeks, I can look back and say HEY!! I'VE ESTABLISHED A NEW HABIT! And I know that I'll feel good about that.

It's all hard work. It all hurts sometimes. But I know that it's all helping me become someone who loves her life, and loves herself, and I am totally here for it.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Love it when a plan falls apart.

So I'm at the post office, filling out the address for the package I was shipping. First my pen has a hard time writing on the label and I have to go over one letter several times. Then I get up to the counter and they want me to write down a return address. Then the pen she gives me was black instead of the blue that I had used earlier.

So. Great. I had to put my address down and the label's a mess, just like me.

LeT tHaT sHiT gO

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Update: I'm good! Busy with life.

I can't believe it's been five months already. I've not heard from him at all, and although I have mixed feelings about that, I'm about 93% grateful. Lots of life changes - including a new job - were going on in March, and I think having a completely different daily routine than I had when I was seeing him has helped speed the healing. I met him at work, so every day I'd go in and see where we ate breakfast together each morning, or hear gossip about him from my coworkers, etc. It's been good to not be surrounded by those reminders anymore.

The further away I get, the clearer my perspective becomes. I'm glad I knew that would happen, it makes surviving those first weeks and months more bearable. I'm also glad he ended it rather than let things get ugly. They never were, we never fought or had any really difficult conversations. It's been a mixed blessing, having to put the pieces together on my own, but it's allowed me to have overwhelmingly good memories of my time with him. The downside of course is that I miss him more than I might have otherwise. But I don't miss the drama around him. So.

I've bounced back faster than I'd expected, and I feel good about that. It tells me that I'm in a healthier place than I'd realized, and also that maybe I wasn't as attached to him as I thought I was, although I felt quite invested at the time. Food for thought.

I recently got a car and am looking forward to doing things with my kids and my woman friends and with myself! that I haven't been able to do in the past. I'm excited about that. It feels good to be focusing on building a richer, peaceful life, and not spinning my wheels thinking about a man who's not a good fit.

 

[cookiecat]

Yay!

 

[cascadiabound]

cheering for you Honey. You got this girl.