Guilt and BDSM

[HawkEye38]

Just a thought...

When all of you were young and just starting to discover your BDSM
tendencies what did you feel?

Worry?
Sadness?
Joy?
Guilt?

If the feelings were negative... what did you do to deal with it?

How did you overcome it? If you have overcome it that is.

Questions, Concerns, Complaints, Comments, and Colloquialisms (If I spelled that right it's a miracle) are welcome and encouraged.

 

[jasonlf]

Mine was happiness, because I was just talking abuot how I started to get into it, and my girlfriend just about jumped me, because she felt the same way.

 

[tealsphynx]

How did I feel...
Negative: Scared at first. I discovered it through my husband's porn tendancies..esp. the story category he loves here on Lit. I was afraid of what I found. The I asked myself what was I so afraid of so I looked more and more and joined the boards.
then I found the positive:
Relief for one that I had figured out what part of me I was missing.
Then I started to actively play with my husband and found entertainment, I enjoyed what I found.
Then I gave in to my sadistic streak (though I still have a difficult time accepting this part of me, slowly I am learning to love it as I understand it better) and was Overjoyed at the relief I feel when I let this part of me show. I had some interesting issues as a child that I would really prefer not to go into. But when I discovered my love for clothes pins and the squeels of pain from my lover I realised that this part of me is what was giving me those feelings as a child.

Actually I suppose I found the S/M side of me before the B/D, D/s side when I read some (not all due to the semester ending and the Library not letting me keep the book longer than a day) of 120 Days of Sodom (I hope I spelled that right, I'm sure Marquis will let me know if he stumbles into this thread). At the time I was intruiged (again...spelling?) by it and disgusted with myself for it. The book made my mouth water with wanting to find out more and read more, but where I was in my life I couldn't have found more. I remember my beau at the time asking me "Why are you reading that garbage?" I had no answer, I didn't know why. The book flew off the shelf at me (quite literally I had walked down the isle it was shelved and it fell off the shelf, a sign I should read it) I couldn't put it down. The drive home killed me because I couldn't read it while I drove. More, I had to have more! Now it all makes sence. I found it on amazon.com...I'll be buying it after all the bills are paid...

Still young by the way...atleast by most standards..20 isn't old

 

[HawkEye38]

Would that be when we discovered the tendencies, or when we discovered that the tendencies were of BDSM nature?

That would be whichever one you feel is more relavent

 

[HawkEye38]

How did I feel...
Negative: Scared at first. I discovered it through my husband's porn tendancies..esp. the story category he loves here on Lit. I was afraid of what I found. The I asked myself what was I so afraid of so I looked more and more and joined the boards.

Damn you're strong, that would have scared the crap out of me if I had been
in your shoes. The fact that you were able to rationally explore the possibility that this might not be something completley evil is amazing.

 

[sphynx's dragon]

Hmmmm...I've always knwon. Due to some really screwed up circumstances as a child I was introduced to porn at a way too early age. So I realized early on that I had distinct leanings. But I alway had to sublimate it in order to have relationships. Only recently, by which I mean my most amazingly lucky meeting and wooing of my Lady, that I have been able to actually let my tendencies show. That was lucky in and of itself, as you all can tell from Her post on this thread. She is an amazing woman who is my Mistress, my lover, my wife, and my salvation.

 

[Quint]

Curiosity led me here and through. I've had very few preconceived ideas of sex and most of those seem to be "orgasms are automatic" related, so I never had any negativity to overcome with BDSM as theory or practice. It's been pretty pragmatic going, sorry to say. Find what you enjoy and do that.

 

[Marquis]

As for the S&M stuff, I definitely had to deal with major major feelings of guilt when I first walked down this road. I still do ocassionally, because my desires are often more abusive than I choose to expose my subs to.

For a long time I dealt with it by just assuming I was a bad guy and women were just gonna have to deal with it. I'm probably still rolling with that feeling to some degree. It's gotten better because I have a lot more self control than I used to and also I no longer hide my desires from those that I would bring close to me. Now even if a girl says "oh my gosh, you're a monster", she can't say I didn't warn her.

As for the D/s side, I don't deal with too much guilt over this. I feel extremely guilty when I've obviously lead subs the wrong way, and at those times I often question if I'm fit to be a Dom. For the most part I realize that I can't always be perfect however, as much as I might want to be. I try to put thought into my demands and I correct myself immediately if I think I am wrong.

 

[evesdream]

I was happy to fantasize and play things out with a friend of mine at a pretty young age, until I stumbled onto my mother's anti-rape library. Then I felt guilty as hell, and wasted my entire adolescence trying to make the fantasies go away. For a long time I refused to daydream about my boyfriends out of fear of tainting something precious and good.

A few years ago someone broke through all of that, there's been no turning back. I tend to act on my curiousity relatively easily now.

And my daydreams are a lot wider in scope now than they were before. Some of them still make me cry actual tears of dismay and shame and "ug, no no no", but acting some of them out is the sweetest thing.

so yeah
<---- sexual angst here.

 

[caela]

When all of you were young and just starting to discover your BDSM
tendencies what did you feel?

Good question...the first thing I felt when I realized what it was I was yearning after was complete terror. I was raised to be strong and independant and in control, how on earth could I want to give that up to someone else, and even want them to cause me pain?! It totally blew a gasket in my mind and I don't think I talked to anyone that I didn't absolutly have to for over a week.

Then I got curious. I started doing searches on goolge and yahoo and soaking up anything I could. It's been over a year and a half of reading, and a few months on the boards here, and I am just not ready to take my first tentative steps outside the computer and am going to much first munch tomorrow night.

I know myself better now, and in a more visceral way then I used to but there are still times it scares and awes me but mostly now when I think about it there is just a sense of calm and...rightness. It's simply a part of who I am.

 

[Marquis]

Good question...the first thing I felt when I realized what it was I was yearning after was complete terror. I was raised to be strong and independant and in control, how on earth could I want to give that up to someone else, and even want them to cause me pain?! It totally blew a gasket in my mind and I don't think I talked to anyone that I didn't absolutly have to for over a week.

Then I got curious. I started doing searches on goolge and yahoo and soaking up anything I could. It's been over a year and a half of reading, and a few months on the boards here, and I am just not ready to take my first tentative steps outside the computer and am going to much first munch tomorrow night.

I know myself better now, and in a more visceral way then I used to but there are still times it scares and awes me but mostly now when I think about it there is just a sense of calm and...rightness. It's simply a part of who I am.

Good luck with your munch.

 

[tealsphynx]

As for the S&M stuff, I definitely had to deal with major major feelings of guilt when I first walked down this road. I still do ocassionally, because my desires are often more abusive than I choose to expose my subs to.

For a long time I dealt with it by just assuming I was a bad guy and women were just gonna have to deal with it. I'm probably still rolling with that feeling to some degree. It's gotten better because I have a lot more self control than I used to and also I no longer hide my desires from those that I would bring close to me. Now even if a girl says "oh my gosh, you're a monster", she can't say I didn't warn her.

As for the D/s side, I don't deal with too much guilt over this. I feel extremely guilty when I've obviously lead subs the wrong way, and at those times I often question if I'm fit to be a Dom. For the most part I realize that I can't always be perfect however, as much as I might want to be. I try to put thought into my demands and I correct myself immediately if I think I am wrong.

*raises hand* admitting to more abusive than I'm willing to admit/act on. My self control limits are high unless I'm angry or irritated..then again I try not to do anything when I feel that way so I don't go overboard (especially if I have a paddle in my hands)I don't think I'd go as far as to say monster, but I have scared myself before, and continue to most recently.

By the way I still think that AV is adorable!

 

[Marquis]

*raises hand* admitting to more abusive than I'm willing to admit/act on. My self control limits are high unless I'm angry or irritated..then again I try not to do anything when I feel that way so I don't go overboard (especially if I have a paddle in my hands)I don't think I'd go as far as to say monster, but I have scared myself before, and continue to most recently.

Ditto.

By the way I still think that AV is adorable!

My fearsome lion!

He is meant to strike terror in the hearts of young subbies everywhere!

 

[tealsphynx]

Ditto.



My fearsome lion!

He is meant to strike terror in the hearts of young subbies everywhere!

Perhaps he is a lure...a cute little dancing lion to bring them to you and when they come, he strikes!

 

[caela]

Good luck with your munch.

Thanks Marquis. I'm nervous and excited without having a bunch of silly romantic expectations. Just looking forward to meeting other kinky folk.

 

[Marquis]

Perhaps he is a lure...a cute little dancing lion to bring them to you and when they come, he strikes!

Do you know what an angler fish is?

Many of my dirtiest fantasies revolve around luring unsuspecting women in and flipping on them. I spent sooooo long trying to play the nice guy card while stifling my dark desires.

 

[Marquis]

Thanks Marquis. I'm nervous and excited without having a bunch of silly romantic expectations. Just looking forward to meeting other kinky folk.

To be honest, I wouldn't be nervous or excited.

Could be your munch will be different.

 

[tealsphynx]

Do you know what an angler fish is?

Many of my dirtiest fantasies revolve around luring unsuspecting women in and flipping on them. I spent sooooo long trying to play the nice guy card while stifling my dark desires.

OOOOH THE PRETTY ONES THAT LOOK LIKE GLASS THAT LIVE IN THE DEAPEST DEPTHS OF THE SEA!!! *ahem* I mean, yes I believe I've heard of them, nasty pointy teeth and a pretty shiney bit at the end of a hangingmajig. hmm...I could see how you could do that.

 

[caela]

To be honest, I wouldn't be nervous or excited.

Could be your munch will be different.

lol, Well it's not really the munch that has me nervous and excited, just doing something new. I'd feel the same way about meeting any group of strangers, it just gives me those fun little nervous butterflies.

 

[TaintedB]

Ditto.



My fearsome lion!

He is meant to strike terror in the hearts of young subbies everywhere!

Especially ones from Norway.

 

[TaintedB]

I've always known what I was and had great fantasies and playtimes as a child, but when I hit my teens and saw how straight and boring the desires of the men or boys were who were around me, I despaired of "adult sex" ever being any good. I didn't know other people did the kinds of things I'd always wanted, took me years to figure that one out. Other than that, I had a pretty easy time of things, no particular conflicts because I'd lived with my personality all my life and it seemed natural and right despite what feminism said.

 

[HawkEye38]

Holy Crap

Man, this thread really took off.

I guess since I started it I should answer my own question, only seems fair.

When I was young, it was innocent enough. Playing cops and robbers and tieing each other up. Christ, it gave me a woody before I even knew what an erection was. Anyway, it was all well and good untill I found the internet. I was probabley 13 at the time, had just learned about sex in general and I went online and stumbled on BDSM. Up untill that point I had only known the bondage aspect of it, but the net exposed me to someting else entirely. And the disturbing thing (at the time) was I realy liked it.

Unfortunately I wasen't able to embrace all of this. In fact, it terrified me... every day I would wrestle with the fear that I was going to become a rapist, or a serial killer or any number of ludacris, terrible things because of what seemed to be etched into my psyche.

It wasen't until I was older, and I visited sites not unlike this one, that showed me there were in fact alot of sane, caring people who practice in BDSM. Thank God I did, at the rate I was going I was headed for serious depression and a host of other problems. Now it's a part of me that I can embrace and enjoy... and occaisionally give a good rough spanking

 

[Deadly Guardian]

My first real BDSM fantasy was spanking the girl I had a thing for at the time. She really needed the spanking too. But I had no idea of how to act on that I was only 15 I had enough problems in the world. Now, Hell yeah I would wear the little teases ass out in front of everyone.

 

[Marquis]

Yeah I used to think I would be a rapist too.

I still wonder if rapists are sadists gone awry, or if people who rape people are doing it for a very different reason.

 

[DVS]

At first, I felt lost. I didn't understand it. Then, a neighbor girl and I started messing around with it. I didn't feel lost any more, but we both were confused. But, with time, I became very happy. I'm stiill very happy about it.