Guidance for a wandering soul...?

[CheekyBoots]

I think I need help figuring some things out. Some experienced perspective would be incredibly welcome!

Ok, I’m 22 and not sexually active (haha, lame right? But it’s for moral reasons, not lack of offers... ) but I am VERY interested in BDSM. First of all, is that even possible, or am I fooling myself? Is it reasonable to be bored by a vanilla relationship, before I’ve been in one?

And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality. I’m always the one making sure people do things right, and have an uncanny ability to get my way. But the thought of dominating some poor submissive man in the bedroom (or wherever) sounds entirely unappealing. I don’t understand this internal contradiction.

What REALLY makes me hot is the thought of being tied and gagged and beaten and bossed around and completely ravaged. Yet because of my independent, powerful personality, I attract simpering little boys who, quite frankly, disgust me. And the “manly” men are not attracted to me because they’re intimidated. (Their words, not mine). Are there certain everyday personality traits that Doms (in general) would find intriguing? Are there ways I could spot Dom-types out in the wide world? Or am I a lost cause?

Sooo, I feel like I’m at an impasse. Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I don’t feel like I can sort this out on my own. Thank you, thank you!

 

[Essene]

I think I need help figuring some things out. Some experienced perspective would be incredibly welcome!

Ok, I’m 22 and not sexually active (haha, lame right? But it’s for moral reasons, not lack of offers... ) but I am VERY interested in BDSM. First of all, is that even possible, or am I fooling myself? Is it reasonable to be bored by a vanilla relationship, before I’ve been in one?

And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality. I’m always the one making sure people do things right, and have an uncanny ability to get my way. But the thought of dominating some poor submissive man in the bedroom (or wherever) sounds entirely unappealing. I don’t understand this internal contradiction.

What REALLY makes me hot is the thought of being tied and gagged and beaten and bossed around and completely ravaged. Yet because of my independent, powerful personality, I attract simpering little boys who, quite frankly, disgust me. And the “manly” men are not attracted to me because they’re intimidated. (Their words, not mine). Are there certain everyday personality traits that Doms (in general) would find intriguing? Are there ways I could spot Dom-types out in the wide world? Or am I a lost cause?

Sooo, I feel like I’m at an impasse. Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I don’t feel like I can sort this out on my own. Thank you, thank you!

Yeah. I've had the same issue, at least for my more submissive half. (I'm a switch) Our sexual personalities don't always coincide with our social personalities. There are lots of outspoken and verbal subs around here. -Nothing wrong with it. Pretty common.

Maybe just be more aware of how your behaviour is affecting interpersonal relationships? That way if you need to you can still be yourself but tone it down a tad. Communication is key though. Don't be shy to tell them what you're really about.*shrug* And the way I see it is, "real manly men" will flirt regardless. It just takes a strong one to deal with me, and possibly you as well.

I'll tell you off, I'll be a bitch, but I enjoy being grabbed and topped by someone far more difficult than I. If I can Top you I will, give me an inch, and I'll take a mile; but I get a thrill out of a man or woman asserting dominance over me as it's not easy to do.

Being that you're new to this you may even discover a taste for Topping. Just be open with folks and honest with yourself.

Good luck.

 

[CheekyBoots]

I'll tell you off, I'll be a bitch, but I enjoy being grabbed and topped by someone far more difficult than I. If I can Top you I will, give me an inch, and I'll take a mile; but I get a thrill out of a man or woman asserting dominance over me as it's not easy to do.

Haha, that is entirely me! So is there a place in all this for feisty subs? There's just something incredible about being crushed into submission, no matter how hard you struggle. Seems like a delightful challenge for both parties involved.

I feel like even in everyday life, I'm always throwin' down the gauntlet for people to outdo me; they occasionally try, but rarely succeed. It doesn't make me happy when I "win" arguments, verbal jousting, or whatever, because I'm dying for someone to put me in my place. I want to go all out, and still be "inferior." Hmm, I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore...

 

[YourCaptor]

I think I need help figuring some things out. Some experienced perspective would be incredibly welcome!

Ok, I’m 22 and not sexually active (haha, lame right? But it’s for moral reasons, not lack of offers... ) but I am VERY interested in BDSM. First of all, is that even possible, or am I fooling myself? Is it reasonable to be bored by a vanilla relationship, before I’ve been in one?

And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality. I’m always the one making sure people do things right, and have an uncanny ability to get my way. But the thought of dominating some poor submissive man in the bedroom (or wherever) sounds entirely unappealing. I don’t understand this internal contradiction.

What REALLY makes me hot is the thought of being tied and gagged and beaten and bossed around and completely ravaged. Yet because of my independent, powerful personality, I attract simpering little boys who, quite frankly, disgust me. And the “manly” men are not attracted to me because they’re intimidated. (Their words, not mine). Are there certain everyday personality traits that Doms (in general) would find intriguing? Are there ways I could spot Dom-types out in the wide world? Or am I a lost cause?

Sooo, I feel like I’m at an impasse. Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I don’t feel like I can sort this out on my own. Thank you, thank you!

First of all, *points at my age, now prays your located near me*

Hmm, well I have a pretty good subdar, my domdar I don’t really pay attention too. Hmm… my opinion on what makes a male dominant is different then what most Americans think, I didn’t grow up here.

But, if I had to say something, the calm one that everyone seems to respect.

Now tell us all your location,

 

[YourCaptor]

Haha, that is entirely me! So is there a place in all this for feisty subs? ...

Try the

Dom lessons in here! No subbies allowed.

thread, lots of sams in their.

 

[Netzach]

There's strong and then there's turning off everyone who could ever want to top you lest you get what you actually want.

I personally chose to turn off 99.9 percent of whoever wanted to top me, but kept a calm and open, non-fightin' spirit up my sleeve in a certain case or two.

In making it hard, don't make it impossible. As predominantly and overwhelmingly D/Top I have to say what most submissives think is challenge I think is crashing bore. What most submissives think isn't even really worth noticing is where I find challenge.

Have you ever won an argument with someone who's distinctly uninterested in having an argument with you? Someone who's more likely to say "how interesting, please tell me more." That's a one-up position if they are the right person playing that hand. You can't win with someone who isn't fighting, you just look silly.

 

[Essene]

Haha, that is entirely me! So is there a place in all this for feisty subs? There's just something incredible about being crushed into submission, no matter how hard you struggle. Seems like a delightful challenge for both parties involved.

I feel like even in everyday life, I'm always throwin' down the gauntlet for people to outdo me; they occasionally try, but rarely succeed. It doesn't make me happy when I "win" arguments, verbal jousting, or whatever, because I'm dying for someone to put me in my place. I want to go all out, and still be "inferior." Hmm, I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore...

Makes perfect sense to me. I mean how hawt is it to be wrestled to the ground held down and fucked? You've got the warm up which gets you all crazy and beastly and sweaty, and then the release of all of that stuff - which leaves you human again. Great stress relief.

And yeah, if you aren't as smart or smarter than me by at least an IQ point or two, I don't have the respect for you that I need to have in a Dominant.

Intelligence turns me on. *nod*

But yeah, I think it's fairly normal.

You just have to find a Dom that likes a good fight. One of my favorite movies and one of the hawtest IMO is "The Quiet Man". Fiesty redhead gets spanked. It's really hot!

It's always going to come back to matching kinks. Some Doms like women who automatically submit. I like to think there are others out there who like a smart woman who can give them a run for their money.

First of all, *points at my age, now prays your located near me*

Hmm, well I have a pretty good subdar, my domdar I don’t really pay attention too. Hmm… my opinion on what makes a male dominant is different then what most Americans think, I didn’t grow up here.

But, if I had to say something, the calm one that everyone seems to respect.

Now tell us all your location,

See? Now you have a stalker. LOL

Love ya YC!

 

[CheekyBoots]

First of all, *points at my age, now prays your located near me*

Hmm, well I have a pretty good subdar, my domdar I don’t really pay attention too. Hmm… my opinion on what makes a male dominant is different then what most Americans think, I didn’t grow up here.

But, if I had to say something, the calm one that everyone seems to respect.

Now tell us all your location,

Awww, *points to your invisible date of birth* But SoCal, huh? Right state, my friend.

Hmm, calm one that everyone respects. That makes a lot of sense. I like it! Ok, so what sets off your subdar, then? Because apparently I'm a stealth sub... and that's a bad thing in my book.

 

[Essene]

There's strong and then there's turning off everyone who could ever want to top you lest you get what you actually want.

I personally chose to turn off 99.9 percent of whoever wanted to top me, but kept a calm and open, non-fightin' spirit up my sleeve in a certain case or two.

In making it hard, don't make it impossible. As predominantly and overwhelmingly D/Top I have to say what most submissives think is challenge I think is crashing bore. What most submissives think isn't even really worth noticing is where I find challenge.

Have you ever won an argument with someone who's distinctly uninterested in having an argument with you? Someone who's more likely to say "how interesting, please tell me more." That's a one-up position if they are the right person playing that hand. You can't win with someone who isn't fighting, you just look silly.

Netz is brilliant. I always respect her advice. I most definitely agree with the bolded part.

 

[CheekyBoots]

And yeah, if you aren't as smart or smarter than me by at least an IQ point or two, I don't have the respect for you that I need to have in a Dominant.

Intelligence turns me on. *nod*

But yeah, I think it's fairly normal.

You just have to find a Dom that likes a good fight. One of my favorite movies and one of the hawtest IMO is "The Quiet Man". Fiesty redhead gets spanked. It's really hot!

It's always going to come back to matching kinks. Some Doms like women who automatically submit. I like to think there are others out there who like a smart woman who can give them a run for their money.

Hurray! That's really encouraging, a.) to know that I'm not alone in wanting a Man who 'deserves' my respect and submission, and b.) to have hope that such a Guy exists. Personal experience indicates that they're a rare breed!

I feel like in this day and age, it's detrimental (for chicks especially?) to be truly confident and sure of themselves. I've never felt like I needed a man to complete me; I'll be happy alone or in a relationship. In an entirely unconceited way, I feel like I have so much to offer, that anyone willing to work for me will be well rewarded. But because of this independence, I'm instantly labeled 'one of the guys,' even though I'm as far from a tomboy as you could get. Frustrating... on SO many levels!

 

[CheekyBoots]

There's strong and then there's turning off everyone who could ever want to top you lest you get what you actually want.

I personally chose to turn off 99.9 percent of whoever wanted to top me, but kept a calm and open, non-fightin' spirit up my sleeve in a certain case or two.

In making it hard, don't make it impossible. As predominantly and overwhelmingly D/Top I have to say what most submissives think is challenge I think is crashing bore. What most submissives think isn't even really worth noticing is where I find challenge.

Have you ever won an argument with someone who's distinctly uninterested in having an argument with you? Someone who's more likely to say "how interesting, please tell me more." That's a one-up position if they are the right person playing that hand. You can't win with someone who isn't fighting, you just look silly.

Hmmm, you make a lot of sense... Especially about making it impossible for myself. I think though, that I pick appropriate 'battles.' I'm not that loud and over-bearing bitch that everyone avoids because she's arrogant and argumentative. I am very quiet and reserved, and only challenge people when it seems we're playing the same game. But I definitely see what you are saying, and I'm gonna keep an eye on myself to make sure I don't become 'that' person. Thanks for the insight!!!

 

[Essene]

Hurray! That's really encouraging, a.) to know that I'm not alone in wanting a Man who 'deserves' my respect and submission, and b.) to have hope that such a Guy exists. Personal experience indicates that they're a rare breed!

I feel like in this day and age, it's detrimental (for chicks especially?) to be truly confident and sure of themselves. I've never felt like I needed a man to complete me; I'll be happy alone or in a relationship. In an entirely unconceited way, I feel like I have so much to offer, that anyone willing to work for me will be well rewarded. But because of this independence, I'm instantly labeled 'one of the guys,' even though I'm as far from a tomboy as you could get. Frustrating... on SO many levels!

They're not as rare as you may think.
Hang around here and you'll see a lot of independant women who are smart and cheeky.
I completely understand. Hang in there.

 

[YourCaptor]

Awww, *points to your invisible date of birth* But SoCal, huh? Right state, my friend.

Hmm, calm one that everyone respects. That makes a lot of sense. I like it! Ok, so what sets off your subdar, then? Because apparently I'm a stealth sub... and that's a bad thing in my book.

Allow me to direct you to the all about me post and away from Pantomime_Muse, it’s right next to the penis monster. Here’s a link My Introduction.

I really need to work on my first impressions.

Subdar, firstly the superficial which I think is what you are interested in, cuteness, the petite, embarrassing easily, smile when you make fun of them or in similar situations. I’m also big at seeing it in their eyes and movement, something most people think I am crazy for saying. Subs, fumbling with their fingertips, crossing arms even if only slightly. Eyes, its hard to describe, its like a light, but with a touch of amazement, I don’t know, you either see it or not. Eyes are also often upturned, even if at just the ceiling or sky.

Now for what actually makes a submissive you really got to get to know them, submission isn’t a type of person, it’s a personality trait.

Yup, and I am going to stop now because this really is all just superficial. May help you though, but I doubt you can fake it.

Just be yourself, in the end I think it all just comes down to the fact that plausible lovers don’t come a dime a dozen, they are rare, and that’s what makes them special. So don’t think you need to change to attract them, you just got to find them.

 

[BiBunny]

Hmmm, you make a lot of sense... Especially about making it impossible for myself. I think though, that I pick appropriate 'battles.' I'm not that loud and over-bearing bitch that everyone avoids because she's arrogant and argumentative. I am very quiet and reserved, and only challenge people when it seems we're playing the same game. But I definitely see what you are saying, and I'm gonna keep an eye on myself to make sure I don't become 'that' person. Thanks for the insight!!!

You and I could be twins, 'cept for the "not sexually active" part.

I'm 24, a bi poly switch. Been told pretty regularly that I'm intimidating in that quiet kind of way. I'm strong and independent and always have been. Like you, I don't think I need a man to "complete" me because I'm happy with myself in and out of a relationship. I've always gotten along better with men than women, which is good in some ways, but it sticks me right into that "one of the guys" category, too.

If this is really what you want to do, be ready to hear from a LOT of people that you're not "really" a sub. Those people are insecure fucks, and you don't want to listen to them, anyway. Be ready for a lot of moronic men to try to "tame" you. Keep your wits about you, trust your instincts, and have fun busting the idiots' balls.

But just know that when you find that person, that brilliant, wicked, dominant man who's always three steps ahead of you, no matter how hard you try, you're going to fall and fall hard. It's something akin to jumping off a 100-story building and actually living through the experience. Best of luck and welcome!

 

[Essene]

Allow me to direct you to the all about me post and away from Pantomime_Muse, it’s right next to the penis monster. Here’s a link My Introduction.

LOL Wha?

I love that it's next to "the penis monster". "Clean up in aisle 11 next to the penis monster"

Be ready for a lot of moronic men to try to "tame" you. Keep your wits about you, trust your instincts, and have fun busting the idiots' balls.

But just know that when you find that person, that brilliant, wicked, dominant man who's always three steps ahead of you, no matter how hard you try, you're going to fall and fall hard. It's something akin to jumping off a 100-story building and actually living through the experience.

Agreed.

 

[CheekyBoots]

Subdar, firstly the superficial which I think is what you are interested in, cuteness, the petite, embarrassing easily, smile when you make fun of them or in similar situations. I’m also big at seeing it in their eyes and movement, something most people think I am crazy for saying. Subs, fumbling with their fingertips, crossing arms even if only slightly. Eyes, its hard to describe, its like a light, but with a touch of amazement, I don’t know, you either see it or not. Eyes are also often upturned, even if at just the ceiling or sky.

Now for what actually makes a submissive you really got to get to know them, submission isn’t a type of person, it’s a personality trait.

Yup, and I am going to stop now because this really is all just superficial. May help you though, but I doubt you can fake it.

Just be yourself, in the end I think it all just comes down to the fact that plausible lovers don’t come a dime a dozen, they are rare, and that’s what makes them special. So don’t think you need to change to attract them, you just got to find them.

I seee... Ok, I would be SO invisible on your subdar, it's not even funny! It explains a lot, though, about my sister's excellent man-magnetism; her last bf (who I was entirely too interested in. Awkward... ) said the hottest thing about her was that she looked like a lost little puppy. I'm (tastefully) sarcastic to the core, and a lost puppy I am not. I suppose I can attempt adding a bit of the damsel-in-distress routine into my demeanor. Sounds like what you Doms are after Go figure!

Wow, and your last comment (bold) makes a LOT of sense. I think I get so focused on wanting to attract everyone, when in reality, the people who will mean anything will be those who like me for me. Hmm, looks like I have some pondering to do...

 

[sexycaz22]

I think I need help figuring some things out. Some experienced perspective would be incredibly welcome!

Hello and welcome to this secret corner of the Literotica, glad you found us!

Ok, I’m 22 and not sexually active (haha, lame right? But it’s for moral reasons, not lack of offers... ) but I am VERY interested in BDSM. First of all, is that even possible, or am I fooling myself? Is it reasonable to be bored by a vanilla relationship, before I’ve been in one?

Although I have been in one vanilla relationship when I was 16, I have never been in a serious relationship since then (11 years now!! ) but I do know what you mean, I feel bored by the thought of going into a vanilla relationship with someone......*shrugs* So, no, you are not the only one! *laughs*

And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality. I’m always the one making sure people do things right, and have an uncanny ability to get my way. But the thought of dominating some poor submissive man in the bedroom (or wherever) sounds entirely unappealing. I don’t understand this internal contradiction.

*nods* I know how you feel about having needs/wants being at odds - but for different reasons from yours. I am a switch, and until recently, I always thought that I was a submissive...suddenly I had Topping fantasies coming out, and found being a Top appealed to me as well as being a bottom. My needs/wants seemed to be really different in each role; and after weeks of struggling within myself, and going through a rough & depressing time, I came to realise what I really wanted from each role, and now is much happier and more confident in who I am!

What REALLY makes me hot is the thought of being tied and gagged and beaten and bossed around and completely ravaged.

*fans self* I love the thought of being taken by a Top/Dom in the bedroom and being spanked or flogged!

Yet because of my independent, powerful personality, I attract simpering little boys who, quite frankly, disgust me. And the “manly” men are not attracted to me because they’re intimidated. (Their words, not mine). Are there certain everyday personality traits that Doms (in general) would find intriguing? Are there ways I could spot Dom-types out in the wide world? Or am I a lost cause?

I am very independent now, and knows what I want, and goes for it. I used to be a shy and quiet girl, who used to follow the crowds.....but ever since, I was introduced to the BDSM, I noticed myself coming out of the shell, and begun to realise the true me, and I become more independent and more confident now. *as for the guys who attract me, I really don't notice! lol*

Sooo, I feel like I’m at an impasse. Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I don’t feel like I can sort this out on my own. Thank you, thank you!

Hope everyone have helped you with the shedding some light on your situation.

 

[Essene]

I seee... Ok, I would be SO invisible on your subdar, it's not even funny! It explains a lot, though, about my sister's excellent man-magnetism; her last bf (who I was entirely too interested in. Awkward... ) said the hottest thing about her was that she looked like a lost little puppy. I'm (tastefully) sarcastic to the core, and a lost puppy I am not. I suppose I can attempt adding a bit of the damsel-in-distress routine into my demeanor. Sounds like what you Doms are after Go figure!

Wow, and your last comment (bold) makes a LOT of sense. I think I get so focused on wanting to attract everyone, when in reality, the people who will mean anything will be those who like me for me. Hmm, looks like I have some pondering to do...

Hmm well...

I can be very closed off, but there has been a time or two when I've come across the brilliant quiet Dom types. You can't see it in me normally, but I tend to lose my cool around this intense sort. I do get fumbly and wide eyed, although it's definitely not often, but oh my my my...

It's a rare type of human being I long for. Once you come across one, you'll know it. Like gasping for air when he looks at you. Whew. Few people can throw me off my game.

 

[YourCaptor]

I seee... Ok, I would be SO invisible on your subdar, it's not even funny! It explains a lot, though, about my sister's excellent man-magnetism; her last bf (who I was entirely too interested in. Awkward... ) said the hottest thing about her was that she looked like a lost little puppy. I'm (tastefully) sarcastic to the core, and a lost puppy I am not. I suppose I can attempt adding a bit of the damsel-in-distress routine into my demeanor. Sounds like what you Doms are after Go figure!

Wow, and your last comment (bold) makes a LOT of sense. I think I get so focused on wanting to attract everyone, when in reality, the people who will mean anything will be those who like me for me. Hmm, looks like I have some pondering to do...

I would suggest you have a chat with DB (deservingbitch) I am sure if anyone can help you figure out and actualize your role/appearance, it is her. Oh wait no, shit shes gonna steal you from me.

Well, none the less I think it would help you.

 

[CheekyBoots]

I would suggest you have a chat with DB (deservingbitch) I am sure if anyone can help you figure out and actualize your role/appearance, it is her. Oh wait no, shit shes gonna steal you from me.

Well, none the less I think it would help you.

Oh, I'm yours now??? I see how it is... Hehe, no worries; I'm a purest when it comes to my hetero-ness. No dabbling here!

And ok, side note: I saw that your profile mentioned stockholm syndrome, which I'd never heard of. So I looked it up. Good LORD, that is COMPLETELY what I'm all about! I didn't know it had a name! A syndrome, no less! Jeeze, just reading the definition got me excited. So thank you for adding a very important term to my vocabulary. I'm a happy camper!

 

[_kiana_]

First of all, is that even possible, or am I fooling myself? Is it reasonable to be bored by a vanilla relationship, before I’ve been in one?

Certainly possible. I discovered BDSM on the net at about 16 and knew it was for me. I'm not interested in a vanilla relationship and never was. I've ended up in one (that didn't start that way) and am rather unfulfilled.

It's just knowing yourself well. If BDSM interests you that much, that you simply know you wouldn't be happy with out it, that's fine. I'd say don't waste time looking at vanilla if you feel strongly enough that it's not for you.

And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality. I’m always the one making sure people do things right, and have an uncanny ability to get my way. But the thought of dominating some poor submissive man in the bedroom (or wherever) sounds entirely unappealing. I don’t understand this internal contradiction.

There are submissives who simply are that in personality, and those like you, who want to be 'conquered' as I put it. Neither one is wrong, it's just who you are. And there are plenty who are like you. (Not naming names! But lots here on Lit are )

Good luck in figuring yourself out

~kiana

 

[YourCaptor]

And ok, side note: I saw that your profile mentioned stockholm syndrome, which I'd never heard of. So I looked it up. Good LORD, that is COMPLETELY what I'm all about! I didn't know it had a name! A syndrome, no less! Jeeze, just reading the definition got me excited. So thank you for adding a very important term to my vocabulary. I'm a happy camper!

I got a lot more fancy words you know, however, those you will have to work for.

Oh, I'm yours now??? I see how it is... Hehe, no worries; I'm a purest when it comes to my hetero-ness. No dabbling here!

When you meet DB, I will hold you to this. No backing out now, web contracts are legally binding in the state of California.

 

[YourCaptor]

Certainly possible. I discovered BDSM on the net at about 16 and knew it was for me. I'm not interested in a vanilla relationship and never was. I've ended up in one (that didn't start that way) and am rather unfulfilled.

It's just knowing yourself well. If BDSM interests you that much, that you simply know you wouldn't be happy with out it, that's fine. I'd say don't waste time looking at vanilla if you feel strongly enough that it's not for you.



There are submissives who simply are that in personality, and those like you, who want to be 'conquered' as I put it. Neither one is wrong, it's just who you are. And there are plenty who are like you. (Not naming names! But lots here on Lit are )

Good luck in figuring yourself out

~kiana

That wasn't silly at all, rather insightful really. Now keep it up, and the day somebody criticizes your thoughts, don't worry about it, its ok, people believe different things.

I'm glad you are back.

 

[madetotakeit]

Wow, there are so many great posts in this thread already. Prepare for the multi-quotes...

...And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality...

What REALLY makes me hot is the thought of being tied and gagged and beaten and bossed around and completely ravaged. Yet because of my independent, powerful personality, I attract simpering little boys who, quite frankly, disgust me. And the “manly” men are not attracted to me because they’re intimidated. (Their words, not mine). Are there certain everyday personality traits that Doms (in general) would find intriguing? Are there ways I could spot Dom-types out in the wide world? Or am I a lost cause?

You are be no means alone in your wants contradicting your everyday identity. Once you get some experience and do some research (in Lit you have stumbled onto a wealth of input and understanding, articulate people) it will seem less confusing. I look at is a balance. The Yin to go with the Yang. Every Dom is going to find different traits appealing. There is no formula and if you think you have it figured out, you don't. Spotting Doms, very similar to the alpha-male types but with a quiet confidence.From experience and talking to several I would say they are the ones least likely to feel the need to draw attention to themselves.

Haha, that is entirely me! So is there a place in all this for feisty subs? There's just something incredible about being crushed into submission, no matter how hard you struggle. Seems like a delightful challenge for both parties involved.

I feel like even in everyday life, I'm always throwin' down the gauntlet for people to outdo me; they occasionally try, but rarely succeed. It doesn't make me happy when I "win" arguments, verbal jousting, or whatever, because I'm dying for someone to put me in my place. I want to go all out, and still be "inferior." Hmm, I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore...

This makes perfect sense to me. I'm pretty high up on the food chain when it comes to final word at work. I'm used to being right and people following my orders. That's my everyday life. It falls over into my friendships as well. It's an interesting mix when all of my friends are together. I prefer the company of similar people which leads to some great friendly verbal sparring (just don't ask any of us where to go for dinner. )

My work and my friends both value those qualities in me. For someone to dominate me, he has to see those as well as the fact that underneath there is some vulnerabilities. If he doesn't prove that he can see all sides of me then he's only going to find what he looks for. I need somebody that thrills at a challenge as much as I do. As you put it, I want to be crushed into submission, otherwise it's just play and exploration (which doe have its good points at times.) I wouldn't say I want to be "inferior" so much as I want somebody to say, "Yes, I see all of the things that the others see, but that only adds to the pleasure of dominating." Someone who puts value on those things but at the same time can prove that they just don't matter in determining who is going to win.

Makes perfect sense to me. I mean how hawt is it to be wrestled to the ground held down and fucked? You've got the warm up which gets you all crazy and beastly and sweaty, and then the release of all of that stuff - which leaves you human again. Great stress relief.

Oh definitely, just what you said!

And yeah, if you aren't as smart or smarter than me by at least an IQ point or two, I don't have the respect for you that I need to have in a Dominant.

Intelligence turns me on. *nod*

If a man can't keep up with me no matter where a conversation wanders then he is not going to be able to dominate me. Intelligence makes me respect someone. I have to feel that respect before I can submit.

But yeah, I think it's fairly normal.

You just have to find a Dom that likes a good fight...

It's always going to come back to matching kinks. Some Doms like women who automatically submit. I like to think there are others out there who like a smart woman who can give them a run for their money.

It may be fairly normal or not...I've never considered myself too normal anyway. I hope there are those out there who value intelligence in woman. Let me clarify that I hope there are some that I connect with anyway. This board is filled with just that type of Doms. I will never be compatible with someone who is looking for the insecure, damsel in distress, quickly submissive type. I've fought many battles to be standing where I am today and that strength is something I am very proud of and viciously protective of. To each their own. It's all a matter of finding the personality that connects with your own. Ironically, the person who earned the most of my submissive side isn't even into BDSM.

Hurray! That's really encouraging, a.) to know that I'm not alone in wanting a Man who 'deserves' my respect and submission, and b.) to have hope that such a Guy exists. Personal experience indicates that they're a rare breed!

I feel like in this day and age, it's detrimental (for chicks especially?) to be truly confident and sure of themselves. I've never felt like I needed a man to complete me; I'll be happy alone or in a relationship. In an entirely unconceited way, I feel like I have so much to offer, that anyone willing to work for me will be well rewarded. But because of this independence, I'm instantly labeled 'one of the guys,' even though I'm as far from a tomboy as you could get. Frustrating... on SO many levels!

Are you sharing my life?

My respect and submission have to be earned. It's not given out all at once. It's a process. As the trust and respect increase, I'm going to allow access to more of the hidden me.

As for the rest of the above post. I'm in the same boat. Although instead of being labeled as one of the guys, I hear I'm too appreciated for all of the things I consider benefits to what I can bring to a relationship as the reasons I'm not considered. If I only had a nickel that I invested every time I've heard that one...It goes back to someone seeing beyond what everyone else is shown as well.

Subdar, firstly the superficial which I think is what you are interested in, cuteness, the petite, embarrassing easily, smile when you make fun of them or in similar situations. I’m also big at seeing it in their eyes and movement, something most people think I am crazy for saying. Subs, fumbling with their fingertips, crossing arms even if only slightly. Eyes, its hard to describe, its like a light, but with a touch of amazement, I don’t know, you either see it or not. Eyes are also often upturned, even if at just the ceiling or sky.

Just be yourself, in the end I think it all just comes down to the fact that plausible lovers don’t come a dime a dozen, they are rare, and that’s what makes them special. So don’t think you need to change to attract them, you just got to find them.

There are little unconscious signals. When I first met with someone I found myself hooking my thumbs into my pockets. I wasn't even aware of it until he made me remove them. It took me off balance a little bit. I've never had the nervous tick before. It was simply reaction to his presence and realizing that this was someone that I could be submissive to.

If this is really what you want to do, be ready to hear from a LOT of people that you're not "really" a sub. Those people are insecure fucks, and you don't want to listen to them, anyway. Be ready for a lot of moronic men to try to "tame" you. Keep your wits about you, trust your instincts, and have fun busting the idiots' balls.

Yeah, that definitely gets thrown around on other sites or in IM's. The search definitely has its trying times. When somebody throws that out, I take great pleasure in letting the everyday me out to handle the situation. Just because I have a submissive side doesn't mean I'm going to be submissive to just anyone, and I'll point that out very directly.

But just know that when you find that person, that brilliant, wicked, dominant man who's always three steps ahead of you, no matter how hard you try, you're going to fall and fall hard. It's something akin to jumping off a 100-story building and actually living through the experience. Best of luck and welcome!

Yep, definitely expect sub-frenzy to set in. (Look it up in the library or maybe someone will be nice enough to post a link. Required reading!) The first is like your first lover. Choose wisely and you'll find all of it's a great addition to your life. For me personally, several things were sped up because of the dynamic. It can be a very confusing time, but that's where good communication comes into play. With good communication I can see where it can be extremely bonding. If the communication needs some improvement there will still be bonding, it will just be tempered with a feeling of distance.

I can be very closed off, but there has been a time or two when I've come across the brilliant quiet Dom types. You can't see it in me normally, but I tend to lose my cool around this intense sort. I do get fumbly and wide eyed, although it's definitely not often, but oh my my my...

It's a rare type of human being I long for. Once you come across one, you'll know it. Like gasping for air when he looks at you. Whew. Few people can throw me off my game.

I can be closed off too. It's a self-preservation thing and I have valid reasons for being that way. I do hand out the key to unlocking me early on though. If he's observant he'll catch it and bypass a lot of steps. If not, he can eventually get there it just won't be as easy. Coming across one of the rare ones will definitely leave a lasting impression.

There are submissives who simply are that in personality, and those like you, who want to be 'conquered' as I put it. Neither one is wrong, it's just who you are. And there are plenty who are like you. (Not naming names! But lots here on Lit are )

Proudly raises hand as one of those in the "conquered" category. I want to be shown that I'm worth the effort. I'm certainly going to show him he's worth the prize once he wins it.

Try the Dom lessons in here! No subbies allowed.

thread, lots of sams in their.

Why Captor, are you saying that gracie, kitten, or I might at some point fall into the sammy category?

 

[FurryFury]

I'm typically pretty forceful and outgoing in a social situation. It's a screen for what I really am inside, painfully shy. I feel a need to entertain people, put them at ease and make them happy so I often take charge if no one else does. I've yet to meet a Dom/me who seemed all that forceful in real life social situations.

However, I am not a "you've got to make me" kind of sub. I want to submit. I have no trouble doing so, for the one I respect and give power over me.

Now my husband is more that "prove you can Dom me" sort. I find it tiring and irritating but I understand from talking at demos and play parties that many Dom/me find that more fun and challenging.

Around here you won't find many subs who seem shy and meek. That is perhaps what one might expect from stories or it might seem intuitive but as far as I can tell that's actually pretty rare. I would hope that most Dom/mes enjoy a strong sub individual who enjoys submitting to them.