*growls*

[Trombonus]

Do you expect a yes or no answer to that?

Truth is, this is a common problem among modern males. You may not know this, but there is a support group here on Lit for them. Bel, Slyc and Rob all belong to it and are making progress. Most scientists agree that it starts sometime in youth, when men's testosterone levels are high, and there is a terrible fear that answering a yes/no question directly will lead to them not getting laid (questions like "Does this dress make me look fat" and being punished for the answer is what eventually leads to panic mode when asked yes/no questions, and sends men into a spiraling anxiety attack where neither word can be uttered). It's terribly sad.

This fear is compounded by society's admiration of "strong, silent" males, who don't say anything at all. Hence, we end up, tragically, with...Ambiguoua-Masculinatus. An unreasoning fear in men of the word "yes" or "no."

It's lucky that the words that need to be spoken at the altar are "I do" rather than "Yes," else none of these men would be capable of marriage...

Try to be understanding.

wow. Are you sure we haven't met in real life?

This happened to me, and I cannot make decisions because of it. Also I've learned not to give definitive answers ever. My ex broke up with me a lot over simple things, and so I ended up not saying or doing anything for fear of yet another break up.

 

[3113]

wow. Are you sure we haven't met in real life?

This happened to me, and I cannot make decisions because of it. Also I've learned not to give definitive answers ever. My ex broke up with me a lot over simple things, and so I ended up not saying or doing anything for fear of yet another break up.

Hug!

Bel? Rob? Slyc? Is there room in the group for Trom?

Dude, it gets better as you get older. The guy learns that the correct male response to almost anything is "Yes, dear," and the woman learns either not to ask (just tell the guy what to do--"we're going to the beach"--hence the "yes, dear") or to hint far more broadly at the answer she wants

Seriously, there are wackos of any gender/sexual orientation who will undermine their partner's confidence and ability to make decisions--don't let it cripple you for future relationships.

 

[Guest]

The guy learns that the correct male response to almost anything is "Yes, dear," and the woman learns either not to ask (just tell the guy what to do--"we're going to the beach"--hence the "yes, dear") or to hint far more broadly at the answer she wants

LONDON (Reuters) - A British couple who hold the world record for the longest marriage

...

Percy and Florence Arrowsmith married on June 1, 1925 and will celebrate their 80th anniversary Wednesday.

The Guinness World Records said Tuesday the couple held the title for the longest marriage and also for the oldest married couple's aggregate age.

...

Percy, 105, said his secret to marital bliss was just two words: "yes dear."

​

I think often "I don't know" means "I don't know how to tell you I don't want to."

 

[rgraham666]

Hug!

Bel? Rob? Slyc? Is there room in the group for Trom?

Dude, it gets better as you get older. The guy learns that the correct male response to almost anything is "Yes, dear," and the woman learns either not to ask (just tell the guy what to do--"we're going to the beach"--hence the "yes, dear") or to hint far more broadly at the answer she wants

Seriously, there are wackos of any gender/sexual orientation who will undermine their partner's confidence and ability to make decisions--don't let it cripple you for future relationships.

The problem with 'Yes dear' is that it can become a wrong answer as well. Women often get tired of hearing it and would like the guy to show a little backbone.

And when he does they get pissed at him for that.

But men lay similar traps.

I think that the biggest problem, the one that leads to all these problems is that many relationships devolve to a power struggle and an ego support. Often without either party being aware of it. This makes it difficult for a relationship to work since the contradiction between its apparent purpose, "We want to be happy", and its real purpose, "One of us going to rule this relationship, and it's not going to be you", creates a tension that can't help but poison the atmosphere.

My $0.02.

 

[Guest]

Do you expect a yes or no answer to that?

Truth is, this is a common problem among modern males. You may not know this, but there is a support group here on Lit for them. Bel, Slyc and Rob all belong to it and are making progress. Most scientists agree that it starts sometime in youth, when men's testosterone levels are high, and there is a terrible fear that answering a yes/no question directly will lead to them not getting laid (questions like "Does this dress make me look fat" and being punished for the answer is what eventually leads to panic mode when asked yes/no questions, and sends men into a spiraling anxiety attack where neither word can be uttered). It's terribly sad.

This fear is compounded by society's admiration of "strong, silent" males, who don't say anything at all. Hence, we end up, tragically, with...Ambiguoua-Masculinatus. An unreasoning fear in men of the word "yes" or "no."

It's lucky that the words that need to be spoken at the altar are "I do" rather than "Yes," else none of these men would be capable of marriage...

Try to be understanding.

I have tried to be understanding. I have tried to the point of actually nodding and going okay and taking off and just barely getting away far enough so that when the tears start sliding down my face I don't look like an asshole in front of him. Its taking more and more effort lately to get away before I fall apart.

Oh and I tried the "we are going to the beach get your stuff, he just sorta laughed at me.

Yowtch.

I don't know many people -- male or female -- who could answer such a question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.'

Could you?

Yeah, I could answer that question because I can be truthful about what I am feeling and thinking at the point. I believe if I am honest and upfront NOW then it saves everyone from getting hurt on the other end so yes if we are dating then I say that but if its just great to fuck then I say that as well.

I love blunt answers. I think it's one of the things that has kept me celibate over the last twelve years.

The non blunt answers tend to get people hurt in the long run so much worse then simpy because straight at the beginning.

It might not be the question...
it might be the person you're asking.

Unfortunately and unhappily I have thought about this too....

Ah. The vague non-committal. It has a number of possible root causes:

1) He really has no idea what he wants to do and he's not terribly excited about any of the options. For this reason, he can't summon the energy to make up his mind.

2) He has something else he wants to do, but doesn't want to give you a flat "no" in case the other plans fall through and he needs something to occupy his time.

3) He doesn't want to, but is hesitant to say "no" because he's concerned that he will hurt your feelings. He'd rather stall than flatly deny.

4) He's not terribly excited about the idea, but does enjoy keeping you on the hook to validate his own sense of what a sexy stud he is.

5) He's at work, having another conversation on IM, or is otherwise too distracted to give your question proper attention.

6) He's doing or contemplating doing something this weekend that he does not care to discuss, and is being vague on that account.

At any rate, yes, he's being unhelpful. Happily, the same remedy works for pretty much all of the above. Ask him cheerfully if he'd like to go, respond to anything other than an absolutely clear "yes!" with "OK! Have fun!" and then go about the business of having fun without him. You should also - and this is most important - make absolutely no accomodation for him should he later decide that he would like to join you after all. "Oh, I'm so sorry - I'm just out the door! Maybe next time!" is a good line to remember; "Oh, thanks! But <insert male name> is coming, and we're just heading out" is another. Your goal, for his sake and for yours, is to have a bright, cheerful, lovely time without him.

This will teach you that you don't have to hang on his decision, and it will teach him that if he wants a shot at a fun and delightful time with an exciting person like you, he'd better leap at the chance when it's presented. Personally, I'd much rather enjoy myself alone than drag along some sullen lump who can't summon an ounce of enthusiasm anyway.

Shanglan

Let's see... what you said in part goes with what another woman that hangs out with everyone said "When I first starting seeing S____ someone said to me make yourself less available to him and and he will be more available to you". I think its great advice... I just havent quite got the hang of it yet. I mean... that is the thing right there isnt it... and a big part of that is having the self esteem and self confidence to be able to get up and walk out... knowing full well that it might be permanent but knowing that you HAVE TO anyway. I apparently am missing both of those items.

Hug!

Bel? Rob? Slyc? Is there room in the group for Trom?

Dude, it gets better as you get older. The guy learns that the correct male response to almost anything is "Yes, dear," and the woman learns either not to ask (just tell the guy what to do--"we're going to the beach"--hence the "yes, dear") or to hint far more broadly at the answer she wants

Seriously, there are wackos of any gender/sexual orientation who will undermine their partner's confidence and ability to make decisions--don't let it cripple you for future relationships.

I don't want a yes dear if its not sincere....
I really don't, it would actually hurt my heart more.

LONDON (Reuters) - A British couple who hold the world record for the longest marriage

...

Percy and Florence Arrowsmith married on June 1, 1925 and will celebrate their 80th anniversary Wednesday.

The Guinness World Records said Tuesday the couple held the title for the longest marriage and also for the oldest married couple's aggregate age.

...

Percy, 105, said his secret to marital bliss was just two words: "yes dear."

​

I think often "I don't know" means "I don't know how to tell you I don't want to."

On the last piece... I think you are correct.. its code for I don't know how to tell you no without hurting you.

The problem with 'Yes dear' is that it can become a wrong answer as well. Women often get tired of hearing it and would like the guy to show a little backbone.

And when he does they get pissed at him for that.

But men lay similar traps.

I think that the biggest problem, the one that leads to all these problems is that many relationships devolve to a power struggle and an ego support. Often without either party being aware of it. This makes it difficult for a relationship to work since the contradiction between its apparent purpose, "We want to be happy", and its real purpose, "One of us going to rule this relationship, and it's not going to be you", creates a tension that can't help but poison the atmosphere.

My $0.02.

Ya know... this is going to get me into trouble quick but here goes.

I WANT A MAN TO BE A MAN... I WANT HIM STRONG AND I WANT HIM TO USE HIS BACKBONE.... I AM A WOMAN, A FEMALE... YES I AM STRONG AND CAN STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET BUT DAMMIT I WANT HIM TO BE STRONGER... I AM NOT SAYING DEVOID OF EMOTION OR FEELING OR LACKING THE ABILITY TO LAUGH/CRY/BE SILLY.... I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT I WILL NOT GET ANGRY AT HIM FOR BEING A MAN.

I don't want to 'win everytime'... hell I don't want him to win everytime.
But I don't want to feel like I am making all of the decisions because he is worried about hurting me by telling me no.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I have tried to be understanding. I have tried to the point of actually nodding and going okay and taking off and just barely getting away far enough so that when the tears start sliding down my face I don't look like an asshole in front of him. Its taking more and more effort lately to get away before I fall apart.

Oh and I tried the "we are going to the beach get your stuff, he just sorta laughed at me.

Ah Lizzy... life is so short... it's too fucking short to feel this way. It can be better... you don't have to hurt. *big hugs* Lizzy

 

[jomar]

Do you expect a yes or no answer to that?

Truth is, this is a common problem among modern males. You may not know this, but there is a support group here on Lit for them. Bel, Slyc and Rob all belong to it and are making progress. Most scientists agree that it starts sometime in youth, when men's testosterone levels are high, and there is a terrible fear that answering a yes/no question directly will lead to them not getting laid (questions like "Does this dress make me look fat" and being punished for the answer is what eventually leads to panic mode when asked yes/no questions, and sends men into a spiraling anxiety attack where neither word can be uttered). It's terribly sad.

This fear is compounded by society's admiration of "strong, silent" males, who don't say anything at all. Hence, we end up, tragically, with...Ambiguoua-Masculinatus. An unreasoning fear in men of the word "yes" or "no."

It's lucky that the words that need to be spoken at the altar are "I do" rather than "Yes," else none of these men would be capable of marriage...

Try to be understanding.

We don't ask for directions either.

 

[Guest]

Ah Lizzy... life is so short... it's too fucking short to feel this way. It can be better... you don't have to hurt. *big hugs* Lizzy

My sister says that I need to get my groove back... how the heck do I do that... when I don't even know what THAT is.

I am trying... really hard to get up the... whatever to walk away. I am not testing him, I know that if I go he won't come after me and I think that hurts worse.

 

[carsonshepherd]

My sister says that I need to get my groove back... how the heck do I do that... when I don't even know what THAT is.

I am trying... really hard to get up the... whatever to walk away. I am not testing him, I know that if I go he won't come after me and I think that hurts worse.

The moment you walk out, you will get THAT back.
Your life, your courage. The self that you've lost because he makes you cry.

 

[Guest]

Now taking petitions....

.... since I obviously don't have a clue what to do with my heart I was wondering if someone would mind taking it for me and just not giving it back so for oh I don't know 6 months or so because the pieces are tiny and need time to heal up some

 

[carsonshepherd]

.... since I obviously don't have a clue what to do with my heart I was wondering if someone would mind taking it for me and just not giving it back so for oh I don't know 6 months or so because the pieces are tiny and need time to heal up some

You can do that on your own. You can learn to never settle for less than what you deserve. I swear you can.

 

[3113]

Listen to Carson, he's been there.

And if the guy is laughing at you, then it's time to leave. These are passive-aggressive games he's playing, and they're coorisive to you, and he clearly doesn't care about that. Which makes him unworthy of your devotion, caring, love or anything else.

You want a strong man, they're out there. But this guy isn't one of them. And he's not going to be.

And yes, it's going to hurt to walk away, like hell and for a while. But it's better to let your heart break than to stay with this asshole and let him desolve it with drop by drop of acid till there's nothing left.

 

[Trombonus]

Hug!

Bel? Rob? Slyc? Is there room in the group for Trom?

Dude, it gets better as you get older. The guy learns that the correct male response to almost anything is "Yes, dear," and the woman learns either not to ask (just tell the guy what to do--"we're going to the beach"--hence the "yes, dear") or to hint far more broadly at the answer she wants

Seriously, there are wackos of any gender/sexual orientation who will undermine their partner's confidence and ability to make decisions--don't let it cripple you for future relationships.

Well, let's hope I can get over this. Both my exes kinda conditioned me into some bad habits. Magica wont though.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Yep, I've been there, and for awhile after I was alone. I needed to figure out what it was inside me that made me feel like I didn't deserve better. I changed my thoughts and I changed my actions and started dealing with my own emotions instead of hiding from them. My heart healed.

You might think there are no good men out there but they are out there. When I learned to love myself again, I happened to meet a man who could love me the way I am. Yeah, we make each other angry and we make each other cry sometimes, but most importantly we're commited and we talk about things openly. It's a whole new kind of relationship for both of us and it's pretty amazing. It never would have been possible if I hadn't decided that I was never again going to settle for someone less than what I deserve.

 

[Remec]

guys am I asking too much by wanting a yes or no?

maybe *ducking*

*giggle*

 

[SeaCat]

Hmmm, strangely enough it seems as though I am the only person here who understands that this is prevelant among both genders.

Unfortunately for many, including myself at times I do not have the ability to answer a yes or no question with anything other than a yes or no. (This really steams some people.)

My wife thankfully is used to and appreciates this. (She also has the same disease.)

Cat

 

[Guest]

Hmmm, strangely enough it seems as though I am the only person here who understands that this is prevelant among both genders.

Unfortunately for many, including myself at times I do not have the ability to answer a yes or no question with anything other than a yes or no. (This really steams some people.)

My wife thankfully is used to and appreciates this. (She also has the same disease.)

Cat

If its a yes or no question then that is how I answer.... how in the world could I not.

 

[kendo1]

If its a yes or no question then that is how I answer.... how in the world could I not.

So if you were in my shoes, you would answer my wife when she asks,
'Does my ass look big in this?' with what?

I love the answer, 'Your ass looks big in everything.' but to keep the peace should one prevaricate?

Personally, I do answer honestly. I might say that something does not suit her.
But, we have a relationship where straight talking does not get us into trouble.
I find the answer, 'Yes, dear.' can get you out of sticky situations, especially when she knows why I'm using it.

To get back to your original questions, if my wife asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, I would answer 'yes' because it was what she wanted to do. Time together is precious, as we're only on this world for a short time. Time alone together is even more precious in a relationship.

 

[SeaCat]

If its a yes or no question then that is how I answer.... how in the world could I not.

You would be surprised at just how many people are not able to answer in a yes or no.

Cat

 

[LadyCibelle]

Dear beautiful Lizzie,

Why do you torture yourself so? You know that you're not the one at fault, that the one you love doesn't deserve to even breathe the same air as you. If only you could see what the ones who truly love you see.....then you'd know how worthy of love you are. Then you'd understand that he (whoever he is) is keeping you down because he doesn't know what treasure he has in front of him.

I wish I had a mirror and could show you what I see when I look and talk to you. You're beautiful, caring, generous and you only deserve the best.

I cannot keep your heart for you, I cannot bear the pain for you but I can offer my shoulder and ears if you wish.

 

[SeaCat]

So if you were in my shoes, you would answer my wife when she asks,
'Does my ass look big in this?' with what?

I love the answer, 'Your ass looks big in everything.' but to keep the peace should one prevaricate?

Personally, I do answer honestly. I might say that something does not suit her.
But, we have a relationship where straight talking does not get us into trouble.
I find the answer, 'Yes, dear.' can get you out of sticky situations, especially when she knows why I'm using it.

To get back to your original questions, if my wife asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, I would answer 'yes' because it was what she wanted to do. Time together is precious, as we're only on this world for a short time. Time alone together is even more precious in a relationship.

LOLOL

The other day my wife were in the local mall. We had stopped in one of the stores and my wife was trying on some pants. One of those she tried on looked cute on the rack but not on her.

My wife asked me what I thought of them and I answered as I always do, honestly. I told her they made her ass look huge. She looked at me and started laughing as she asked me what ass. (She stands five foot six and weighs 126 pounds.)

Cat

 

[Guest]

Ya know I understand there are times that a yes or no is rough

but how about a DIRECT HONEST ANSWER

THATS what I want