Group Poem "Live" by Bad2Verse

[Bad2Verse]

Live
by Bad2Verse ©


Islands of solitude surrounded by distance
Love's current massaging their hopeful shores
Beating hearts, without passion's rhythm
Cooled from isolation therapies
Yearning for life's intimate warmth
The delicious invitation to connect and live.

For what is life without connection
Listening to our own beating hearts
I want to stand on that shoreline
Watch the horizon for a rhythmic swell
As it turns into a warm tidal wave
And washes over me, passionately.

Incandescence breathing in life-giving emotion
Currents of sorrow, fear, and anger
Isolate the hopeful, beating heart
Joy, love, and laughter sing of feeling
Touched by the sea of human connection
Bringing together our islands of solitude.



edited version as follows:

Islands of solitude surrounded by distance.
Love's current massaging their hopeful shores.
Beating hearts, without passion's rhythm,
Cooled from isolation therapies,
Yearning for life's intimate warmth.
The delicious invitation to connect and live.

For what is life without connection?
Listening to our own beating hearts.
Step up to life's offering of love.
Watch the sea for a welcoming swell,
As it turns into a tidal wave
And engulfs you into it's passion.

Existence is breathing in life-giving emotion.
Currents of sorrow, fear, and anger
Isolate the hopeful, beating heart.
Joy, love, and laughter sing of feeling,
Touched by the sea of human connection.
Bringing together our islands of solitude.

 

[Savage Kitten]

"Hubba Hubba!! Look at the metaphors on that Baby!!"

"Yeah, bet she paid a pretty penny for 'em! Did ya notice her Beau's danglin' participle?? Whoa! I wonder where he keeps it when it ain't danglin'???"



Great job Bad2verse... very romatic! I loved the images and the scene you set. The following stanzas tie in nicely to the ones before! And the big words make me wanna go "Grrrrrrrrrrrr!" (I luv chases 'em thru the dictionary *wink* hehe) You all worked great as a team!

I gave ya a 4!

Sk~

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Sweet as sugar!

I'm going into sugar shock on this one. But I like it, I like it! The poem has to win the prize for most images. We are on a roller coaster of romantic phrasing and images the likes of which has not been seen since DH Lawrence penned "Lady Chatterley's Lover." I have to read this a few more times while I lean back on the chez, sip champagne and eat peeled fruit. Yeah and I need roses, definitely more roses. I will write more later.

U.P.

 

[mskittykatt]

Hello and Well Met Bad2Verse,
i am afraid that i need to wuss out on any *real* feedback... this is way over my head in writing style, and very nearly comprehension. when i read it this morning i couldn't connect it to the title "Live" i saw it more as "Love" and had to reread it twice this afternoon just to grasp how it is indeed "Live"
i'm sorry all i have to offer is a committment to study this a little more and try to wrap my mind around it... i would love to talk to the author's of each verse after all this is over and the dust has settled. i'm sure i have much to learn from you!!!

 

[daughter]

Beautiful sand but

Bad2Verse--

I'm opting to be honest here. If I had been swept with emotion, I wouldn't focus on the technical. I felt no connection so I chose to examine the structure to explain why.


These islands are surrounded by clichés and abstractions. A reader can easily be swept away with the currents of emotion, but when the tide recedes, I’m wondering why this beach is spectacular.

In stanza one, we are introduced to two islands, desolate and longing for love and connection. The text is simply too wordy and without punctuation, a reader isn’t sure where to pause or stop. A lush setting, but there are unsettling waves in this stanza. It is difficult to navigate.

Stanza two successfully picks up the tone of the introduction, but the vocabulary has no greater impact here than when we saw in the first stanza. Perhaps the poet wanted to create continuity by using the same words. I would have liked to have felt the passion instead of being told what the narrator experienced. We lose the metaphor here, too, because “I” is introduced and distinguishes the narrator from the shore.

“Incadescence breathing” isn’t working. Not only is it clumsey tongue but it isn't achieving the connotation I believe the poet wants to express. In this final stanza we have a series of abstract terms that while they name an emotion, they don’t anchor us to the predicament of the forlorn lovers. Again we’re given a list of adjectives instead of developed images that connects us to how these lovers felt. I missed the transition from loneliness to love. Romantic ending, but how did their shores connect?

Peace,

daughter

 

[Bad2Verse]

KillerMuffin
To tell the truth, I never really did figure out where we were going with this thing. I read it quite a few times. I think I was more concerned over the cliches than anything else. However, the trend I noticed was that the first stanza was separation, the second stanza was longing, so closure for this bad boy would have togetherness. My problem is that I'm not very romantic, I'm blunt and plainspoken so the pretty language threw me off.

I went through and underlined all the repeated words and phrases, you'll notice there are a few. It wouldn't have continuity if the repetitions didn't follow through into the third stanza. The next trick was to do a meter count. This is cool. St. 1: 12, 10, 9, 9, 9, 13; St. 2: 9, 9, 8, 10, 10, 10; St. 3: 13, 9, 9, 9, 10, 12. I wonder if anyone noticed the rhythm?

When I went through with this, I was thinking of bringing full circle. It began with islands of solitude in the distance, but ended with islands of solitude brought together. I was hoping that it would be noticed that it was done through at first the yearning for connection and the need for it, then by the fullness of human emotion. I suppose I didn't express that very well.

Sugary... good word.

 

[daughter]

Yes, I did notice

Or I should say, intuitively I'd liked the feel of the read and I'd attribute that to rhythm. Pardon me for not mentioning another quality in the piece.

I also suspected what you were trying to do KM. We all were working together for the first time, and early drafts aren't typically our best so I'm trying to remain flexible, and see what we're going to do to complete this competition.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[TheDR4KE]

Overall, and particularly in the ending, this had a nice feel to it. Sort of melancholy, very moody. In parts though this poem let me down while reading... The 4th line, for example, breaks the rhythm that the first three have set up. The third line of the second stanza also doesn't flow well for me.

I'd like to give all of the works much more time, break them down and comment on each stanza, but it's just too much for me, and I've not enough time right now :-(

It's really interesting though doing these reviews of different poems that have similar structure (i.e. 3 5-7 line stanzas with word limits) because it really highlights to me the things that I value highly in poetry: Meaning, mood and flow.

Thanks,

Drake

 

[Debbie]

Sometimes I may read a poem so many times to try and understand it when all along it is so simple. I did this with this poem. I just didn't get it or have a feel for it. What was the poem trying to say to me?
But after wandering away and chatting to hubby, bigrednz (he who doesn't 'get' poetry!) he said he got it straight away! Now that ladies and gents is a big compliment.

So I read it again, and I now think that was erosman started with was very clever.

"Islands of solitude surrounded by distance
Love's current massaging their hopeful shores
Beating hearts, without passion's rhythm
Cooled from isolation therapies
Yearning for life's intimate warmth
The delicious invitation to connect and live."

How many of us are islands? Distanced, seeking to connect and live?
I think though that for me the cliches did detract a little from the meaning of this poem. It almost got lost for me.
I would be interested to hear what brought about this poem, the thoughts behind what he wrote.

KM brought it together for me, with these lines

"Touched by the sea of human connection
Bringing together our islands of solitude."

The light bulb went on!
When I got it through to my dense self? And read it again? I was impressed. Well done.

 

[Guest]

Sometimes I may read a poem so many times to try and understand it when all along it is so simple. I did this with this poem. I just didn't get it or have a feel for it. What was the poem trying to say to me?
But after wandering away and chatting to hubby, bigrednz (he who doesn't 'get' poetry!) he said he got it straight away! Now that ladies and gents is a big compliment.

So I read it again, and I now think that was erosman started with was very clever.

"Islands of solitude surrounded by distance
Love's current massaging their hopeful shores
Beating hearts, without passion's rhythm
Cooled from isolation therapies
Yearning for life's intimate warmth
The delicious invitation to connect and live."

How many of us are islands? Distanced, seeking to connect and live?
I think though that for me the cliches did detract a little from the meaning of this poem. It almost got lost for me.
I would be interested to hear what brought about this poem, the thoughts behind what he wrote.

KM brought it together for me, with these lines

"Touched by the sea of human connection
Bringing together our islands of solitude."

The light bulb went on!
When I got it through to my dense self? And read it again? I was impressed. Well done.

I agree with that sentiment very much, debbiexxx. The meaning is very clear from the very beginning. Yes, we are all islands - we tend to keep within ourselves because of fear and lonliness and/or rejection. I think erosman did a wonderful job of creating something in which his fellow poets could follow through on.

Love's current massaging their hopeful shores

You can feel how the water, as it touches the shore, tries to take hold of the writer - it tries to break him/her free of their solitude. The word hopeful has more meaning than any other word in that sentence. The person is being teased to break free.

I enjoyed reading this poem very much. It has so much to say about human nature and how one can feel defeat, yet still look to the future to feel connected in some way.

For what is life without connection

Life without connection is very unhappy. To not have someone to share it with by way of verbal or physical communication can be so empty. As humans, we all strive for companionship of some kind. That is how we equate life and happiness - by having someone to share life with.

This poem said so much - stirred feelings inside me - made me wonder about my own detiny.

What is wonderful about poetry is about being able to come to your own conclusions about meaning. Poetry is food for the soul and thoughts for the brain. It's not always about understanding its true meaning as much as feeling some sort of emotion while reading it.

 

[tigerjen]

Without becoming long-winded, thought your poem
had a sensual sentimentality to it......loved this line:

"Love's current massaging their hopeful shores"

Very nice image......

A good effort.....

 

[alltherage]

Ok here goes. Before I comment let me first say I am not a poet and truly fly by the seat of my pants when I try to write verse. I enjoy poems that feel as though they are connected to the subconscious mind. I am less fond of "craft" then I am of emotion. I think this is a well crafted poem but I did not feel the emotions it tried to express. I can recognise them surely, but as a surgeon recognises a wound. I love poem that make me feel the wound. I hope that makes sense.

 

[lovetoread]

I felt romantic when I read this,and I liked the pictures that were in my head.

Great job writing this Bad2Verse.

 

[perks]

I love the flow of this poem, some of the imagery. It was like a thought...a breath, a poetic disection.

first stanza
I was trying to pick out the one line that I liked best. Then I realized that each line needs the previous and is a prerequisite for the latter. It is complete. The imagery, the thought. It's like a triptic painting..each line working with the other, yet able to stand on its own. My favorite image of this poem here in this stanza "Love's current massaging their hopeful shores
Beating hearts, without passion's rhythm
Cooled from isolation therapies" How true to reality, do we know this to be. It is so on target. Impressed with the feelings you invoked within me, using these three lines. Good Job!!!

second stanza
this is where it gets sugary. I like how you ask the question. I wish it had the question mark. The last two lines " As it turns into a warm tidal wave
And washes over me, passionately", give me a toothache, and are overly cliche.

third stanza
okay I wish incandescence was incandescent. I can imagine a breath being incandescent. I can't imagine incandescence breathing. I think the change of it to an adjective would fit the rest of that line, the emotion you want the reader to feel. That sparkly tingly breath. Although, the words you use in this stanza fit the rest of the poem, and solidify the image. It's a <grin> "sea" of cliche, and "currently" is making me want to hide from this poem on my own "island".

overall, this has some of the best continuity out of all the poems. Unfortunately, it sacrificed poetry and originality in order to do it.

 

[Whispersecret]

Live
by Bad2Verse ©


Islands of solitude surrounded by distance
Love's current massaging their hopeful shores
Beating hearts, without passion's rhythm
Cooled from isolation therapies
Yearning for life's intimate warmth
The delicious invitation to connect and live.

Islands are, by definition, surrounded by distance. I don't care for the word "massaging." For some reason it brings to mind the image of some cheesy, seventies guy wearing a wide tie leering and saying, "Hey, baby, want a massage?" Clearly, I need therapy.

I would have cut "beating." I liked "cooled from isolation therapies." I feel that our society is growing more separated, and this speaks to that.

For what is life without connection
Listening to our own beating hearts
I want to stand on that shoreline
Watch the horizon for a rhythmic swell
As it turns into a warm tidal wave
And washes over me, passionately.

No question mark on the first line? Again with "beating hearts" and "rhythm?" I like "I want to stand on that shoreline/ Watch the horizon for..." that beginning left me anticipating much, but the rest of the stanza didn't pay off for me.

Incandescence breathing in life-giving emotion
Currents of sorrow, fear, and anger
Isolate the hopeful, beating heart
Joy, love, and laughter sing of feeling
Touched by the sea of human connection
Bringing together our islands of solitude.

We have such strong sea imagery here that "incandesence" doesn't really fit, even if I love that word. Again the "beating heart," a phrase that I found cliche from the beginning. HOwever, I do like the last two lines immensely. It points out that just as all the oceans and seas on Earth are connected, so is humanity. What a poignant sentiment, and fitting for our troubled times.

 

[Bad2Verse]

First, a little about erosman: I had no idea what I was getting myself into here. LOL. I thought I could syphon off an hour or two of emotion, let it spill onto some paper, redecorate it a bit - new paint and drapes, PM it to KatPurrs, and then slip back to my horse-drawn plow and finish the north 40. Now, I find my ass hanging out in the breeze, and scrutiny, the likes of which I haven't known since my last visit to the proctologist.

Regarding the first stanza: I was having a 'refugee' sort of day when I received the title LIVE. My initial thought was 'living through connection'. Feeling more than a little responsibility to my sister poets, I wanted to give them a canvas that invited them to explore. With my 'refugee' mindset, and the connective dynamic of Lit., I settled on the need for connection, or as KM suggested, the separation. I really saw this poem going more of a sensual path than the romantic one that it took. I am not disappointed, though. I bow deeply to both lady co-composers for their great shadow of my lead.
My rough draft left me a little too dark. I felt a gnawing on my jugular. (I tend to gravitate towards pathos.) So, I changed out a few words to lighten it a bit, hoping to make it more inviting for connective descriptions.

Responses:
SavageKitten - metaphors? Did you see those too, last night?
U.P. - champagne? I don't like the stuff. It tickles my nose.
mskittykat - chat after the dust is settled? next week I'll be in the west 40 and the week after the south 40...plowboy.com
daughter - punctuation? what's that?
KM - rhythm? who's she?
Dr4ke - 4th line, break in rhythm? "without passion's rhythm" seemed like the kind of cue to throw a change-up.
Debbiexxx - Does bigrednz plow with horses too?
Enchanted - Massages tease you, too? I thought it was only me.
tigerjen - Awwshucks! thanks, Jen.
alltherage - I heard them foreigners was experitmentin with flying seats. And, yes, it does make sense to me.
lovetoread - Is that anything like a photographical memry?
perky_baby - Triptic? I don't know. Feelings? Hell, those damn pesky/perky feelings.
Whispersecret - Clearly, you and I both...

Thanks all for your input - both pulchritudinous and undissembling.
erosman

 

[Guest]

You are so funny

Erosman,

You must have stopped for a little home brew on your way back from the north 40.

Thank you for particpating, the comments are part of the fun, we like to talk about poetry, not serve up platitudes. You are a natural fit and you crack me up! "A canvas for your sisters"?
"A great shadow for your lead"? The poetry is over, step back from the abstracts and image construction. "A gnawing on your jugular'? Forget the poem I'm going after your response. Now excuse me while I "syphon off" to another thread.

Great stanza, great response.

U.P.

 

[alice]

Baywatch

Okay, guys the metaphor can work and I really like the message.

alice

 

[Dillinger]

This poem, to me, was sweeping in its scope... As if looking out on the entire scope of life... standing at ocean's edge.

We are islands, yes - but there is a desire to connect - to experience... to live...

A wonderful group effort where all three poets have meshed together to express the theme... "live" in excellent form.

After reading this... and still, as I write my comments, I am left awash in a sea of mixed emotions... just savoring the act of feeling without wanting to dissect.

Thank you - this moved me.

 

[Jazzy2]

somebody throw me a life jacket

I'm WS. Folks we're gettin' no where fast here. Islands are surrounded by distance? No shite.

Folks teasin' but I can see this workin' after you plug the hole in the boat.

Jazzy2

 

[Bad2Verse]

Gee Jazzy2, why don't you tell us what you really think? Sorry, we only have enough lifejackets for those already on board....

just kidding....thanks for taking a moment to express yourself. Now quick! Fetch the Oakum!

At least we seem to have stirred some emotions with our poem! People either love us or hate us it seems. Aint poetry great! The different interpretations, the differences in the likes and the dislikes makes me realize how subjective poetry is. What one reader loves, makes another swoon in repulsion.

I thought it came out rather well. Ok, Ok, so here's my take on it...

Erosman, first of all, I want to say....you are a riot! And your first stanza was great. It really made me think. I read it over and over before I thought I figured it out...but...I guess I was off a tad.

You stated you wanted it to go in a sensual way and I didn't interpret it that way at all. I felt a global thing going on. That "no man is an island" thingy unless he/she prefers it that way. That to really live, we need the connection of humanity. That if we want the love of humanity, we need to be on that shore where love was.

So my stanza was to be pro-active about getting that connection. To buck up, stand by that shore and let the love of mankind sweep us away! Am I getting too sugary again? Damn, I hate it when that happens! bleaaaahhhhh!

KillerMuffin, you rounded it up beautifully, I thought. You brought it full circle to show that the efforts were productive, that, yes, in making that connection, one has to experience the full gamut of emotions, good and bad.

Thanks Erosman and KM. Now we get to edit.....

And thanks to all for the wonderful, well thought out feedback.

And, of course, thanks U.P. for your effort here.

KatPurrs

 

[SA Storm]

/

 

[KatPurrs]

EROSMAN

Your Mailbox is full.....

I sent the edits for me and KM to your aol addy

Kat~

 

[Whispersecret]

The only change here that I think improved it is the substitution of "incandescence" for "existence." Otherwise, my comments from before still stand.