Greetings.
Ok, so I've been looking at this blank space for nearly 30 minutes now, unsure of how to start. heh.
Perhaps with a brief introduction?
*puts on her my name is Carys nametag*
Hi, my name is Carys. Actually, Carys is the protagonist of my unfinished novel, and I hope dearly one day everyone gets to meet her, but for now, my writer's block is ensuring that won't happen any time soon.
But I digress.
I'm 27 years old, female, and I've been married just over two years. I'm a non-practicing bisexual (I'm too scared to approach men, let alone women). I have a cat who is 18 (which is in no way relevant to this post, but I just like telling people about my cat because 1) I love her like she was my child and 2) she's old).
I'm currently in therapy for various mental illnesses, and I'm learning a lot about myself at this time, and due to this I'm also forced to look long and hard at myself as a sexual being. This is why I'm here.
Basically, I'm hella confused right now.
Where to start... well... I suppose I should start by saying that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, any other BPD's here? It's manifesting itself less as I age than it did in my teens/early 20's, but I still deal with it. One of the ways that it manifests itself is that in times of stress or strong emotion, I tend to revert to a child emotionally. Which is a pain because it feels like there are two entirely separate people inside of me.
Anywho...
*exhale*
I have a number of sexual issues that I'm working through right now, most of which are still too uncomfortable for me to discuss with my therapist, so instead I will document them here in what seems to be an open, non-judgemental environment.
To start, about 4 1/2 years ago I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, and after deciding to keep the baby, I miscarried at the two month mark. Before the pregnancy, I had a very high sex drive (for me anyway). With my ex, we had sex at least once a day, usually twice, and I usually gave him head daily as well. Now I find after the miscarriage (my husband is the only man I've been with since, I was not with him at the time of the pregnancy, we met a few months later) that I have considerably less sex drive. It is not unusual for 2-3 weeks, or more, to pass without my husband and I having sex. He says it does not bother him (and he has no basis for comparison, as he was a virgin when we met), but it bothers me. It's possible that it could be something chemical, but I think it's probably more of a mental block. I wonder if part of the problem isn't that I'm worried about getting pregnant again, because I don't know if I can handle another miscarriage emotionally. I also think I got a new hang-up while pregnant because the fellow I was involved with at the time decided it would be a good idea to tease me about the excessive fluid I was creating during sex (I'm pretty sure it was not a g-spot orgasm because I didn't feel an orgasm occuring, and it didn't squirt out at the end, I just seemed to have about 20 people's worth of lubrication being produced during sex) - the end result for the bed seems to be about what I've read about g-spot orgasms, a spot a foot or two wide that would not dry for hours, heh. Anyway, he would laugh about it and it gave me a bit of a complex I think. He'd often pull out and then point and laugh and say "hey, it's Niagara Falls". Anywho, I'm noticing that when I get aroused there's almost a sensation of low grade fear or anxiety that accompanies, as if I am afraid to have sex with my husband. I have a few theories about this. Partially I think this is because I haven't had an actual orgasm in about nine years, and at this point I'm so frustrated I'm about to burst. I've come *very* close with hubby a few times, which is great, but it also reminds me of how I just can't quite get there.
Now, when it comes to BDSM (that's why where all here, right?) I've observed since I was a teenager that I have a mostly un-indulged submissive side. With most of my past relationships, I've had to take charge so-to-speak, and I've usually felt uncomfortable doing so. All of my sexual fantasies involve me taking a submissive role, usually to a man, though sometimes to a woman. It's never been something I've allowed myself to explore much in my past, out of fear, usually fear of finding a Dom/me that was not SSC (though until I began to explore what BDSM was, I didn't know the term SSC, I just was worried someone would, to be blunt, beat the shit out of me or kill me, etc). I did once have a friend online who lived with his friend and his friend's girlfriend, who were engaged in a D/s relationship, with his friend as the Dom. His friend was aware of my tendencies, and I managed to meet them all one time when I went to visit for a weekend, and this fellow who was a Dom seemed quite rational and level-headed, and after having a quiet, private discussion with me told me he thought I'd make a great slave one day. To this day, I don't think I've ever heard words that were more arousing, and if I have to be honest with myself, pleasing.
Thing is, I'm still confused. I can't help but wonder if my submissive tendencies don't stem from who I really am, but instead from the mental illnesses I have. Now, I don't mean to equate BDSM with mental illness, only in my specific case. Due to my emotional problems, I have a great fear of abandonment, and a very strong need to be taken care of. So, my concern is that if my need for submission is who I really am, then there's no problem, but if it's just me seeing submission as a means of escape from learning to stand on my own two feet, then I feel that would be unhealthy. Since I don't know yet where my submission stems from, I don't know which way to go. Compound this with the fact that though I find myself to be naturally (or unnaturally as the case may be) submissive, I also have quite the dominant and very sadistic side, so I suppose I'd have to label myself as a switch?
I think the biggest problem comes from the fact that I'm trying to come to terms with these issues while being married. Were I single, I'd be able to experiment and see what worked for me, but I'm somewhat restrained (heh) from exploring my needs due to my husband. I love my husband dearly, but I don't know if we're really all that compatible sexually. I've always been a free spirit sexually, desiring to try new things frequently, exhibitionism, and though I understand the need for safety, the concept of manogamy is not one that makes sense to me. My husband is much more conservative sexually, and though he's not boring in bed (he's been willing to experiment with me, and he indulges my needs as far as he's able to), he just doesn't have the same views sexually that I do. Earlier today I tried to discuss the posibility of swinging in the future, and he basically shut down. He's just not comfortable discussing such things. He's told me that he doesn't mind if I have a girlfriend (I don't, *sigh*), yet he doesn't want any part in a threesome.
He's definitely not naturally dominant, and though he'll indulge me during specific sexual incidences, he's expressed on quite a few occasions that he's not in any way interested in a 24/7 kind of D/s relationship. It's at the point where I can't even imagine having him as a Dom, because I want a Dom who is a Dom because he's a Dom, not because he's playing a role to please me. These views are now coloring our sexual play I find, and I'm finding less enjoyment from even the limited specific D/s type activity that we get up to.
I also think that I could find myself being a Domme easily, which is confusing as well. I realize that there are natural switches out there, but I don't really know how to reconcile both my dominant and submissive aspects into something that works for me, or makes any bloody sense.
So, right now I'm at a point where I feel that BDSM is where I belong, but where exactly, I have no clue, and I'm not sure if my partner belongs there.
So... if anyone has made it through this novel of a post, I'm open to any and all suggestions of how I can find my way to what will be fulfilling to me. I'm trying to work through these issues with my husband as well as with my therapist, but a new perspective would be nice. I'm not really shy (well, when not attempting to pick someone up anyway), so if any more information is required, don't hesitate to ask.
Thanks for your time.
Hoping to become a productive member of the Lit BDSM forum,
C.
- p.s. If you want your time back, please fill out form A73-C, and we will respond as soon as possible.
Ok, so I've been looking at this blank space for nearly 30 minutes now, unsure of how to start. heh.
Perhaps with a brief introduction?
*puts on her my name is Carys nametag*
Hi, my name is Carys. Actually, Carys is the protagonist of my unfinished novel, and I hope dearly one day everyone gets to meet her, but for now, my writer's block is ensuring that won't happen any time soon.
But I digress.
I'm 27 years old, female, and I've been married just over two years. I'm a non-practicing bisexual (I'm too scared to approach men, let alone women). I have a cat who is 18 (which is in no way relevant to this post, but I just like telling people about my cat because 1) I love her like she was my child and 2) she's old).
I'm currently in therapy for various mental illnesses, and I'm learning a lot about myself at this time, and due to this I'm also forced to look long and hard at myself as a sexual being. This is why I'm here.
Basically, I'm hella confused right now.
Where to start... well... I suppose I should start by saying that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, any other BPD's here? It's manifesting itself less as I age than it did in my teens/early 20's, but I still deal with it. One of the ways that it manifests itself is that in times of stress or strong emotion, I tend to revert to a child emotionally. Which is a pain because it feels like there are two entirely separate people inside of me.
Anywho...
*exhale*
I have a number of sexual issues that I'm working through right now, most of which are still too uncomfortable for me to discuss with my therapist, so instead I will document them here in what seems to be an open, non-judgemental environment.
To start, about 4 1/2 years ago I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, and after deciding to keep the baby, I miscarried at the two month mark. Before the pregnancy, I had a very high sex drive (for me anyway). With my ex, we had sex at least once a day, usually twice, and I usually gave him head daily as well. Now I find after the miscarriage (my husband is the only man I've been with since, I was not with him at the time of the pregnancy, we met a few months later) that I have considerably less sex drive. It is not unusual for 2-3 weeks, or more, to pass without my husband and I having sex. He says it does not bother him (and he has no basis for comparison, as he was a virgin when we met), but it bothers me. It's possible that it could be something chemical, but I think it's probably more of a mental block. I wonder if part of the problem isn't that I'm worried about getting pregnant again, because I don't know if I can handle another miscarriage emotionally. I also think I got a new hang-up while pregnant because the fellow I was involved with at the time decided it would be a good idea to tease me about the excessive fluid I was creating during sex (I'm pretty sure it was not a g-spot orgasm because I didn't feel an orgasm occuring, and it didn't squirt out at the end, I just seemed to have about 20 people's worth of lubrication being produced during sex) - the end result for the bed seems to be about what I've read about g-spot orgasms, a spot a foot or two wide that would not dry for hours, heh. Anyway, he would laugh about it and it gave me a bit of a complex I think. He'd often pull out and then point and laugh and say "hey, it's Niagara Falls". Anywho, I'm noticing that when I get aroused there's almost a sensation of low grade fear or anxiety that accompanies, as if I am afraid to have sex with my husband. I have a few theories about this. Partially I think this is because I haven't had an actual orgasm in about nine years, and at this point I'm so frustrated I'm about to burst. I've come *very* close with hubby a few times, which is great, but it also reminds me of how I just can't quite get there.
Now, when it comes to BDSM (that's why where all here, right?) I've observed since I was a teenager that I have a mostly un-indulged submissive side. With most of my past relationships, I've had to take charge so-to-speak, and I've usually felt uncomfortable doing so. All of my sexual fantasies involve me taking a submissive role, usually to a man, though sometimes to a woman. It's never been something I've allowed myself to explore much in my past, out of fear, usually fear of finding a Dom/me that was not SSC (though until I began to explore what BDSM was, I didn't know the term SSC, I just was worried someone would, to be blunt, beat the shit out of me or kill me, etc). I did once have a friend online who lived with his friend and his friend's girlfriend, who were engaged in a D/s relationship, with his friend as the Dom. His friend was aware of my tendencies, and I managed to meet them all one time when I went to visit for a weekend, and this fellow who was a Dom seemed quite rational and level-headed, and after having a quiet, private discussion with me told me he thought I'd make a great slave one day. To this day, I don't think I've ever heard words that were more arousing, and if I have to be honest with myself, pleasing.
Thing is, I'm still confused. I can't help but wonder if my submissive tendencies don't stem from who I really am, but instead from the mental illnesses I have. Now, I don't mean to equate BDSM with mental illness, only in my specific case. Due to my emotional problems, I have a great fear of abandonment, and a very strong need to be taken care of. So, my concern is that if my need for submission is who I really am, then there's no problem, but if it's just me seeing submission as a means of escape from learning to stand on my own two feet, then I feel that would be unhealthy. Since I don't know yet where my submission stems from, I don't know which way to go. Compound this with the fact that though I find myself to be naturally (or unnaturally as the case may be) submissive, I also have quite the dominant and very sadistic side, so I suppose I'd have to label myself as a switch?
I think the biggest problem comes from the fact that I'm trying to come to terms with these issues while being married. Were I single, I'd be able to experiment and see what worked for me, but I'm somewhat restrained (heh) from exploring my needs due to my husband. I love my husband dearly, but I don't know if we're really all that compatible sexually. I've always been a free spirit sexually, desiring to try new things frequently, exhibitionism, and though I understand the need for safety, the concept of manogamy is not one that makes sense to me. My husband is much more conservative sexually, and though he's not boring in bed (he's been willing to experiment with me, and he indulges my needs as far as he's able to), he just doesn't have the same views sexually that I do. Earlier today I tried to discuss the posibility of swinging in the future, and he basically shut down. He's just not comfortable discussing such things. He's told me that he doesn't mind if I have a girlfriend (I don't, *sigh*), yet he doesn't want any part in a threesome.
He's definitely not naturally dominant, and though he'll indulge me during specific sexual incidences, he's expressed on quite a few occasions that he's not in any way interested in a 24/7 kind of D/s relationship. It's at the point where I can't even imagine having him as a Dom, because I want a Dom who is a Dom because he's a Dom, not because he's playing a role to please me. These views are now coloring our sexual play I find, and I'm finding less enjoyment from even the limited specific D/s type activity that we get up to.
I also think that I could find myself being a Domme easily, which is confusing as well. I realize that there are natural switches out there, but I don't really know how to reconcile both my dominant and submissive aspects into something that works for me, or makes any bloody sense.
So, right now I'm at a point where I feel that BDSM is where I belong, but where exactly, I have no clue, and I'm not sure if my partner belongs there.
So... if anyone has made it through this novel of a post, I'm open to any and all suggestions of how I can find my way to what will be fulfilling to me. I'm trying to work through these issues with my husband as well as with my therapist, but a new perspective would be nice. I'm not really shy (well, when not attempting to pick someone up anyway), so if any more information is required, don't hesitate to ask.
Thanks for your time.
Hoping to become a productive member of the Lit BDSM forum,
C.
- p.s. If you want your time back, please fill out form A73-C, and we will respond as soon as possible.
