Grassroots Discussion: Wyldkarde

[Pure]

Welcome:

Wyld would like us to take a look at "Heralds of a Dying Age."

It has further chapters; here's the beginning.


http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=136071


Perhaps he will add some questions.

Best,
J.

 

[Lying Eyes]

Intresting story, kept me hooked until I finished it and left me wondering where you plan on taking it in following chapters. Some of my comments, sugestions, and notes on what I may have aproached differently but not necesarily a better way.

First I suggest you take up the help of a volunteer editor. For me the technical flaws are not a big deal. But it would be a real pity that your good story might annoy some readers that wont give your story a chance and stop reading because of a few minor errors. Literotica's volunteer editor program is a great resource. Plenty of smart people willing to help edit your work.

Caleb seems like an odd name. Fine for the scifi part but it sticks out in his real life. Maybe something should of been said how he recieved such a different name. I would of had him with something more typical in the real world and once his mind is transported to his alternate? body in this other universe he would be confused on what is happening but also why he is being called by an odd name.

Something not mentioned was why he was still working at this job especialy since he said that he was on edge since the place was robbed four months ago. Most of the workers had quit or fired since then. Now why not him? Is he a wimp? Can't stand up to management? Too poor to risk unemployment? Can't find a better job? An idiot? What keeps him there?

I thought you should of mentioned more about his real life. I like to see the contrast between his two lives. For example have the Caleb character looking at these women in this world and comparing them to the women that he meets (if any) in his regular life.

Caleb's view of the cityscape through the window was a bit cliche for a scifi story. Prefer to see a something a little different then what he saw.

<i>Upon hearing him speak, Nadia made a face was part pity, and part anger. Quickly she turned away...

There was coldness in Nadia's voice that he was dead to her for the time being...
</i>

Whoah! This confused, suprised, and made me more intrested with this Nadia character. Reading through the story I thought maybe her anger was for her being called "Nadia" and as a noblewoman she doesnt want to be called something so informal in front of the hospitalier/nurse. But to say "he was dead to her for the time being" seems to point to something deeper then that. Maybe I missed something obvious that other readers can see?

<i>The coldness was gone, replaced by concern so genuine that...</i>

This confused me also since the coldness seems to vanish so quick after she just got that anger/coldness. Seems out of place to me for such a sudden change without something clear to set off the change like maybe him whispering, "Your so beautiful."

<i>Whatever they shot him up with in the hospital, it was primo stuff.

May as well enjoy it before he woke up and had to start learning how to chew food again.</i>

I wish you had played more with these ideas before he started realizing it was all real. I don't like the idea of having directions in dreams convince him it is reality. I don't think that it is enough to convince anyone that has had such a dramatic shift in their life. Even when the character is starting to beleive that this is reality he should still be having doubts that he is in some kind of drug induced fantasy. The character should still be having thoughts like, 'This cant be happening to me! Dream or not this fantasy kicks ass! I must be dead and this is heaven! Whatever this drug they are pumping me up with I hope they don't stop! This can't be real, this is too good to be true.'

In my opinion it was a mistake that you didnt tell the reader for so long that he is black. Readers would already have created an image of him way before knowing this, usually either a general white male or projecting themselves in the story. That should of been made clear much sooner.

Last note, I'm left wondering that the other Caleb that got hit by the Orb is in the real world. Boy did he ever get the short end of the stick! I'm curious to know if you plan to write him a chapter and put him in the other side, the world this Caleb left.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Wyld,

Very good, very imaginative story. It kept me reading after midnight. It's a tad wordy in places, the conversation between the two women began to feel like a mini-info dump, you use a lot of "ly" adverbs, and probably overuse protags name.

And speaking of names, don't pay Lying Eyes any attention. Caleb is a great old biblical name and the first name of bestselling author, Caleb Carr.

What I did was cut and paste things that grabbed my attention. They're below with some comments from me in CAPS.

Hope some of this helps.

Rumple Foreskin

--

Working for Atlas, he found that while many of the public's prejudices and fears about "dirty bookstores" were unfounded. (“WHILE” MAKES THAT AN INCOMPLETE SENT.)

Caleb couldn't have known this, but the kid was out the door before he hit the ground.(A LITTLE PRONOUN CONFUSION. MAYBE, “CALEB COULDN’T HAVE KNOWN THIS, BUT BEFORE HE HIT THE FLOOR, THE KID WAS OUT THE DOOR.”

All of Caleb's physical sensations were still aggressively active and Caleb hadn't been touched since he regained consciousness. (CALEB X 2)

What he saw was so unlike any hospital room he'd ever seen that his first response was horror despite the fact that there was nothing in his bedchamber that was not pleasing to the eye. (LONG AND AWKWARD)

The bed he was lying on was triangular, a bizarre shape for a bed, but despite that, it was very comfortable and covered with blood-red satin sheets. (WORDY. YOU’VE ALREADY SAID HE’S IN A BED SO “HE WAS LYING ON” COULD BE OMITTED AS COULD “DESPITE THAT.” – I’D SUGGEST BREAKING IT INTO TWO SENTENCES.)

This was actually transparent wherever light hit it and Caleb could plainly see that beneath the thin garment, she was completely naked.(THREE “LY” ADVERBS. ALL COULD BE OMITTED. TO QUOTE STEPHEN KING, “ADVERBS ARE NOT A WRITERS FRIEND.”)

The young woman dressed in the pink toga was young, (YOUNG X 2)

Salima, the woman in silver, rose quickly to her feet and looked at the floor.(SHE WAS STANDING WHEN INTRODUCED AND THERE’S BEEN NO MENTION OF HER SITTING.)

With some effort, Caleb was able to turn his head towards "Mistress Nadia". What he saw was a gorgeous woman dressed in a soft gray gown. The gown covered more than the other women's togas, but it was in no way less flattering. Nadia had light brown skin, lighter than Caleb's, with a golden glow. Her hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail that hung to the small of her back. Her lips shone softly as if they'd been glossed and silvery eye shadow highlighted her slightly asiatic eyes. While her gown may have concealed her nakedness better than the togas, it did nothing to hide her figure. Nadia's hips peeked out from the slits in the side of her gown and the garment's neckline was so low that it seemed as though the only thing keeping it from sliding off her breasts were the fullness of the breasts themselves.
(THAT’S A LOT OF INFO TO GIVE READER’S AT ONE TIME ABOUT NADIA’S BODY. IT’S NOT “WRONG.” HOWEVER, THE CURRENT TREND IS TOWARD HANDING OUT SUCH INFO IN SMALLER DOSES.)

"He will heal quickly mistress," Salima said. She(OMIT “SALIMA SAID. SHE…” BEGIN SENTENCE WITH SALIMA SPOKE WITH…”) spoke with none of her earlier kindness. Instead her tone was businesslike and professional. Caleb doubted it would have been any different if she told Nadia that he wouldn't live though the night.

"What laid him low Salima," Nadia asked. The coldness was gone, replaced by concern so genuine that Caleb was shocked by a sudden realization in its wake. Nadia loved him. Perhaps, both of them did.
(IN BOTH THOSE PARAGRAPHS, THE DIALOGUE TAG COULD BE OMITTED SINCE THE TWO WOMEN ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN SPEAK. TAGS TEND TO SLOW THE PACE.)

"How did he survive the orb," Nadia asked. She'd sat down next to (OMIT “DOWN NEXT TO” ADD “BESIDE”) him on the bed and was running her hand across his bare chest.

Suddenly, he felt his head being lifted as Salima placed his head in her lap and stoked his temples. (“HIS HEAD” X 2)

…Caleb gripped Salima's waist with his hands(WHAT ELSE?) and pushed his tongue inside her as deep as it would go. In that instant, his cock erupted inside of Justine, making her scream aloud(HOW ELSE?)

 

[Guest]

Ahhh...feedback.

Well, as far as the editor program goes, this little tale landed me a decent one. I usually submit a finished story as soon as the spellchecker's done, breaking my own rule of setting a finished product aside for roughly a month before looking at it again with a more critical eye.

Now I have an editor guiding my writing. It'll put more time between postings, but I can live with that.

The Science Fiction element of the story was somewhat unexpected for me because this really wasn't intended to be science fiction. I was trying to get away from the classical fantasy world of thee's and thou's and bodices being ripped open by swarthy buccaneers. The technical sci-fi aspect was supposed to have been lower key, but I guess it jumped out a bit.

The real life aspect of Caleb's life wasn't something I spent too much time with. I just wanted to set the scene and get him into this other world I'd envisioned. Also, I knew I wasn't coming back to his life as a porn-shop clerk, so I didn't bother to decorate it.

I'm glad you were more interested in Nadia than any other character at this point. Caleb, despite being the main character, is pretty much waiting to be put together when we find out what the hell happened to him. The story is being written in installments, over several months, and Nadia is one of the reasons to see what happens next.

Nadia's behavior and reactions are supposed to be alien to the reader. This world has a very different culture from Caleb's old one, and I wanted to put a few "That's a strange reaction to that." moments in there.

I know Caleb's reactions were too quick. I couldn't have him in a coma for his big sex scene, so I doped him up on painkillers and gave him unusual clarity his first night in this new world. The second chapter remedies this and the pace of the story finds a more leisurely rythym in coming chapters.

Caleb being black...this wasn't something that was a big deal for me. I knew it would be coming up later so I'd have to get it in the first chapter, but I wasn't particularly concerned about where I put it. When I write stories, I frequently take my time describing my main characters. Making the point that Caleb was black seemed to me the same as casually mentioning that he was left-handed. Something a reader might want to know, but nothing that would effect the story.

I know the preface leaves a lot of questions unanswered, but that's what prefaces are for. Prefaces aren't supposed to have closure, just leave you with questions that won't be answered until somewhere in the middle of the story.

So, I'm glad I'm getting some feedback. My preferred genre is erotic horror and I'm stretching my legs a bit with some new writing styles. The tips and pointers you've given me Lying Eyes, have been extremely helpful. Thank you for the time you took in reading my story.

- Wyld -

 

[Black Tulip]

WyldKarde,

I read your story, but to be honest I found it very difficult to follow.

Some of that is probably due to grammatical errors like these:

Working for Atlas, he found that while many of the public's prejudices and fears about "dirty bookstores" were unfounded.

This is only one half of a contradiction. The second half is missing.

like telling someone that could go outside in the rain, but that "they might get wet"

It could be my less than perfect understanding of English but this reads not right.

Apart from that I found some references a bit unclear:

Whether you were e just looking around, or heading into the shadowy arcade where the peep shows were located, you had to pay a fee.

Is that fantasy or do you really have to pay to enter a shop?
If it is not real, does that mean you start the story in a fantasy world and let the main character go over in another illusion? Maybe you should add some more pointers than to make that clear to the reader.

From the first reactions of the women I understood that weakness was something of a taboo. If that is correct I think this reference later on is too casual.

"I have seen firsthand the weakness brought on by "pure" blood. Consider yourselves blessed."

I think this could be a very interesting ingredient, weakness being a taboo I mean. But it needs to be fleshed out more.

Although I found this story not very entertaining, I think the idea could be original. It is however too fragmented. If this is to be a start I need something to make me come back for more. There is no hint at what will happen next.
Your main character experiences no wonder, no anxiety, he seems to accept it all as facts of life. I miss a bit of action even if that would be inside his head.

You suggest a death which is more of a transit to another world or dimension or something, but it is too vague.

The sex scene had me trying to figure out who was where and in what position. Not sure why, but I don't think that was your objective.

I'm sorry I cannot be more positive, but this strikes me as the start of a story, not yet fully matured. Are you clear where you want to go with it?

I hope this will not result in you getting a bad mood. Maybe it was more a case of me having one.

After posting this I'll read the other comments.

Edited:
Well, I did and it seems maybe I was in a bad mood.
About Caleb being black: I disagree with that having to be told sooner but that could be a cultural difference between Europe and the US.
Something LyingEyes said has me wondering now. Is this a case of body switching? I thought it was about a person dying but instead reverting or something.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

This is obviously a very high-concept story. That is, it takes a lot of explaining for us to figure out what in the world is going on, and that’s always tough to do without just stopping the story and spelling it out for us.

I don’t think you succeeded, at least, not for me. I quickly grew bewildered at this extended discussion between Nadia and Salima about things I was totally unprepared to understand. Basically, I was looking for a quick read on where the hell he was and how he’d gotten there, and I think your reader deserves to be told as much. Probably you explain everything in a subsequent chapter, but meanwhile we’re left floundering around, not understanding a word of what they’re saying, so it all means nothing to us.

A lot of Sci Fi/fantasy stories use this device. They plop us down into the middle of the action and let us try and figure out for ourselves what’s going on. But I think most of them back-up all this exposition with a strong action sequence—a chase, for example—so that there’s something to keep us reading while we’re fed all this background. To have Caleb just sitting in bed while these women carry on about God knows what nightblades and orbs and kittens and republicans or whatever above him is kind of bewildering and very disorienting. I finally started skimming, looking for a place to stand and get my bearings. But you didn’t give me one. Finally I ran out of patience. It all went right by me.

I also wonder at the big build-up in the book store. If his getting shot is just a device to get him to this world (as it seems to be) I think that scene is far too detailed and complex. It really seemed like we were getting ready for some sort of realistic urban grit, and well into the scene in the new city I was waiting for some sort of resolution of all that business with the Old Man.

One thing that glared at me was how you unintentionally defused the tension after he got shot. At that moment, all we’re interested in is what’s happening to him, yet you throw in a paragraph befoe the section break that tells us about the security guard getting fired a week later. Then back to the story. I always think that when you get to a moment of high drama, keep things simple and keep them right there, right then, focused on what's happening. This is really when we’re into the story, when we’re dying to know what happens next, and letting your attention wander just ruins all that focus and tension.

I couldn’t help but notice that you used the name “Caleb” an awful lot, even when you could have used a pronoun. It started to grate after a while.

You also slow down the action by insisting on telling us Caleb’s reaction to everything. No one says anything or does anything without your telling us what Caleb thought of it, and that’s confusing and makes it hard to tell just what’s actually going on. In the scene with Nadia and Salima, I still don’t know if he was semi-conscious, or awake and too beat up to talk, or what. Sometimes he tries to speak, sometimes he does speak, sometimes it’s too hard to talk. It seemed like he was on the edge of sconsciousness, but he's able to entertain lusty thoughts about these women. At some point, Caleb has to become a character is the story. I don't think you can keep on filtering everything through him.

Check out this excerpt. This happens just after he sees the weird city-of-the-future outside and is baffled at where he’s at and why he isn;t dead:

The girl in the pink bowed to the one in the silver and left. It was a slight gesture, hardly a bow at all, just a mere lowering of the eyes and a demure smile. Somehow, Caleb thought that gesture made the girl even more beautiful. He wondered if the two of them were lovers. He watched the girl leave. As she walked, her robes billowed freely around her long legs. As Caleb suspected, she wasn't wearing underwear either.

Okay: this guy’s just been shot and brought back to life. He doesn’t know where the hell he is, maybe heaven, maybe outer space, and he’s all hot because he sees one of these women isn’t wearing underwear? We get too much of his thoughts and opinions, and they’re all over the place.

I know that this is the opening chapter in a longer work, but it left me so bewildered, I don’t think I’d pursue it. Really, I have no idea who any of these people are or what they're doing there

I know WyldKarde to be a very good writer, and the writing is fine for the most part. There was one place where you said something like "For a young woman, she was very young..." and when he looks out at this city (which I also found awfully cliched like something out of The Jetsons), there's something about how he'd never seen this city or even heard of it, which struck me as very odd.

In the end, though, I just found it too confusing. I wanted some answers and all I got were more questions.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

Yeah...Sci Fi isn't really my thing. With horror, I know how to juggle the elements I'm working with. I know when to catch the suspense and when to toss it in the air...I know when to pass the story from one hand to the next...I know when to let the balls fall and watch the reader flinch from the crash.

I didn't really want this to go sci-fi but that's where it ended up. I was just kinda freestyling and seeing where I could get this story to go. While I did like where it ended up (there's more chapters hanging in editorial limbo) I can see I'm going to have to gather my thoughts and write this story like the novel it wants to be, instead of the stop-and-go confusion it turned out to be. I can't look over my readers shoulder and say "It gets better once I find my rythym" so I'm going to have to haul this one in for repairs.

However, it did get me really rolling and the feedback has been encredibly helpful.

 

[Lying Eyes]

Also, I knew I wasn't coming back to his life as a porn-shop clerk, so I didn't bother to decorate it.

I think you did put alot of info on his life as a porn-shop clerk so I assumed that you were coming back to this. This disapoints me because I invisioned you coming back to this gritty world with the noble Caleb ending up here while the porn shop clerk ends up in the world with all the hot babes. Alot could be done with this if you went this way. Noble Caleb would be really confused and humiliated being in the real world expecting to be treated like royalty. You could have alot of fun with this such as nurses mocking him for expecting them to "service" him. Have him go to the porn-shop after released from the hospital and be harrased around by management that don't care he was hurt. You could add alot of humour having former porn-shop Caleb being treated like a king and noble Caleb being treated like someone insignificant for the first time in his life. I'm not saying you should write following chapters this way but this is the way I would probably go since I find it intriging. I would probably end the novel with both being shot/orbed again and returning to their own lives both as better people for experiencing the dramatic shift. Porn-shop Caleb more confident and noble Caleb more humble.

Black Tulip and others seem confused. I asumed this was a paralel universe story. These are two different worlds yet the same in some ways, if you have seen the show "Sliders" maybe you would understand the concept. In some sci-fi novels/stories astronauts get sucked through a black hole and when they pop out other side they think their home but something is different in this world and they have to go through another black hole to return to the real home. We have two Caleb's in two different worlds and in the exact moment that they are shot/orbed in a strange cosmic shift they switch minds. So it is sort of a body switching but its the same body on different worlds. Sort of the "freaky friday" movie and "Sliders" show combined. Now these two Caleb's while physicaly the same would most likly have different character traits since they live in different enviroments. This what I found the most apealing about the situation. Well that's my take on what happened, maybe Wyldkard had intended something else.

 

[Guest]

I knew I wanted to swap worlds, but I only had a storyline envisioned for one of the Calebs. This was my first hint that my little short story wanted to be more than a little short story. I had two characters with rich lives and both of them had stories to tell. The piecemeal form of storytelling I experimented with simply didn't work. Each bite was bigger than I could chew. I couldn't go from beginning-middle-end over and over again with each chapter. I'm not really upset about this. It just means that my idea has grown and now I've gotta catch up to it.

I'm reworking this one right now. I've got plans for both Calebs, a fully integrated storyline and with that, I don't have to rush. I've also fleshed out the fantasy world so there won't be any more jarring scenes where Caleb looks out of the window of a persian palace and sees a scene from Blade Runner. I was gonna do something with a war between technology and magic-users, but my characters turned out to be more interesting than any of that.

 

[MLyons]

Hi WyldKarde,

I've been seeing good reports about your stories around the forum. This will be the first work of yours I've read.

Since you didn't leave any specific questions to be answered, I'll just give you my long-winded stream of concsiousness impressions, for whatever use they might be. I read both chapters of the story, and found it quite interesting. I have to admit though, that although the preface was certainly an intriguing read, it did almost nothing for me on an erotic level, even at the end. I'm not sure what it was... perhaps the "prim and properness" of it all, along with a lot of hinting with no real explanation just left me more desperate to know what the heck was going on than in getting any pleasure out of the sex taking place. That's not to say, though, that you are required to have everything be about sex all the time, of course. Obviously your intnetion is to explore much more than just that, and truth be told, this is a very ambitious tale. It's much more of a bite than I would dare to take, I must say--but that's not saying much.

Obviously because of that there's a fair amount of exposition to get out of the way, making the preface a bit more of a bland, but necessary step in the process.

That said, the second chapter, and the sex between Rosaline and Caleb really had me going nicely. There were some simply exquisite descriptions there:

The tendons in her neck went from taut to relaxed and back again as she stretched to reach the clay bottle filled with cinnamon-scented oil.

Her breath mingled with his inside of both their mouths and the sensation was incredible.

and,

Caleb had no words for how good it felt. His eyes were clenched so tightly shut that tears pressed from the corners. His cock throbbed inside of her. He tried to thrust into her, but he was floating in the water. The bottom of the tub couldn't be felt at his back and there was nothing to push against. He could only lie there as Rosalina clutched him and drew him into her like breath.

WOW... excellent stuff--simply fnatastic and visceral imagery that helped show the encounter as much more meaningful than it might have been if these two had really been strangers. And your flare for setting, and continuity of action is breathtaking. I really could see, and feel what these people were engaging in. The encounter with Raven was similarly rife with vivid imagery, although again for some reason it didn't appeal to me as much as Rosaline and Caleb's encounter.

In any case, I really really think that alot of what I didn't find particularly interesting, or arousing is a matter of personal taste. The environment was just so clean, and beautiful, so calm and orderly that it didn't seem conducive to what I normally like to see in an erotic encounter, and I think that really had alot to do with my overall lack of interest in most of the sex. These didn't seem like real people to me, and I'm simply unable to identify with Caleb's situation--most probably because he's having trouble identifying with his situation himself.

I'm really feeling self-conscious about saying too much about the sexual aspects of your story, though, since I might be overlooking what you're truly going after--meaning a plot that you might intend to overshadow the sex, and I don't mean to belittle that at all, it's just simply not my primary focus when I read a story on Literotica.

I suppose I feel that the world that Caleb is in now just feels too stuffy, and in a way, stereotypical as a utopian futuristic existence. Although I'm sure it's not utopian for all, it certainly seems to be for whoever Caleb has replaced in this world, and that takes away alot of the... grit, the naughtiness, the mystery and sometimes even shame of what generates sexual tension and arousal for me--my biases peaking through once again.

Ok... I've rambled on far too long, and I have a feeling I might have missed the whole point of your story, or not given you the feedback you desired. I'll shut up now and leave it at that. I did find a few typos, however. I'm not very good at catching typos, so there might be more, but I thought I'd point out what I did find.

Typos:

"He pretty much looked homeless, lake many of the customers Caleb saw come through those doors. However, he always bought five dollars worth of tokens, usually paid for with a crisp, new twenty." -- lake = like?

"Caleb doubted it would have been any different if she told Nadia that he wouldn't live though the night." -- though = through?

"Caleb listened to the two women gasping and moaning as they rose him." -- rose = rode?

Part 2 Typos:

"Caleb's hands slipped up and down on Raven's body, his even tried to dig his nails into her but found his fingernails were all perfectly manicured and trimmed so low as to prevent him from so much as raising a weal on her skin." his = he?

I hope I made sense and didn't make a fool of myself... As usual, take what you will, and ignore as you please.


EDITED: After reading others comments
Yup... boy everyone else gave some really nice feedback. Rumple had a great point about the wordiness. I felt this too, but had trouble putting my finger on it. I agree with alot of what everyone else said also.

 

[hiddenself]

Nice llittle story. I was wondering how your efforts (one a week, if I remember correctly?) were coming along.

You are a skilled writer. You have a vision and a voice. Hey, that's all the compliments you'll get for now.

The "Preface" was sort of unsatisfying. Too many new or alien things and too little explanation for my taste. But it does whet my appetite.

I would have prefered less chatter between the girls. I understand you are trying to set the stage via the dialogue rather than a boring narrative, but I don't think you've completely succeeded.

The racial stuff that you threw in was a bit much. I would have preferred some hint of it now, a briefer exchange. Just a bit now -- add on to it later. As it stands now, it's obvious you have the women talking for the readers' benefit. It seems fake.

I also had trouble with consistency of characters. Too many changes and too fast. Nadia is jealous but turns around pretty easily, doesn't she?

Also, no matter what the habits of this strange world are, and his status as a "hero" notwithstanding, he's half dead -- you'd think that they'd give him at least one night of peace to recover, no? It's just too over the top for me. I think the sex scene at that stage is forced.

Some additional editing would have definitely helped here:

Working for Atlas, he found that while many of the public's prejudices and fears about "dirty bookstores" were unfounded. He'd also discovered that what many people believed about places like Atlas Books were accurate in the extreme. Half of the bookstores clientele...

Huh? Unfounded or accurate?
Bookstore's

"You don't listen to the scribes much anymore do you?"
"I've been in training for the past four years. I haven't seen a scribe since this morning."

I have no clue what you're trying to say here.

... lake many of the customers...
This kids eyes...
Caleb could read the kids mind...

Particular trouble with possessives?


All in all, though, I liked it. I'm a sucker for fantasy and you do a good job. I'll read more.

 

[hiddenself]

OK. Now I've read Ch1 as well and I am disappointed. This is no story. It's simply an excuse to write a couple of sex scenes.

You are talented enough to not have to resort to the easy out. The story should be the center, not the sex. The sex without the story is boring.

Ch1 did not give me absolutely anything new about this universe or the central characters. You simply introduced two new generic dolls and did not add anything about the 5-6 characters that made an appearance in the first instaallment. Two repeat sex scenes and it was over.

It was annoying. And pointless.

 

[Guest]

Hmmm, interesting take hiddenself.

While I will admit that this story is in desperate need of an editorial overhaul and more than a little restructuring, I don't know that it would be classified as pointless.

I can see that the second part clearly didn't give you what you were looking for, which was a broader view of the fantasy world. This would have been a personal choice on my part. The fantasy world is not what drives the story, it's the characters, so I wrote a scene that introduced two characters (both of them integral to the story, but that's speaking as the guy who knows how it's going to end) and I focused in on my main character.

Not that I claim rousing success in achieving this goal, but the purpose was to sort of flesh out where Caleb was and the society in which he found himself. Sex (I hope this much did come across) is handled differently in this world and because it's such a large part of it, I felt compelled to show a little of that in this chapter.

Instead of dialogue, I tried showing the women's personalities
through their approach to sex. This was an experiment and
probably didn't work. Especially with the piece being in need of editing as it was.

All in all, I think the second chapter fulfilled it's purpose of advancing the story and bringing the reader closer to the characters. Granted, the second piece is in need of work, as is the first, but I consider it an improvement on what I started in the first chapter.

In any event, it's unfortunate that this story failed to live up to your expectations. Check back and see if the edits do anything along the way of solving some of the problems you've had with it.

 

[Omni]

I took a while thinking about this one. Your writing engrossed me. It reminded me of a few times reading writers on Literotica where I have gotten excited. Not sexual ~lol. But, over the seeds of talent.

But, there is always a but, HUH. I was trying to figure out why after the writing so captured me I was still dissatisfied. I think it comes down to the fact you were not sure at all where your story was going and in writing it you were searching around. So while the writing is very good, the plot has an aimless feeling in ways of half formed directions possibly hinted at but not with enough confidence that I as a reader felt ahhhh, this is where he is going.

At first I thought part of it was the change from the first part (which is the best part) to dialog, and then to the sex. Each part in the story, the dialog, then the sex getting less satisfying.

The dialog while decently done in form etc could have given us and Caleb so much more insight into what was going on. In the vagueness of the dialog I thought you were simply starting down the road to the gratuitous sex that you put into this part of the story. Which in the end I think was my problem with it. I think instead of taking the seeds of what can be a very good story you felt you HAD to get sex in there, within 2 lit pages and so you threw aside some natural progression to a story to toss in some sex. Ahh, what Lit is all about we must get the sex in, even if it does not exactly fit.

So in feeling so compelled to "get" that sex in there it seems you have slighted your story to me. First off I as a reader found it very hard to believe that with descriptions you gave of Caleb being disabled and so weak, he could be capable of having sex. Next, why in the heck with a man so injured would these women be thinking he needed sex or wanted sex so badly.

Anyway, my point is this is the first chapter in a long piece, I take it and I do not think a writer here has to always feel compelled to get sex in each part and lose the integrity of the plot by doing so. One of the better stories on Lit by Riven Caulfield, in first two or three excellent chapters, that captivated many readers on Lit, never had sex in it.

Another thing I would like to commend you on, is length. I applaud all authors of fictional erotica who go for length in their stories as I believe there is not enough of it and the future in actually publishing and marketing erotica to paying customers will have to be erotic stories of length. So the more we see of it, and the more we press for it, the better the chances for erotic writers to publish in the future.


Omni

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Wyld,

Interesting story, to say the least. Sorry I was so late at reading it and getting back to you. In some ways I am kind of glad as it allowed me to read the Preface along with Ch1 together.

You realy have placed quite a twist into a fictional tale. I like the way the bronx feel goes into a more or less Matrix moment giving way to "Starwars meets Caligula" holding onto the Gulivers travel of unbelievability in the characters mind.
I can see so many traits of excellent, almost references of the coolest fictional moments happening as the story unfolds.

I am not a fan of sci-fi stories, so to be honest I had started this story several times never getting past the second paragraph.
I think the name Caleb had a lot to do with it. Some how it just makes me think of Superman's father, and in other ways I think Celeb. as if that isn't enough to gag me.
I will admit though after getting into the story the name fits the character really well. Seing how he is a supposed hero, and quite the noble celeberty. Along with this Orb thingy that seems to represent Kryptonite.

I won't beat the dead horse. I agree with many of the things mentioned above. Take that however you wish.

One mention from above: is I knew from the forums your color. That set me thinking immediate that your character was a black man. I can see the point this story would really be hindered if I thought it was a white man only to find out it was not.

Things that need some help: Sex scenes; I am still trying to figure out, when they go from hands, to lips, to pussy. I think it was exciting I know Caleb held a hip or two but these must be angels as they have no real moment of position change. That goes for the Preface and Ch1.

Caleb thinks too much. He needs to stop refering to himself as well. His thoughts are as if he is talking to himself outloud so the listner will get the inside joke.

Ok Ch1 was not so bad when read in unison with the preface. It made it almost like there was a story there.
The titles are wrong though. The Preface is Ch1 and the Ch1 is Ch2. Ch1/preface is not a preface it is the actual begining. Yes it brings the reader into how we got here, but it does not stop. It is Ch1.

Second problem with Ch1 who the hell are the characters? Yes I just accepted you changed them after a while, but the first section made no sense tied with the preface chapter. It was like watching a "Dallas" episode when they tried changing Miss Ellie for a different person, "It just didn't fit."
I want some semblance of what I know to be tying the chapters together. I was lost and that craped on the whole image building in my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
quote
"Lord Synder," Raven said uneasily, "is the man who ordered your assassination."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe this is a fitional world, but Why end a Chapter that did little to nothing to push the story ahead other than Caleb admiting he knows nothing. With such an absurd thing as meeting the one who supposedly is the enemy in a casual, yet reverent authoritive way? I can see "Star Wars" all over this. Still it makes no sense, you should have added why they have to meet.
In my opinion this ending set up many readers to not come back to see what happens in the next Ch. Verses trying to make a cliff hanger that makes readers look for your next post.

Such as it may be I would also have made the Ch longer. If this is a Novella. Give us something to read don't tease us with bits, and pieces. I want to sit down and read. I should feel like I actally have read some content in each chapter making it worth while to read next months posting. Right now I honestly read both sections, and it was less than I would expect. From one Ch, for content and tangable progression in the story. Next Ch move the story! or you will loose another reader.

Over all it is a fantastic little psycho mind trip. I could actually get into the plot, though difficult to follow at times. I could feel the situation, the strange reality, the perception reality is not always real. The story is really good entertaining and makes one thing hard of the possibilities 4th dimentional. I really could have enjoyed the story better with out the sex. Kill the sex and it was worth wanting to read more. Please place more effort toward the sex or just remove it all together. The idea that females just boink or want to boink a guy who is ill because he is ???? whatever status is just killing the story. Not to mention the hand job. Whoa! What happened she is now fucking him? scenes.

Good story, but you are way better than the effort put into it. Shame cause I don't like many fictional stories. I liked this idea, getting cought up into it. I hope you will tweak it better in the next chapter.

Phil

 

[Guest]

Thanks Phildo. You've crystalized a lot of things that I'm trying to fix in my edit.

The first problem I'll be solving is simply the length of the story. The story tries to do more than I'm allowing it to do in the small space I'm giving it. I only hint at things that, while full-fledged in my mind, are just snatches of info to a reader.

I usually don't submit a first draft to lit, but this time I'm glad I did. I probably would have grown bored with this story and tossed it. Now I'm starting to see things that I didn't see before.

As for the sex, it's cramped and rushed too. When the story is allowed to stretch it's legs and the characters are given more depth, the sex scenes (like all of the character interractions) should look more natural and smooth.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Well you better at least write the next chapter. I don't normally read stories with chapters in fear they never get finished. Unless each chapter is a completed story.

cool story!

 

[psychocatblah]

I'm not sure if I'm hopelessly late on this thread or not, or if some of the things that were in earlier posts have been fixed, but I didn't see loads of grammatical issues and I certainly wasn't any more confused than I think I'm intended to be.

I actually found the chapter to be well written and well-thought out. To me it does entice me to read further about this world, I feel like the dialogue gives me a good frame of reference of what this world is like, although it certainly doesn't answer ALL questions, and it shouldn't.

I didn't think the sex was cramped, really. I wouldn't expect that an injured person would have too many tricks up their sleeves. Although if I were to change anything about that... I'd have to wonder how many times a porn clerk got to have a threesome, maybe he'd be a bit more surprised by it? Although, if he still thinks it's a dream... maybe not. It's not a huge issue in my mind.

Knowing that this is a longer work in progress, I would say that this is a really good first chapter to get people hooked to keep on reading.

Although there is this sentence, which was pointed out earlier... but...

Working for Atlas, he found that while many of the public's prejudices and fears about "dirty bookstores" were unfounded.

...while many of the public's prejudices and fears about "dirty bookstores" were unfounded... what? Many of them weren't? Or just take out the word "while."

I see what the others are saying about the dialogue seeming staged, but it doesn't bother me overmuch. You have to get this information out, and a pamphlet for, "So you're new to this world" would just be silly.

The race thing was maybe a smidge heavy-handed but it didn't really annoy me. I think it sets the Darklighter house as being different and makes for interesting upcoming conflicts later. And historically inbreeding was a problem within royal houses. *shrugs*