Grassroot Disc: Shy Azn, 9-20-04, SDC common queue

[Pure]

Shy says,

I've decided to be brave enought submit my story: "Office Hours" for discussion:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162019

Concerns:
1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

 

[MLyons]

Hi there Shy Azn,

I gave your story a quick couple of reads. Let me see if I can give you some useful comments.

First of all it's an interesting story, and has some nice writing in it. It's clear and easy to read, and you have some nice descriptions peppered throughout the prose. I enjoy that you've taken a somewhat stock set up and enlivened it with some characters of more depth than we often see in stories of this type. Definitely a fine first effort.

I'll start with your questions, since that might help me to focus on what kind of critique you're looking for and give me an idea of what you were trying to achieve.

1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

Hm. Too plot-oriented/long? I think that really depends on your intent with the story. The Lit audience is a diverse group to say the least. For some it will be too much plot and not enough sex, for others it'll be not enough plot, and for still others, it'll be just right. Speaking from a purely personal point of view, the answer is no. It's not too plot-oriented or too long. In fact, I could have done with a little more. I think "realism" is an equally sticky proposition in fiction. The term itself is really kind of misleading. Stories can be termed "realistic" when they set up rules and follow them. Setting up rules can be as complex as establishing that we're 200 years in the future and the technology has advanced to such a point that many things we thought impossible before are now common place, or it can be as subtle as giving clues of an environment where the rules of real experience in the modern world reign supreme.

Regardless of what rules we set up, or what environment our characters are going to play in, it has to be made clear to us, the reader, that the characters are acting like humans would act given their situation, their backgrounds and their environment. That's equally true for a fantastical sex world, as it is for a purely realistic portrayal of ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances.

For me, your story seems to fall somewhere in between. When I read it, I can't get over the fact that this kind of set up is inherently lopsided (unless extraordinary circumstances exist, which are not presented in your story). The Professor, by offering help to Emily's academic standing in exhcnage for her having sex with him is taking advantage of her. He's in a position of power, and she is in a position of weakness. There's nothing to indicate that Emily is taking or really has any control here. She simply let's him do what he wants, and even though he's a particularly nice guy about it (getting her off, etc.) he's still the one in control. Now don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. I quite LIKE lopsided sexual power situations myself, but when I read your story, I get the sense that you were trying to create something more mutual. When I run through your story in my mind, a number of things don't make sense:

Emily is in trouble. She's spread herself too thin at school, and she's about to graduate. She doesn't want to fail any classes, and she doesn't have the money to return for another semester if she did. She is therefore in a position of great weakness, and is willing to have sex with her advisor, her Professor in order to get out of the jam. It's gravy that she happens to be attracted to her professor, but that doesn't put her in any less of a weak position. Meanwhile, Larry is an older gentlemen. He's got two kids and, presumably, a wife. Emily comes in asking for help, and Larry supposedly likes Emily. Unfortunately, he doesn't like Emily enough to simply help her, he still wants a sexual payment in exchange for helping her--which for whatever reason is something she's not only willing to do, but in some ways is eager for it. He licks her out. He has sex with her, and at the end, she's made to hide under a desk while his supervisor comes around knocking. Yet, and this is my big problem with the story, after all this, Emily is taking it all in stride. She's even falling more for him than she was before. To me, this guy is a scumbag. And what makes him even MORE of a scumbag is that he's ACTING as if he isn't a scumbag--like this kind of thing is done all the time, and sex is a perfectly acceptable payment for good grades as long as he does his job and makes the girl feel good.

By the end of the story I wanted to see Emily in conflict. I wanted to see how cheap he just made her feel--even if Larry doesn't realize it. The last thing that makes sense to me is that this incident is the beginning of a mutual relationship.

That was my reaction to the events and characters in your story as it's written. HOWEVER, that's NOT to say that Emily and Larry couldn't have a real relationship. Although there's still some inherent unbalance between them, it's certainly beleivable that Emily might become infatuated with her Professor. It's believable that Larry would be attracted to Emily and act on that. HOWEVER, the way this particular story is set up, and the blatant handling of this in a sex-for-grades from the outset kind of way makes the development of that kind of relationship all but impossible in my eyes.

Again, I'm not entirely clear on what you're going for here. Both of the scenerios I mentioned have their merits, and could make for good stories, but your story isn't being true to either of them. I think, and this is just me, that in your story, Emily might very well be attracted to Larry, but I can't imagine her capitluating to his whims like this without SOME kind of conflict going through her mind. Even if it's only at the end... Where is Emily's disappointment and feeings of cheapness? Where are Larry's feelings of regret and disgust with himself for what he's just done? Is what's really happened just fine and dandy with both of them? Oddly, the interjections of these kinds of emotion into the story can amazingly ENHANCE the sexual tension and hotness of the story if they're incorporated well enough.

In terms of realism and characterization, then, THAT is what I was missing.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

Again, it depends on your intent. I think it's nice the way it is, actually. As a pure sex scene it has some nice, real moments that interrupt the flow of idealism beautifully and somehow enhance what's going on. The only major problem I had with the sex was the set up that got us there, but that's covered in depth above. For the set up, the sex seems too tender, too idealized for me, even with the occasional awkward moments you've thrown in. In that way the sex scene and the story you've created around it (while both interesting and workable of themselves) just don't seem to go hand in hand. To get back to your question, though, I think it COULD be more pornographic as it were (meaning descriptive of the tiny events and interactions during the sex), if you wanted it to be. I'd certainly appreciate that from a personal standpoint, but it doesn't necessarily need to be

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

Well, alot of what I thought I've already stated, but once again, I want to be careful to make clear that you have to decide what you INTENDED to write before taking too many of our comments to heart. You may have wanted to explore that complex line between unbalanced power in sexual relationships and juxtapose it with truly mutual tenderness and caring, and that's perfectly legitimate. To me it seems like a tricky bag and you fell short a little bit. On the other hand, you may have intended for a simple, hot, erotic couplings story between a professor and his student. In which case, I would suggest you tweak your set up a tad--moving it away from the land of sexual favors, and into the land of infatuation, attraction, admiration, perhaps even dissollusionment in the case of the Professor's married life and what Emily might represent in terms of renewed vitality for him... etc. Beyond that though, there's some really nice writing here. You have a capacity for easy flow, a solid grasp on language and grammar and an eye for sexual situations. I did detect a little stiffness in the dialogue on occasion, but it wasn't anything that caused too much trouble for me. Just for clarity's sake, here are a couple examples:

"Professor, as we've discussed, I'm in big trouble. It's not that I don't enjoy your class or that I'm not trying, it's just that--"

The "as we discussed" part, seems stiff to me. It doesn't feel natural, and probabbly could be cut.

"I'm willing to do anything, Professor, anything. Extra office hours, a tutor, take an incomplete grade and I can make up the work later." Words began to tumble out of my mouth. "I need to graduate. I can't afford tuition for another year or even another semester." As I spoke, he leaned forward and stared at me.

"Anything?" he whispered, so softly that I was almost sure that I had misheard. I nodded, unable to break my gaze away from his eyes. Again, he smiled, and I saw his dimples appear on his boyish face. Suddenly, he drew back and leaned against the back of his chair, contemplating me.

I wasn't sure what to do or say, but then I saw what had been previously unnoticed by me. A noticeable bulge appeared in his khaki pants, which he made no movement to hide. I glanced at his face, which had a predatory look in his eyes. "I think an oral examination, Ms. Satori, will do."

Time seemed to freeze. Well, I did say anything.

This just seems very cliche to me... not that I'm not guilty of it myself, mind you. But the "I'll do anything" dialogue has been done so many times, that you really have to create a unique situation and express it in fresh ways in order for it not undermine the story--especially when you're going for depth of character and believable situations. It's not that the sentiment doesn't work exactly, it's the stock, "I'll do anything." followed by "Anything?" execution that bothers me. And the "I think an oral examination, Ms. Satori, will do." was really the first time I was eye-rollingly taken out of the realism of the story. That line read like bad porn, and it wasn't in line with the rest of your more refined prose and ideas.

Ok. That's enough I think. If you need clarification or have further questions, I'll be happy to answer them. As I always say, please read this and take what you want from it, leaving the rest behind. I'm just one guy with his own opinions and have my own biases and faults. Lord knows, my writing has it's own problems--not the least of which include some of the things I've criticised you on here. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story in the Story Discussion Circle, and I hope you continue writing. It's always nice to have new people around!

 

[impressive]

Hi, Shy.

First off, let me say that I found it well written. No glaring errors of spelling/grammar. Nice paragraph length, too.

I'll get right to your questions, then I'll share any spare thoughts afterward.

1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

Definitely NOT. A full Lit page is a nice length for me. While there is plenty of lengthier material here, for online reading I prefer 1-2 Lit pages (3 max). More than that and I feel the need to copy/paste it into Word and print it out -- which I'm too lazy to do when I've ample print reading material on hand already.

The plot is a common one, but realistic in the sense that it happens frequently -- with wildly varying tone (tough/tender). Your tone is a good bit more "mutual" than others I've read, and that's fine.

The first place I hiccuped was with Emily's sexy underwear. Obviously, she chose them thinking that sex was an option -- yet she seems surprised by Larry's "Anything?" response and by his bulge. It'd be interesting to know what Emily hoped Larry would ask her to do in return for her grade. Did she, consciously or subconsciously, want him to want sex? When did she admit this to herself? Could she have really kicked ass on the final paper & exam and not NEEDED his favors after all? Was it a pretense to get close to him? If you're going for mutuality here, I'd want to know these things.

The second hiccup was that she'd "never done this before." Done what? At first, I thought you meant that she'd never bonked one of her professors before -- but then I realized you meant intercourse. A senior in college -- in sexy underwear -- and not anticipating intercourse? Even if I believed the virginity part, the naivete required too much of a leap for me.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

I enjoyed reading the story, but I was not aroused. I'll admit that I was a bit distracted by the frequent use of the word "gently" to the point that I began to count -- and that lessened the erotic impact.

I liked the part about Emily having to keep quiet, and I'd have liked to see her struggle a bit more with that.

I don't need the D/s or control thing to make this hot for me -- I just need to believe it. Larry is single. Emily, we assume, is as well. (If not, where's her torment?) Sure, they can go at it with mutual gusto -- especially if we come to realize that they're BOTH using the grade as an excuse to get over the "taboo" of a professor/student relationship (and she won't be his student for much longer anyway).

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

The dialog was slightly stiff -- but not distractingly so. Best advice I've received is to read it aloud. If it sounds natural to your character, you're fine.

You mentioned that this could be the start of a series. I think it would take something major to happen in one or both of their lives to maintain any sexual tension once Emily graduates. Now, if Larry doesn't follow through on the grade and Emily has to stay in school -- perhaps -- but that shoots your mutuality unless you develop a real D/s relationship.

Anyway, that's my $0.02, FWIW.

Thanks for posting your story -- and for caring enough about it (and about Lit) to pursue constructive criticism.

Imp

 

[ShyAzn]

Whew. I wanted feedback, and did I get it. Here goes.

First of all it's an interesting story, and has some nice writing in it. It's clear and easy to read, and you have some nice descriptions peppered throughout the prose. I enjoy that you've taken a somewhat stock set up and enlivened it with some characters of more depth than we often see in stories of this type. Definitely a fine first effort.

Yay! Thank you for a more detailed comment as opposed to "Very hot." Not that I don't like those, but that doesn't really help me improve my writing...

<snipped>

For me, your story seems to fall somewhere in between. When I read it, I can't get over the fact that this kind of set up is inherently lopsided (unless extraordinary circumstances exist, which are not presented in your story). The Professor, by offering help to Emily's academic standing in exhcnage for her having sex with him is taking advantage of her. He's in a position of power, and she is in a position of weakness. There's nothing to indicate that Emily is taking or really has any control here. She simply let's him do what he wants, and even though he's a particularly nice guy about it (getting her off, etc.) he's still the one in control. Now don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. I quite LIKE lopsided sexual power situations myself, but when I read your story, I get the sense that you were trying to create something more mutual.

Yes, the relationship is lopsided, but I was intending for Emily to use her weaker position. She's not really in control, and doesn't know what's going to happen she walks in that door. Perhaps the relationship appeared to be made more mutual, but maybe the good professor just wants to use her for more sex. We are seeing this from her point of view, so perhaps she sees what she wants to see, hence the potential for a more mutual and equal relationship.

He licks her out. He has sex with her, and at the end, she's made to hide under a desk while his supervisor comes around knocking. Yet, and this is my big problem with the story, after all this, Emily is taking it all in stride

I'm not sure what you mean by taking it all in stride. To me, I was hoping I conveyed her confusion and disarray. She's infatuated with Larry, after all, and does still want him to grant her some slack. She's caught up in the emotions of the moment. At the end, when reality rears its head, she's too emotionally overwhelmed by what has happened to really form any coherent thoughts--hence, why she flees his office.

By the end of the story I wanted to see Emily in conflict. I wanted to see how cheap he just made her feel--even if Larry doesn't realize it. The last thing that makes sense to me is that this incident is the beginning of a mutual relationship.

<snip>

Where is Emily's disappointment and feeings of cheapness? Where are Larry's feelings of regret and disgust with himself for what he's just done? Is what's really happened just fine and dandy with both of them?

Well...I was hoping to save the angst for the sequel. Perhaps I shouldn't have. Although again, I thought by ending it where it was, it ends on a note of confusion for Emily. She can't really thinks straight when she leaves his office.

Well, alot of what I thought I've already stated, but once again, I want to be careful to make clear that you have to decide what you INTENDED to write before taking too many of our comments to heart.

Thanks for that. I think my uncertainty comes from the fact that it's my first story, and it just ended up writing itself, if that makes sense. Geez, in some ways this is like writing a term paper. Flippancy aside, I think I understand where you're coming from.

You may have wanted to explore that complex line between unbalanced power in sexual relationships and juxtapose it with truly mutual tenderness and caring, and that's perfectly legitimate. To me it seems like a tricky bag and you fell short a little bit. On the other hand, you may have intended for a simple, hot, erotic couplings story between a professor and his student.

Aw, can't I have both? It was tricky, though.

"Professor, as we've discussed, I'm in big trouble. It's not that I don't enjoy your class or that I'm not trying, it's just that--"

The "as we discussed" part, seems stiff to me. It doesn't feel natural, and probabbly could be cut.

I thought it might have been something Emily had been rehearsing on her rush to the office, or, she had emailed Larry to set up this fateful appointment, which is why I stuck that in there.

"I'm willing to do anything, Professor, anything. Extra office hours, a tutor, take an incomplete grade and I can make up the work later." Words began to tumble out of my mouth. "I need to graduate. I can't afford tuition for another year or even another semester." As I spoke, he leaned forward and stared at me.

"Anything?" he whispered, so softly that I was almost sure that I had misheard. I nodded, unable to break my gaze away from his eyes. Again, he smiled, and I saw his dimples appear on his boyish face. Suddenly, he drew back and leaned against the back of his chair, contemplating me.

<snip>

This just seems very cliche to me... not that I'm not guilty of it myself, mind you. But the "I'll do anything" dialogue has been done so many times, that you really have to create a unique situation and express it in fresh ways in order for it not undermine the story--especially when you're going for depth of character and believable situations. It's not that the sentiment doesn't work exactly, it's the stock, "I'll do anything." followed by "Anything?" execution that bothers me

Yeah, this was a problematic part for me. After I posted it, I looked it over and thought this was probably the weakest part of the story. I have no reply to this really, I didn't like it myself.

And the "I think an oral examination, Ms. Satori, will do." was really the first time I was eye-rollingly taken out of the realism of the story. That line read like bad porn, and it wasn't in line with the rest of your more refined prose and ideas.

Ouch! I was wounded badly until I read the last few words of that section. I can't say I've seen too much porn, so I wouldn't know. Besides, I thought it went with the whole academic setting. Obviously it didn't work for everyone.

EDIT: Somewhere you wrote about Larry being married (perhaps that's why you see him as such a scumbag?), but he's divorced in my story. I don't want him to be too much of a scumbag.

Thanks so much for your comments! I really do appretiate them!

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Imp! (I hope that's ok since you signed it as such...)

<snipped for brevity>

The first place I hiccuped was with Emily's sexy underwear. Obviously, she chose them thinking that sex was an option -- yet she seems surprised by Larry's "Anything?" response and by his bulge. It'd be interesting to know what Emily hoped Larry would ask her to do in return for her grade. Did she, consciously or subconsciously, want him to want sex? When did she admit this to herself? Could she have really kicked ass on the final paper & exam and not NEEDED his favors after all? Was it a pretense to get close to him? If you're going for mutuality here, I'd want to know these things

Good points all around. That's probably my least favorite passage, and I realize I could expanded more. I guess I sacrificed some character development/plot to get down to the nitty gritty, although these are certainly legitimate points. I had hoped that her desperation re: her grades came across in the fact that she was just too overworked to do well enough. However, the wanting sex part is treading a fine line. Maybe she does want him to, but she can't know if he wants it too. As MLyons said above, he's in a position of power in this situation, so perhaps he'd just want to use her.

The second hiccup was that she'd "never done this before." Done what? At first, I thought you meant that she'd never bonked one of her professors before -- but then I realized you meant intercourse. A senior in college -- in sexy underwear -- and not anticipating intercourse? Even if I believed the virginity part, the naivete required too much of a leap for me.

I can see my uncertainty shows here. At the time I hadn't decided on exactly how much experience Emily has. She's never tried to seduce a professor before, which is what I suppose is what she meant by her comment, but it didn't quite come across. But then I guess that would be a rather stupid line to have in there. Hmm.

I enjoyed reading the story, but I was not aroused. I'll admit that I was a bit distracted by the frequent use of the word "gently" to the point that I began to count -- and that lessened the erotic impact.

Darn. I failed in that aspect with one reader. Must consult thesarus more often.

I don't need the D/s or control thing to make this hot for me -- I just need to believe it. Larry is single. Emily, we assume, is as well. (If not, where's her torment?) Sure, they can go at it with mutual gusto -- especially if we come to realize that they're BOTH using the grade as an excuse to get over the "taboo" of a professor/student relationship (and she won't be his student for much longer anyway).

I didn't really want to do a control type of story--there are quite a few of those on Lit. I wanted more of a mutual type of relationship, which you seem to see. However, I think the grade thing is a problem, for as MLyons said, Larry does hold the power in this relationship. He could keep Emily from graduating and pulling her on a leash for more sex.

The dialog was slightly stiff -- but not distractingly so. Best advice I've received is to read it aloud. If it sounds natural to your character, you're fine.

Rrrgh. Do you have any examples? Is it stiff, or is it awkward? There are some points where I intended it to be awkward, but not stiff...

<snip>
I think it would take something major to happen in one or both of their lives to maintain any sexual tension once Emily graduates. Now, if Larry doesn't follow through on the grade and Emily has to stay in school -- perhaps -- but that shoots your mutuality unless you develop a real D/s relationship.

No, I intend to have more of a mutual relationship, although I don't see why there has to be sexual tension...if I understand your meaning correctly. I'm a little leery of the 'something major' because that gives me visions of soap operas.

Anyway, thanks for the input! I really appretiate you taking the time to write!

 

[Pure]

Hi Shy,

Welcome, and I'm glad you took the plunge.

It's a decent first effort at softish porn, and has its moments. Probably the undressing is hotter than the sex.

It's curiously old fashioned, in parts, such as the word 'manhood.'

There's a definite romantic element, in that you seem to go out of your way to make the guy attractive and appealing.

A few specific comments:

The writing isn't bad, but does get awkward at times.

I wasn't sure what to do or say, but then I saw what had been previously unnoticed by me.

I glanced at his face, which had a predatory look in his eyes.

a few errors:

large freshmen seminars

Time seemed to freeze. Well, I did say anything.

I did say 'anything.'

----
As to your questions, briefly:

1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

No, not too much plot. Indeed it's a formula.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

It's a bit shy. Lacking in detail.

Gently, his hands lifted my thighs until they rested on his shoulders. Then the hands moved so his fingers, strong from typing up all those emails to students, began to work on my clit. Larry pressed directly on it, and I started, being too sensitive in that area. His fingers lessened the pressure but worked languid circles around it, while his tongue gently flicked in and out, tasting my juices.

You have to make an oral sex scene stand out from the thousands of others. Try, for instance, to involve all the senses.

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

I think your effort can overcome the obvious problems which are to do with length (short), formula, plot, and character. I'd say the story has not been revised much; the editing is so-so.

There appears to be only one character, Emily. The prof is an ideal figure, Mr. AttractiveGentleandInLust for our girl.

Some points about her seem unclear. From one standpoint, she should be innocent. But you give some clues as to planning, including in para one:

I needed to convince him, in any way possible.

If she's really decided on 'sex' for a grade, you have to do other things to make it interesting, e.g., she gets more than she bargained for, i.e. fucked up the ass by the prof's dick and his mistress's strapon.

She definitely has a 'romantic' motive, and this conflicts with the sex-for-grades project: I.e., if it's sex for grades, why is she romanticizing the encounter, as opposed to "His tongue did its job, and I came; I was a bit embarrassed, but glad it was over."

On the other hand, she could be an innocent ensnared, as the classic plot goes. There's a reason for innocence: to make the character have some surprises and upsets. You'd have to make *that innocence* come through more strongly. Innocent frosh girls don't always enjoy getting oral sex, like that. In all, she seems very comfortable with everything--definitely nonvirginal, and rather experienced. Again, somehow, there isn't much surprise, after it's clear he'll lick her. If she's a 'limited innocent,' she could be surprised, say, by finding his finger sliding up her ass.

In short, is she an 'operator' used to whoring? Is she somewhat experienced, and a seeker of romance? Is she quite innocent?

It takes some work to make the second alternative interesting.

So, in part because of limited words on the matter, I find her character unclear.. *Mostly* it sounds like she's looking for romance, and possibly sees the sex that way. (The mistake some women make on a first date with sex.) It's hard to convey this in the first person, unless you make it more obvious, as in, he comes on her face and tosses her a roll of toilet paper to wipe it off and she smiles and thinks, "He's so attentive."

In the third person, you could say, Emily left the office glowing, and dreaming of their next meeting. Professor X buzzed his secretary: "Is Amanda here for her appt? Send her in."

To conclude: A reasonable, if brief effort, and with less 'shyness' you have possibilities as a writer. Incidentally the story does have some charm in being apparently written by a woman. That could make the sex very hot, for male readers, if you follow it up. BUT the romanticism of the story counteracts that, and the end result is a more female-appealing story, imo. Your strength: IMO, a willingness to get 'down and dirty [and detailed].'

 

[MLyons]

EDIT: Somewhere you wrote about Larry being married (perhaps that's why you see him as such a scumbag?), but he's divorced in my story. I don't want him to be too much of a scumbag.

Ah. I'm sorry about missing that little fact. However, that does not change my opinion of him. I think he's a scumbag not because I thought he was married, but because he's basically using this girl for sex, and then acting as if he's doing her the biggest favor in the world by being nice about it and getting her off.

Honestly, these kinds of things are damn delicate. I hate this guy because he seems like he's trying to pull one over on Emily AND me by being affectionate and nice and yet at the end of the day he's taking advantage of her. Let me try to be clear, though. The problem for me is not that he's a scumbag. I'm all for him being a scumbag. Fantastic--great. The problem is that it seems as if you, the author, want me to like him in some capacity anyway, and the story seems set up to establish some sort of strange mutual relationship where I'm supposed to relate to both characters.

I don't.

I WANT to relate more to Emily in this situation. If he's taking advantage of her innocence I want to SEE that. If he's somehow managing to pull the wool over her eyes, I need to BELIEVE that. But don't be expecting me to like him if he's doing that. If the story starts like this and ends up with Emily falling for him despite what he's done to her without him going through some kind of major revelation of regret and repentence, I'd find both characters completely unsympathetic and unrelatable and the story would do nothing but annoy me.

On the OTHER hand, if indeed, Larry is a scumbag, and is taking advantage of her innocence--using her for sex while trying to make her believe he's falling for her, I'm great with that. I don't need to relate to him. That's fine with me, but I will, in that case, need to relate to Emily. I'll need to see what it is about him that's making her capitulate to all this. I'll need to understand how he's duping her, because to a certain degree, the way the story is now, I just want to slap Emily and ask her why the hell she didn't just smack him and call the Dean over when he made the suggestion of exchanging sex for grades.

I want to make clear though that you can do anything you want. You can tow any kind of balance of mutual sex and lopsided power games you like. You can make it work. All I'm saying is that as it stands right now, I don't think it's working. It seems that you haven't exactly decided how this is going to play out, and therefore how can you expect to elicit the reactions you want from the reader?

One more thing. These criticisms are not necessarily a reaction to any bad writing on your part. That's not the case at all. In fact, the fact that I dislike Larry, and I'm discussing things in terms of character motivation and interaction is a tesimate to your writing. You've elicited some reactions. The question is are these the reactions that you intended to elicit? If so, then you've absolutely accomplished your mission. My reactions are personal. Some people might respond very positively to the balance you've so far struck. I'm just not one of them. It's not a story, or a situation that turns me on. However, like I said these things are so damn delicate that the tiniest change in Emily's reactions or Larry's motivations might change my mind completely.

Walking that fine line of eroticism in stories is what I find to be the most rewarding aspect of writing them. But it isn't easy.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Pure!

Thanks for your welcome and comments!

There's a definite romantic element, in that you seem to go out of your way to make the guy attractive and appealing

Yep! Despite the "sex for a grade" scenario, Emily has had an attraction to this professor for a long time, and perhaps mixed up her romantic notions with other issues.

In response to the "old-fashioned" comment, I tried to be more graphic in my descriptions, but then Emily came across as less innocent, to somewhat pre-empt some your comments further down.

I'm not clear on why you quoted some phrases as errors, so clarification would be appretiated:

large freshmen seminars

Is this not clear? Maybe it's a term special to my university. I'm referring to large undergraduate classes typically aimed toward freshmen and sophmores for their graduation requirements. The second part regarding 'anything' made sense.

I'd say the story has not been revised much; the editing is so-so.

True. I had one person edit it, and it consisted of the editor mostly editing things out and telling me it was great instead of actively suggesting. (I didn't know any better.) Since the workshop thread seems to be defunct for now, I wasn't sure where else to go, unless I email a whole bunch of people and ask them to edit.

The prof is an ideal figure, Mr. AttractiveGentleandInLust for our girl.

To Emily he's an ideal figure, hence her romantic notions.

On the other hand, she could be an innocent ensnared, as the classic plot goes. There's a reason for innocence: to make the character have some surprises and upsets. You'd have to make *that innocence* come through more strongly. Again, somehow, there isn't much surprise, after it's clear he'll lick her. If she's a 'limited innocent,' she could be surprised, say, by finding his finger sliding up her ass.

So, in part because of limited words on the matter, I find her character unclear.. *Mostly* it sounds like she's looking for romance, and possibly sees the sex that way.

Thanks for pointing that out. I was trying to convey some innocence with her protesting (albiet a weak one) before the oral, but from yours and the above comments, it's apparent that it didn't come through. I also wasn't sure at the time how much experience Emily had and thought it a detail better left for a later point. Again, that needed more fleshing out.

In all, a reasonable brief effort, and with less 'shyness' you have possibilities as a writer. Incidentally the story does have some charm in being apparently written by a woman. That could make the sex very hot, for male readers, if you follow it up. BUT the romanticism of the story counteracts that, and the end result is a more female-appealing story, imo. Your strength: IMO, a willingness to get 'down and dirty [and detailed].'

I'm trying to decide if this is a compliment or not. Are you saying the male readers may not/would not like the romanticism of it? Romantic sex isn't hot? I'm just a little confused about your statement. I'd really like to explore this relationship between Larry and Emily, one that goes more toward romantic rather than a D/s power type of thing.

Thanks for taking the time Pure!

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi MLyons!

I want to make clear though that you can do anything you want. You can tow any kind of balance of mutual sex and lopsided power games you like. You can make it work. All I'm saying is that as it stands right now, I don't think it's working. It seems that you haven't exactly decided how this is going to play out, and therefore how can you expect to elicit the reactions you want from the reader?

True. I wanted to give the readers more of an insight to the characters (or in Emily's psyche, at least), but I was afraid it would get too long to keep the attention of some readers. Probably I should have just waited on posting (or tried having it workshopped!) and characterized to my heart's content.

One more thing. These criticisms are not necessarily a reaction to any bad writing on your part. That's not the case at all. In fact, the fact that I dislike Larry, and I'm discussing things in terms of character motivation and interaction is a tesimate to your writing. You've elicited some reactions. The question is are these the reactions that you intended to elicit?

No, this wasn't the reaction I had in mind, but I think you've brought up very fine details that need my attention. However, I'm glad it's not neccesarily the writing that's the problem. Obviously I can't control over how readers interpret the story, I guess I just didn't expect it would elict a reaction like yours.

However, like I said these things are so damn delicate that the tiniest change in Emily's reactions or Larry's motivations might change my mind completely.

I was trying to keep Larry more mysterious, an ideal figure (to quote Pure) that Emily has been attracted to for several years now. Therefore we don't really know what his motivations are. Despite the time spent as a college student and the changes that brings, she's still drawn to him for some reason.

Walking that fine line of eroticism in stories is what I find to be the most rewarding aspect of writing them. But it isn't easy. [/B]

As I'm finding, it's not easy at all. I thank you again for your comments and the time you've taken to read and respond to me.

 

[Pure]

Pure said,
//In all, a reasonable brief effort, and with less 'shyness' you have possibilities as a writer. Incidentally the story does have some charm in being apparently written by a woman. That could make the sex very hot, for male readers, if you follow it up. BUT the romanticism of the story counteracts that, and the end result is a more female-appealing story, imo. Your strength: IMO, a willingness to get 'down and dirty [and detailed].'//
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Shy responded: I'm trying to decide if this is a compliment or not. Are you saying the male readers may not/would not like the romanticism of it? Romantic sex isn't hot? I'm just a little confused about your statement. I'd really like to explore this relationship between Larry and Emily, one that goes more toward romantic rather than a D/s power type of thing.

I think the woman's pov can be very exciting for a male to read, esp. if she's able to get detailed. Men are interested in the workings of the female mind and body. And the motives.

"Straight" man on woman (or woman on man) sex--without deviations-- can surely be hot, or be told in a hot way. As in Henry Miller.

*Romanticism* is a story, including one with explicit sex, appeals mostly to women, I think. By that term, I mean, idealized seeking of a love-mate; perfect-looking lead characters (e.g. 'tall, dark, and handsome' male lead); formula of a few bumps (e.g. tiffs or misunderstandings) and a happy ending, where the ending is a uniting-in-love of the two lead characters (or tear jerking death of one). I include a 'rosey' picture of sex-as-sexual-loving, as ardent 'manhoods', hot 'centers' (pussies) etc. (Even modernized romances that include graphic sex, as some now do, define a genre, I think.)

Perhaps you have to think whether it's just 'hot' or whether Emily and the guy will 'fall in love,' or, perhaps more interesting, if Emily have 'love' notions, but the professor is just getting some tail.

(I leave the DS question aside, since I don't detect much kink in the story--[I use 'kink', not opposed to 'romance', but opposed to 'straight' man-in-woman stuff].)

In any case, as MLyons and others have said, you get to choose. I'm speaking pure-ly as a consumer of 'hard core,' and often kinky or bizarre stuff. If you're aiming elsewhere, that's fine too.

----

PS. I don't see how 'freshmen' can be an adjective. Nor do I think if there is one _freshman seminar_ [which is OK], that many of them would be called 'freshmen seminars,' i.e., pluralizing the adjective as well.

PPS. I see the question of 'erotica' has been raised. A much debated term. The term is vague, to me, but it suggests a 'higher class' of porn**., i.e., that stuff I use, but not necessarily you! Erotica, to me, is sexually explicit material where there is, for instance, some character, halfway plausible plot, some 'feeling' elements, and less cliched writing. Much stuff at lit., is in the middle, porn-ish erotica, or slightly eroticized porn; I'd include your piece, here.

**By 'porn' I mean sexually detailed material intended to arouse the reader.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Pure!

I think the woman's pov can be very exciting for a male to read, esp. if she's able to get detailed. Men are interested in the workings of the female mind and body. And the motives.

"Straight" man on woman (or woman on man) sex--without deviations-- can surely be hot, or be told in a hot way. As in Henry Miller.

*Romanticism* is a story, including one with explicit sex, appeals mostly to women, I think. By that term, I mean, idealized seeking of a love-mate; perfect-looking lead characters (e.g. 'tall, dark, and handsome' male lead); formula of a few bumps (e.g. tiffs or misunderstandings) and a happy ending, where the ending is a uniting-in-love of the two lead characters (or tear jerking death of one). I include a 'rosey' picture of sex-as-sexual-loving, as ardent 'manhoods', hot 'centers' (pussies) etc. (Even modernized romances that include graphic sex, as some now do, define a genre, I think.)

Perhaps you have to think whether it's just 'hot' or whether Emily and the guy will 'fall in love,' or, perhaps more interesting, if Emily got 'love' ideas, but the professor is just getting some tail.

Ah. I get it now. Sorry, it's just that when someone says 'romance', I think of my roomates and their trashy romance novels.

(I leave the DS question aside, since I don't detect much kink in the story--[I use 'kink', not opposed to 'romance', but opposed to 'straight' man-in-woman stuff].)

That's cool, as I wasn't really going for that.

In any case, as MLyons and others have said, you get to chose. I'm speaking pure-ly as a consumer of 'hard core.' If you're aiming elsewhere, that's fine too.

Okay. Thanks for clearing things up for this newbie!

PS. I don't see how 'freshmen' can be an adjective. Nor do I think if there is one _freshman seminar_ [which is OK], that many of them would be called 'freshmen seminars,' i.e., pluralizing the adjective as well.

Ah, ok. Again, thanks for clearing that up, and for taking the time to read and respond to me!

 

[Varian P]

Hi, Shy.

As I said when I gave you a bit of feedback in the other forum, I enjoyed the story and found it fairly sexy. I think the power dichotomy of this student/prof relationship, though formulaic, has inherent erotic potential. You just need to exploit it a bit more, in my opinion. I think you can do that, and still maintain the mutuality of the characters' sexual desire for one another.

That ties in with your first question. Personally, no, I don't think it's too plot-heavy or long. In fact, it's a bit sparse on plot/character development for my taste. More on the latter below, but as for your concern that the story become mired in plot, I suggest that it's quite possible to use the gradual unfolding of events to get a real sexual pitch going before the first proposition has been made or the first article of clothing unzipped, unbuttoned, or slipped off. Tease us with little hints of what's to come, make us squirm with the tension of a character's excitement, nervousness, fear—or whatever emotion—as an inevitable sexual encounter begins to unfold.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

For me, actually, the hottest part of the story was the lead-up to the sex, when McDowell begins to undress her, perhaps because I felt the most tension there—he's taking control, and she's yielding it. The actual descriptions of the sex are pretty good, though you could certainly be more graphic about it if you wanted to. Even without getting totally pornographic, though, you could sensualize the prose a bit more. For example:

I watched as the professor gazed at my body, specifically my chest. I had chosen a Calvin Klein sheer black bra.

This feels rather cold and detached, as opposed to something like:

His eyes caressed my body. His gaze came to rest on my breasts, almost naked to him through my sheer black bra.

It could be further eroticized, I'd argue, by letting us sense how she feels at this moment. Is she standing there, nervously rigid? Does his gaze make her insides quiver?

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated

I agree with some of the earlier comments on characterization—I feel that Emily's level of experience and intent in this encounter run from vague to possibly contradictory, while McDowell seems a strange amalgam of sexual blackmailer and tender, lonely guy. I think the story would get to me at a deeper level if you refined and developed the characterization a bit more thoroughly.

If Emily is a naive virgin and the professor's proposal is going to come as a surprise, rethink the final line of the first paragraph: "I needed to convince him, in any way possible," because it gives the immediate impression that she's going in there prepared to offer sex in exchange for a better grade, as does the line, "I had chosen a Calvin Klein sheer black bra," because it implies she chose it for this encounter.

If, on the other hand, Emily is a bit more worldly and is, indeed, going in there to do "anything" it takes to get her grade up, perhaps she should take a condom with her and not seem suddenly off balance at the thought of intercourse and the possibility of getting pregnant. As others have said, it's not that I'm telling you to do one or the other, just think through who Emily is, and make that character as interesting as possible.

Along these lines, whichever direction you take Emily, the sex would be hotter for me if I got more of her emotional take on what's happening. Does she feel like a dirty little slut letting the prof eat her in exchange for that 3.5 or whatever she's hoping for? Is she afraid of him? Is she feeling incredibly powerful? Taken advantage of? Right now I get the impression that she finds McDowell attractive, that she's willing, and that she gets off. That, on its own, isn't terribly compelling, in my opinion. The feelings, good or bad, make the sex interesting. Right now everything's a little too blasé—or just too rooted in the physical rather than the emotional—for my taste. But don't get me wrong, I don't want less of the physical.

With McDowell, I'll agree with MLyons in that I think he's being a total sleaze, using his position of power to extort sex from Emily. That's not a bad thing, as far as your story goes, in my opinion. The sexual blackmail angle can be used quite effectively to greatly enhance the emotional impact of the sex—either making it dangerous in a hot, sexy kind of way, or making it creepy and uncomfortable, which can be its own strange form of eroticism.

If you don't want him to ultimately be perceived as a jerk, McDowell can't use the grade as leverage to get sex. You'd have to bring them together some other way—he puts in a lot of time helping Emily learn the course material, she remarks the late hour, he cries (metaphorically) on her shoulder about the kids being with their mother and him not having a life, she impetuously kisses him…or whatever.

A few thoughts on the prose:

There are several places where a phrase doesn't quite make sense, perhaps because of a missing word, as in this example:

…the professor seemed to like the view as his eyes remained on my body and his erection more noticeable…

Perhaps, "…his erection became more noticeable."

You also have a lot of word repetition that is a tad jarring to me. I'm probably hyper-sensitive to this because I do it so much myself. An early comment mentioned the word "gently," which I noticed as well. Other examples:

Mcdowell smiled and rose, ready to greet me.
"Emily!" he greeted

then I saw what had been previously unnoticed by me. A noticeable bulge appeared

Overall, I think this story has potential if you develop the characters and the erotic potential between them a bit more by showing us what Emily is going through emotionally. What you've got so far is good enough that I think it worthy of further development.

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Varian!

Your postings in the other forum were among the most helpful to me, but thank you for taking the time to post here as well.

I think the power dichotomy of this student/prof relationship, though formulaic, has inherent erotic potential. You just need to exploit it a bit more, in my opinion. I think you can do that, and still maintain the mutuality of the characters' sexual desire for one another

I have to admit, based on feedback, and rereading this story (and my draft of the sequel), I don't think I want to go this route. It seems too cliche (heh, like the situation in my story isn't...) I don't think I can still use the "sex-for-grades" and keep it a relatively mutual relationship that works. Some of your comments below gave me other ideas, so thanks for that!

I agree with some of the earlier comments on characterization—I feel that Emily's level of experience and intent in this encounter run from vague to possibly contradictory, while McDowell seems a strange amalgam of sexual blackmailer and tender, lonely guy. I think the story would get to me at a deeper level if you refined and developed the characterization a bit more thoroughly.

With McDowell, I'll agree with MLyons in that I think he's being a total sleaze, using his position of power to extort sex from Emily. That's not a bad thing, as far as your story goes, in my opinion. The sexual blackmail angle can be used quite effectively to greatly enhance the emotional impact of the sex—either making it dangerous in a hot, sexy kind of way, or making it creepy and uncomfortable, which can be its own strange form of eroticism.

If you don't want him to ultimately be perceived as a jerk, McDowell can't use the grade as leverage to get sex. You'd have to bring them together some other way—he puts in a lot of time helping Emily learn the course material, she remarks the late hour, he cries (metaphorically) on her shoulder about the kids being with their mother and him not having a life, she impetuously kisses him…or whatever.

By now I'm not really surprised about the comments on Emily as a character, since my indecision apparently shows. It's Larry that surprises me, as I was trying to keep him somewhat mysterious. I guess I failed there, but I can always tweak it. Thanks for the reiteration of that view though.

I agree on the prose too. I think it might have been MLyons who said I began to use 'gently' so many times he began to count the usage. Note to self, must edit more thoroughly.

Overall, I think this story has potential if you develop the characters and the erotic potential between them a bit more by showing us what Emily is going through emotionally.

Which ties into your comments elsewhere that you wanted more about the emotions and feelings, and less about the physical. Must get into Emily's head more, as I also think MLyons said something similar. He also couldn't feel too much for her because of the lack of development.

What you've got so far is good enough that I think it worthy of further development

So I've been deigned worthy of Varian?

To be serious though, thanks for writing again and expanding comments you made in the Feedback forum.

 

[Pure]

AZN: Note to self, must edit more thoroughly.

Authors should revise and clear out typos as they catch them.

But overall I'm of the school, for which the founding tablet, located under the Great Pyramid, states.

Thou canst not edit thyself.

The only exception I can think of, is, if you're skilled at editing, stash the MS under the back[bed] for a year; at that time, you may be able to edit it.

 

[ShyAzn]

AZN: Note to self, must edit more thoroughly.

Authors should revise and clear out typos as they catch them.

But overall I'm of the school, for which the founding tablet, located under the Great Pyramid, states.

Thou canst not edit thyself.

The only exception I can think of, is, if you're skilled at editing, stash the MS under the back for a year; at that time, you may be able to edit it.

I'm well aware of the inability to edit myself based on papers that I've written. However, there are some things that I probably should have caught, ie the word repetition. But I'm a newbie and I was excited about getting accepted and posted.

However, your reply does make me feel a leeetle better. Thanks.

 

[Lying Eyes]

1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

I haven't read any of the other comments, here are my thoughts without being influenced by what others had to say about your work.

Its a nice short story. Though the idea of sex for grades has been overdone, to be honest I found it a little stale because I was hoping for a twist, hook, something different to hold my interest. The idea of the teacher giving rather then recieving oral sex was the only significant thing different but that was not enough to capture my atention.

Alot of your questions can be answered if I knew what audience (if it isn't solely for yourself) you are aiming for. In my opinion there are generaly speaking two different type of readers that read literotica stories. The same story will have a different reaction to the different type of readers.

The larger group of readers are looking for purely "stroke" stories, smutty, raunchy, hot, nasty stories (genres such as anal and incest are more often then not "stroke" pieces). The other smaller group but more loyal readership enjoy a story evolve before it gets to the sex. They prefer character development, depth and a story that isn't just about sex (genres such as romance and novelas are almost always in this group).

I think you have to decide who you want to satisfy, or write just for yourself. Reading your story I wasn't completly sure what audience you were going for, its short and to the point like a typical stroke piece but some of the more tastful discriptions and dialogue seemed to me to hint at a different type of story.

Stroke readers would appreciate, more raunchy dialogue less plot and more sex. The story being "believable" is of a much less of an issue with this group. For example most incest stories are incrediably unrealistic. Your story was probably not "hot" enough or this group. The sex came out too classy for those readers to fully apreciate.

The other group would apreciate more plot. Answers to questions like, why were her grades falling? Why did she think this was the only solution to fix her predicament or was it an excuse to be close to the teacher she was fond of. You just have to remember these readers are looking for a good story first, sex is less important (and sometimes just a kiss is enough in the romance genre).

Either write in a way that pleases you or decide to either please the smut crowd or the more plot heavy crowd. Its very hard to make both type of readers happy.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Lying Eyes!

Alot of your questions can be answered if I knew what audience (if it isn't solely for yourself) you are aiming for. In my opinion there are generaly speaking two different type of readers that read literotica stories. The same story will have a different reaction to the different type of readers.

The larger group of readers are looking for purely "stroke" stories, smutty, raunchy, hot, nasty stories (genres such as anal and incest are more often then not "stroke" pieces). The other smaller group but more loyal readership enjoy a story evolve before it gets to the sex. They prefer character development, depth and a story that isn't just about sex (genres such as romance and novelas are almost always in this group).

True. I vaguely figured in the back of my mind that this was the case, although your comments really hit it home.

Stroke readers would appreciate, more raunchy dialogue less plot and more sex. The story being "believable" is of a much less of an issue with this group. For example most incest stories are incrediably unrealistic. Your story was probably not "hot" enough or this group. The sex came out too classy for those readers to fully apreciate.

The other group would apreciate more plot. Answers to questions like, why were her grades falling? Why did she think this was the only solution to fix her predicament or was it an excuse to be close to the teacher she was fond of. You just have to remember these readers are looking for a good story first, sex is less important (and sometimes just a kiss is enough in the romance genre).

All valid points. I liked how you took your previous point and further contrasted the difference between the two groups by using my story as an example.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond, Lying Eyes! It was very helpful.

 

[GingerV]

Hey there Shy,

I remember when you posted this in the Feedback Forum, I swear I thought I'd commented on it there. But when I went back, I couldn't for the life of me find copy of a review to reference, so I'm doing this one from scratch.

I'll hit your questions first, then add my bonus thoughts afterward.

1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

No. If anything, I thought it was plot-light. You introduced the two characters, gave them a reason to be in a room together, and they had sex. Beyond that I have little or no sense of their lives, or even reason to believe they'll run into each other again. Keep in mind, I LIKE loads of plot around my sex, so I'm going to tend to want to err the other direction. There just wasn’t' enough there for me to get my teeth into.

As far as giving the characters depth, it's hard to do that when you had as little non-sex time as you have yourself. I don't have a feel for what makes these two different from the prof and the student having a discussion of philosophy down the hall. Why these two wind up having sex instead of having tea just isn't apparent. That said, you made the job of 'giving the characters some depth' harder by dealing out conflicting signals. Sometimes it seems like she went in with the intention of seducing him, sometimes it seems like a shock to her. You may have been going for internal conflict, but it didn't come across that way…more like Multiple Personality Disorder. He's a different problem, you obviously wanted his seduction to come as a twist in the plot. But you spun him awfully fast, it was kind of Jeckell and Hydeish. It might have been more natural to build him up to it. Seduction in this sort of context feels weird if it's sudden. It hasn't been sold to us.

I do think there's potential for a series here, but it would be nice to see more of these two as people as the stories develop.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

I don't think this is the answer you're going to be looking for…but I feel very strongly about it. It's your story, only you know if it's hot enough. Even viagra doesn't turn on everyone. I presume you've gotten positive as well as negative feedback about it. You can't let one person demanding more sex, or ropes, or your roommate to turn up in the 3rd paragraph, to shake you. If it does what you wanted it to do, it's hot enough. It has the potential to arouse readers. If you're asking if it turned me on…that's a different question. I think it's more important to ask if it aroused you.

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

Ah, the kitchen sink question . Read on, MacDuff. Oh hell, while I'm at it: Please for the love of all that's Celtic…McDowell not Mcdowell!! I bit my tongue every time you said the guy's name, but it nearly drove me 'round the twist.

I couldn't believe I was doing this.

Good hook. Because it came up before, I'll point out that it leaves us thinking that she's going to seduce the guy. We're reading erotica, and we know it. We come to the table with certain expectations and interpretations. If you just wanted to imply that she's shocked her grades got this bad, you want to be more specific.

Rushing down the hallway, I brushed past several professors along the way, nodding to or politely greeting them as I headed toward Professor Laurence Mcdowell office.

Here and throughout, you tend to cram too much into each sentence. I'd recommend going through and trying to streamline each one independently. Tell yourself specifically the point of each one, and figure out how to get rid of the extraneous stuff. Here, obviously, I'd get rid of "along the way" as it doesn't add anything either stylistically or informatively. I'd also be tempted to break the sentence in two. Your intent in the first half (to impart a sense of urgency and speed) is different to the second (introduce purpose/second Character). Alternatively, I'd leave it one sentence and take out the nodding and greeting. You can't be polite when you're rushing…it takes away from the impetus of the first part of the sentence. You may be trying to give us the impression that she's a 'good girl' with the politeness, but it's too much all at once.

Despite my internal struggle, I couldn't see any other way.

Not clear what the struggle is here. She's screwed up and desperate, but I'm not sure what the conflict is. Why is she reluctant to ask for help?

School, being an Resident Assistant or RA and work had simply all caught up to me.

That she's an RA may be important in future instalments, but each chapter here has to stand on its own. It doesn't come up again. Leave it out.

I had to convince the professor to somehow cut me some slack or give me a way to make up for my dismal academic work for his class.

Again, streamline. Get rid of for his class. Prepositional phrases are a great place to reduce excess verbiage. A lot of yours can be done away with altogether.

I could feel my heart pounding beneath my t-shirt as I knew it was late and there was a faculty meeting to take place.

More fun with prepositional phrases, but there's more wrong here. I was a little baffled at the content. Ah yes, the dreaded faculty meeting. The beast that makes hearts pound in the breasts of ALL tender undergrads. Never mind that no undergrad I've ever known knows when the faculty meetings are scheduled…the whole thing seems like a disconnect. Her heart (which we know is under her t-shirt) is pounding because she's late and the prof hasn't got a lot of time? I thought it was because she was going to walk in and strip…what the hell? Tell me what your purposes are with this sentence, and I think we can write it more effectively.

I'm guessing you want to establish that she's nervous, she dressed in a certain way, and that there's not much time for the scene to take place. That's a lot of unrelated stuff to get across. How about leaving the t-shirt till later, letting him tell us about the faculty meeting, and just concentrate on the first one since it's the most relevant.

probably due to the lateness of the day.

Reads very awkwardly. Prepositional phrases again.

I saw his blue eyes peering at me over his reading glasses, and I couldn't help but feel my breath catch.

Maybe a good place to illustrate what I mean by too many words. Doesn't this work better as "His blue eyes peered at me over his reading glasses, making my breath catch." Hmmm…not entirely happy with it, but you see what I mean?

or "Larry" as his colleagues called him

as I go through this, I think I'm seeing a pattern. I think you're mistaking information for character development. You seem to be looking for ways to pack in the facts, whether it makes sense for your narrator to bring them up or not. Here, the faculty meeting, other stuff. Don’t do it. Every inappropriate detail you have her tell us about him makes it that much harder to understand her. Moreover, it doesn't gain you anything in developing his character. That he was called Larry just isn't important. It'll come up naturally later, or it's really not important and it's just cluttering up your prose.

was a good-looking man in his early 40's, with an athletic, tan build.

A build can't be tan. It's a small thing, but since I'm enamoured of my theory, I'm going to call this a symptom of your desire to put in ALL facts much too quickly .

It also, of course, made him more visible to female undergraduates who would study outside in order to get a glimpse of him.

Prepositional hell…but I'll leave it as an exercise for the writer. What I want to point out is that you're implying he INTENDED for the girls to see him. That he's showing off and trying to get their interest. As he makes the move later, that may not be out of place….but because you've but the words into your narrators mouth, it implies she knows he's a philanderer. Should she? And if she does, what does that tell me about her nervous state? And then why is she so surprised when he does make a move on her? Again, I think it's the wrong time and the wrong person to be giving us this information. It also fowls up the twist (or what I thought would be a twist) when we get there.

Upon seeing who entered, Mcdowell smiled and rose, ready to greet me.

I don't like the first part. It implies that 1) he wouldn't have been happy to see anyone else and 2) that she knew it. Also, it's damned awkward structure.

"Emily!" he greeted

Greeted needs an object here.

I smiled back as I shook his hand and sat a comfy couch he had along the wall of his office, helpful for groups of students during review sessions.

Typo…"on the couch." Again, way too much information. The couch was along the wall. Would it change the story if it was in the middle of the room? Do we need to know why it was there?

. After he did so, he folded his legs and smiled, waiting for me to begin.

There's that awkward sentence structure again. Why not just "He folded his legs [note…do you mean crossed?], smiled, and waited for me to begin."?

I stared into his eyes for a moment before looking down at my knees bracing myself.

comma between knees and bracing.

I was counting on the fact that he was my advisor and the fact that he had known me for nearly four years to hopefully get a little help.

Too many facts…literally this time. Just used the word too often here.

Mcdowell had me feel as comfortable as he could, helping yet another scared freshman ease her way into the tough academic world of college.

I think there was a word missing here, had helped maybe?

I fantasized about him, especially when I didn't have a boyfriend as I'm sure many of my classmates did. The fact that he was twice my age bothered me little.

Random facts. Does it make a difference that her fantasy rate changed when she didn't have a boyfriend? I'd actually expand on the second sentence. It seems to be important, and it's just sort of out there.

Part of the reason why he was so liked was because he was a little more open about his life than other professors, and enjoyed talking about his outside interests, especially his two children.

I know, I know. Character development. But wow does it feel like the wrong time and place. You want us to feel what she's feeling, and every time you take one of these factual, extraneous side trips…you screw up the tension you spent so much effort building up.

Unfortunately, academia had taken its toll and he had been divorced for several years now. Most of his time now was spent teaching, researching or with his children.

Again, it feels like something she shouldn't be expounding on. Does she know how much time he spends with his kids. Is she stalker girl? Does she know why he got divorced? Did it have to be Academia? The omniscient narrator doesn't feel right here. And it keeps pulling me away from the mood.

"Professor, as we've discussed, I'm in big trouble. It's not that I don't enjoy your class or that I'm not trying, it's just that--" I stopped suddenly, feeling choked up. I swallowed, determined not to cry. While trying to fight down my tears I suddenly felt his fingers touch my wrist. I looked up.

His tone was gentle. "I know, Emily, I know. It's a tough situation for me too. I know you have it in you to do better and I have seen you do better. Yet it's rather close to graduation for you, so I'm not sure what I can do to help. We've talked about your previous exams and papers, but as you know you're going to have to do extremely well on the final paper and exam."

I want to give some credit here…aside from the "as we've discussed" and "Yet", I thought this dialogue worked pretty well. It's hard to do, but it felt right to me.

the thighs of my jeans; my palms were sweating in response to my nervousness.

Jeans don’t have thighs, and "in response" just doesn't read right.

As I did so, I noticed the professor's eyes glance down for a moment, then flicker back to stare into my own.

Leave out "As I did so". Simulteneity isn't important here, and it reads like padding. And maybe "flick" not "flicker".

It was disconcerting, for I wasn't sure if I had seen his eyes move, and the look he now gave me was...odd. I took a deep breath and spoke again.

Get rid of the "for", it sounds like regency writing. Here's where she seems shocked and surprised. After all the preceeding implications that she was here to make a pass, as a reader I was a little annoyed that she wasn't bother to make one. I was also puzzled that she seemed so surprised that he might be interested. Mixed messages. And then it suddenly followed with:

"I'm willing to do anything, Professor, anything.

Is she making a pass here? It's a damned cliché one if she is…but ok. Woops, wait now it's:

Extra office hours, a tutor, take an incomplete grade and I can make up the work later."

Nope. No pass.

But here's the thing. I don't feel like you're trying to keep me off balance (if you are, maybe there are better ways to do it?), so the fact I'm guessing is problematic. You're describing her physical reactions really really well, but you're leaving her motivational state and emotional reactions totally out of it. I think they'd do you a lot of good here. They'd also give her more depth, she's a bit flat and reactionary at the minute.

Words began to tumble out of my mouth.

I really liked this.

"Anything?" he whispered, so softly that I was almost sure that I had misheard. I nodded, unable to break my gaze away from his eyes.

She sounds like a deer in the headlights here. It just seems such a shame that you've paid all the penalty points for writing in first person, but aren't taking advantage of it here to tell me what she's feeling. I want her to react, even if she does so without moving.

I wasn't sure what to do or say, but then I saw what had been previously unnoticed by me. A noticeable bulge appeared in his khaki pants, which he made no movement to hide. I glanced at his face, which had a predatory look in his eyes. "I think an oral examination, Ms. Satori, will do."

There's such a combination of brilliant and awkward here. Reorganizing the first two sentences, and I think you'll get rid of most of the worst parts. "I wasn't sure what to do or say, but then I noticed the bulge appearing in his pants. A bulge he made no attempt to hide."

I like the predatory image, but I think "glance" has been overused. It's starting to feel like there's either staring or glancing and not a lot inbetween . Even though I think predatory is good, that sentence is a mess. The face had a predatory look in it's eyes…it's just muddled. What if you pulled the best bits out of each of the sentences in the paragraphs, without all the padding, and tried: "I wasn't sure what to do or say, but then I saw the bulge in his pants and the predatory look in his eyes." Then you've got tons of space left to tell us how seeing those things makes her feel.

The sentence at the end, well I can't make up my mind about it. It's cliché. But I guess it fits with the rest of the story, it clinches the twist…the nice guy prof is now the dominant seducer.

Time seemed to freeze. Well, I did say anything.

I appologise to the dead horse, but she's surprised here. Or at least she seems it. If she's not, you needed to make that clear throughout. Her hesitancy just isn't well explained. And, for the other dead horse, as far as wordiness goes…why not "Time froze" instead of "Time seemed to freeze"?

Quickly, I slid off the couch and got ready to undo his belt, still feeling unsure about what I was about to do. Immediately I felt the grip of his large hands gently holding my wrists. Frowning, I looked up again, to see his lips curved once again in a smile.

Roughly the same sentence structure in each of these, and quite a lot through the rest of your writing.

Basically [your adverb or extraneous action], you state the action, and then you add a subordinate clause or extra descriptor.

Quickly, immediately, and frowning all play the same accent role if you follow me. It's not bad, but it's seriously overused. And most of those commas aren't necessary.

gently reached for the hem of my t-shirt and pulled up.

How does one gently reach?

Automatically I allowed him to pull it up,

Pulled up was just used, feels redundant here.

feeling the air brush past my body and feeling goose bumps on my arms.

It's going to be hard to see, now that I've broken it apart…but while I understand the relationship between the start and end of the sentence…it doesn't work well.

My shirt came off,

Three sentences in, I should hope so. I'd just leave this part of the sentence out.

and I almost wanted to fold my arms,

why 'almost?'

until I remembered why I was here and how I had prepared for this meeting.

Going to leave the dead horse alone now. But this struck me as weirdly non-erotic. I can't really explain why, sorry.

I watched as the professor gazed at my body, specifically my chest.

That seemed clinical. Instead of specifically, could you take the opportunity to use something more evocative?

I had chosen a Calvin Klein sheer black bra.

I was a modest B-cup,

Ah, the details. Pet Peeves galore, I apologise in advance. I don't know what a Calvin Klein sheer black bra looks like. You just lost every one of your readers that doesn't know the brand. I DO know what a sheer black bra looks like, is there a reason why that's not sufficient description? If there's something special about the CK brand, could it not be described instead of branded? The point of a brand is to let people know that you shop at a particular place or spent a particular amount of money. Are either of those relevant here? They might be, I've suggested people brand sunglasses or cars before to indicate social status…is that what you want here? Cause unless you want to emphasize that she's fashionable (and CK bras aren't the in choice everywhere this season), I don't see the point.

B-cup. Round ones? Flat ones? Perky ones? Tatooed? Freckled? The language is rich and varied, and no two sets of breasts (almost no two breasts….but don't want to get into the bilateral symmetry thing) are the same. B cup tells me very very little. It's amature porno shorthand. And it drives me up the flaming wall. It's like the branding. It's a cheat and a shortcut and a wasted opportunity. Breasts and bras can be described in such luscious detail, why the hell would you pass up the opportunity when you're trying to turn me (or any of the readers) on? [/rant].

but the professor seemed to like the view as his eyes remained on my body and his erection more noticeable.

You've got a word missing (became more noticeable), but beyond that…I'm just feeling you could make this more dynamic. Became more noticeable is just so passive. I think either your natural style is very understated, or else you're trying for that sort of writing here. Whichever it is, I think it might be part of why people have been telling you to "heat things up." You can keep the mellow, romantic tale, but make the feelings more immediate by changing the way you describe these things.

Once he starts undressing your narrator, I think you do better. The sentences are still awkward in places (lots of repetition, wordiness, loads of prepositional phrases), but the pace is lovely. One thing that suddenly becomes a problem, though, is subject verb agreement. Which is weird, as your writing hasn't got a lot of technical flaws.

I allowed him to do so until I was standing, and was about to pull off my jeans. Mcdowell brushed my hands away and undid it himself

Should be undid them, if it=jeans. I imagine what I'm seeing is a poor edit, rather than an actual mistake. I'll bet the 30cents in my pockets that a previous draft had reference to the actual button somewhere. Gotta be careful about that. Makes you look like a worse writer than you are.

I stood there for several moments, as I could feel his hands gently roam across my body. I pressed myself closer to him as his hands gently caressed my thighs, butt and back. His hands gently unhooked my bra and I could feel it loosen. He pulled it off and gazed at my breasts, bringing his hands up to gently knead them and tweak the nipples. He then allowed his hands to move along my sides, scalding me as they made their way toward my hips.

Again, brilliance and carelessness. Gentle is used 4 times, hands come up 4 times, and just when I'm reaching for a red pencil and shaking my head…you come up with a word like scalding, which is wonderful! So now I don't know what to think. I'm sticking with the idea that you're talented…and you just aren't living up to your potential here.

I was very wet now and made to remove the bikini.

You put up with one of my patented Pet Peeve rants already, so I'm going to spare you my opinion on Very.

Surprised, I suddenly felt myself being pushed onto his couch, his face at my crotch. This was not how it was supposed to be. I protested, "Professor, this isn't what I meant!" This wasn't making any sense.

This just didn't ring true to me. I still can't figure out if she's into it or not. And I'm distracted by the repetitiveness. You've got three sentences in there saying nearly the same thing.

His face appeared above my body,

Had a Cheshire Cat moment here…gotta be a better way to put this .

strong from typing up all those emails to students,

If you didn't mean this to be humour, you really need to rethink it. I nearly spit my tea out the first time I read it. If you meant it to be humour…it doesn't fit the story.

began to work on my clit. Larry pressed directly on it, and I started, being too sensitive in that area.

It's too clinical. I'm not sure how else to put it.

His fingers lessened the pressure but worked languid circles around it, while his tongue gently flicked in and out, tasting my juices.

something which earned a wink me from him.

Poor editing?

Seeing how he liked it, I gently caressed myself, using my palms and fingers as he had. I pressed them together, pinched and twisted my nipples, arousing myself more.

Is she trying to turn him on here for the sake of it? Or for the grade still…I'm still totally confused about her motivations.

My ears were filled with the pounding of my heart and the cut-off whimpers and moans that I stifled.

Cut off and stifled are rendundent.

I had merely prevented him from what he wanted.

From getting what he wanted?

"But wouldn't you rather have me return the favor? I've never done this before. I don't want to get pregnant," I protested.

No chance. All willing suspension of disbelief just flew out the window. She's a blushing virgin? It's just not consistent with her previous attitudes. I don't mean virgins are predictable. I mean that this is NOT the first time we should hear about it. It won't be the first time she's thought about it. She would've been nervous (now I'm back to thinking she came to seduce him), but now I don't think she was nervous enough. It's just not believable.

I snapped back to reality as he spoke. "I had a vasectomy, two kids are enough. And don't worry about STDs, I had a physical with a blood test. No problems at all. Besides, you said yourself that you do better at things when you are interested or are enjoying yourself."

It's like the divorce, right? You want to establish that the behaviour we're about to witness is "ok." He's not a bad guy, he's not cheating on anyone. It's ok that there's no condom, cause he just happens to have had a blood test recently. I don't know why people do this. Why is it important that there be no moral ambiguity? Here, hell, have him haul a condom out of his desk drawer if you HAVE to make a safe sex statement. It's a hell of a lot more likely than that he's had all the medical procedures he lists off here. Better yet, skip the lot. People make bad choices all the time. I've never yet stopped everything to ask if someone had a recent blood test certificate. All this practical stuff takes me as much out of the moment in writing as much as it would in real life.

I could feel him go no further

Awkward way to put it.

and I gripped his body with my legs, grateful for the working out I had done over the past year.

Another bit of random distraction. I don't want her previous year's biography here. Earlier, maybe…now it's out of place.

"You don't have to go," he said, with the barest hint of pleading in his voice. "The rest of the faculty'll be gone by now, we could...order pizza and stay here."

I know, I've skipped a big chunk. I want to take a minute to say that the parts I left out surprised me. All of a sudden things got a heck of a lot better. I don't know if you worked them over more or less…but they were much cleaner.

I can't make up my mind about this one. I like that you're trying to give the guy some depth of character, even if it is a glimpse of weakness. But it struck me odd. I wasn't fond of this guy to start with, and now he's lost the one attractive part of his personality. All of a sudden your lechy prof is now a lonely, dirty old man. I'm not saying you can't make him human…and all humans have weaknesses. I'm just saying that the way you've done it may not capture what you intended.

wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into.

I'm not sure what you mean here. I know from your preamble that you were thinking of extending this into more chapters, but from the narrator's point of view I'm not sure she's gotten into anything at this point. It looks more like she's gotten out of anything. I get that you're foreshadowing, I'm just not sure it's the right way to do it here.

Overall, I think you've got big ideas about who these people are and where they're going, but that you may be having troubles figuring out how and when to show all that depth and complexity to us. I'd strongly recommend you go get your favorite novel and plot out how and when the author tells you about the lead characters. It may seem an odd suggestion here, but I'd actually recommend Rebecca or The Great Gatsby. You have great minimalist characters in both, and the slow reveal of who they are is masterful.

Anyway….hope there's something in all this that you can use! I do think it was a great first attempt.

G

 

[MLyons]

Wow. GingerV doesn't screw around when it comes to analyzing stories!

That was a fantastic critique.

 

[cloudy]

There's some things I noticed in your story, but I'll address your concerns first before I get into specifics...

1) Is it too plot-oriented/long? I wanted it to be realistic and give the characters some depth, but not be too plot heavy. This is potentially the first in a series if all goes well.

I don't think so, no. It's really not long at all, and the plot? Well, other than a student having sex with a professor to be able to graduate, there's really not much else going on. I think, honestly, that it could have been a little longer, and have gone into more depth with the characters. We really don't know much about them at this point other than she's a college senior, and he's a professor with two kids.

2) Is it "hot" enough? Is the reader aroused? Private feedback and comments have said I should make it more X-rated.

It's very sexy leading up to the actual sex, but hmmm....it felt sort of rushed to me, like it happened very, very quickly. The descriptions you wrote are good, but I would like to see a little more detail. Especially on the part of the student - what was she feeling about the situation? No conflict at all? Is she someone that would normally have sex for grades? Or is she caught in a situation where she doesn't want to but has to? When they do have sex, what is she thinking? Well, you get the idea.

3) Are there any outstanding problems in my writing? Dialogue, characters, story, etc? It's my first story, so any comments are appretiated.

There's some punctuation issues - seem to be quite a few commas missing, which makes it read sort of breathlessly.

The set up is very nice, taking us immediately into the action, so to speak, as she rushes down the hallway. I would like to know more about why she finds herself in the situation she does...is she taking way too many classes trying to finish? A Resident Assistant's duties aren't really that onerous, at least where I went to school (actually was an R.A. for a year), so I really don't see that as being a burden. Maybe the situation could be changed to where she is working many hours trying to support herself and pay for school, and the conflict of hours worked vs. hours needed for study time would come into play.

As I reached his door, I took a deep breathe and knocked. I could feel my heart pounding beneath my t-shirt as I knew it was late and there was a faculty meeting to take place. Prof. Mcdowell might not appreciate a late-caller. Hearing "Come in!," I braced myself, wiped my hands along my jeans, and entered his office.

Here's an example of the comma thing. "I could feel my heart pounding beneath my t-shirt. I knew it was late, and there was a faculty meeting scheduled." I would think about breaking this out so that the dialogue is a little clearer.

He was sitting at his desk, flipping through some papers. His neatly cropped, dark brown hair was slightly mussed, probably due to the lateness of the day. I saw his blue eyes peering at me over his reading glasses, and I couldn't help but feel my breath catch. Mcdowell, or "Larry" as his colleagues called him, was a good-looking man in his early 40's, with an athletic, tan build. He enjoyed jogging and could occasionally be seen running around campus, whenever he needed a break from grading papers or exams. It also, of course, made him more visible to female undergraduates who would study outside in order to get a glimpse of him. Upon seeing who entered, Mcdowell smiled and rose, ready to greet me.

I'm not really enamored of this paragraph. It doesn't flow the way some of your others do. Maybe: "When I opened the door of his office, he was sitting at his desk going through some papers. He looked at me over the rims of his glasses, and ran a hand through his close-cropped hair....." I'm not sure that's what I'm looking for either, but jumping from him sitting at his desk to jogging around campus while students drool just doesn't fit. If you broke it into two paragraphs, it may read better.

"Emily!" he greeted, extending his hand as he came around his desk. "Please, sit. I received your email, so let's get right down it."

This threw me, since there was no mention of an email until now. Also, you convey the student's nervousness at having to ask for his help, as if he may be one of those tough professors, but then he's very genial, and welcoming. That was surprising to me.

Mcdowell had me feel as comfortable as he could, helping yet another scared freshman ease her way into the tough academic world of college

This seems almost extraneous, since you've already shown that he's a warm type of professor, and also mentioned that he's the student's faculty advisor.

Part of the reason why he was so liked was because he was a little more open about his life than other professors, and enjoyed talking about his outside interests, especially his two children. Unfortunately, academia had taken its toll and he had been divorced for several years now. Most of his time now was spent teaching, researching or with his children.

I'm not sure this is needed, either. He's already been shown to be a warm person. Wouldn't the reason he's well-liked be his manner with students rather than his willingness to share his personal life?

He suddenly shifted his legs and I was startled by the movement. It was disconcerting, for I wasn't sure if I had seen his eyes move, and the look he now gave me was...odd. I took a deep breath and spoke again.

This confused me a little. He shifts his legs, but then the student isn't sure she's seen his eyes move? I think I understand what you're trying to convey, but it just doesn't quite get there.

After a few moments, he slid his fingers between the loops of my jeans and pulled me upwards. I allowed him to do so until I was standing, and was about to pull off my jeans. Mcdowell brushed my hands away and undid it himself, lazily pulling down the zipper, to reveal a matching sheer bikini.

I like this very much - the sensuous movement of an experienced man with someone younger.

I was very wet now and made to remove the bikini. Again, his hands firmly stopped me, and he gently hooked his fingers around the straps, pulling them down as well.

Okay, confused here, too. I would associate "straps" with a bra, not a bikini. It made a strange visual to me, since he was pulling down her bikini, but there were straps.

Then the hands moved so his fingers, strong from typing up all those emails to students,

This was a little strange, too. I'm not sure I would associate strong hands with answering emails.

My breathing became more quick and ragged as each of us increased the speed and pressure of the ministrations on my body. Involuntarily, my hips bucked up and I could see a gleam of triumph in Mcdowell's eyes: he had me right where he wanted me.

You have a really hot situation here! Give more detail - exactly what was he doing? Hard, fast, slow, soft? There's a lot of potential just in this one paragraph to really make it sizzle.

I snapped back to reality as he spoke. "I had a vasectomy, two kids are enough. And don't worry about STDs, I had a physical with a blood test. No problems at all. Besides, you said yourself that you do better at things when you are interested or are enjoying yourself."

Another disconnected thought, it seems. I appreciate the fact that you're using realism, but the subject of STD's and enjoying yourself don't seem to flow very well.

"You don't have to go," he said, with the barest hint of pleading in his voice. "The rest of the faculty'll be gone by now, we could...order pizza and stay here."

The "hint of pleading" in his voice seemed out of character for someone who had taken such control of the situation earlier. Granted, we really don't know much about him at this point, personality-wise, but it didn't seem to fit.

I think its a very good story for a first try, and much, much better than some I've read here at Lit. Heaven knows, my first ones embarass me a little when I go back and read them.

I would love to see you expand it a little more. For instance, when they are actually having sex, and she's in his lap, the scene is concentrated on what he's doing, and that's about it. I would love to know how she feels, what she's thinking. When she climaxes, it's almost clinical feeling, since we haven't been let into her mind at that point.

It's a nice set-up for another chapter.

Overall, I think it's very well done, and with just a little tweaking could be a really well-written, hot story.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi GingerV!

Wow. GingerV doesn't screw around when it comes to analyzing stories!

That was a fantastic critique.

No kidding. Sliced through my work, but with a good breakdown of why what did or didn't work.

I remember when you posted this in the Feedback Forum, I swear I thought I'd commented on it there. But when I went back, I couldn't for the life of me find copy of a review to reference, so I'm doing this one from scratch.

That's fine. I appretiate you taking the time to write such a long and detailed review here.

Oh hell, while I'm at it: Please for the love of all that's Celtic…McDowell not Mcdowell!! I bit my tongue every time you said the guy's name, but it nearly drove me 'round the twist.

<cowering in the corner> Since you brought it up, is it possible/acceptable that perhaps somewhere his ancestors (or someone) became lazy (the author perhaps ). Or is it still a definite no-no?

(After a whole bunch of errors and corrections)

I want to give some credit here…aside from the "as we've discussed" and "Yet", I thought this dialogue worked pretty well. It's hard to do, but it felt right to me.

Yay! I did something right!

I'm sticking with the idea that you're talented…and you just aren't living up to your potential here.

Thanks...I think?

Ginger, are you a volunteer editor? Or do you know one who's just as thorough as you were?

Anyway, sorry for taking so long to respond, but yes, I found it very helpful.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Cloudy!

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

It's very sexy leading up to the actual sex, but hmmm....it felt sort of rushed to me, like it happened very, very quickly. The descriptions you wrote are good, but I would like to see a little more detail. Especially on the part of the student - what was she feeling about the situation? No conflict at all? Is she someone that would normally have sex for grades? Or is she caught in a situation where she doesn't want to but has to? When they do have sex, what is she thinking? Well, you get the idea.

I see that more of the "But how does that make you feel?" is needed. These are good points, and makes me want to smack my head when someone else points them out to me. So, thanks. I am sorry the actual act was a disappointment though. That's no fun.

The set up is very nice, taking us immediately into the action, so to speak, as she rushes down the hallway. I would like to know more about why she finds herself in the situation she does...is she taking way too many classes trying to finish? A Resident Assistant's duties aren't really that onerous, at least where I went to school (actually was an R.A. for a year), so I really don't see that as being a burden. Maybe the situation could be changed to where she is working many hours trying to support herself and pay for school, and the conflict of hours worked vs. hours needed for study time would come into play.

I wanted to plunge right into the action, grab the reader's attention. I haven't been an RA myself, but it just seemed to me that the hours required to be making rounds, in the office, etc. would be annoying enough. I'll be sure to expand upon it!

Also, you convey the student's nervousness at having to ask for his help, as if he may be one of those tough professors, but then he's very genial, and welcoming. That was surprising to me.

That, unfortunately, wasn't quite my intention. Looking at it now, she was nervous about what she was about to do, but not neccesarily asking for help. She's comfortable enough to ask the professor for tutoring, but I guess it got lost in his Jekyll and Hyde-ness (to paraphrase from a previous critique)

Another disconnected thought, it seems. I appreciate the fact that you're using realism, but the subject of STD's and enjoying yourself don't seem to flow very well.

Yeah, I wasn't sure whether to leave this in or not. I thought it'd show Emily did think this through, but perhaps the reality didn't hit her until that moment.

I would love to see you expand it a little more. For instance, when they are actually having sex, and she's in his lap, the scene is concentrated on what he's doing, and that's about it. I would love to know how she feels, what she's thinking. When she climaxes, it's almost clinical feeling, since we haven't been let into her mind at that point.

It tells me that I fell for the 'play-by play' problem which so many other writers are prone to do.

It's a nice set-up for another chapter.

Yay! At least I accomplished that.

Thanks, cloudy, for taking the time and effort to review. I appretiate your comments.

 

[hiddenself]

Tight and cleancut little story. You have a pretty cliché plot here, and you obviously tried to cast it in some fresh light. IMO, the results are mixed at best. I will put most of the failures down to inexperience and perhaps insufficient effort, rather than lack of talent or enthusiasm.

I got the impression that you did not work either the story or the writing enough, that you didn't go through the process of rewriting sections, crossing out this paragraph, chopping down that monologue -- you get my point? It feels very raw.

Others have already pointed out the awkwardness of descriptions, narratives, and even dialogue. I couldn't agree more. Let me take the first couple of paragraphs.

"I couldn't believe I was doing this." -- Not quite clilché, but a very tired phrase to start a story.

"Laurence" -- Did you intentionally spell it that way (and not Lawrence)?

"School, being an Resident Assistant or RA and work had simply all caught up to me." -- The school cannot be an RA (that parenthetical phrase should be taken out and shot).

"...to make up for my dismal academic work for his class." -- Is there any other kind of work for a class? This is lifeless, dead writing.

"a deep breathe" -- Breath

"I could feel my heart pounding beneath my t-shirt as I knew it was late and there was a faculty meeting to take place." -- "Late"? What do you mean? It's not as if she's knocking at his home's door at midnight. And how would an ordinary college student know when faculty meetings are scheduled? I am sure the department doesn't include them in regular emails. And even so, all this is hardly cause for palpitations.

"Come in!," -- Lose the comma (there is already a punctuation mark, so the comma is superfluous).

"...especially when I didn't have a boyfriend as I'm sure many of my classmates did." -- "I'm sure" implies she doesn't really know. That's absurd for that age, no (unless she lives under a rock)?

"Unfortunately, academia had taken its toll..." -- Come on, that's cheap. If he has a teaching position (as the story implies), there's really no pressure, it's a pretty relaxed job. What toll?

All right, enough. My main issue is that you really did not succeed (try?) to get under the skin of your characters. Why would Emily be attracted to Larry? Why this professor? "I couldn't help but be drawn to him." That's the extent of what we know. Flat and uniformative.

Those are powerful emotions and psychological forces that come into play between teacher and student. For both sides. Admiration, awe, fear, respect, uncertainty (too young?), coquetry -- there are millions of things to be bleeding out of Emily's thoughts and feelngs and gestures. Where are they? I don't get a sense of anything going on with her. She seems wooden. Even worse for Larry's character. There's no hint of a flattered ego, of feelings of power, pride, confidence, uncertainty (too old?), guilt, fear. None of that comes through. It's as if I am watching jerky puppets.

The story is competent and your enthusiasm does show at places. But in the whole, it stays superficial. I perceive a certain lack of understanding of the setting (academia, professors, etc). That's important in terms of believability but even more important in allowing you to create 'real' characters. And you have to try to get into your characters, understand the environment they operate in, sense the risks they take (both actual and psychological), feel how they feel,. AND convey all that to the reader.

As Larry might say, this won't do--I know you have it in you to do better and I expect you to put in a stronger effort next time.

 

[ShyAzn]

Hi Hiddenself!

I got the impression that you did not work either the story or the writing enough, that you didn't go through the process of rewriting sections, crossing out this paragraph, chopping down that monologue -- you get my point? It feels very raw.

No, I'm afraid I didn't. I am/was new and had one of the volunteer editors tell me "Great job!" without much help editing wise. So that's why I came here.

"I couldn't believe I was doing this." -- Not quite clilché, but a very tired phrase to start a story.

I suppose. I wanted the reader's attention. If my English teachers ever taught me anything, it was to have an opening to draw in the reader.

"Laurence" -- Did you intentionally spell it that way (and not Lawrence)?

Yep! I like this spelling. Is it old-fashioned or something? Is there something wrong with his first name as well as his last?

"Unfortunately, academia had taken its toll..." -- Come on, that's cheap. If he has a teaching position (as the story implies), there's really no pressure, it's a pretty relaxed job. What toll?

I didn't do a very good job of portraying this, I can see.

And you have to try to get into your characters, understand the environment they operate in, sense the risks they take (both actual and psychological), feel how they feel,. AND convey all that to the reader.

Well. That should be a piece of cake.

As Larry might say, this won't do--I know you have it in you to do better and I expect you to put in a stronger effort next time.

Haha. Yes, he might say something like that...or offer to show me instead.

Thank you for taking the time and effort to reply, hiddenself!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

For my money, the essense of a teacher seduction story like this comes not with the sex, but with the emotional change the woman has to undergo when she transforms from being an innocent student to agreeing to become the professor’s sexual toy. That’s a huge change in character and it’s hard for anyone to write convincingly, but in this story I think it’s neglected entirely. She goes from being a nervous coed to a willing fuck-buddy without so much as a second thought about it, and the overall shallowness of emotional affect on her part made the entire piece seem very unreal and contrived to me after that. It didn’t feel honest.

I know that she’s attracted to him and finds him sexy, but still, it takes a lot more than that and the threat of flunking out to get a girl to undress and have sex in a teacher’s office. Even if she were already wild for him, that should have been made clearer. We should have seen her flirting with him and making suggestions of her own.

In fact, the main problem in this story for me was the total lack of emotional involvement and depth in both characters. Things apparently felt good and people had orgasms, but they had none of the trension and conflicts that make for really hot sex. The only thing she worries about is getting pregnant, and that worry has a kind of tacked-on feel, as if it were slipped into the story as a kind of public service announcement, like the warning on a pack of cigarettes. She doesn’t bat an eye when he propositions her, and she apparently feels nothing when he sees her naked. Porn is good when it shows us not just what people are doing sexually, but when their speech and actions show us how they feel about what they’re doing. That’s where this one falls down for me.

There’s a theory of fiction that says that every story is the story of a character’s change, that the protagonist we see at the end is not the same one we see at the beginning. I think that’s true even in porn, and the stories that have the most emotional impact are the ones that show the most profound change. Any story that neglects showing what goes on inside a character's mind and heart during a sexual encounter is going to feel unusually light and fluffy and kind of inconsequential. It won’t feel important.

There’s a lot of creativity and good detail work in here, but it all gets caught up in a kind of fuzziness of focus that I found distracting. I had a hard time pinning down the source of that fuzziness, but I think it comes largely from two sources: (a) the fact that your characters have no emotional anchor--we're dealing with people with no emotions and therefore no depth--and (b) a certain bushiness in your writing style. You have a tendency to tell us more than we need to know and have your narrator step in the way of the story by telling us too much. It’s like you don’t trust the reader to infer things from the action, so you have to tell us what they mean. There are a lot of examples of this, but here’s one paragraph:

"Emily!" he greeted, extending his hand as he came around his desk. "Please, sit. I received your email, so let's get right down it." I smiled back as I shook his hand and sat a comfy couch he had along the wall of his office, helpful for groups of students during review sessions. He set his tall, fit frame down in a chair and settled in, removing his glasses and sliding them into his shirt pocket. After he did so, he folded his legs and smiled, waiting for me to begin.

While we're reading this we're most concerned with the way he's going to greet her: the kind of emotional tone he's going to set. We really don’t need to know where the couch is in his office, and we can pretty well figure out why it’s there without being told. Then basically he sits down and waits for her to begin. All that leg and glasses folding doesn’t tell us anything we need to know, and clogs up the action and distracts us.

There’s another place where she wipes the palms of her hands on her jeans. Nice image, and one we can all understand, so you don’t have to tell us in the next sentence that she was wiping the perspiration from her hands because she was nervous. In a story, the character’s actions always speak louder than their direct comments, and it's always better to let their actions tell us what they're feeling. It’s a show vs. tell thing.

Stylewise, you have comma trouble, especially at the start; commas where you don’t need them, and missing from where you do:

I stared into his eyes for a moment before looking down at my knees bracing myself.

That says that you were looking down at your knees which were bracing yourself. I think you mean that you looked down at your knees, bracing yourself.

There are clarity problems:

I fantasized about him, especially when I didn't have a boyfriend as I'm sure many of my classmates did.[/I[

Do you mean that you’re sure many of your classmates fantasized about him? Or that you’re sure many of your classmates had boyfriends?

And at times the writing isn’t clear about what’s happening. To me, the first duty of a porn story is to paint a vivid image of what’s going on so we see everything. We know just where everyone is and what they’re doing. I was confused by paragraphs like this:

I was very wet now and made to remove the bikini. Again, his hands firmly stopped me, and he gently hooked his fingers around the straps, pulling them down as well. Totally exposed, I wondered what he would do next. To my surprise I heard a sound which seemed like a cross between a growl and a murmur.

What straps? Do bikini panties have straps? Are you naked now or what? And how did his hands "firmly stop" you? Did he grab your wrists, which means one thing, or did he push yourhands away from your panties, which means another, or did he grab you by the shoulders, which again means something else. We can't get a taste for the emotion in this scene unless we know exactly what he did.

For me, it’s very important to know just where everyone is in a sex scene, and when they srated screwing in this story, I had to trace back to find out who was where. I guess she was on her knees on the chair over him? It’s still not clear to me. Was it an arm chair? A desk chair? The sofa? I really want to know. I can't see what's happening unless I know where they are.

Also, look out for "I felt him..." do this or that. Once in a while it's okay, but it's better to say "He put his arms around me" rather than "I felt him put his arms around me" The second puts us at one remove from the action.

I see that this is your first story on Lit. I assume it’s your first porn story, and for a first story I think it’s pretty good. I do think it would have been better if you’d put yourself more into your characters and explored their feelings more and reported what you'd found. It would have fleshed them out and made the story much hotter. The hottest stuff in porn always happens in the character's heads.

I hope Black Tulip reviews this story too. She's a connoisseur of that moment of surrender when a good girl suddenly decides to be a slut, and I'd really like to see her take on this one.

---dr.M.