good or bad idea?

[cryforme1v]

My son is almost 6 and hasnt seen his "father" in over 5 years.
2 weeks ago there was a "father & son day" at the school and my dad had gone with him. a few days later he asked "how come bunka went with me and not my dad. All the other kids dads went" I didnt know what to say, i have always tried not to think about that subject so never really put a plan together on what to tell him.
So i just told him this "Well buddy, your dad didnt want to be with mommy when you were little, so he left and never came back" he asked if it was his fault and i explained to him that it was not his fault, that he just had problems and was really mean to mommy.
After i said that, my brother and nephew got here so he went out to play.
What do i do! what do i say!?
He doesnt really seem to have any temper issues <besides that of a normal 5 year old. "I want candy *huff*"
His father had a really bad temper, if something wasnt just right, i got my ass kicked.

my main question here is-Should i get him into a councilor now or wait till he's a bit older and starts having issues? I dont want him to have problems in life and i dont want him to turn out like his father.
How do i handle this delicate situation properly so it wont hurt him even more?

 

[hatsoff]

I'm pretty sure you are going to need advice past what literotica members can provide, since it is not a question that can be answered in a single post. Or rather, if someone told you exactly what you should do, chances are the very next post is going to be saying the previous person is wrong, leaving you as confused as you were to start.

I believe you should start at this though:

1) Go and get a book, which has good merit, that deals with divorce and read up on it. A councilor is a good idea too if you can find one that is in your price range and/or time schedule.

2) Ask yourself if having his father around will have your child in any psychological or physical danger (but don't exaggerate this to extreme chances)

3) Just talk to your son and be honest about why his father can't be with him.

 

[SweetErika]

My son is almost 6 and hasnt seen his "father" in over 5 years.
2 weeks ago there was a "father & son day" at the school and my dad had gone with him. a few days later he asked "how come bunka went with me and not my dad. All the other kids dads went" I didnt know what to say, i have always tried not to think about that subject so never really put a plan together on what to tell him.
So i just told him this "Well buddy, your dad didnt want to be with mommy when you were little, so he left and never came back" he asked if it was his fault and i explained to him that it was not his fault, that he just had problems and was really mean to mommy.
After i said that, my brother and nephew got here so he went out to play.
What do i do! what do i say!?

It sounds like you did a good job explaining it. If it comes up again in the near future, I might suggest stressing that you and his dad just didn't get along, rather than talking about how he was mean to you. Of course you know it's necessary to continue to reinforce that it wasn't/isn't your son's fault in any way. It might also help to talk about how there are lots of different kinds of families and your family style is special in its own ways because your son has a mom and extended family who give him extra love. Do your best to turn it into a positive while being sensitive to his feelings, you know?

He doesnt really seem to have any temper issues <besides that of a normal 5 year old. "I want candy *huff*"
His father had a really bad temper, if something wasnt just right, i got my ass kicked.

Are you concerned the anger is genetic, that your son might have some of his dad's negative traits even though you've raised him differently?

Personally, I think mental imbalances and such are often genetic, but 99% of a kid's behavior is a direct result of how they're raised. If you're raising your son to use his words, express his feelings appropriately, stay away from violence (including entertainment), be a good citizen (teaching him compassion, to help others, treat people as he wants to be treated, etc.) and you're consistently following through with consequences, he'll likely be a great guy. It's the kids that are missing important elements like that and/or are traumatized by things like abuse that you have to worry about, really. Of course there are always exceptions and special circumstances, but you probably don't need to be concerned about those unless they arise.

Does your son have at least one important permanent (i.e. not your boyfriend) male in his life who exhibits positive behaviors and is on board with how you're raising your kid? Do you make sure he spends a good amount of time with the man/men?

my main question here is-Should i get him into a councilor now or wait till he's a bit older and starts having issues? I dont want him to have problems in life and i dont want him to turn out like his father.
How do i handle this delicate situation properly so it wont hurt him even more?

I think it'd be a good idea to check in with a counselor. Maybe s/he can ascertain how your son is feeling about his dad's absence and provide you with suggestions on how to deal with it constructively, explain it and what warning signs to watch for.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Are you concerned the anger is genetic, that your son might have some of his dad's negative traits even though you've raised him differently?

Personally, I think mental imbalances and such are often genetic, but 99% of a kid's behavior is a direct result of how they're raised.

100% correct on all counts, but especially this one.

 

[fuckmeat]

My son is almost 6 and hasnt seen his "father" in over 5 years.
2 weeks ago there was a "father & son day" at the school and my dad had gone with him. a few days later he asked "how come bunka went with me and not my dad. All the other kids dads went" I didnt know what to say, i have always tried not to think about that subject so never really put a plan together on what to tell him.
So i just told him this "Well buddy, your dad didnt want to be with mommy when you were little, so he left and never came back" he asked if it was his fault and i explained to him that it was not his fault, that he just had problems and was really mean to mommy.
After i said that, my brother and nephew got here so he went out to play.
What do i do! what do i say!?
He doesnt really seem to have any temper issues <besides that of a normal 5 year old. "I want candy *huff*"
His father had a really bad temper, if something wasnt just right, i got my ass kicked.

my main question here is-Should i get him into a councilor now or wait till he's a bit older and starts having issues? I dont want him to have problems in life and i dont want him to turn out like his father.
How do i handle this delicate situation properly so it wont hurt him even more?

I have no kids so I'm not the best person to give you advice. It seems to me though that this is just natural curiosity about his father. Sending him to a counsellor would be a bit premature. Also, you shouldn't be expecting this boy to have a violent temper in the future. That's unfair and if you handle things poorly, it could even be a self fulfilling prophecy. This child is 50% you and he has not had the upbringing or adult life experiences that his father had. Don't make the mistake of assuming that he'll turn into a violent abuser unless you take drastic action of some kind, because that's really unfair on him.

 

[SubNebGuy]

I agree with Erika here. Aside from diagnosed mental conditions (ranging from ADD, depression, to bi-polar/schizo), most people with a bad temper just weren't raised and taught how to cope with their agression and frustration.

Sure, everyone reaches a boiling point where they just have to vent, but when that happens over cold mashed potatoes or a lost sports game...there is a problem. be it a lack of personal control, or actual mental imbalances.

Thing is a lot of mental disorders don't even manifest until puberty, or the 20's.

With the limited info you posted, his father just sounds like an abusive asshole, so its good that he left with his influences so your son wouldn't pick up on those traits.

 

[Elendariel]

I also don't have any kids. The only ideas that sprung to mind are again, if it comes up that no it was not his fautl, of course how can babies or little kids possibly do anything to cause a parent leaving, there're just little!! I like the idea of pointing out how there are lots of different family types. Perhaps you have a mother single (?) or I guess I should say bio-dad out of the picuture friend with a son his age. I wonder if it would help himto have a freind inthe same situation as him. To see that it's okay, common enough. And fine. So long as he doesn't decide that "men don't stick around" and that it is his active choice, but then I'm jumping decades ahead here... There is also the option of signing him up for a big brother if possible or beavers or scouts, but then again I am not sure how heavy scouts are on the father/son activities, but that could be a great place to find other single parents like I mentioned above.. I wish I could help a lot more. Ultimatly I say go with your gut in whatever you decide! I"ve seen a fabulous kids story book on adoption, from a situation of teen pregnancy. Perhaps there are some good kids books that handle this issues as well.

 

[cryforme1v]

2) Ask yourself if having his father around will have your child in any psychological or physical danger (but don't exaggerate this to extreme chances).

the first part of your suggestion is will do, get a book on the subject that has good merit.
But on your number 2. When my son was 6 months old, he tried to kill him. Not going into details but with everything that happened, i was able to get a child abuse restraining order on him for 2 years. He was permitted supervised visitation but declined it.

 

[cryforme1v]

It sounds like you did a good job explaining it. If it comes up again in the near future, I might suggest stressing that you and his dad just didn't get along, rather than talking about how he was mean to you. Of course you know it's necessary to continue to reinforce that it wasn't/isn't your son's fault in any way. It might also help to talk about how there are lots of different kinds of families and your family style is special in its own ways because your son has a mom and extended family who give him extra love. Do your best to turn it into a positive while being sensitive to his feelings, you know?

Are you concerned the anger is genetic, that your son might have some of his dad's negative traits even though you've raised him differently?

Personally, I think mental imbalances and such are often genetic, but 99% of a kid's behavior is a direct result of how they're raised.
Does your son have at least one important permanent (i.e. not your boyfriend) male in his life who exhibits positive behaviors and is on board with how you're raising your kid? Do you make sure he spends a good amount of time with the man/men?


I think it'd be a good idea to check in with a counselor. Maybe s/he can ascertain how your son is feeling about his dad's absence and provide you with suggestions on how to deal with it constructively, explain it and what warning signs to watch for.

I dont think that because his father is bad that he'll be bad, please dont misunderstand. I'm more concerned about him having problems because of an absentee father. My son is the sweetest little devil you'll ever see.

My dad is his permanent male role model. He sees my parents every day, he's always going out in the woods with my dad helping him haul wood or going over to milk the cows at my grandpas. Every time my dad moves, he's right there in his footsteps taggin along.

I'll talk to my HMO and see if i can find a councilor that specializes in kids. Get him in there for an hour or so to just check him out n see if he can see if its affecting him and get advice on warning signs and such.

 

[cyber_slave]

My son is almost 6 and hasnt seen his "father" in over 5 years.
2 weeks ago there was a "father & son day" at the school and my dad had gone with him. a few days later he asked "how come bunka went with me and not my dad. All the other kids dads went" I didnt know what to say, i have always tried not to think about that subject so never really put a plan together on what to tell him.
So i just told him this "Well buddy, your dad didnt want to be with mommy when you were little, so he left and never came back" he asked if it was his fault and i explained to him that it was not his fault, that he just had problems and was really mean to mommy.
After i said that, my brother and nephew got here so he went out to play.
What do i do! what do i say!?
He doesnt really seem to have any temper issues <besides that of a normal 5 year old. "I want candy *huff*"
His father had a really bad temper, if something wasnt just right, i got my ass kicked.

my main question here is-Should i get him into a councilor now or wait till he's a bit older and starts having issues? I dont want him to have problems in life and i dont want him to turn out like his father.
How do i handle this delicate situation properly so it wont hurt him even more?

You know your kid best. I'm thinking to myself "Thank God she didn't stay with him and make it so the kid could have been beat."

Honestly you should ask your son if he wants to talk about it. Kids are much smarter than they let on and it should be up to them what they know or want to know. Keeping in mind that I was raised and agree with the "If they're old enough to want to know or ask, tell them the truth." mentality.

 

[coastal-boy]

sounds to me like you handled it just fine. Six is a little too young for therapy imo...he asked a six-yr-old question and you answered it. Remember that your answers only have to be six-yr-old answers. If you are worried about it, have his grandpa chat with him.

 

[SweetErika]

sounds to me like you handled it just fine. Six is a little too young for therapy imo...he asked a six-yr-old question and you answered it. Remember that your answers only have to be six-yr-old answers. If you are worried about it, have his grandpa chat with him.

Well said, CB. I don't think six is too young to check in with a child psychologist, especially if YOU need a pro's read on the situation and suggestions on how to handle your son's questions and feelings, but it certainly doesn't sound like your son needs therapy to avoid becoming an abuser or anything.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I agree with some of the posters above. It sounds like a normal 6 yr old question, and he seemed to take it pretty well. For the time being, might as well let things lie. And don't convince yourself your boy will be angry like his dad!!! He's you too, and being raised not to be violently angry, I presume. Setting that expectation will just create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I admit, I do not have kids, but I do do horse training and have worked with dogs before. As much as humans would not like to admit it, we're not THAT different. And if you treat a horse like it's going to throw you, it WILL throw you.

I say you're doing a fine job from the sound of it. Let things lie. If you see things take a bad turn, or he begins to take the no-dad thing poorly, then consider help...until then, I think asking for help NOW will only make your boy think there's something that SHOULD be wrong.

 

[bambikiller]

Yep, you did a good job.

All the others above have given good advice.
Just exsplain that you love him and that his, call him his birth fathers leaving is not his fault.
When I was a kid my dad brought my friend who's father had past away and I to a father son function.
My best friend died and I brought his kid to the cub scout events.
And look at all the devorced people out there with kids so there are a lot of people out there in simular situations.
Don't treat it as a big deal and your kid will be fine.
My childs not the same color shade as me, somtimes people don't realize she my kid and some weird comments are made.
I don't pay attention to it and nether does she.

 

[cryforme1v]

so far that was the only question and only time he's asked it. Lets hope it stays that way for a little while till i read into some of these books.