Good n Dirty Jokes

[kaspardividian]

Since I am new here and looking forward to meeting new people, I decided to start a thread that people may keep coming back to for a good laugh. Jokes may be short or long, but they have to be funny, PLEASE!

This is a joke I just had to share, hope you like it:



The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

 

[Dirty_Angel26]

Thanks for the joke.. I needed a laugh

 

[kaspardividian]

I am glad that someone liked that one. I thought it was a classic. . .

 

[done_got_old]

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is
getting dull. One night they're lying in bed when the girl
says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on
her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her with the shit oozing between them, and she
gives him the wildest hump he's ever had. The next time they're
lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He
stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then
he lies on her, and they have another incredible romp.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse
on the days before their dates because it seems the more he
craps on her, the better the sex is. One Thursday night, he has
the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches
and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so
he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get
undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats
down and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and
grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any
substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when
suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"

 

[towelrack77]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch...

 

[done_got_old]

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender
informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to
drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender
suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing
twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into
the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute, kicks him in the ribs and
hollers, "Hey, dumbass, your girl friend has gone home."