Glory and Shame

[Necromata]

Seeking feedback on Glory and Shame

Greetings,
I have decided to come to the experts for advice. I would like some input on my story. I plan to continue it in fact; I am hoping to finish part 4 soon. I am not a prolific author so; I would like the opinions of people who have had more experience.
I hope that with your help I can hone my talents and improve my technique.

Thanks in advance
My Stories and Poems

 

[BodaciousTease]

Glory of the story and the Shame its not working

Well, I'm not sure how much of an expert I am, but I can certainly put in my two cents worth.

I read Parts I, II and II of "Glory and Shame," and I got to tell you, this has got to be one of the hardest reviews to make. I've done a few over the years with writers groups but this one is a tuffy.

You seemed to understand most of the mechanics of writing. You understand description, dialogue, paragraphing, narration, etc etc etc. All the mechanics are there. Just like a meal, you've assembled all the ingredients and followed the recipe exactly the way they have it typed out. You put it in a pan they suggested, set the oven to the correct temperature, you mixed it in the order they told you to; but when it comes out, and you cut into it with a fork to take just a small portion to sample and bring it to your lips for a taste -- it just doesn't have it. The flavor is there but it just doesn't explode across your tongue and make you moan with excitement the way you know it should.

Why?

What is missing is STYLE, and that is the most difficult thing to fix and the hardest thing to explain. It's almost as if you either have it or you don't -- almost but not quite.

The story reads as if it were written in another language and then translated to English with perfect fidelity and precision. There is nothing you can fault the translator for doing -- but he hasn't captured the soul.

Again why?

Well, there are a few things to consider. I'm going to re-copy my notes on psychic distance.

******
There is such a thing as "psychic distance" for narrators you should be familure with, if you aren't already. In terms of film, you might think of it as a dolly shot running from a long-shot all the way up to a very close-up shot which brings the viewer into the story. It's sort of hard to explain how psychic distance translates into writing or how the narrator creates that feeling. It may be easier if I demonstrated it.

1) Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a man in the mountains

2) Bob Fallen was a mountain man of the old school of mountain men that rarely now exists.

3) Bob had been a mountain man since the day he turned sixteen.

4) He had loved those mountains his entire life. Now that it was winter and the snow came floating down in big flakes, he knew the road into town would be closed in a matter of days.

5) I wasn't sure exactly the first time I looked towards those mountains with the thought of never looking back, but I'll never forget the day I actually did it.

6) The ice cracked, then groaned under the leather boots until the whole slab buckled and gave way. In a gasp, all eternity was thrust from my lungs, and into the bitterly cold trap of death I went.

In each case above, the viewer (if I've done this correctly) feels less distant or removed from the actual story. At number 6) hopefully you feel you are living it yourself.

Although you have written in the first person, which generally (not always) gives a closer psychic distance, the words you use and the way you narrate this story gives your tale a very distant and removed feeling -- almost like a fable. Is that bad? No, not in and of itself. What it does, however, is give the story a more intellectual rather than a visual experience.

*******

Wei Yun, as lost her family, but I don't feel the pain. She was scared in the cart being taken away but I don't feel the fear. She doesn't know what's happening to her as the Madam washes her but I don't feel the trepidation. It's almost clinical, it's almost as if Wei Yun is living outside her own body looking in. It is so absent of feeling, despite the fact that the narrator is telling us she is fearful and confused -- that the words just ring false and empty.

A couple of thoughts.

A) You have to mix things up. The pacing of the story can't be all one "psychic distance" -- you will wear out your reader. Your style is monotone and never changes. It's the same repetitive psychic distance all the way through.

B) You use very weak Verbs to describe the narrators feelings: "Strange stirrings filled me . . . " Emotionally I'm lost. I don't know what that means -- What stirrings? What was strange about it? How did they fill her? I mean it's all there intellectually but it lands empty, dry and as brittle as a sixth century B.C, Egyptian's wine skin. Your story is filled with this kind of stuff.

This is classic telling and not showing when you should be showing and not telling.

Here is another:
"The meal was as delicious as it was beautiful." Well okay, your telling me that, but I don't feel it.

"I stood transfixed by his perfect eyes." -- perfect eyes?

****

The way you have the story structured is like a novel. What you have written reads more like an outline for 200 pages once you have flushed it to life. Short stories are probably the most difficult things to write and write well. You have to pick just a few key points and really bring those to life and leave a lot of the rest of it unsaid. A lot of the back story you never really tell.

I think you are trying to do too much here, in my opinon. Add a friend that has been taken in captivity that she can talk too. Shorten this whole thing up -- or better yet, since you probably aren't going to re-write this -- add a friend now and start afresh from this point forward. Don't try to cover so much ground. Pick one conflict Wei Yun can struggle against and make that point of conflict the climax of your chapter as she either wins against it or loses.

And read read read, pick apart what you like about how another author did something and try to do that in your work.

Your story gets a 2 from me. You have a lot of hard work here. It actually is a very good story but the lack of emotion just kills it for me. You can fix it if you want to put the work into it, but it's going to take some work.

Good luck

Bodacious Tease

 

[Necromata]

Thanks for your thoughts. I think there are ideas in your critique that have real merit. No one likes to get a 2 for a rating but, after reading your analysis, I understand and respect your point of view.

"What is missing is STYLE, and that is the most difficult thing to fix and the hardest thing to explain. It's almost as if you either have it or you don't -- almost but not quite."

I wonder how you determine whose style is good or not. I think that "style" is a very subjective concept. This obviously was not your "style," for this there is no remedy...


--"Wei Yun, as lost her family, but I don't feel the pain..."

Since her capture very little time has passed in the story. In fact less than twenty-four hours. I actually did consider that she wasn't showing emotion. Wei was unconscious during the sacking of her village and she hasn't gotten any confirmation of the fate of her people yet.

--"It's almost clinical, it's almost as if Wei Yun is living outside her own body looking in."

In a way, that is what I was going for. The entire story is set as a flashback just prior to a murder/suicide. I hope to be able to pull all of that together by the end of the story. Although the site has parts 1- 3 listed as chapters, which was not my intent at all. In fact, I had submitted them as PARTS 1, 2, & 3, not chapters because I do intend to compile the first four parts into CHAPTER 1.

Just as a note, there is a friendship that develops in the story but, not yet. There hasn't been time or opportunity for that to occur.

Although I was a little disappointed to read your review, it is exactly what I needed. I will actually do a minor rewrite based on some of your suggestions. The only problem is that I don't recall being able to edit work once it is submitted at this site. (If I am incorrect please let me know) So, the changes will probably not show up here...

I want to thank you for this very direct and honest critique. I would welcome the chance to discuss it with you in e-mail. (Necromata@aol.com)

 

[the_bragis]

Hello and welcome Necromata,

I am not an expert or an editor, but I am happy to offer you my opinions, as a fellow writter of erotica. By the way you have chosen an extremely odd name, haven't you?

I have just finished reading chapters one to three. They are good, very good.

I don't always agree with other feedback, and others don't always agree with mine. On this one, I can't agree totally with BT. 'Sorry BT, you may be right, I'm probably wrong, but for me this was pure style. It's well written, easy to read, without any of the ‘fluff’. Fluff, yes you know the extra irrelevant details you so often skim over as you read. I read every single word of this.

I do, however, agree with BT on one issue. It is written as if it has been translated from another language to English. I noted many misused words, and odd phrases. It reminded me of a Japanese exchange student I was at uni with a few years back. But you know what? For me that formed the biggest part of the charm and appeal of this story.

I guess some people might say, oh but you didn’t include enough details of what the village looked like, or maybe her background.......fluff! Your descriptions are simple yet vivid. This story has a simple but intriguing feel about it, exactly like the peasant girl who has 'narrated' it.

I would have enjoyed a little more emotional description, but it didn't prevent me enjoying it.

I am certain this will particularly appeal John Norman fans.

I'm not sure it's belongs with the bdsm stories. I think it would have been very well received in the non-consensual section. Again that is just my opinion.

I must reiterate I am no expert, however, I believe each new dialog should really have fresh paragraph. It just makes it easier for the reader, but otherwise, no problems.

My last point is, I believe the three short chapters could have been blocked into one. Don't worry too much about the length of your submissions, I read one the other day, a damned good one too, that was twelve pages long. Lit readers are fickle people; they want a 'full hit'. The three chapters you have here would easily have fitted onto one page, and I think it would have flowed better without the 'interruptions'

I look forward to reading more of your work...hey I may even check out some of your poetry now..

Have a good day.

Alex (fem)

 

[BodaciousTease]

He be styling

I agree with both of you. I didn't mean to say that you didn't have style, but that I felt the problem with your story lay within the ELEMENTS of style which are the hardest to explain and therefore correct.

You certainly have style -- it was of the detached fable story type -- and for me -- that wasn't working. Again good luck

BT

 

[damppanties]

....The only problem is that I don't recall being able to edit work once it is submitted at this site. (If I am incorrect please let me know) So, the changes will probably not show up here...

Necromata, you can re-submit your story after editing it. Here's the relevant portion from the Lit FAQs:

"- I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

Easy! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 3 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views."

Good luck!

-DP.

 

[Necromata]

Damppanties,
Thanks for the information. I will probably make some minor changes but, the story and style will stay unchanged. I am glad I can go back and do touch-ups if I see something that bothers me.

Thanks again,

 

[damppanties]

Necromata, ur welcome.



-DP.

 

[damppanties]

Necromata, ur welcome.



-DP.