giving all of me

[laurel-marie]

For over a year, I thought I was being a good submissive. Giving myself freely, or so I thought. It wasn't until the last few weeks that I have begun to question myself.Through a series of discussions and disections, I have realized that although I have physically submitted, there are quite a number of areas mentally that I have not given freely. Of course this causes me to wrestle with myself...am I being dishonest, maybe even defiant, do I want to give EVERYTHING. Of course I then play devil's advocate...he never asked me about these things, so why give them, they are MY thoughts, and so on. I have also questioned his Dominance from this type of thinking, even getting mad about it...thinking if he would just force certain issues then it would be taken from my hands and problem solved. Round and round I go.

Is it possible to give yourself completely?
How can you do that. I know for me, there are just some things that, for now, seem super glued to me, and even though I WANT to release them to him, I haven't found a way to be able to do it?
Has this happened to others?

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

oh laurel-marie, i feel like i could have written this post!! ~hugs~

i have struggled with issues very similar to this one ... and where i am now is this ... i have chosen to submit myself to Master ... it is a conscious, informed decision on my part. And as an element of our relationship, i have handed over authority and responsibility over my life. But there are still things that i am responsible for ... and a big one is that i am responsible for sharing all with him ... for being open and asking for what i need. In the past i would get resentful if there was something i was thinking or needing and the "significant other" did not ask or read my mind or some such thing. And now i realize that for me, it was manipulative and controlling to withold information while waiting for Master to "take" control from me and force these issues. Yes, Master guides me and encourages me and reinforces the need for me to be open with him. But ultimately i have to do my part and share my heart and mind with him.

This is an issue i still struggle with and i am sorry if my response is little help ... all i can say is good luck and i have been in a similar place ....

 

[laurel-marie]

This is an issue i still struggle with and i am sorry if my response is little help ... all i can say is good luck and i have been in a similar place ....

Thank you. Your response was helpful in several way.

I just wonder, will I get to a point where I am not struggling?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Thank you. Your response was helpful in several way.

I just wonder, will I get to a point where I am not struggling?

yes

 

[laurel-marie]

yes

encouraging

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

Thank you. Your response was helpful in several way.

I just wonder, will I get to a point where I am not struggling?

Well, i am still struggling with this myself, so perhaps someone else will be able to offer guidance and experience on this issue. The way i see it (and thankfully so does Master) is that i have spent over 30 years creating the habits that have made me who i am ... and one of those habits is keeping thoughts and feelings inside. So i realize that the habit will not change over-night. I need to be constantly conscious of my tendency to not share those pieces of me ... personally those thoughts and such are not things that i am trying to "hide" from Master; they are more things that i don't think to share until Master calls me out on it. [Goodness, i apologize for speaking in circles; it is late and i am waiting up for Master to get home.] What has worked best for me has been to be honest with Master about my habits and worries. He is helping me work through those things because i do want to shed that habit and share all with him.


Perhaps that should be square 1: Do you want to share all of those pieces of yourself with him?

(((HUGS)))
ASB

 

[serijules]

Giving yourself completely does not happen overnight. It doesn't ever really stop once it starts as you are constantly growing, changing, rediscovering yourself as a person and as a submissive.

All these people that claim to have completely submitted every bit of themselves to their partner in a matter of days are, in my opinion, completely missing the spirit of submission, and any top that expects such a thing is too misguided to deserve it. (not saying you are in this sitation, just that I've seen it a lot and don't admire it). Can you imagine how stale your relationship would get if you stopped discovering pieces of yourselves to share with each other?

So...give yourself a little more credit, the fact that you realize and admit this "problem" speaks volumns. The first step to fixing a problem is recognizing it.

The best is yet to come.

 

[laurel-marie]

Well, i am still struggling with this myself, so perhaps someone else will be able to offer guidance and experience on this issue. The way i see it (and thankfully so does Master) is that i have spent over 30 years creating the habits that have made me who i am ... and one of those habits is keeping thoughts and feelings inside. So i realize that the habit will not change over-night. I need to be constantly conscious of my tendency to not share those pieces of me ... personally those thoughts and such are not things that i am trying to "hide" from Master; they are more things that i don't think to share until Master calls me out on it. [Goodness, i apologize for speaking in circles; it is late and i am waiting up for Master to get home.] What has worked best for me has been to be honest with Master about my habits and worries. He is helping me work through those things because i do want to shed that habit and share all with him.


Perhaps that should be square 1: Do you want to share all of those pieces of yourself with him?

(((HUGS)))
ASB

Good question.

 

[laurel-marie]

Giving yourself completely does not happen overnight. It doesn't ever really stop once it starts as you are constantly growing, changing, rediscovering yourself as a person and as a submissive.

All these people that claim to have completely submitted every bit of themselves to their partner in a matter of days are, in my opinion, completely missing the spirit of submission, and any top that expects such a thing is too misguided to deserve it. (not saying you are in this sitation, just that I've seen it a lot and don't admire it). Can you imagine how stale your relationship would get if you stopped discovering pieces of yourselves to share with each other?

So...give yourself a little more credit, the fact that you realize and admit this "problem" speaks volumns. The first step to fixing a problem is recognizing it.

The best is yet to come.

You are right, we are constantly growing and changing.
I think it is scary at times the things you discover about yourself....maybe this is why it is hard to give them up. You are being layed bare...again.

Thank you
You have given me something to think on.

 

[graceanne]

Right now, we're new enough to this that I'm still struggling with giving myself over to him on the day to day stuff. I'm used to being the one in charge and in control. Frankly, that's probably why being a sub appeals to me so much. It's very dificult to me to let him be the boss. I'm sure their will come a point where giving everything to him is a worry, but not now.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The quick answer is no, you never reach that spot...but the longer explanation is as serijules explained, you continue to grow as a person and submissive, thus you continually find places of yourself that were either buried deep or non-existant at previous points in the journey which then require you to peel back the layers to reveal what lies within. That can then lead to more places needing attention, and so it goes on.

There will be times when you sit back and think, 'there, i've done it', but then if your honesty radar comes into focus with some self analysis you will realise you haven't done it, just part of it. That is what makes submission of this type so interesting and addictive IMHO, it is a struggle and challenge, it does require work, and it is fluid and metamorphic when approached openly and honestly and not in a way which mimics the fictionalised accounts where complete submission is always an absolute and beyond reality. It doesn't mean the intention is not there, just that unless you become a robotic sub whose every thought and action is pre-empted by an order so as to form the body and soul in a preconceived image of blank slate syndrome, you are going to discover ways in which you have yet to conquer your inability or ignorance of complete surrender in every facet. Personally, as much as I have seen examples of the robotic sub, I have yet to see one who is the blank slate they profess to be...the denial is rampant.

What really counts is your intention and continued attention to making it happen, and your Dominant's acceptance and support of you while you work toward serving them in the ways they feel matter. What anyone else does or thinks may give insight but is irrelevant to the intricacies of your individual and unique experience.

Catalina

 

[TaintedB]

For over a year, I thought I was being a good submissive. Giving myself freely, or so I thought. It wasn't until the last few weeks that I have begun to question myself.Through a series of discussions and disections, I have realized that although I have physically submitted, there are quite a number of areas mentally that I have not given freely. Of course this causes me to wrestle with myself...am I being dishonest, maybe even defiant, do I want to give EVERYTHING. Of course I then play devil's advocate...he never asked me about these things, so why give them, they are MY thoughts, and so on. I have also questioned his Dominance from this type of thinking, even getting mad about it...thinking if he would just force certain issues then it would be taken from my hands and problem solved. Round and round I go.

Is it possible to give yourself completely?
How can you do that. I know for me, there are just some things that, for now, seem super glued to me, and even though I WANT to release them to him, I haven't found a way to be able to do it?
Has this happened to others?

Yes, it happens to the best of us.

I think I know what you're talking about, but without an example of the sort of thing you mean (something that is not being controlled) I cannot know for sure. You could make one up that is similar to what you are thinking about if actual examples are too personal . In the meantime, here's a rather generic response.

The solution to this apparent paradox is pretty simple but it's a hard one to accept: what you are striving for is inhuman perfection. Your wanting to change, to improve, and your trying to in those areas that are movable at this time are what make you a good submissive. Try to relax and remember who is in charge here. He'll help you change, over time (and some changes take decades, not just years) those things he wants to change and those things he believes are good for you to change. Yes, it's always a good idea to realize one isn't perfect and there's lots of room for improvement, as without that attitude you won't want to change when it becomes necessary, but you need to try to walk a middle ground here and not get too obsessed (or depressed!) with your inperfections or failings or difficulities. If there is something in particular that you really want to change now and that your dominant is not loath to helping you change, you could ask for his help with it, but if he says you aren't ready for that yet or even that he doesn't consider it necessary for you to change that, well then, as hard as it may be, you'll have to just relax and accept it.

Submitting, and even more so, slavery, is very, very hard work, and the job is never finished. One of the more common obtacales in the road, at least in long-term dedicated relationships, is to discover areas in yourself that you withhold from his or her control. When that happens, the best thing to do is what you have already done: air these things with your dominant and ask him or her how they feel about them as control issues. Do his responses to your questions about these things reassure you or do they make sense in the context of your relationship? Remember, he's steering this ship (the relationship), not you, and the direction he thinks it necessary or desirous to go in might not be the same as your own.

No dominant can control everything about a slave even if he wants to (and no dominant ever wants to control everything--mine for instance could have cared less about what I wore and even the most inistent topping from the bottom on my part didn't turn him into a wardrobe manager, lol), so the way I judge someone's dominance is not by what they control or do not control but whether they do a good job controlling the stuff about you that they want to and freely choose to control. There is always the possibility that you are with someone whose desire to control you is incompatible with your need to be controlled, but I want to reassure you that even those of us who are very thoroughly and completely enslaved believe at times that our doms are lazy or not really dominant enough because they aren't controlling or don't even seem aware of or caring about the things that we think we are withholding from their control. Some dominants have a style that may seem incompatible with your personal fantasies. See Jason's thread about acting domly for a good discussion about one such style. My submissive fantasies are usually about men who are extremely strict, harsh, and cold. My own master was, in fact, extremely strict and demanding, but he was at the same time so relaxed, easygoing, humorous, and so deeply concerned about my well-being, that at times I felt like I wasn't being controlled at all. His style made all the extreme things I was actually doing feel effortless. But when I would bring up his apparent lack of control to him, he'd start listing off all the dozens of restrictions and rules I unconsciously and automatically followed. Because they had become so natural to me, so much a part of a regular routine, I could no longer percieve that I was being controlled until all the many differences between my life and that of a free woman's were made explicit to me.

 

[TaintedB]

Thank you. Your response was helpful in several way.

I just wonder, will I get to a point where I am not struggling?

No.

I never reached that point, anyway. (My slavery lasted 16-17 years--but I am a slow learner so perhaps I needed another decade or so ). But you _will_ become more relaxed and less concerned about it, if your dominant is doing his job right.

 

[laurel-marie]

The quick answer is no, you never reach that spot...but the longer explanation is as serijules explained, you continue to grow as a person and submissive, thus you continually find places of yourself that were either buried deep or non-existant at previous points in the journey which then require you to peel back the layers to reveal what lies within. That can then lead to more places needing attention, and so it goes on.
Catalina

I think this is what is happening. For most of the time, I have been focused on the physical aspects of submission (I don't mean all sexual either). Now, I am starting to unravel the mental me...as you said, peeling back layers....and those are harder to bring attention to.

Thank you

 

[laurel-marie]

Yes, it happens to the best of us.

I think I know what you're talking about, but without an example of the sort of thing you mean (something that is not being controlled) I cannot know for sure. You could make one up that is similar to what you are thinking about if actual examples are too personal . In the meantime, here's a rather generic response.

The solution to this apparent paradox is pretty simple but it's a hard one to accept: what you are striving for is inhuman perfection. Your wanting to change, to improve, and your trying to in those areas that are movable at this time are what make you a good submissive. Try to relax and remember who is in charge here. He'll help you change, over time (and some changes take decades, not just years) those things he wants to change and those things he believes are good for you to change. Yes, it's always a good idea to realize one isn't perfect and there's lots of room for improvement, as without that attitude you won't want to change when it becomes necessary, but you need to try to walk a middle ground here and not get too obsessed (or depressed!) with your inperfections or failings or difficulities. If there is something in particular that you really want to change now and that your dominant is not loath to helping you change, you could ask for his help with it, but if he says you aren't ready for that yet or even that he doesn't consider it necessary for you to change that, well then, as hard as it may be, you'll have to just relax and accept it.

Submitting, and even more so, slavery, is very, very hard work, and the job is never finished. One of the more common obtacales in the road, at least in long-term dedicated relationships, is to discover areas in yourself that you withhold from his or her control. When that happens, the best thing to do is what you have already done: air these things with your dominant and ask him or her how they feel about them as control issues. Do his responses to your questions about these things reassure you or do they make sense in the context of your relationship? Remember, he's steering this ship (the relationship), not you, and the direction he thinks it necessary or desirous to go in might not be the same as your own.

No dominant can control everything about a slave even if he wants to (and no dominant ever wants to control everything--mine for instance could have cared less about what I wore and even the most inistent topping from the bottom on my part didn't turn him into a wardrobe manager, lol), so the way I judge someone's dominance is not by what they control or do not control but whether they do a good job controlling the stuff about you that they want to and freely choose to control. There is always the possibility that you are with someone whose desire to control you is incompatible with your need to be controlled, but I want to reassure you that even those of us who are very thoroughly and completely enslaved believe at times that our doms are lazy or not really dominant enough because they aren't controlling or don't even seem aware of or caring about the things that we think we are withholding from their control. Some dominants have a style that may seem incompatible with your personal fantasies. See Jason's thread about acting domly for a good discussion about one such style. My submissive fantasies are usually about men who are extremely strict, harsh, and cold. My own master was, in fact, extremely strict and demanding, but he was at the same time so relaxed, easygoing, humorous, and so deeply concerned about my well-being, that at times I felt like I wasn't being controlled at all. His style made all the extreme things I was actually doing feel effortless. But when I would bring up his apparent lack of control to him, he'd start listing off all the dozens of restrictions and rules I unconsciously and automatically followed. Because they had become so natural to me, so much a part of a regular routine, I could no longer percieve that I was being controlled until all the many differences between my life and that of a free woman's were made explicit to me.

I am just glad to know, I am not alone with this. Sadly, I have no other place to ask these things and learn that what I am feeling or going through is normal, so just hearing "it happens to the best of us" helps a whole lot.

...try to walk a middle ground here and not get too obsessed (or depressed!) with your inperfections or failings or difficulities. I am much harder on myself then my husband will ever be. He is more the layed back type. What I think are big issues, he will just smile and tell me I worry too much. Makes me want to yell sometimes...here I am fretting and worrying and working myself into a frenzy, only to have him set it aside, tell me I'm fine.

<sigh> Maybe I am trying to control myself and not let him do the controling. I do that alot I find. LOL Domming myself...kind of funny. Anyway...thank you. Talking/reading what all of you have said has me thinking a little differently.

 

[Netzach]

Other side view of this... the taking has to be equal to the giving.

In other words, I don't look for a sub or slave to sweat the things they are not being asked.

Of course, that often comes with the personality type territory of my subs

 

[catalina_francisco]

<sigh> Maybe I am trying to control myself and not let him do the controling. I do that alot I find. LOL Domming myself...kind of funny. Anyway...thank you. Talking/reading what all of you have said has me thinking a little differently.

That can be part of it too.....do it often myself. I think for many who aim to please, we tend to try and anticipate what is wanted, needed, desired and act on it, or beat ourselves up for not. Our level of perfection often tends to be distorted as well which makes us feel we can do something better when all along our Dominant is overjoyed with how well we have done and to improve on it goes into an area where it does not please them but we assume it should...then get confused and sometimes depressed it hasn't worked as we anticipated. I get told often enough 'it is not what you think I want which is important, but what I really do want and ask of you which is what you should do your best to achieve...no more, no less'.

Catalina

 

[curiousjen]

Speaking frankly for myself, Laurel- Marie I am only starting on this journey and I have much to learn. As you already know from some of the wonderful posts here, you are not alone. This is something I have struggled with muchly. One of the things that has been really stressing me out recently is my addictive personality. Although I don't do drugs anymore or even drink that much- the addictive process is still the same for the things I am addicted to - coffee and chocolate. Although these are relively harmless drugs, I am limited on how much I am allowed of them because they (particularly coffee) fuel my hypomania and as O argues they are simply not that good for you- mania or no mania.

Now, I want to be a good submissive. I really do. He has set me an order, I can have two cups of coffee a day, whilst he's out at work and then balance it out with a herbal tea to calm me down. This is a fair and just order that I see the sense of and don't take issue with in any way.

Usually I average around 7 or 8 cups, and that's just before lunch! and the nature of my addiction means that I can't tell him....I just can't bring myself to. Because if I do then I know the coffee maker will go in the bin and I'll be in he doghouse but much worse than that...I'll have to give that side over to him and quite frankly I don't want to because hypomania is fun a lot of the time.

urgh!

And I'm sure some people are thinking hell its only coffee big deal who cares? There are smackheads in the world who would kill to be addicted to coffee. But I worry about it a lot, and this whole cycle of worry and guilt is totally doing my head in and undermining my submission. All the rules I do obey, all the thoughtful things I do to please him simply don't matter in my head anymore because of this one act of disobediance. So tell him! you scream....but... the thing is, I just don't feel ready to give all of myself, I guess. I like the idea of it, sure, but the reality is so damn hard.

I know I'm rambling Laurel marie and i didn't mean to offload on you, I was just trying to illustrate my point that sometimes there are bits of you that are hard to let go of. You really are not alone.

 

[SueJ]

Laurel-Marie, this is a great topic and there are so many good posts here!

TaintedB...I love what you have to say about

No dominant can control everything about a slave even if he wants to (and no dominant ever wants to control everything--mine for instance could have cared less about what I wore and even the most inistent topping from the bottom on my part didn't turn him into a wardrobe manager, lol),

YES!!! The last thing on earth my Master needs is to have the added responsibility of micro-managing my life! lol.... He's got enough to contend with. My submission to him is total and without limits, which leaves him to select which aspects of my life he wishes to control---all or very little, which he can change at will. He is no less of a Master because he doesn't care what time I get my hair cut. 'Know what I mean? He controls those things which he feels are important to control; it is not my job to make those decisions for him and force control on him in areas he's not interested in controlling; rather, it is my job to give him what he wants. All the things he can't/won't/doesn't want to be bothered with are my responsibility as his sub/slave. I don't like to add to his stress. 20+ years of living with me has been hard enough. LOL....

Sue

 

[laurel-marie]

That can be part of it too.....do it often myself. I think for many who aim to please, we tend to try and anticipate what is wanted, needed, desired and act on it, or beat ourselves up for not. Our level of perfection often tends to be distorted as well which makes us feel we can do something better when all along our Dominant is overjoyed with how well we have done and to improve on it goes into an area where it does not please them but we assume it should...then get confused and sometimes depressed it hasn't worked as we anticipated. I get told often enough 'it is not what you think I want which is important, but what I really do want and ask of you which is what you should do your best to achieve...no more, no less'.

Catalina

I do this too. Give more then asked for then get upset when the "extra" wasn't even noticed. I will even complicate things he has asked because what he wanted was too simple.


I guess sometimes the Dominants think us submissivess can be a silly lot.

 

[TaintedB]

Laurel-Marie, this is a great topic and there are so many good posts here!

TaintedB...I love what you have to say about


YES!!! The last thing on earth my Master needs is to have the added responsibility of micro-managing my life! lol.... He's got enough to contend with. My submission to him is total and without limits, which leaves him to select which aspects of my life he wishes to control---all or very little, which he can change at will. He is no less of a Master because he doesn't care what time I get my hair cut. 'Know what I mean? He controls those things which he feels are important to control; it is not my job to make those decisions for him and force control on him in areas he's not interested in controlling; rather, it is my job to give him what he wants. All the things he can't/won't/doesn't want to be bothered with are my responsibility as his sub/slave. I don't like to add to his stress. 20+ years of living with me has been hard enough. LOL....

Sue

Well, er, I don't want to give the wrong impression. He was a micro-manager, just not about anything having to do with appearance, which he considered superficial, unimportant, and also boring. But about all the essential stuff he was right there, making the decisions.

 

[laurel-marie]

Speaking frankly for myself, Laurel- Marie I am only starting on this journey and I have much to learn. As you already know from some of the wonderful posts here, you are not alone. This is something I have struggled with muchly. One of the things that has been really stressing me out recently is my addictive personality. Although I don't do drugs anymore or even drink that much- the addictive process is still the same for the things I am addicted to - coffee and chocolate. Although these are relively harmless drugs, I am limited on how much I am allowed of them because they (particularly coffee) fuel my hypomania and as O argues they are simply not that good for you- mania or no mania.

Now, I want to be a good submissive. I really do. He has set me an order, I can have two cups of coffee a day, whilst he's out at work and then balance it out with a herbal tea to calm me down. This is a fair and just order that I see the sense of and don't take issue with in any way.

Usually I average around 7 or 8 cups, and that's just before lunch! and the nature of my addiction means that I can't tell him....I just can't bring myself to. Because if I do then I know the coffee maker will go in the bin and I'll be in he doghouse but much worse than that...I'll have to give that side over to him and quite frankly I don't want to because hypomania is fun a lot of the time.

urgh!

And I'm sure some people are thinking hell its only coffee big deal who cares? There are smackheads in the world who would kill to be addicted to coffee. But I worry about it a lot, and this whole cycle of worry and guilt is totally doing my head in and undermining my submission. All the rules I do obey, all the thoughtful things I do to please him simply don't matter in my head anymore because of this one act of disobediance. So tell him! you scream....but... the thing is, I just don't feel ready to give all of myself, I guess. I like the idea of it, sure, but the reality is so damn hard.

I know I'm rambling Laurel marie and i didn't mean to offload on you, I was just trying to illustrate my point that sometimes there are bits of you that are hard to let go of. You really are not alone.

LOL...don't worry about rambling. I do it all the time.

The part where you say you worry about the coffee thing and it creates a cycle of worry and guilt that undermine your submission....I will do that, or because I feel guilty about one thing, I obsess over everything else wearing myself down.
Thanks for sharing and making me feel better.

 

[TaintedB]

LOL...don't worry about rambling. I do it all the time.

The part where you say you worry about the coffee thing and it creates a cycle of worry and guilt that undermine your submission....I will do that, or because I feel guilty about one thing, I obsess over everything else wearing myself down.
Thanks for sharing and making me feel better.

I've done the "coffee routine" too. Not about coffee per say, but about other things that seemed equally important not to tell him, even though it made me feel guilty not to do so. Withholding stuff is one of the hardest things to get over. You think you're free of it, and then something _new_ comes up that seems important to hide away from his sight. When my dominant figured out that there was something I was afraid to tell him or certain areas that were hard for me to admit the truth about, he helped me overcome that reluctance by lowering the consequences associated with revelation. Had it been coffee, he would have reassured me that he would not do anything abrupt or immediate about it. No throwing out of the pot. To him, knowing things about me, understanding me, was much more important that my obeying every little order perfectly so he tried to make disclouse as painless and a process for me as possible so I would not fear that confiding in him would bring awful consequences. He also had to work on my fear of telling him stuff, which grew and grew and grew, the longer I withheld the info. from him. Even with all this help, I still feared to fully disclose things to him at times--as someone said it here, it's hard to fight decades of conditioning that goes in the opposite direction of what he was trying to teach me--but it slowly made an impression and I learned to trust him more and to tell him more. I learned I wouldn't get hurt or punished for doing so. (Now some dominants out there DO punish their slaves when the latter admit to wrongdoings. And then they have the gall to wonder why their slaves become so secretive? You have to start out, I think, by _not_ reinforcing the behavior (hiding, keeping secrets) that is at the root of the problem! If a slave admits to doing something wrong and then you immediately punish her for that thing, what does she learn? That if she admits bad things she has done to you, even if she really wants to get them off her chest, things will go very badly for her, duh. ) Once my dominant knew what was wrong with me, he could then devise workable (not unbearable, absolute, or painful) solutions to fix the problem, but until that point, while he remained in the dark, his hands were tied: he could not give me the support he wanted to and was quite able to give me about something troubling me.

Once again the non-disclosing stuff is one of those things that gets better over time, but I don't know if it ever completely goes away. And it can be hard if you're with someone new to dominanting and they don't realize they're accidentally reinforcing the behavior that is so counterproductive by punishing you when you admit to things. I was lucky, my dom had had bdsm relationships before me and by the time he got to me, he knew stuff like that because he'd done it to others and observed the results.

By all means, if it's safe to tell your dominant something you worry about and you can bring yourself to tell him, do so. The relief from that guilt and pressure is so worth screwing up your courage and coming out with it.

 

[laurel-marie]

I've done the "coffee routine" too. Not about coffee per say, but about other things that seemed equally important not to tell him, even though it made me feel guilty not to do so. Withholding stuff is one of the hardest things to get over. You think you're free of it, and then something _new_ comes up that seems important to hide away from his sight. When my dominant figured out that there was something I was afraid to tell him or certain areas that were hard for me to admit the truth about, he helped me overcome that reluctance by lowering the consequences associated with revelation. Had it been coffee, he would have reassured me that he would not do anything abrupt or immediate about it. No throwing out of the pot. To him, knowing things about me, understanding me, was much more important that my obeying every little order perfectly so he tried to make disclouse as painless and a process for me as possible so I would not fear that confiding in him would bring awful consequences. He also had to work on my fear of telling him stuff, which grew and grew and grew, the longer I withheld the info. from him. Even with all this help, I still feared to fully disclose things to him at times--as someone said it here, it's hard to fight decades of conditioning that goes in the opposite direction of what he was trying to teach me--but it slowly made an impression and I learned to trust him more and to tell him more. I learned I wouldn't get hurt or punished for doing so. (Now some dominants out there DO punish their slaves when the latter admit to wrongdoings. And then they have the gall to wonder why their slaves become so secretive? You have to start out, I think, by _not_ reinforcing the behavior (hiding, keeping secrets) that is at the root of the problem! If a slave admits to doing something wrong and then you immediately punish her for that thing, what does she learn? That if she admits bad things she has done to you, even if she really wants to get them off her chest, things will go very badly for her, duh. ) Once my dominant knew what was wrong with me, he could then devise workable (not unbearable, absolute, or painful) solutions to fix the problem, but until that point, while he remained in the dark, his hands were tied: he could not give me the support he wanted to and was quite able to give me about something troubling me.

Once again the non-disclosing stuff is one of those things that gets better over time, but I don't know if it ever completely goes away. And it can be hard if you're with someone new to dominanting and they don't realize they're accidentally reinforcing the behavior that is so counterproductive by punishing you when you admit to things. I was lucky, my dom had had bdsm relationships before me and by the time he got to me, he knew stuff like that because he'd done it to others and observed the results.

By all means, if it's safe to tell your dominant something you worry about and you can bring yourself to tell him, do so. The relief from that guilt and pressure is so worth screwing up your courage and coming out with it.

This is so true. What is funny, I have told my kids they can come and tell me something they did wrong and I will not go nuts on them. The wrong doing will be discussed and have a much less consequence. Why I don't take my own advice I will never know. My husband has never brought down a harsh punishment for some wrong doing if I tell him about it so I am not sure why I do it.

 

[laurel-marie]

Does a happy dance around the room, singing...

I'm normal. I'm normal.
Lalalalala la