Give me your HONEST opinion

[WizardNDorothy]

Well, I finally got brave enough to post my first story. I often write short stories for my wife....and she say's they are really good....but I think she is biased. So I posted a story here in hopes of getting some honest feedback. What have I done well? How can I improve?
I welcome all comments, criticisms, witticisims, bitches, gripes, complaints or compliments. And, of course, feel free to vote and let the numbers do the talking.
The story can be found at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=89489

Thanks for your feedback!!
Michael

 

[Guest]

imaginative, although I would've added more explicit details.
"Patricia awoke with a start"? I dont understand that part.
Great structure and character outlines.

 

[Chardonnay]

"awoke with a start" - a not at all rare phrase meaning woke up abruptly through some outside influence such as a touch or sound or through an indeterminate influence such as a startling occurance in a dream.

WizardNDorothy, the last thing I want is to hijack this thread and continue this business with De Sade in here. But I thought it was important that you know that phrase is easily understandable to most. I promise I won't post in this thread again unless it's to give feedback.

Good luck.

 

[Guest]

"awoke with a start" - a not at all rare phrase

wrong. I believe she meant startle, not start.
Also, just because you hate me doesn't mean you have to follow me into every thread and dismiss what I say.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's a very nice first story. Very clean and neat, and your mechanics are beyond criticism as far as I could tell.

Your story-telling is very nice: the pacing and rhythm, how much space you devote to each bit of action.

It's also very average. If that's what you want, then maybe we should leave it at that.

Nah, I know you want to improve, right? So here's what I see:

You suffer from the common ailment of telling not showing, which means you tell us what happens rather than showing us what the cjaracters are doing. That's what gives the story such a remote feeling and why the characters never really come to life. There's very little descriprion in the story and no dialogue.

By description, I don't mean that you have to stop and give us a shopping list of their features and characteristics. Description comes out in how the characters act, what they say and think, the way they do things.

Dialogue is probably the easiest way to bring a story to life. Even a moan or a groan does wonders.

The most vivid part of the story is the sex scene, which is as it should be, but read over it again and see how jerky it reads. You use a lot of the same sentence structure throughout. Varying the sentence structure would do wonders, and more descriptive prose would help too.

Another thing that would help is getting rid of the "she felt"s. Instead of "She felt him stroking her back", try "He stroked her back." This takes the story out of her exclusive point of view and lets us see what's going on.

All in all though, a neat piece of work. Tell your wife she's right.

All the best,

---dr.M.

 

[lovechild27]

I have read "woke with a start" in many other pieces....it isnt that out of the ordinary...

 

[dr_mabeuse]

"Woke with a start" is a perfectly acceptable and quite common English idiom meaning to awaken suddenly, or to be startled awake.
In fact, "start" is the noun form of startle. "You startled me." "You gave me quite a start."

---dr.M.

 

[fieryjen]

English isn't my first language but I know exactly what that sentence means, so it can't be that rare... actually it sounds pretty normal to me, which means I must have heard / read it quite a few times.

 

[Guest]

I have read "woke with a start" in many other pieces....it isnt that out of the ordinary...

well, to me it IS out of the ordinary. I can not think of one story of any genre that it was used.

But anyway, the story is average but if that's what you were
going for, ok.

 

[hiddenself]

Mr impeccable-credentials DeSade:

Webster's definition (verbatim) for "start" (noun):

1 a : a sudden involuntary bodily movement or reaction <woke with a start>

Now, I'll give you another word definition:

1 : a person affected with idiocy; especially : a feebleminded person having a mental age not exceeding three years and requiring complete custodial care
2 : a foolish or stupid person

Care to guess what word this is?
You should know.

 

[honeysucklerose]

I thought your story was well done. It could use a little more description but sometimes a short story is better than something overdone.

Personally, I like the experiential feel to it rather than a more objective view. The "she felts," if you will. For me a story takes me much more into it if it's about what the characters are experiencing rather than what I might see if I'm watching. You don't want to be redundant with the wording but there are ways to get around that. For instance, "the wetness was hot on his cock as he watched her take him into his mouth" would bring me much more into the experience than "she took his cock into his mouth while he watched." This may not be exactly what the doc was alluding to but it's my take on it.

Hope to read more from you.

 

[fieryjen]

well, to me it IS out of the ordinary. I can not think of one story of any genre that it was used.

Maybe not here, but I recall reading it in the fourth Harry Potter Book... bad example maybe, but there you go.