Girls masterbating

[CW]

This is not a "how to" question, or maybe it is. But, please bear with me for a few minutes.

NOTE: this is NOT an incest related question either, and if your reply is along that line, then keep it to yourself please.

About three months ago my stepdaughter, who is 9 1/2 years old, smart beyod belief, and just begining to start her transformation to developing a figure, approached me with a question about her sexual development. She wanted to know when she was going to get breasts and be able to have babies. And she was very serious.

WHOA!!!! Where did this come from?

Okay, her oldest sister (21) is 6 months pregnant and had just come to live with us for a few months or a year or three. That apparently started the questions. Makes sense to me.

So, my wife and I decided that maybe she ( my wife that is ) should begin some sex education talks with the younger daughter, and maybe she should also enlist the help of the eldest daughter as well. Makes sense to me.

Well, the youngest listened for about two hours or so and said she understood. Two days later while she and I were grocery shopping (one of our normal activities together) she asked me for a private talk when we got home. Not a normal request, but not unheard of either.

Later that evening we went to my office to have our private talk, I had already told my wife about the request and she was clueless as well. Turns out that the stepdaughter wanted to know about masterbation. So we had a talk about masterbation and I stressed that it was a normal thing. I also stressed that it was normal in private surroundings and maybe not such a good thing to do in public at this point in her life.

Now, the background of this post is over.

The question is this; what is, or is there, a "normal" amount of masterbation for young ladies? While she took my remark about "private surroundings" to heart and does not caress herself in school or outside of our house (yet), she almost constantly has her hands in her pants or else is caressing her nipples. What has prompted this request for feedback is that both of the last two nights prior to her going to sleep I have heard groans and heavy sighs from her room. ( her room is next to my office space, and I usually do some drafting at night )

I understand that masterbation IS normal, I personally started at 12 and have yet to quit at 50. My wife swears that she does not, nor has she ever masterbated and is quite blind to what is going on with her youngest. The stepdaughter and I have had casual chats about sex since the big one with her mom, and I have remarked on her constant playing with herself. She simply says that it feels very good and reminds me that I said it was normal.

Any advice or opinions? I really do not want to place to much emphisis on her activities and cause her to feel that it is wrong or "nasty" as my parennts had told me when I got found out.

 

[ReadyOne]

Like in many things, if unless there's an obvious problem on the horizon, I'd not mess.

I'd smile to myself and be happy she's getting into sexual satisfaction, and invite mom in to listen, just to share, and to make sure that everyone with a relevant interest knows what's happening.

 

[N8Dreams]

This is not a "how to" question, or maybe it is. But, please bear with me for a few minutes.

a serious question should be answered seriously.
In opposite to men female orgasm has to be "learnt".
Masturbation is no bad thing, its useful to become a mature, sex enjoying woman.
When I was 12 I did it regulary, all days. Nowadays I can get multiorgasms.
Tell her to do it and do it frequently. Take away her bad conscious. Its fine and its pleasuring. What's better than pleasure? She will become a glad woman

 

[Mysty61]

There is no magic figure for how often someone should masturbate. Everyone is different some do it often some do it seldom. Whatever your stepdaughter is comfortable with should be fine for her as long as it does not take over her life. I would be concerned about her walking around the house all the time with her hand in her pants. I think she should be told masturbating is a private thing, and she does not need to involve the whole family in her pleasure. I sure would not be judgemental with her or try to regulate how often she masturbates, but I would be concerned that she is doing it in front of you or others even if they are family members. I think your only concern should be that she can control her activities and keep them to herself. Also perhaps you should find something to do for a period of time after she goes to bed rather then being in your office listening. You are her step-father and I would be very careful about talking to her about sex and opening youself to her sex life. This could lead to all kinbds of problems which I doubt you want to be involved in

 

[N8Dreams]

In sex are no rules.
The only rule I know is dont do anything you like not suffer by yourself.

 

[Bobmi357]

In sex are no rules.
The only rule I know is dont do anything you like not suffer by yourself.

I disagree. His daughter is experiencing a novelty right now, and eventually the novelty of the experience will wear off, and while I'll agree that she needs to learn how her body reacts before she can have a normal sex life, she also needs to learn there are limits placed upon her by society.

Masturbation is a normal, healthy exercise, but it should never become an all-consuming obsession either. Although she is rather young, since she feels she is grown up enough to masturbate, then perhaps she is also mature enough that Mom or Step-Dad can sit down and talk to her about moderating her behavior to the privacy of her bedroom and to keep the noise level down.

While it's fun, and it feels great, there are simply things one doesn't do, and masturbating or playing with one's self in front of family members is one of them. People aren't born with a sense of built in restraint, it develops over the course of life by observing the reactions of others.

Sit her down for a talk, explain to her that she's encouraged to do this, but also explain there is a time and place for it.

I would also like to point out that while she may be distracting to you and your drafting, according to your own post, she's gone to bed, she's in the privacy of her own room. I WOULD not make much of an issue of this for that reason. If she's doing something in public thats different. But she needs to feel safe and secure in her room. Complaining about her activities will rob her of that security. Might I suggest that a walkman and a nice comfortable pair of headphones will solve that particular problem for you just fine.

I think you and your wife are on the right footing with this. You've managed to develop enough of a rapport with your step-daughter that she felt comfortable asking you what I would consider very embarassing questions. I think I would be pleased to realize that if I were in your situation.

As to the frequency, hey, we all overdid it when we "discovered" it. I think she'll eventually moderate her own behavior, but right now its a novelty.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, maybe it's because of the type of work that I do (Children's Protective Services), but I'm seeing all sorts of red flags here.

If mom and older sister sat this 10 year old down for "the talk", why didn't she go back to her mother to find out about masturbation? Was masturbation discussed with mom and sister? If not, how did she find out what this was?

It is admirable that your stepdaughter seems to have the type of relationship with you that she can talk freely with you, but I wonder. Normally, children coming into their sexual awareness have a natural shyness talking about it with the opposite gender parent. (Not in all cases, I understand, but most) My advice is to get mom involved.

Yes, yes, I know it's all natural, we're all enlightened, we all need to strip away society's boundaries, blah, blah, blah. Fact is, when sexual situations arise between steparent and stepchild, things can get sticky. All you need is one nosey friend, neighbor, or relative to overhear your daughter stating that you told her how to masturbate and when to do it. I don't think you want to hear what happens when an agency such as the one I work for gets involved. It's not pleasant.

Let your stepdaughter know that you love and care about her, but there are certain subjects that are simply best discussed with her mother. If she wants a private conversation, ask the nature of it, and if it is sexual, ask her if she would mind if her mother was present.

We live in a screwed up world. There are some people who might look at what you have done so far and make that phone call that could turn you and your family's world upside down. Your stepdaughter is growing into a young woman. Let the woman that is your wife (and her mother) help her transition into it.

Oh, and just a little word to the wise? If a child that age is touching herself in public or acting out sexually, it can sometimes (sometimes!) be a sign of sexual abuse. (No, not by you or any member of the family - could be some one outside of the family) I don't mean to alarm, but one of the classic signs that a child has or is being abused sexually is a constant need/desire to touch themselves, and does so publically.

 

[wicked woman]

Some good advice has been given already....the only comment I'd like to add is Chele I hear your concerns and understand them, but perhaps his step daughter did mention masturbation to her Mom but didn't get the answer she needed. CW said his wife admits she has never masturbated so perhaps couldn't offer advice or it wasn't as accepting as CW's.


As an aside...I find your advice prudent but still very sad...that a step Dad needs to be that concerned about talking about his (step) daughter's sexuality.

 

[Eating_Scarlett]

I find it hard to believe this girl walks around the house with her hands down her pants or touching her nipples.

Something's wrong there.

Generally speaking, when children are first becoming aware of their sexuality they ARE shy about it, and unless she's totally daft, she's also aware that noone outside or even INSIDE the house walks around touching themselves. She MUST know it's not acceptable.

I worked in a pre-school during college, and we had a boy who would touch himself constantly... we eventually found out he was being abused.

I'd check it out. Masturbation is normal, but walking around in public touching yourself sexually is not.

 

[Four_Inch_Heels]

Not much new to add....I think it's great your stepdaughter feels close enough to talk to you about something so private. I agree with having her mother present though. I know I would rather have died than talk to either of my parents about sex.

She has to be told masturbating is something she does in privacy, and not just the privacy of her own home....the privacy of her bedroom, or the bathroom. I can imagine unexpected company popping over, and there she is with her hands down her pants....

As was mentioned before, this is her "new toy". She'll seem obsessed with it for awhile, then find something else to entertain herself with.

I'd also look into the possibility she's being abused by someone. I don't really remember how old I was when I started jacking off, but 9 seems kinda young to me.

 

[watergirl]

9 and a half. I don't remember being 9 and a half. Pretty vague on that whole childhood thing, but I definitely got the vibe from my parents that masturbation was a no-no. Didn't stop me, or make me less curious, but I was quieter than quiet.

I think it's very cool that you haven't freaked her out or yelled at her or spooked her. Headphones for you would be great.

I'd be more concerned with her maturity in relationship to boys. Boys can be opportunistic creeps, and girls can take pride in a lot of weird things that aren't actually healthy. I'd encourage you & your wife to talk to her in a non-scare-tactic way about STDs & getting pregnant, and how to be particular about what guys she gets close to and what her boundaries are for her age.

That may sound silly, her being 9 and half... but my friend is a doctor and knows someone who's grandmother BECAME a grandmother at the whopping age of 26. So, hey - stranger things on this earth, unfortunately.

And, yeah, without a doubt - privacy of her own room, and don't let her hog the bathroom, either. My mom put a 10 minute shower time limit on me, heh heh heh.

Good luck. If your wife is more conservatively minded - never masturbated?!? - then she certainly ought to be speaking up about your daughter wandering around the house touching herself.

Good gravy, batman.

 

[CW]

thanks, one and all

I guess that I must be a dolt or something,,, I never thought about the abuse angle.

Nor did I think about Protective Service involvement.

All I know, or more correctly; KNEW, was that I have worked my tail off to get a comfortable, trusting relationship established with my stepdaughters. It appears that while I may have succeded, I am also opening myself up to potential problems. SHEESH!!! There simply is no winning any longer.

So, two things that I have learned this evening. One is that the elder stepdaughter was the one that inadvertianly broached the subject of masterbation, in that she got walked in on by the younger. And when asked what she was doing, replied that she was masterbating and gave no further answers or info except to shoo the youngest from her room.

Two, is that the stepdaughter DID ask her mom about it, but my wife was too embarassed to give her an immediate answer. So she came to me looking for the answers.

We will be looking into the abuse angle by involving a social worker from our school district. We will also be having a talk later this week about the rules of society.

Again, thank you all for the thoughtful responses, both here and in PM's.

 

[ChasingShadowsX]

A 10 year old girl masturbating is a little strange if you ask me.

I guess at least your daughter is happy and comfortiable enough to be open with you.

Anyhow, there is no definition of normal and as for masturbation it is fine and healthy as long as it does not interfear with life.

I've heard of girls masturbating 3 - 5 times a day and I've heard of girls never masturbating at all.

So once again there is no normal

 

[lovechild27]

Im surprised im the only one to ask why you waited so long to tell her about her own body. A girl that age should know better than to touch herself in public...it really isnt appropriate. In all reality, someone should of let her know about this long ago. Kids start to masterbate at VERY young ages...even three or four. Any preschool teacher or day care worker can attest to that. But...you are just the step dad and you probably werent there during those times (my guess) she is curious...growing up. Thats all. Let her know its ok to explore herself but in private.

 

[littlecat]

This may seem like a silly thing to bring up, but I don't remember nipples having anything to do with masturbation when I was young...

I mean, I can remember masturbating at 6 years of age and my mom yelling at me for doing it when she caught me, but I don't remember nipples having anything to do with it until after I grew breasts!! Young girls playing with their nipples bothers me...... I am wondering where she gets the idea that they are for sex is coming from??

I sincerely hope things are just a little confused for her and that she is not a victim of anyone taking advantage. *shudder*
L.

 

[lovechild27]

Young girls playing with their nipples bothers me...... I am wondering where she gets the idea that they are for sex is coming from??

I did it all the time. No one ever told me they could be used sexually. I just tried it and figured out it felt good.

 

[Four_Inch_Heels]

This may seem like a silly thing to bring up, but I don't remember nipples having anything to do with masturbation when I was young...

She may have seen her older sister playing with hers when she saw her jacking off.

 

[SexyChele]

CW ~

Didn't mean to scare you with the abuse part. Working where I do, I see the absolute worse of humanity. It is a wise thing to at least consult with a social worker now, be pro-active rather than re-active later. A good social worker can sit down with a child and have a complete conversation about sexual matters without mentioning anything sexual. (Important that child discloses any inappropriate behavior.)

It also sounds to me as though you and your wife need a private heart to heart. Perhaps she doesn't masturbate and sees no need for it, but her daughters are evidently very different in that regard. She must learn to face these issues and discuss them with her daughters to promote a healthy communication. (I'm sure she is talking to her older daughter about her pregnancy? It's the same thing, really, just another part of human sexuality.)

Also, it might be wise to point out to the older sibling about what she may or may not be exposing her younger sister to. Keep in mind that, with her pregnancy, a lot of attention will naturally be focused on the older sibling. To the younger one, this could be interpreted that pregnancy is a way to garner attention. Especially if there is any type of jealousy issues between the siblings. I'm certain neither you nor your wife want her to become pregnant at a young age! (I started my periods at 10, so I was capable of getting pregnant while not much older than your stepdaughter. However, I still thought boys were "yucky" so....)

It sounds as though you and wife love your stepdaughter deeply and care for her well-being. With that going for all of you, you are bound to make the right decisions!

Good luck!

 

[Bobmi357]

I am going to suggest that you no longer allow any heart to heart private conversations between yourself and your step-daughter. If you must hold them, make sure your wife is present.

While society is correct in trying to protect the children, it has gone way overboard in how it approaches it.

I remember with a little more than anger the grilling I recieved because my then 6yr old son had to get stitches twice in less than 40 days. The first time he fell against the coffee table, the second time he fell while playing with some kids outside of our apartment. Both times on a weekend, so we had no choice but to take him to the emergency room.

The second time there, I was brought into a little room and told to wait while the hospital's social worker came down to "talk" with me. These idiots didn't even believe my son when he told them he fell while playing with the neighborhood kids. Seven hours to get four stitches, 6 of them talking to hospital officials sheesh....

 

[DuckLover]

<SNIP> Keep in mind that, with her pregnancy, a lot of attention will naturally be focused on the older sibling. To the younger one, this could be interpreted that pregnancy is a way to garner attention. Especially if there is any type of jealousy issues between the siblings. I'm certain neither you nor your wife want her to become pregnant at a young age! (I started my periods at 10, so I was capable of getting pregnant while not much older than your stepdaughter. However, I still thought boys were "yucky" so....)

Extremely good point, Chele. Keeping the younger daughter informed of what's happening (socially and biologically) will be important, but even more important will be ensuring that she doesn't feel ignored. Even if she doesn't seek to become pregnant in order to garner attention, she could very well begin acting out in other ways.

Kudos to you CW for being such an open, caring father!

 

[BlueSugar]

I discovered masturbation early, around the same age as your step daughter. Aroung the same time I learned that playboy station wasn't just like the discovery channel and all the other nature documentarys I was watching and obsessed with (or was it...haha) cousins found me watching it (though I wasn't touching myself yet) they told me to turn it off and don't tell anyone that i found this station... people doing this was bad? I can't watch it anymore? But african tribes walk around naked and spermies and eggs make babies !!

well, after that I took to watching it when no one was around and then touching myself, making the noises even though I didn't mean it, and touching my nipples even though I was as flat as a table lol. It didn't do much but teach me how to masturbate... I did it when no one was around or napping downstairs, I didn't do it loud... and then i discovered running water and how that felt good ...and my mom put a limit on my showers too she couldn't figure out what was taking me so long ! hahaha

we never had the talk because they never found out. I wasn't abused but I did find porno at an early age...

maybe your step daughter saw something on cinimax or hbo when you didn't realize it was on tv? Maybe little boys in her class are discovering masturbation as well... maybe one of her little friends told her.

although I didn't share my new found 'toy' with the world, because I was a very private quiet child, but maybe her friends got "the talk," as well ... also don't forget to ask her somehow if she told her friends - you may have started a trend amongst 9 yr olds in your town

 

[MMorJon]

I also found porn at a young age and found it to be addicting. But I wasnt sure what to do after that