So, my boyfriend and I have been having sex (I guess you could call it that...) for the past 3 months now. We never, ever finish sex, though, because he always gets soft after like 5-10 minutes. I've tried changing positions, dirty talk, waiting a few days since the last time he came, etc and nothing seems to help. He always assures me that I'm not the cause, but he can never explain what is. When we first started dating he would get soft while we were just fooling around, but explained it was because he was worried about leaving. He was doing a lot better with that and was staying hard every time when we started having sex. Anyone else ever experience this?
Getting Soft
- Thread starter yay4jenna
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Modest Felon
Virgin
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Is your boyfriend a big guy? If so, there are some things he should have checked out if this is an ongoing problem
Modest Felon
Virgin
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well, if a girl is playing with a guy's cock, and it's not staying hard, there may be some medical issues happening...have him get a cardio checkup
or seek a stiffer cock
or seek a stiffer cock
Hey babe
Either he is BS-ing you about being a virgin and is getting some on the side, wanking off to much or is for whatever reason his head is on other things.
But 90% of the time a guy going soft the problem is beween his ears and not his legs!!
Also timing is everything with some guys, is he sober when you play, gets to your place after working for 18 hours??
Like I said when a guy loses his wood when he is fucking you 90% of the time its in his head!!
Either he is BS-ing you about being a virgin and is getting some on the side, wanking off to much or is for whatever reason his head is on other things.
But 90% of the time a guy going soft the problem is beween his ears and not his legs!!
Also timing is everything with some guys, is he sober when you play, gets to your place after working for 18 hours??
Like I said when a guy loses his wood when he is fucking you 90% of the time its in his head!!
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PertPerth
Perty in Pink
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If he was a virgin before having sex with you, then I'm assuming it's because he's not used to sex! Think about it - if he's used to just "fooling around" or masturbating by himself, the sensation is quite different to actually having sex. I'm guessing he should cut down on the masturbation with out you, and then you'll need to learn what works for him and what doesn't.
Don't feel bad! It's usually men saying the same thing about women (ie I can't make her cum). Sometimes there a physical issue - he should see his doctor. Or sometimes it's just nerves.
I hope things improve.
Happy 2008
Pert
Don't feel bad! It's usually men saying the same thing about women (ie I can't make her cum). Sometimes there a physical issue - he should see his doctor. Or sometimes it's just nerves.
I hope things improve.
Happy 2008
Pert
VelvetDarkness
Polysyllable Whore x
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Masturbation may be an issue as men are rougher on their cocks than the average vagina and can lose sensitivity as a result. It's most likely to be a combination of nerves born of inexperience and the fact that it's now an ongoing issue with you two. You start fooling around, he gets hard, things progress towards sex, he suddenly thinks, 'shit, I really hope my cock doesn't go soft again...' and hey presto. He worries, gets an adrenaline rush of fear and his dick dies.
Rather than let him go through this process to its inevitable conclusion, distract him. Do other things like oral sex or masturbate him yourself. Once you take the focus off of penetrative sex he will feel less pressured and start to relax. Shower or bathe together and get him used to being horny, naked and around you without sex on the agenda.
If nothing improves though, it may be time to get him checked out. Guys are notoriously reluctant to get their cock out for a doc but the alternatives can be far worse.
Rather than let him go through this process to its inevitable conclusion, distract him. Do other things like oral sex or masturbate him yourself. Once you take the focus off of penetrative sex he will feel less pressured and start to relax. Shower or bathe together and get him used to being horny, naked and around you without sex on the agenda.
If nothing improves though, it may be time to get him checked out. Guys are notoriously reluctant to get their cock out for a doc but the alternatives can be far worse.
rthnck
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I agree with Filly Gal that if it's not medical (and he says he hasn't had this problem with other girls so I'll assume it's not) then it's a mental exercise. I would guess that the problem may be that he is really into you which puts more pressure on the relationship and may cause hydraulic failure. Also erection problems are a self-perpetuating thing. Once you're on this slippery slope it's hard (pardon the pun) to keep your mind off of the problem. He's pounding away at you but his mind is not focused on the enjoyment of a warm wet pussy, it's screaming at him to stay hard.
He has to be able to relax and get his head back in the game. So he needs you to not focus on this issue. Some of the other posters have good advice here. Do other things. Enjoy some long oral, so stress free handjobs, etc. Get away from the penetration side of the equation.
If a stress-free environment doesn't do the trick you might want to try a cock-ring. If he can keep it up long enough to complete the act to your satisfaction it might get him over the hump (so to speak.)
Good luck.
rydia57
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Filly Gal was right about the alcohol ingestion too. If he's been drinking it affects the ability to "keep it up". Stuff like whether they're cut or not can effect it too. If he is a virgin yeah, it's all in his head. Get him to relax first.
SweetErika
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Everyone has given really good suggestions.
Another thing to think about is birth control and condoms. What method(s) are you using? Is it possible he's worried about getting you pregnant?
If you're using condoms, you might suggest he try masturbating to orgasm with a condom on the next few times and then see how sex goes from there. Sometimes achieving success with a similar routine helps build confidence.
How long have you been dating? Is it possible he doesn't feel ready to have sex yet?
Another thing to think about is birth control and condoms. What method(s) are you using? Is it possible he's worried about getting you pregnant?
If you're using condoms, you might suggest he try masturbating to orgasm with a condom on the next few times and then see how sex goes from there. Sometimes achieving success with a similar routine helps build confidence.
How long have you been dating? Is it possible he doesn't feel ready to have sex yet?
VelvetDarkness
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Then why were you having sex with her?
Men.Is this really your idea of constructive advice? This wasn't a one nighter with some guy who couldn't care less who he's humping.
prototypepariah
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Then why were you having sex with her?
Is this really your idea of constructive advice? This wasn't a one nighter with some guy who couldn't care less who he's humping.
I gotta side with the original poster here, it's certainly possible. Maybe the guy has some sort of mental bond and just isn't physically attracted to the girl? A lot of different ideas play off not being attracted to the girl. Sure he could have delivered this thought better but....
the reason for the problem lies in this thread though bank on that.
EjAcKuLaToR
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I don't think these unattractive/one-night-stand situations apply in this particular case. This is dealing with a couple of people who seem to desire having a long-term relationship. That's vastly different from losing wood because the girl you thought looked good in the bar is a pig in the bed. Give me a break.
I'd just like to say to the woman who brought up this issue that the problem is almost guaranteed to be in his head. I had a friend of mine who I went to college with and he would lose wood everytime he put on a condom. EVERY TIME. That problem was in his head and I beleieve that your boyfriend's problem is in his head as well.
It's not you or an attractiveness issue with you. It's a mental issue with him. My friend had a girlfriend who would react similarly (she really questioned whether it was the rubber that turned him off or whether it was her that did it). It was the rubber. I know because I'd have boned that girl all day long every day for the rest of my days. She was beautiful (not perfect by any means, just a beautiful girl).
Don't take his problem personally, but he should probably get some help. My advice would be to get him to go to a psychiatrist or phychologist who could probably work through his problem in a flat miinute and send him on his horny-little-way. Don't worry.
VelvetDarkness
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Masturbating too often might be an issue as I said a few posts ago. Falling down drunk would be an obvious problem. If he says that the OP is not the cause of his problem then I doubt he's having trouble because he doesn't find her attractive.
It's his first sexual relationship. Either PIV isn't providing enough stimulation because he's accustomed to rougher masturbation, or the whole situation is freaking him out. It could be pregnancy or disease fears or intimacy issues or performance concerns. It's not the girl's fault.
wehstar
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This happens to me sometimes when wearing a condom, especially shortly after ejaculation from a first session. On reflection afterwards I've assessed that the rubber is reducing the sensation. The problem is once it's on, non-penetrative sex seems less relevant.
One way of looking at it, at least your penetrative sex is lasting as long as 10 minutes!
Maybe as your relationship continues you'll be more comfortable and you'll be able to work it out together. I'd guess right now he doesn't feel right about it at the moment, a blow to his male ego, worried about ruining the moment etc.
One way of looking at it, at least your penetrative sex is lasting as long as 10 minutes!
Maybe as your relationship continues you'll be more comfortable and you'll be able to work it out together. I'd guess right now he doesn't feel right about it at the moment, a blow to his male ego, worried about ruining the moment etc.
goodguy2nondfuk
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Have to say...
Filly is right on. I don't think it's you! Good luck!
Filly is right on. I don't think it's you! Good luck!
Thanks guys! Not to sound arrogant but I don't think it's an attractiveness issue. He says I'm the most attractive girl he's ever dated. If he really means it, then it would make sense for it to be in his head. Now on to convincing him to get counseling!
Also, he was using the ribbed Trojan condoms. Those are thicker than normal condoms, so could that also be an issue? Has anyone used those and had a problem?
Also, he was using the ribbed Trojan condoms. Those are thicker than normal condoms, so could that also be an issue? Has anyone used those and had a problem?
Dreamliner
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All good suggestions above jenna.
reiterating:
alcohol
weight
masturbating
stress
head space
reiterating:
alcohol
weight
masturbating
stress
head space
SweetErika
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I think there are a lot of things you can try before counseling, unless you know or suspect he has deeper issues that are causing this, and other problems for him.
You can try different condoms, maybe ones with more room around the head, for instance. Also, are you putting a drop or two of lube in the tip before you roll it on to increase sensation? We put a couple of drops of silicone lube in the very tip, pinch above that and then roll it on; Hubby says it helps immensely.
I'd say it's probably not the condom alone since he's fine for 5-10 minutes (which is longer than most guys last, period, BTW). It sounds like he has an issue with coming, so it's more likely he's not confident in the condom's effectiveness, masturbating too much/roughly, doesn't feel ready to have sex at this stage in your relationship, had a repressive upbringing, etc.
If I were you, I'd explore those and the other possibilities presented here first, and try to get to the bottom of it through the process of elimination. If none of that works, then it's probably time to seek counseling and see if there could be something physical going on.
He's not on any medications, is he?
As suggested a cock ring may be a solution if the scenario in fact is as described. You should use a simple fully adjustable 'lasso' cock ring that is made of surgical rubber that can be tighten with a knob. As soon as you have a full erection you "trap" the erection by tightening the cock ring with the knob. If the the cock ring is tightened enough it is virtually impossible to go soft. - And if you ejaculate with a tight cock ring you will experience the mother of all ejaculations.
