Getting partner to "get" the mental aspects

[Sweet_slt4u]

Hi all- I'm new here. My once vanilla husband has been very open to my kink, but we seem to be at this impass. He is so the type to giggle while spanking me, and thinks toys alone are the kink factor. I am a true sub and need him to force me and get into it as a true master. How can I get him to understand the mind set? Any ladies have success stories?

 

[Mirisa]

Wow. Are we married to the same man? Although he giggles at the thought of spanking me and threatens to do it but has yet to follow through.

I'm beginning to think that one is either born with that Dom mentality hard wired into their system or they are not.

It is still role playing for him, but is an actual need that I need filled. Preferably without someone making fun of me for it.

I'll be watching this thread with interest.

 

[KoPilot]

You can't force anybody to do anything. You especially can't force people to believe anything.

 

[Mirisa]

You can't force anybody to do anything. You especially can't force people to believe anything.

They either get it or they don't, right?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You're new, so I'll be nice (for me).

You might want to review these threads:

Teaching my partner to be dominant, and

Telling my boyfriend about lifestyle?

Both have some good advice concerning this issue, or related to it. There are other threads on the same general subject; those are just the two that I found quickly.

As for being new here, we all were at one time. I strongly suggest that new folks to the Talk and Café fora wander around through the past threads, and especially through the BDSM Library, which has indices of a very large number of the topics about which many new folks have questions. It's also the result of a LOT of work by the current BDSM Librarian and past BDSM Librarians, and (IMNSHO) new folks here should almost be required to at least review the index pages and check out topics that may have interest for them.

Welcome to the BDSM fora. Have fun, learn, and add your $0.02 worth wherever you feel like!

 

[CutieMouse]

Hi all- I'm new here. My once vanilla husband has been very open to my kink, but we seem to be at this impass. He is so the type to giggle while spanking me, and thinks toys alone are the kink factor. I am a true sub and need him to force me and get into it as a true master. How can I get him to understand the mind set? Any ladies have success stories?

this is going to sound incredibly snarky, but if you're a "true sub" (whatever that is)... why the bloody hell do you need him to FORCE you?And why is "force" the only appropriate way for him to "get into it" as a "true master" (whatever that is)? Maybe he likes the toys. Maybe he gets the giggles when spanking you because he feels like it (and wants to see how you'll respond).

If you want to submit to him, then submit to him instead of comparing the man to some online cookie cutter version of what defines a "Master" and focusing on the gap between fantasy and reality.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Give him time. He's got a lifetime of "don't hit girls" to work past. If giggling comforst him when he feels that twinge-- be thankful that he's willing to fight his way through that shit.
Right now, ignore the giggling and reward the masterful moments-- positive reinforcement is a time-honored technique.

And read this, because what you think of as "true sub" might not be so true after all;
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=40603931#post40603931
I totally get you both on that 'gap between fantasy and reality.' I dealt with that for years with my ex. But what I figured out, was that he was NOT a dom-- he was a service top however, and if he knew what I wanted, he could deliver that. I could trust him to take the reins once I had given him the road map.

 

[subwannabe]

Something about your post doesn't make sense. I can't quite put my finger on it. How long have you been together and married? You say once vanilla husband. I suspect he is still vanilla. You say he has been very opened to your kink. How long have you had this kink? It kind of sounds like you have been together for a while but then it doesn't make sense that you have had this kink, never done anything about it, your husband was vanilla, now he is open to your kink and yet he doesn't actually act like it, disappointing you. In any event your only real option is to communicate openly with him about it but in the end he is either a dom or he isn't.

 

[njlauren]

Just some thoughts that may or may not be true. The giggling your husband is doing may not be him making fun of it, it could very well be a coping mechanism for his own internal problems with it (not necessarily a bad sign). There is such a thing as 'nervous giggling', and it is kind of like trying to block something hard to handle. Maybe your husband enjoys it, but feels guilty, because of the negative feelings about hitting a women or bd/sm in general, as it has been portrayed....it is definitely a possibility. The other thing is, think about the way most people are introduced to images of BD/SM, if it isn't glimpses on places like Jerry Springer, it has been through comic scenes in movies and such and maybe he is seeing that and it is causing him to laugh, thinking of the idiotic way it has been presented...

As Sir_Winston pointed out, there is a lot that has been written here on the subject, a lot of it is good advice. First of all, I think you need to decide what you need, words like "true sub" are a label that don't mean much.....are you looking for him to control you in playspace, for him to 'totally control' what is going on, but otherwise stay the same? Are you looking for him to take control in your 'real' life outside of play space, where he can make decisions, up to and including total control of what you do? What exactly does that mean to you? Without that, you can't even begin to talk to him, quite honestly. You don't need to have it all ironed out and know exactly, because you probably are going to be exploring this as well....relationships change and grow, what was yesterday a phenomenon of the bedroom can become the way the whole thing plays out..

In any event, at least for a start, I think you need to figure out where you are now, and then start talking to your husband about what you are looking for. If you are seeking lifestyle d/s, there are some good books out there as well as online resources. For a married couple (I don't know if you have kids or not) it can bring other issues. One thing that caught my eye at the time was a section of the book called 'Different Loving" by Gloria Braeme, about the BD/SM world, that featured a married couple with kids where it was D/s, I think it gave a pretty nice view of things, about how this otherwise ordinary couple with kids played out the D/s in their lives.......might be worth getting a copy, reading it and then sharing it with him if you think it would work.

It could well be that your H in no way, shape or form wants this kind of relationship, but I think you can't know that at this point. Even those 'wired' this way may not know it, my own spouse was a pretty good example of that, not all dominants know from the time they grow up wanting to tie up their friends and so forth, sometimes it has to be brought out or nurtured

 

[intothewoods]

In addition to the other good comments I would just say cut the guy some slack. If you critique the way he tops you, he may not want to keep doing it.

If you need something to get you more into the mood, focus on his pleasure. Put all of your energy into serving him well. If that isn't quite what you need, figure out what mindset you do need and put yourself into it. In other words, he's doing his best, so you should do your part too.

 

[naughtynjmale]

I agree with the thought that you cant force him to do anything,

he either is going to understand what you want

or hes not.

You can talk to him and discuss it,

but it might not be in his personality

 

[kutsujuu]

Here are a few observations. I hope they can help you a little bit.

First of all, he can't read your mind. You may think you're being an open book, but unless you've spelled it all out in black and white (and even sometimes then, with the whole Mars and Venus issues men and women face when communicating), you're still a mystery to him. You have to tell him explicitly what you need from him. It may dampen the fantasy a little bit in the beginning, but once he gets the hang of things, chances are you'll be the one holding up the surrender flag.

Second, you have great expectations but you have to start with baby steps. Reality and fantasy are not always completely in sync--at least not in the beginning. You really do have to learn to crawl before you can walk. Even with an experienced Dom he's not going to take you to the deepest darkest head space you can find until he gets to know you a little better.

Third, laughter, like tears, is a form of release. It might take away from your head space a little bit, but you should take pleasure in knowing that you're pleasing him. His laughter is a sign of just how much.

Finally, submission involves giving up control. Not to be critical, but it sounds to me as though you have a scenario in your head that you want to play out according to script. That's not exactly submitting. That's more along the lines of playing a role and having a role you want him to play as well. Trying to wrestle away control and make your "sessions" go according to your plan is kind of like topping from the bottom. With an experienced player it may lead to delicious (or not so delicious--maybe even a little evil--depending on your Dominant's tolerance for that sort of thing) forms of punishment, but for a Dominant that's learning his own limits and trying to find his way as a "Top" it can be a lesson in frustration.

We all have to find our way as Dominants and/or submissives. It sounds like this is something you've wanted for a while and he's just now coming around to the idea of it. Give him a little time and help him understand what you want and need from him. Explain it patiently and repeatedly...and be ready to have a few regrets along the way. You may wind up getting more than you bargained for once he truly finds his way.

 

[dcrghujuikhjd]

You can't force anybody to do anything.Cheap Beats Dr Dre
Beats By Dr Dre Kobe Bryant
2012 Beats By Dre
Beats By Dr Dre Diamond
V Moda Crossfade Lp Vs Beats You especially can't force people to believe anything.

 

[Noor]

It can take a while for a person to get into it, some people lack the patience required.