Getting over your ex

[Guest]

So my story is kind of a sad one. I was trying to save our relationship by the end of last year going so far as to practically begging him to give us another chance. Little did I know, one of my best friends had introduced him to a girl who quickly fell for him and he was starting to have feelings for her as well, but he never told me that. its been 6 months since we stopped having any type of communication (my choice). it was difficult at first and eventually i met more people, met another guy whom i've been seeing for 5 months already, but lately it just gets to the point that i dream about my ex every night. I can't stop thinking of him, I can't stop obsessing over the incredibly amazing time we had together and what it felt like to know that someone loved you no matter what. This is driving me insane.

 

[Rockitballs]

It's tough

This is a difficult thing to do and over time I hope your feelings for him will wane, but don't beat yourself up remembering the good times. Laying in bed at night and fantasizing about what was will just make things harder on yourself. Try to learn from the experiences of what drove you two apart and use that knowledge to better yourself in the future. Keep your chin up, time has a way of healing wounds.

 

[satindesire]

So my story is kind of a sad one. I was trying to save our relationship by the end of last year going so far as to practically begging him to give us another chance. Little did I know, one of my best friends had introduced him to a girl who quickly fell for him and he was starting to have feelings for her as well, but he never told me that. its been 6 months since we stopped having any type of communication (my choice). it was difficult at first and eventually i met more people, met another guy whom i've been seeing for 5 months already, but lately it just gets to the point that i dream about my ex every night. I can't stop thinking of him, I can't stop obsessing over the incredibly amazing time we had together and what it felt like to know that someone loved you no matter what. This is driving me insane.

Distance makes it easier to get over him. Do as much as you can to remove the evidence of him from your home. Pictures, mementos, even special foods or drinks from your kitchen that he used to love, or you two used to eat together.

The less you are reminded of him, the faster you'll get over him. Don't visit his social networking pages, don't keep ANY letters, cards, phone messages or texts from him. Don't go to places that you two used to visit together frequently, like restuarants, bars, other hangouts.

If you can erase him from your life, you can erase him from your heart.

I swear to you, this works.

 

[ESOTERICLY]

"one of my best friends had introduced him to a girl "

first off that is NOT something a friend would do.

i do not know what she is but she is NOT your friend.

secondly it takes two to have a relationship, the one you and him had and the one he and she has so, you are going to have to make yourself a new life.

remember you don't have to be OK with it, at least at first you just have to survive it.

in time the wounds will get better and even heal up a bit.

They say the first cut is the deepest and in the first deep relationship it often is.

You did not say you were married.

 

[SpiritRider]

what it felt like to know that someone loved you no matter what

Until a simple introduction proved who was loving more. I'm not trying to be harsh, but from what you wrote it seems he was already pushing away before the other girl came along.
It's going to hurt and there will probably be moments years from now when a memory pops up that it will hurt again. For the most part it will become regret and then acceptance.

 

[Noira]

"one of my best friends had introduced him to a girl "

first off that is NOT something a friend would do.

i do not know what she is but she is NOT your friend.

Just because she introduced them doesn't mean she was trying to matchmake them. Her friend might have just been "Oh, hey, Bob! This is my friend Lisa!" and their eyes met and they fell in love regardless of anything that could have happened.

A relationship takes two. If he went for someone else then he wasn't the perfect guy for you and you can do better... you can have someone who's truly yours. Don't think about what was, don't think about the imaginary guy--think about the faults and what drove you apart, why you chose not to speak to him anymore. The fantasy wasn't the reality. You need time to get over the fantasy as much as the reality, but when the reality's on your mind, the fantasy's further from thoughts. It's tough, but sometimes you just have to look on the dark side for a little while.

 

[satindesire]

Just because she introduced them doesn't mean she was trying to matchmake them. Her friend might have just been "Oh, hey, Bob! This is my friend Lisa!" and their eyes met and they fell in love regardless of anything that could have happened.

That's right. And not only that, but they were already broken up if I read the OP's first post correctly.

Once you're broken up, you're BROKEN UP. You no longer have a claim on your ex, because they're your ex. It may be tacky to date so soon after a breakup, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed.

 

[Guest]

Thank you very much for all your helpful advice. I agree with Noira saying that my friend wasn't trying to set them up, and i know that he didn't mean for things to happen this way, but he was the one that knew what was up and regardless of my feelings he went ahead and did that anyway. I resent him a little but in the end what matters was the love i was feeling for this guy. I never tried to contact him when i found out he got together with this girl and its true that distance is probably the best thing, he lives in england, i live in mexico. I just never imagined it would take so long and would be so hard to get him out of my heart.

 

[subwannabe]

Apparently he didn't love you "no matter what".

 

[satindesire]

Apparently he didn't love you "no matter what".

Yes, thank you for pointing that out so hurtfully unnecessarily, SWB.

 

[NHPictureguy]

First, you will always love him. Once you love someone, it is virtually impossible to un-love them (unless they do something absolutely despicable). What will happen over time is a change in your feelings. I used to dream about an ex-gf constantly and today we are on good terms. She's a wandering spirit who pops in and out of my life every 10 years or so.

Second, you just have to move on. I agree with a previous posting that once you are broken up, you have no "claim" on him (nor he on you). Just pick yourself up and move on.

Third, some things just aren't meant to be. Yes, it sucks but that is just the way it is.

Fourth, practically everyone who read your OP can identify with it in one way or another. You are most certainly not alone. Hang in there.

 

[micky4play]

my 2 cents...

Thank you very much for all your helpful advice. I agree with Noira saying that my friend wasn't trying to set them up, and i know that he didn't mean for things to happen this way, but he was the one that knew what was up and regardless of my feelings he went ahead and did that anyway. I resent him a little but in the end what matters was the love i was feeling for this guy. I never tried to contact him when i found out he got together with this girl and its true that distance is probably the best thing, he lives in england, i live in mexico. I just never imagined it would take so long and would be so hard to get him out of my heart.

Been there sweetie....
Remember the good times with joy not sorrow...treasure the memories of what you had...don't obsess over what you think you don't have now...live in the moment...
Take solace in that you did everything you could think of to save what you felt was valuable....
Usually people come into our lives to teach us something or for us to teach them something...learn from the experiance...growing requires a little pain sometimes...
There's a virtual hug and a shoulder for you here...

 

[LaRocha]

Sounds like someone needs an open rejection. Tell your ex you can't stop thinking about him and want to bone him hard. If he's decent he should just reject you flat out. Then you'll feel embarrassed and the overriding feel of rejection will take over when you think of him, you'll get over him.

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

It can be difficult to let things go, especially when we have a tendency to reflect on everything good that we missed. However, reality says different. I think the sooner one can accept reality and that we have no power to bring the relationship back, the sooner we can move on to bigger and better things.

 

[Guest]

Yes, thank you for pointing that out so hurtfully unnecessarily, SWB.

its the hard cold truth i guess.

Been there sweetie....
Remember the good times with joy not sorrow...treasure the memories of what you had...don't obsess over what you think you don't have now...live in the moment...
Take solace in that you did everything you could think of to save what you felt was valuable....
Usually people come into our lives to teach us something or for us to teach them something...learn from the experiance...growing requires a little pain sometimes...
There's a virtual hug and a shoulder for you here...

thanks so much

Sounds like someone needs an open rejection. Tell your ex you can't stop thinking about him and want to bone him hard. If he's decent he should just reject you flat out. Then you'll feel embarrassed and the overriding feel of rejection will take over when you think of him, you'll get over him.

That's not really possible since he lives across the world, which makes this whole situation a bit dumb to begin with, but such is life.

 

[Mz_Scarlett]

Hi Sadie,

You've already received a lot of great advice here. I had an ex once that took me forever and a day to get over because I didn't let go the way the wise folks here have advised you to And he also lived in England, by the way. Small world

I've had my share of heart ache and I truly believe the only way to move on is to remove all traces of this person from your life. Period. Being friends or holding on to mementos keeps you in the past- not the present. It seems like you've already made big steps in the department, which is terrific!

The fact that you have loved greatly and deeply shows you that you are capable of experiencing this. No matter how much pain you are in, this is a blessing! There are many people that live their lives in mediocrity and never experience love on this level. Personally, I'll take the roller coaster that comes with loving and living life totally and completely than to live my life safely and without passion

I recently ended a different relationship that has also been quite hard and this time I have cut off all ties, rid myself of anything that could remind me of him and have chosen something new to focus on for a change- myself! I've spent YEARS putting other people first, so now I'm taking care of me. I've cleared the decks so I can focus on my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being. The gym is my new obsession Perhaps you can find something similar that you can direct your energy on.

Chin up, buttercup! All is truly well. And your heart will heal in time.

MzScarlett

 

[subwannabe]

Sorry you didn't like my post. The fact is I've been there done that and it lasted for years. Sometimes you just need a slap in the face to bring you back to reality, not the fantasy you're feeling. I wish someone had slapped me in the face then what I went through wouldn't have lasted years. The thoughts you are feeling for him aren't based in reality.

 

[satindesire]

Sorry you didn't like my post. The fact is I've been there done that and it lasted for years. Sometimes you just need a slap in the face to bring you back to reality, not the fantasy you're feeling. I wish someone had slapped me in the face then what I went through wouldn't have lasted years. The thoughts you are feeling for him aren't based in reality.

When someone is hurting, they don't always need a cruel slap in the face. Your experience is not everyone's experience all the time, YOUR needs are not everyone's needs all the time. What you said was hurtful and unnecessary. Your apology would be much more welcome, I'm sure, if it were genuine rather than sarcastic.

 

[infinity706]

Distance makes it easier to get over him. Do as much as you can to remove the evidence of him from your home. Pictures, mementos, even special foods or drinks from your kitchen that he used to love, or you two used to eat together.

The less you are reminded of him, the faster you'll get over him. Don't visit his social networking pages, don't keep ANY letters, cards, phone messages or texts from him. Don't go to places that you two used to visit together frequently, like restuarants, bars, other hangouts.

If you can erase him from your life, you can erase him from your heart.

I swear to you, this works.

It's a bit off topic, but this can also be a nice play list when you do get over someone. If you're emotionally secure enough to handle it, you and your partner can have a hell of a lot of fun, possibly try things you've never done, and learn things about your partner that you would have possibly never known otherwise. Afterall, any person your partner voluntarily spent time with could have possibly done enjoyable things with them that they hadn't even thought about in years. Exes and good friends are particularly useful, historical information.

 

[subwannabe]

satinsdesire:

Your posts to me have been hurtful and unneccesary. I'm far from the selfish heartless asshole your posts portray me to be. Sadie made a post and I was merely responding to it because I have actually been in her shoes. It took me years to get over this one woman and I finally realized years later that the fantasy relationship I had in my head with her was not the actual reality of the relationship. If I could have figured that out sooner than I did I could have saved myself years of depression over the whole thing. I think it's damned cruel of you to tell me that my experiences are unimportant and that my experience doesn't apply to anyone else. Other people make replies to posts on the Literotica boards, some helpful, some not, some slaps in the face, some pats on the back and I don't see them attacked over it. I didn't take her original post as asking for a pitty party but that she wanted some advice. I am sorry if my short and to the point first post upset her so I expanded on it with my second post. I was not attacking her in the slightest bit but your posts to me have been direct attacks. If she wants further apology from me I would be glad to offer more but as far as I know you are not in charge of policing this thread. Whether you agree with it or not I was trying to help, drawing from my own personal experiences.

 

[satindesire]

satinsdesire:

Your posts to me have been hurtful and unneccesary. I'm far from the selfish heartless asshole your posts portray me to be. Sadie made a post and I was merely responding to it because I have actually been in her shoes. It took me years to get over this one woman and I finally realized years later that the fantasy relationship I had in my head with her was not the actual reality of the relationship. If I could have figured that out sooner than I did I could have saved myself years of depression over the whole thing. I think it's damned cruel of you to tell me that my experiences are unimportant and that my experience doesn't apply to anyone else. Other people make replies to posts on the Literotica boards, some helpful, some not, some slaps in the face, some pats on the back and I don't see them attacked over it. I didn't take her original post as asking for a pitty party but that she wanted some advice. I am sorry if my short and to the point first post upset her so I expanded on it with my second post. I was not attacking her in the slightest bit but your posts to me have been direct attacks. If she wants further apology from me I would be glad to offer more but as far as I know you are not in charge of policing this thread. Whether you agree with it or not I was trying to help, drawing from my own personal experiences.

I never implied that I was in charge of policing the boards, but I will stand up and defend someone who's in pain when I see someone who's basically kicking them when they're down.

Apparently he didn't love you "no matter what".

THIS. Was. Not. Nice. If you want to help someone, then be gracious and helpful, not cold. Women communicate in a vastly different way than men do, and it would behoove you to learn this if you're going to offer your advice to someone who needs COMPASSION, not cold ruthlessness.

I did not imply that your views on this subject were meaningless, I pointed out quite clearly that your view on this subject might not be shared by this woman, which from her post:

its the hard cold truth i guess.

Basically speaks to the fact that she didn't appreciate you being cold, either.

In written text, without the connotations and implications that body language and tone of voice adds to communication between people, you need to be VERY CLEAR about your intentions. If you weren't meaning to be cold, then say so, but don't defend your being rude like she "DESERVED IT" just because YOU think she's got her head in the clouds.

 

[Guest]

Sorry you didn't like my post. The fact is I've been there done that and it lasted for years. Sometimes you just need a slap in the face to bring you back to reality, not the fantasy you're feeling. I wish someone had slapped me in the face then what I went through wouldn't have lasted years. The thoughts you are feeling for him aren't based in reality.

I understand your opinnion and I've had friends tell me the same thing. While I appreciate the fact that some people try to "slap me in the face" as you put it, not everyone reacts the same way to the same situations. I'm sorry you went through the same situation I am, but I resent the fact that you assume you know i'm feeling a fantasy or that my feelings are not real. I'm not you, you certainly don't know my feelings or the exact nature of my situation and I do thank you for giving me a different opinnion on the matter but we're not the same person.

I never implied that I was in charge of policing the boards, but I will stand up and defend someone who's in pain when I see someone who's basically kicking them when they're down.



THIS. Was. Not. Nice. If you want to help someone, then be gracious and helpful, not cold. Women communicate in a vastly different way than men do, and it would behoove you to learn this if you're going to offer your advice to someone who needs COMPASSION, not cold ruthlessness.

I did not imply that your views on this subject were meaningless, I pointed out quite clearly that your view on this subject might not be shared by this woman, which from her post:



Basically speaks to the fact that she didn't appreciate you being cold, either.

In written text, without the connotations and implications that body language and tone of voice adds to communication between people, you need to be VERY CLEAR about your intentions. If you weren't meaning to be cold, then say so, but don't defend your being rude like she "DESERVED IT" just because YOU think she's got her head in the clouds.

Thanks for standing up for me although this might've gotten a bit out of hand i really appreciate that you're helping me. People just dont see things or feel things the same way as others, but that's just the way things are.

 

[infinity706]

In written text, without the connotations and implications that body language and tone of voice adds to communication between people, you need to be VERY CLEAR about your intentions.

I think this deserves its own stickied thread complete with flashing lights to make people read it.

Afterall, the anonymous nature and access to people from all over the world is helpful, but we do pay a price in human interaction and probably have a lot of issues here that would have never happened if we could see each other. Afterall, I doubt anyone here probably imagined me lying back in a chair with my feet propped up, reading posts and laughing my ass off. I can certainly pick a fight online without trying, but in person, I'm about as intimidating as Winnie the Pooh and constantly get nicknames like teddybear and smiley (due to my legendary shit eating grin that rarely leaves my face for people that haven't seen a picture of me).

 

[satindesire]

Thanks for standing up for me although this might've gotten a bit out of hand i really appreciate that you're helping me. People just dont see things or feel things the same way as others, but that's just the way things are.

You're welcome honey. I'll stick up for anyone who's being treated unfairly or abrasively when they certainly don't need it. It may win me a lot of time in Argument City, but it's worth knowing I can do something to try and remind people not to be harsh when someone needs loving support instead.

I think this deserves its own stickied thread complete with flashing lights to make people read it.

Afterall, the anonymous nature and access to people from all over the world is helpful, but we do pay a price in human interaction and probably have a lot of issues here that would have never happened if we could see each other.

This is very true, Fin.

 

[subwannabe]

I guess I'll just run up the white flag. Believe it or not I was just trying to help drawing from my own personal experiences. I realize that anyone's own personal experiences don't just automatically apply to every situation but apparently I didn't say anything different than what some of her own friends said. Some of it is just the Mars/Venus thing. I thought she came here looking for advice when maybe all she wanted was some shoulders to lean on. My mistake. I went through hell for quite a few years in a similar situation and if there is anything I can do to help stop that from happening to someone else I thought I'd give it a shot. When people do come here looking for advice I'm going to give it to them, whether it's what they want to hear or not. Sometimes the best advice is the kind you don't want to hear.