Getting over him.........

[psyche]

I've been a member of lit for quite a while and you all have helped me through some tough times. When I first registered, I was contemplating divorcing my husband of over 20 years and you all helped me get through that. There was a divorce thread and I bared my soul and realized that I needed to leave him.

I also found a wonderful lover who was instrumental in my leaving my ex. I met him on lit.......and when I think back I took what could have been a dangerous chance and met him. His posts and pms where irresistable for me.......the language he used got me so hot that I had to meet him, in spite of the fact that I knew it could be risky. We met in a hotel room and from the first time he touched me, he owned me. I have never in my life had such a perfect lover. When he was with me, I couldn't think, it was all responding to him......and I couldn't and didn't ever think about anything but him and what he was doing to me. I was consumed by him and what he did to me. I couldn't say no to him.

Many of my first sexual events were with him. I had never had a g-spot orgasm, I had never had anal sex, I had never squirted.......I did all of those things with him for the first time. The sex was incredible, and I may never find that again. Even though I knew that he didn't love me I stayed with him because I couldn't walk away from the sex. It hurt so much that he didn't feel the same way that I felt, but like I said, I couldn't imagine being without him. I have finally had to leave this relationship and walk away. We were together for over two years. He seems to have been able to just walk away and leave me without looking back.

Two weeks later I am still crying, still thinking about him and still wishing we were still together..........I wake up at night wishing he was next to me. I look at my weekends and wish I was getting ready to go up to see him.

I'm not stupid, I have a wonderful job, a beautiful home, good friends and a full life without him. But here I am at fifty, hurting like I haven't hurt in a long time...........

 

[Kissophile]

Psyche, it's hard to imagine what you're feeling right now but I can assure you that others in this community have survived such a loss and will be happy to help you do the same.

You have been a frequent, eloquent, and selfless contributor in the How To forum. The bread you cast on these waters will come back to you many times over.

It must hurt like hell and no doubt you feel as if the universe has collapsed in on you, leaving you at the center of an emotional black hole. Part of you may always hurt, but I believe that part will gradually shrink.

I wish I could offer more to soothe your pain, but I am not alone here. Others will follow soon. Friendship - even in this odd, electronic form - is a mighty medicine.

 

[bobsgirl]

Psyche, my dear, I am so sorry you are hurting.

I wish I had a magic bullet of advice to make your pain go away. Unfortunately, only time will lessen the pain. Scream if you want, cry, throw things, vent to trusted friends. I do know that you must let the pain out so you can heal.

I understand the black hole of loss, and I wish you the very best.

 

[psyche]

Psyche, it's hard to imagine what you're feeling right now but I can assure you that others in this community have survived such a loss and will be happy to help you do the same.

You have been a frequent, eloquent, and selfless contributor in the How To forum. The bread you cast on these waters will come back to you many times over.

It must hurt like hell and no doubt you feel as if the universe has collapsed in on you, leaving you at the center of an emotional black hole. Part of you may always hurt, but I believe that part will gradually shrink.

I wish I could offer more to soothe your pain, but I am not alone here. Others will follow soon. Friendship - even in this odd, electronic form - is a mighty medicine.

It does hurt terribly, but just getting out how I feel makes me feel better. And knowing that someone is there listening and caring is such a comfort. Lit is a wonderful place where we can express everything and someone, somewhere knows and cares how we feel. In some ways I have to 'keep myself together' for my friends since they worry about me and want to keep me busy. I need to have some time to go through this and be able to cry when I need to instead of keeping myself together. I teach, so during the week I have to be happy and go into my classes without this on my shoulders. Thanks.........

 

[psyche]

Psyche, my dear, I am so sorry you are hurting.

I wish I had a magic bullet of advice to make your pain go away. Unfortunately, only time will lessen the pain. Scream if you want, cry, throw things, vent to trusted friends. I do know that you must let the pain out so you can heal.

I understand the black hole of loss, and I wish you the very best.

Just having someone listen helps. I'm staying inside all day.......letting myself go through the pain, and crying when I need to..........Thanks so much..........

 

[69forever]

{{{{{{ psyche }}}}}}

I knew there was something wrong for over a week now. Finally yesterday I just had to come out and ask...opening the door for you if you wanted to talk. You don't post with someone for as long as all of us have at the Fuck Thread without noticing when something is amiss with one of us.

I wish I lived closer to be a shoulder to cry on or just a sounding board for ya if you wanted. I'm as close as the keyboard though doll. It is NO intrusion on my time or anything else if you want someone to talk to.

You know what I mean when I say I love you like family...'cause we are. Keep your chin up Baby....

 

[psyche]

Re: {{{{{{ psyche }}}}}}

Thanks 69......all of you on the Fuck Thread are friends and have been through a lot with me. I have friends in real life who are helping me through this, but I wanted to let everyone here know that I also needed them to help me through this time. It's difficult to post and act like nothing is going on and that everything is ok. I figured that most of you would figure it out sooner or later. I tried to keep up a 'brave front' but I couldn't fool most of you who know me well. I love you all and appreciate your support and the fact that you care about me........ Thanks........

I knew there was something wrong for over a week now. Finally yesterday I just had to come out and ask...opening the door for you if you wanted to talk. You don't post with someone for as long as all of us have at the Fuck Thread without noticing when something is amiss with one of us.

I wish I lived closer to be a shoulder to cry on or just a sounding board for ya if you wanted. I'm as close as the keyboard though doll. It is NO intrusion on my time or anything else if you want someone to talk to.

You know what I mean when I say I love you like family...'cause we are. Keep your chin up Baby....

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

 

[psyche]

Thanks Avery.........

 

[Noor]

I think you just have to go through the motions of being okay. Stick to a schedule, try and fill the time you would have been with him with new activities, something where other people are expecting you. Try and break the pattern of reminders, maybe move the furniture in your bedroom around. Change your breakfast food to stuff you love and he didn't.

Also I have known men who appear to be able to just walk away, but inside they hurt too, often they realize later what idiots they were.

I hope you feel better soon, but I know it will take a while.

Noor

 

[psyche]

I think you just have to go through the motions of being okay. Stick to a schedule, try and fill the time you would have been with him with new activities, something where other people are expecting you. Try and break the pattern of reminders, maybe move the furniture in your bedroom around. Change your breakfast food to stuff you love and he didn't.

Also I have known men who appear to be able to just walk away, but inside they hurt too, often they realize later what idiots they were.

I hope you feel better soon, but I know it will take a while.

Noor

Thanks Noor,
I have been very busy at work and that helps, but I also need the time to be able to deal with the pain and to be able to let it out. I could kick myself for thinking that he hurts too and will be sorry that he left me......but I gave him two years to realize that he wanted me too..........It really never happened for him.

I appreciate your thoughts and advice.........

 

[Noor]

Thanks Noor,
I have been very busy at work and that helps, but I also need the time to be able to deal with the pain and to be able to let it out. I could kick myself for thinking that he hurts too and will be sorry that he left me......but I gave him two years to realize that he wanted me too..........It really never happened for him.

I appreciate your thoughts and advice.........

My first love told me his feelings SEVEN years later, I could have killed him!

There is also the slam journal. You take a blank journal and start writing at one end everything that hurts or upsets you about him, if you are angry then you slam him in writing there, the other end of the journal is where you write the things that remind you, the things you'd have told him if he was still there, like how you have cucumbers dangling off your balcony, or a dream you had of him the night before, or how you saw something he would have just loved.
Someone suggested it to me and it really helps, because it stops me for going over and over things in my mind that I don't want to forget and let go of things I do.
It might help.

I also takes long walks in the rain

 

[psyche]

My first love told me his feelings SEVEN years later, I could have killed him!

There is also the slam journal. You take a blank journal and start writing at one end everything that hurts or upsets you about him, if you are angry then you slam him in writing there, the other end of the journal is where you write the things that remind you, the things you'd have told him if he was still there, like how you have cucumbers dangling off your balcony, or a dream you had of him the night before, or how you saw something he would have just loved.
Someone suggested it to me and it really helps, because it stops me for going over and over things in my mind that I don't want to forget and let go of things I do.
It might help.

I also takes long walks in the rain

What a great idea. I keep thinking of him and the things that he did that showed he didn't care about me.......I could write them down and get them out. I also keep going over our times together and how he made me feel......I should write that down too and sell it for erotic literature! LOL!

 

[Bandit58]

{{{{{{{{psyche}}}}}}}}

Hon I feel for you......my first lover after my husband was a very special one, I had several firsts with him too and he showed me that sex was wonderful and with the right partner can be so special. When he broke up with me I felt as you do now, absolutely devastated. It's something that you have to work through, it's grieving for what you had and for what you hoped you'd have forever. I cried, threw things, didn't eat (thank god for a wonderful friend who propped me up and made me eat!), didn't sleep for 3 days until I crashed out from utter exhaustion. During this time I had to work too, in an office.....I went through that first week like a robot.

I had some wonderful friends both in r/l and here at Lit who helped me through that rough time. I thought I'd never feel that way about anyone ever again, but now one of those friends is my lover and partner in life. He too has shown me many first times, with still more to come.

It will take time, but the hurt will lessen.....meanwhile I have an open PM box

 

[sassykat]

Psyche ~ As you know I am going through something very similar. When I started seeing him, I had been alone for 9 years. I had dated, but never found anyone who I wanted to be with, especially sexually. He opened up something in me and made me feel so free with my sexuality and the things we did. The difference is he did say he loved me. But he was able to just turn off the love and I don't know how to do that. I want to. I want to be able to just be his friend, but I thought we had so much more than that. We still talk via IM and email. I almost feel obsessed at times.

I haven't any advice for you, just that you aren't alone. It hurts. One day he would be talking about us being together forever and the next he might get mad at me for something and it was over. I don't know yet what to do. I know I should just walk away, but I keep thinking he will miss me as much as I miss him/us. So I know how you feel. I don't want to move on. I don't want to go through this again. It took me 9 years to get my ex out of my system and alot of the reason I could finally do it was because of how I felt about him. I don't want half a relationship, but yet I figure I am not planning on being with anyone else so I figure I will hang in and see where we go.

In the meantime, I try to stay busy. Like you, I have to be cheerful at work and being around family and friends. I am trying to take it one day at a time and just make the best of what life gives me. It is hard, but I have survived so many things in my life that I know I can survive if he breaks away completely. But I am afraid of putting the walls back up and not letting anyone in again. And after finally having someone, I really don't want to be alone, just existing in a meaningless, unfulfilling life. Yet I know I can't just toss away what we had and take up with someone else. So yes, as you wrote the other day...we are in the same boat. I need to learn how to let go. Then if comes back to me, I will know my heart was right. If not, I will know it wasn't right for me. But another side of me says to just hang in there and see where this goes. Sometimes I think he does miss me as much as I do him. But I would like to hear it from him.

I am sorry I have no wise words. Just know you aren't alone.

 

[psyche]

{{{{{{{{psyche}}}}}}}}

Hon I feel for you......my first lover after my husband was a very special one, I had several firsts with him too and he showed me that sex was wonderful and with the right partner can be so special. When he broke up with me I felt as you do now, absolutely devastated. It's something that you have to work through, it's grieving for what you had and for what you hoped you'd have forever. I cried, threw things, didn't eat (thank god for a wonderful friend who propped me up and made me eat!), didn't sleep for 3 days until I crashed out from utter exhaustion. During this time I had to work too, in an office.....I went through that first week like a robot.

I had some wonderful friends both in r/l and here at Lit who helped me through that rough time. I thought I'd never feel that way about anyone ever again, but now one of those friends is my lover and partner in life. He too has shown me many first times, with still more to come.

It will take time, but the hurt will lessen.....meanwhile I have an open PM box

Thanks Bandit. Right now I can't imagine feeling like that for anyone again, but I guess it'll happen eventually. It helps to hear that you got through it and have found someone........

 

[psyche]

Psyche ~ As you know I am going through something very similar. When I started seeing him, I had been alone for 9 years. I had dated, but never found anyone who I wanted to be with, especially sexually. He opened up something in me and made me feel so free with my sexuality and the things we did. The difference is he did say he loved me. But he was able to just turn off the love and I don't know how to do that. I want to. I want to be able to just be his friend, but I thought we had so much more than that. We still talk via IM and email. I almost feel obsessed at times.

I haven't any advice for you, just that you aren't alone. It hurts. One day he would be talking about us being together forever and the next he might get mad at me for something and it was over. I don't know yet what to do. I know I should just walk away, but I keep thinking he will miss me as much as I miss him/us. So I know how you feel. I don't want to move on. I don't want to go through this again. It took me 9 years to get my ex out of my system and alot of the reason I could finally do it was because of how I felt about him. I don't want half a relationship, but yet I figure I am not planning on being with anyone else so I figure I will hang in and see where we go.

In the meantime, I try to stay busy. Like you, I have to be cheerful at work and being around family and friends. I am trying to take it one day at a time and just make the best of what life gives me. It is hard, but I have survived so many things in my life that I know I can survive if he breaks away completely. But I am afraid of putting the walls back up and not letting anyone in again. And after finally having someone, I really don't want to be alone, just existing in a meaningless, unfulfilling life. Yet I know I can't just toss away what we had and take up with someone else. So yes, as you wrote the other day...we are in the same boat. I need to learn how to let go. Then if comes back to me, I will know my heart was right. If not, I will know it wasn't right for me. But another side of me says to just hang in there and see where this goes. Sometimes I think he does miss me as much as I do him. But I would like to hear it from him.

I am sorry I have no wise words. Just know you aren't alone.

Sassy, I feel for you. One side of me feels so stupid for coming home and wishing there was a message on the machine from him. The other side is dreaming that it will be there and he will say he wants me back. I wish I could just stop thinking about him and clear my mind, but it's not happening. Maybe with time.........

 

[Succulent-one]

Psyche.....I don't know if this will help or not. I had a mentor in the business world. He taught me how to think like a man relating to business transactions. We became close and he also talked to me about thinking like a man when it comes to sex.

Now this isn't every man in every situation.....so no hate mail from the males......Men view sex as pleasureable, and have a strong desire to teach and please a woman. But, they do not become emotionally involved. On the other hand women want the same things, but they have this emotional attachment. If you can you need to step back and put your emotions to the side. Heck you enjoyed it, you opened some new doors, it probably changed your life forever. Revel in that.....that was absolutely fantastic.......it is his loss to walk away, but now you are a new woman that wants to explore her sexuality more. He taught you and gave you the power, now use it. Make yourself happy with it. He has done you a great favor.

I have had to work at this emotion thing.....and it is dang hard. But, I am able to throughly enjoy sexual encounters and leave the emotional baggage behind. Work at it, it is a lot of fun. Save the emotion for a new life partner...

 

[Lust Engine]

Dearest psyche...

There's not much for me to say. I've known you to be a very intelligent & sharp woman. I know you'll come to a resolution all your own...just because you're that kind of person. I have faith you'll be fine before long but if you hurt even a wee bit in the meantime, consider yourself hugged from me.

LE

 

[ChromeCollar]

Ugh I know exactly how you feel. It's like your split down the middle, and your two sides are tearing you apart. The side that wants him, and the side that knows better.

My relationship just ended about a month ago and I've been struggling with it as well. I wish he had just walked away, but he comes around every day, telling me pretty lies about how things will get better, and he loves me, but his actions scream the opposite, that he would much rather be left alone.

It's hard to convince yourself that life will improve, and that you will move on. Especially if all you can think about is what you had with him, but time does heal. Especially with this wonderful network of friends you have surrounding you. I wish you the best, and know there is your special someone out there waiting for you. You just have to find him. This loss is only a temporary period in your life.

 

[psyche]

Psyche.....I don't know if this will help or not. I had a mentor in the business world. He taught me how to think like a man relating to business transactions. We became close and he also talked to me about thinking like a man when it comes to sex.

Now this isn't every man in every situation.....so no hate mail from the males......Men view sex as pleasureable, and have a strong desire to teach and please a woman. But, they do not become emotionally involved. On the other hand women want the same things, but they have this emotional attachment. If you can you need to step back and put your emotions to the side. Heck you enjoyed it, you opened some new doors, it probably changed your life forever. Revel in that.....that was absolutely fantastic.......it is his loss to walk away, but now you are a new woman that wants to explore her sexuality more. He taught you and gave you the power, now use it. Make yourself happy with it. He has done you a great favor.

I have had to work at this emotion thing.....and it is dang hard. But, I am able to throughly enjoy sexual encounters and leave the emotional baggage behind. Work at it, it is a lot of fun. Save the emotion for a new life partner...

That's exactly how I went into this relationship, but I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I don't regret it at all, and you're right he taught me a lot and I will always have that. But when I was with him I felt closer to him than I have ever felt to anyone, I have never been touched like that by anyone, it was so perfect and he took me so completely that I felt like I belonged to him. To think that he could do that to me and yet not care about me was too much for me. I'm not looking to go into another sexual relationship again. I want someone who cares about me and if it develops into a sexual relationship that will be great.........

I have my toys, I can fuck them and walk away.

 

[psyche]

Dearest psyche...

There's not much for me to say. I've known you to be a very intelligent & sharp woman. I know you'll come to a resolution all your own...just because you're that kind of person. I have faith you'll be fine before long but if you hurt even a wee bit in the meantime, consider yourself hugged from me.

LE

I hurt alright, and I appreciate the hug, thanks!

 

[psyche]

Ugh I know exactly how you feel. It's like your split down the middle, and your two sides are tearing you apart. The side that wants him, and the side that knows better.

My relationship just ended about a month ago and I've been struggling with it as well. I wish he had just walked away, but he comes around every day, telling me pretty lies about how things will get better, and he loves me, but his actions scream the opposite, that he would much rather be left alone.

It's hard to convince yourself that life will improve, and that you will move on. Especially if all you can think about is what you had with him, but time does heal. Especially with this wonderful network of friends you have surrounding you. I wish you the best, and know there is your special someone out there waiting for you. You just have to find him. This loss is only a temporary period in your life.

Thanks Chrome. I can't imagine your struggle, if he was still around I wouldn't be able to stay away. I was hesitant to broadcast my loss here, and at first I was just going to try to act like nothing has happened and go on. I figured that some people would notice that something has changed, but that most would really never know. The support that I have here on lit and in real life means so much to me and will help me get through this. I'm glad I started this thread......It's like a purging process for me to share the pain of this relationship ending. Even though we feel like we are alone sometimes.......we never really are........

 

[flyindolphine]

a broken heart is something that no words can heal, only time and maybe some mean words about the guy could work. From your posts i can tell that you are a strong and breathtaking persona, and giving your self to someone who didnt appreciate it is not worth any tears. i hope you will feel better in no time,best luck for you!

 

[psyche]

a broken heart is something that no words can heal, only time and maybe some mean words about the guy could work. From your posts i can tell that you are a strong and breathtaking persona, and giving your self to someone who didnt appreciate it is not worth any tears. i hope you will feel better in no time,best luck for you!

Thanks flyindolphine. I have no mean words for him, and that's part of the problem. Instead of focusing on the good things that I miss I should remember how I felt when he didn't call for days. I appreciate your kind words and your support.......