Get Over Yourself.

[alexandraaah]

I'm wondering about your perspectives when dealing with other people, not just at Lit., but in general. Or just at Lit., whatever you fancy. People who ask for your support, your ear, your shoulder, your cock...what have you. People who basically need a friend and perhaps some validation for whatever they're going through.

Do you subscribe to tough love, unconditional support or somewhere in between?

My example is from years ago. My friend's boyfriend had broken her heart. She was so saddened by this and found support through all of her friends. After about six months, "all her friends" became me. We spent a lot of time together, as we're really close friends, but all of this time was devoted to her pain about her lost love, her parent's divorce and dissecting every moment of the last conversation anyone had with the lost love.

After about another month of this, we were out one night and I wanted to talk to her about something I was dealing with...she reverted right back to her problems, regardless of my attempts. Finally, I said, "Look, I can't stand this anymore, all you do is talk about yourself and your problems. Guess what? We all have problems. I've gotten to the point where I practically don't care about your parent's divorce, your lost love, or any other problem you might be having. There's no room in your life for anyone other than your issues."

Trite, I know...but I was 17 at the time.

We stayed friends and are friends to this day. Years later, she told me that I was the last person who would listen to her through that time, and once I put my foot down, she began to heal.

Nowadays, I have a much more experienced gage of such things, but it's hard to tell as we don't ever know what someone else is thinking. So, the long and the long is, when do YOU tell someone to get over themselves?

Also, what works best when other's are dealing with you? Do you ever feel that someone's sympathy is perpetuating your problem?

Does this make sense? I have no idea; I had a couple phone calls and this post has been written sporadically.

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

You Are Listening In On

My Phone Conversations!?

 

[red_rose]

I tell someone to get over themselves once their problems start interfering with their ability to live life - to move on, enjoy life, etc.

For me... yes, too much sympathy can be a hinderance. But I don't like being smacked with reality all that much, either. Heh. I guess something in the middle is best for me.

I'm also not really one to whine about myself... you have to really know me to spot when I'm so down that I'm not able to get back up.

If you know me that well, chances are you know how to help me out as well.

 

[Wiggles]

I can think of a few times when someone elses support has actually made me change a situation or my feelings. I want to get away from that, I hate needing others to feel ok, so I try to strengthen my resolves, strengthen myself.

When someone needs a shoulder to lean on I'm here for them, but if I see them wrecking theirselves or becoming stagnant I'll call them on it.

It's your real friends that will tell you that Yes, you do look horrible in that outfit.

 

[callableborg]

Sorry have to be brief.

Think support can perpetuate suffering as it allows the recipient to keep the situation fresh and in front of them on the screen.

It keeps issues 'active' and thus obstructs progress.

Maybe there is an instinct that says 'enough is enough' and puts the foot down.

Good post.

 

[seXieleXie]

i know exactly what you mean alex.

it's a pattern for me to try and solve people's problems. i try to listen and be gentle with their feelings. i have ended up a doormat in some friendships and because i *encourage* it, i have a hard time blaming anyone but me.

lately i've tried to stop, and i have to admit it isn't easy. i end up feeling guilty a lot of the time. but there comes a point when enough is enough. i'm also trying to make sure my friendships don't end up at that point anymore, or at least a lot less often.


i think that part of this has to do with my interest in, and knowledge of, psychology. i like to get inside people's heads, and i like to help people. but i know i've got to draw a line somewhere.

 

[MissTaken]

My mother taught me the most important lesson I ever learned in terms of personal relationships or social work.

"So, now what?"

It can sound callous sometimes, but when someone is facing a challenge, yes, I will listen. I may even offer hugs. Then, at some point, I will press them with , "Now, waht?"

or

"So, what is the next step?"


or


"What are you going to do about it?"


Sometimes that shoulder and sympathetic ear is more destructive than constructive when over utilized.

Yes, get over yourselves!

 

[Sixth]

Tough love. It’s the only way to go.

If you “help” someone to think that they’ll get places by whining and moaning then you’ve done them no favour at all.

Another point that should be considered is whether a true friend would see fit to spend hours lost in self-centred pity and expect you to spend all that time listening and agreeing. It sounds entirely selfish to me. The flipside is whether you, as a true friend, would want to bother someone with a string of your own problems. I know I certainly wouldn’t.

I struggle to find any time at all for those folk out there with no definition of their own; those empty shells whom seek to define themselves solely through their relationships with others or through self-pity.

In short: I’m a crap person to ask for support.

You have been listening to a bitch by Sixth.

 

[tswyk]

So, what's next?

Great line, MissT.

It's not putting someone down, but actually giving them the power to move on.

I know someone who needs to hear just those words.





Thanks, Alex - great thread.

 

[alexandraaah]

Sixth, I agree somewhat with your philosophy...somewhat, but don't you think there are times that call for unconditional support?

Such as trauma and loss?

This wasn't part of the original question, I know, but I wonder what you would do if a friend needed you in that situation.

draaah=curious.

 

[sufisaint]

sometimes the greatest love of all is shown by indifference....

 

[Sixth]

In my case; find someone else to give it to them. I couldn't.


If someone's just suffered a horrible lost I think they'd need time alone. That's what I'd want. Then I'd want to pick up the pieces and so that's what I'd offer.

 

[alexandraaah]

In my case; find someone else to give it to them. I couldn't.


If someone's just suffered a horrible lost I think they'd need time alone. That's what I'd want. Then I'd want to pick up the pieces and so that's what I'd offer.

Thanks; that's interesting. Sounds like it's your rule of thumb to act toward others how you would like them to act toward you in the same situation.

I'm never too sure about that one, so I err on the side of saying, "Is there anything you'd like me to do to help?"

(In severe cases, not in general)

 

[cymbidia]

OMG!
~figiting while creeping paranoia sets in~

Well, uh, as someone who's done a lot of leaning on other people in the last, uh, eight months (~wincing~ Has it really been eight months since December?)(Already?), i gotta say that sometimes when you need to lean, you can't know the answer to "Well, what next?"

Sometimes it just takes along time to sort out, whatever "it" is.

Sometimes all anyone can do is listen and be there when subsequent small stumbles take on bigger affect due to the big-ass fall from which one is still trying to recover.

Sometimes, as a friend to someone like me, all you can do is listen, and help us take tiny steps forward, and listen some more. (Does anyone feel sorry for Risia and Muff at this point?)

On the other side of things, the supportive side (and on rare occasions, i've been known to stop whining about my own troubles in order to listen to what's happening in my friends' lives and hearts and minds), i normally help them do a search for personal motivation/needs/fears about moving on and forward. I'm sympathetic but don't want to dwell with them forever in Heartbreak City, you know? When it's time to move on, away from the problem, whatever it may be, i try gently to help my friends do so. I like to think i'm a good friend in that way, and effective in being of help when it's needed.

 

[Sixth]

If it's a serious problem - try rebooting Windows. If that fails try again, start up in Safe mode and have a nose around. If all else fails, you'll have to take it back to the shop.

Sorted.

 

[alexandraaah]

Cym! I'm not making a judgment either way, I'm just asking for experiences. I think we're all different in what we need and what we give out. It's the knowing what the other person needs that's the glitch sometimes.

There is no universality when dealing with human nature.

 

[Sixth]

There is no universality when dealing with human nature.

Just the School of Hard Knocks.

 

[miles]

drahhhhhhh is an excellent listener.

 

[Debbie]

Sixth, I agree somewhat with your philosophy...somewhat, but don't you think there are times that call for unconditional support?

Such as trauma and loss?

This wasn't part of the original question, I know, but I wonder what you would do if a friend needed you in that situation.

draaah=curious.

If a friend needed unconditional support; all that I can give?
I give it till I have almost no more to give. True friendship to me is being there, whenever you are needed.
Yes there are times that I have to say I have done all I can do, the rest is up to you. And be supportive still in the sense that I will listen and say nothing or be a sounding board if need be.

Friendship is a wonderful thing. Something that is extrememly precious to me. My best friend is a very strong person with a wonderful outlook on life and there have been times when she has 'tough loved me'. Telling me what are you going to do about it? Only you can change things. I love her for that. I know I can always rely on her for honesty and when the chips are down I can tell her anything. She never judges and accepts me for who I am.

I aspire to be more like her, more balanced and less emotionally lol 'challenged'. I am a sucker for helping people. Something I find on occassion emotionally draining but rewarding as well. It is a big part of my personality to help people.

I very rarely 'tough love' anyone (except my children )


I always try to cope or offer support even if someone has suffered a terrible loss. I try to guess what the person needs most at the time, a hug, space, a hand with simple things like household chores, calls etc. It is hard to know what to do when someone has a tragic thing happen to them. I just do the best I can. That is all anyone can ask of us and of ourselves.

Quote,"Do you subscribe to tough love, unconditional support or somewhere in between?"

Thinking about this for a minute or so, I would have to say unconditional support depending on the person and the situation that the person is in. Sometimes you just have to say I can't do anymore than I have done. What can you do to change the way things are or I need to take a step back, I am getting too emotionally involved and not helping you. I am still here for you but I think that I can help more if I encourage you to make the next step.

 

[Zircon]

Hi Draaah,

I totally agree with what Cymbidia says.

Sometimes it just enough to be 'there' as an ear only. No advice, no bullshit. Just listen. A lot of times, the ones who have the troubles already know the answer to the question of 'What's Next?' They just need to let answer slowly come from themselves.

Z

 

[Guest]

Do you subscribe to tough love, unconditional support or somewhere in between?

I stand by my friends, even if they are making the wrong decision. Sometimes that entails 'tough love' as a last resort. EX:

Friend stranded in different state, I bring her to me, lives in my home, gets back into cocaine and steals money from me. I had tried over and over to help her, but to no avail. I had to turn my back on her. She eventually became a crack whore...literally. I figured I'd sadly find out about her death someday. But she came back and is now a happily married mother of three and owns her own home.

So, the long and the long is, when do YOU tell someone to get over themselves?

An example of this: My best friend to this day did her husband very wrong. I didn't approve of her actions, but he contributed too. I was also a friend of his, and wasn't speaking to her at the moment, I was so pissed at what she was doing to him, and he, as your friend did, couldn't talk to anybody but me. Everyone else told him to shut up.

I continued for a while, during the most difficult times for him, but when I recognized it was time for him to move on, I gently told him so. He had to be reminded several times, and eventually he did.

Also, what works best when other's are dealing with you? Do you ever feel that someone's sympathy is perpetuating your problem?

This only happens to me if I get really drunk and begin sobbing about things I really haven't dealt with. Talk to me sober, and I can see.

Does this make sense? I have no idea; I had a couple phone calls and this post has been written sporadically.

Your questions make a lot of sense. It comes down to learning where boundries should lie. They can be grey sometimes, and difficult when to 'just say no.'

Moon

 

[Guest]

 

[Private Vasquez]

I've always been one that my friends turn to when they need someone to tell them the truth. Odd, because I can make up a story at the drop of a hat, but my friends still come to me with their problems. I tend to ask a lot of questions and then just tell them, straight up, how I feel about the situation. I'm not sure why, but it seems to work with my friends.

 

[MissTaken]

Cym,

The "What's next " routine doesn't necessarily stumble forth from my lips like that.

Sometimes what is next are those babysteps that your friends help you to make.

My point has simply been that whether immediately or during the crisis or as the crisis becomes history, it does no good to always remain in the "You poor thing" mode when talking to friends in trouble.

Move forward.

Only when you can and are ready.

Set realistic goals as you take those steps.

Never run before you walk.

And "What's next?" will never be a quick fix.
It always takes time.

 

[concrete]

the thin line of use or abuse...allways hard to call