get over the ex

[footlongish]

Are you teasing me ? Just for the record, I am in a fragile emotional state and totally susceptible to female advances, especially of the sexual nature. So stop it ! Don't even send a PM describing what the two of us could do to give each other unfathomable pleasure... I'm warning you... don't go there ! I'm a sensitive, giving man. It could get ugly... <chuckle>

 

[789nk]

Well I still feel like crap. I actualy feel sick over loosing her. Can't eat, can't sleep. I'm mad at myself for not being able to get over her. I'm mad at her telling me she loved me and that we would allways be together. This the same woman that was planing our wedding, and now she's fucken some other guy. I no everyone that reads this is thinking, well that happens all the time, but we talked about everything and neither of us are ones to rush into anything. That's why I was sure that it was going to work.

So now I have to work on meeting other woman. I keep thinking there has got to someone out there for me, but I just can't seem to find her.

I go back to work today so maybe that will take my mind off of her, but I really dout it. I'll probably just fuck up everything at work. I'll check in tomorrow.

 

[Apollonia_K]

Good Luck today...keep your chin up.

 

[subwannabe]

Okay. I am probably going to give you the worst advice of your life. I have definetly been there before 25 years ago and can offer you some good advice as I am doing fine now. Now, for the worst advice of your life:

Does this girl know how you truly feel? You say you are shy so maybe she has absolutely no clue how you really feel about her, so tell her and see what happens. Also, she has not married this guy so it is possible that down the road you will get back together and live happily ever after. It is possible, even if she were to get married. More than likely though, this is the wrong path to take but if you haven't told her how you truly feel, you will live with that for the rest of your life. You need to make sure she knows before you can move on. There is more than one fish in the pond, believe me.

 

[789nk]

She knows how I feel. We had the best relationship that way, we were both very open and honest with each other. She was probable the easiest person to talk to that I ever met, and I think she felt the same about me.

At this point I would not get back together with her even if she wanted to. When she started seeing someone else, it's over for me. I would never trust her again.

 

[Trombonus]

She knows how I feel. We had the best relationship that way, we were both very open and honest with each other. She was probable the easiest person to talk to that I ever met, and I think she felt the same about me.

At this point I would not get back together with her even if she wanted to. When she started seeing someone else, it's over for me. I would never trust her again.

I hate to say this, but it didn't seem like she was that honest with you. I mean she didn't tell you why she suddenly wanted to split up with you, and you only just found out about this new guy. Sounds exactly what I went through with my last ex. I hope for your sake that she's nothing like her.

 

[789nk]

She only started seeing the guy about a month ago, and I don't talk to her that often so she really didn't anything wrong.
As far as why she stoped feeling the same way about me, I can tell you what I think. While we were together she found out that her parant merrage was not going very well at all. That really did a number on her. I tryed to convince her that I was not her dad and we would never end up that why but... We also had some religious problems, but I thought we could work through them. I think she just made up her mind that it was not going to work out. I have told her all of this stuff but it didn't do any good.

 

[Exogenous]

I, too, am trying to recover from a lost love. We had three years together. Madly and deeply in love. Best friends. We had it all. It was an incredible relationship. I had never known anyone like him, we just fit so well together, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

However, back in March he broke off our relationship. I was completely blind-sided, had no clue that was coming. It’s been extremely difficult to stop thinking about him, about what we had. Every time something comes up that I know he had an interest in (current events, sports, books, etc) I long to talk with him. We had such great conversations! His birthday was at the end of August and that entire week I felt intensely depressed. I started thinking about all the things we could no longer share and it dawned on me that this must be how people feel when they lose a loved one who has passed away. Knowing that person will never be there again, never to share all the wonderful things they used to share…all gone.

As I started to realize I was grieving, in the very true sense, I also thought of something else. I hang onto the pain of losing him because that’s all I have left of him, of us…that pain. That is my last and only connection to him. I supposed if that’s all I could have, then that’s what I’d take. Wow, I’d take the pain just to keep my “connection” to him. It’s just a desperate, emotional masochism, really.

But, think about it. It was the death of him and me as we were as a couple. Not individually, but who we were as two people involved in that particular relationship. He will not be the same person with his future relationships, nor will I. The basics will still be there, of course. But humans tend to change and mold themselves to fit a new situation, or relationship. The reason for that is because we learn and grow, we are always changing, even in small ways. Honestly, it’s a change for the better…as long as one doesn’t dwell on what went wrong but focuses on what was learned and become better for it all.

I find my mind is becoming more and more receptive to finally letting go. There are hints in the corners of my brain of how wonderful it will be to be free of the pain, even if it means releasing that “connection” to him. After all, I cannot move forward if I am clinging to the past and what will never be. I’m scared, I don’t want to lose that “connection”. But at the same time my heart and mind are so ready for release from the self-inflicted pain. When one door closes, another one opens…but not until that first door is closed. I feel like a baby bird ready to fly. It’s scary leaving the nest. However, it’s exciting to at last be liberated to find a new life of my own!

 

[footlongish]

We had three years together. Madly and deeply in love. Best friends. We had it all. It was an incredible relationship. I had never known anyone like him, we just fit so well together, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
However, back in March he broke off our relationship.

I don't mean to be an asshole, but it might be helpful to realize that was YOUR impression of the relationship. As harsh as it is to grasp and understand, that was not HIS impression of the relationship or he wouldn't have broken it off. And sometimes it is very useful to remember that in hindsight. Maybe s/he wasn't nearly as happy as you were led to believe.

I'll leave it at that. Sorry if that hurt you.

Exo... that was a beautiful post ! Really heart felt.

 

[footlongish]

I tryed to convince her that I was not her dad and we would never end up that why but... We also had some religious problems, but I thought we could work through them. I think she just made up her mind that it was not going to work out. I have told her all of this stuff but it didn't do any good.

Back when I was a single man, I tried to convince a few very smart, nice women that we would make a great couple. Although I was successful a couple times, those efforts never resulted in great relationships. I've since figured out that a woman is either into me or not. And if its not, it is way, way better to find one that is and spend my efforts and time building a good relationship with her than trying to convince the one that isn't sure.

When women are wishy washy, I walk. I don't need that. Actually, I need something very different than that. It isn't worth my time to help them figure out I'm a great guy. Some women are extremely wishy washy. They've got their mind set on another guy or someone that looks like Fabio or who knows what. Don't waste your time ! Move on. Trust me.

 

[tanyachrs]

I agree with the person who said it's like quitting smoking. You can make this harder or easier. The more you indulge in romanticizing what was, the longer it will take you to feel comfortable with what is.

When I was quitting smoking and had a thought about how great it would be to have a cigarette right now I'd say to myself, "I don't do that anymore," and change the subject in my head. If the craving was really bad I'd sing, "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no," until I got bored and my brain moved on.

About two years after I quit smoking I went through a breakup with someone I was pretty crazy about. I found the lessons I'd learned quitting smoking were pretty helpful. I could build him up in my brain as the greatest thing ever or I could forget it and move on. It's romantic to wallow in grief but it's a lot more pleasant to move on.

I flag myself for what-if penalties, "Attemping to reconstruct reality - 15 yards" or "Living in the future, not the present - 10 yards." Try holding yourself to better thought processes. It gets easier as you fake it.

 

[Flyin_Free]

The only way to get over someone you have loved is to replace her with a newer model.

Get over her by getting over someone else. I know it seems harsh but having been through it on far to many occasions I know it to be true....

You will get over it when you accept what has happened.

I disagree with this. Maybe that's the way some people get over somebody but it's definately not the only way.

For me personally there is No way I could have been with anybody else during my healing after I split up with my ex. I needed time, a Lot of time to work through everything in my own head. In fact, we split up almost exactly a year ago and it's only been very recently that I've even thought of having sex again.

Rushing out and having sex might be the way some people get over Love Gone Wrong, but it's definately not the only way (or even the best way for some people).

 

[789nk]

footlong, the part that I don't get is that for the first two years she was sure. She wanted to get married. Then to me it seemed liked she just talked her self out of being in love with me, and looked for any reason she could find why it was not going to work.

 

[Apollonia_K]

footlong, the part that I don't get is that for the first two years she was sure. She wanted to get married. Then to me it seemed liked she just talked her self out of being in love with me, and looked for any reason she could find why it was not going to work.

789...I think the thing you're not realizing here is that her feelings might have changed at some point and she wasn't truthful about it right away. That could be why it seemed all of the sudden to you. Maybe she didn't know how to talk to you about it. Maybe she, for a time, was trying to talk herself into the relationship also. Who Knows. You can use whatever word you want, but sometimes people LIE.

This is all pretty sad. I really feel for you because I think you're trying to think of any reason why it's not what it is. You can't make someone love you, take it from someone who tried to do just that for 10 years. I know 10 years sounds crazy, but I was in deeper than you. I had married the man, had children and was afraid I couldn't support them on my own. Believe me, no matter how bad this feels for you now, be glad that you found out BEFORE getting married.

 

[footlongish]

footlong, the part that I don't get is that for the first two years she was sure. She wanted to get married. Then to me it seemed liked she just talked her self out of being in love with me, and looked for any reason she could find why it was not going to work.

People change. They are dynamic, not static. It doesn't matter what she thought before. All that matters is what she thinks now. It would be absolutely great if the leaving partner would tell the left partner what happened in precise terms, but unfortunately I think that is a pretty rare occurrence.

I don't know what to say except to turn your thoughts and efforts forward, to a life without her. All the rationalizing and analysis keeps you and your efforts in the past. You need to look ahead to the future and start working on that.

 

[789nk]

You are right, guess it's time to start trying to figure out how to meet some new people. Easier said than done.

 

[footlongish]

"easier said than done"

Being single is an opportunity to start over and build a relationship from scratch that was better than your last one. From my point of view, that is pretty neat.

And yes, it isn't easy to meet someone, but there are lots of people here to give you advice and help. Maybe the issue isn't meeting someone new, maybe the issue is you need to learn how to meet lots of new people so that you can pick someone that is really right for you. How would you feel about being single and starting over if you had 20 attractive and interesting partners to chose from ? I bet you would be a lot less apprehensive !

One step at a time. Turning your focus forward was a good step for today. Saying goodbye to her forever the other day was another step.

So... you didn't answer my question about getting away from that small town... can you ? What interests do you have ? What do you like to do ?

Have you found a friend to talk to about all this yet ? I know she was your friend, but its time to find a new one.

Would some of you ladies like to jump in here and help with some tips on how you would like an unknown man to approach you ?

 

[789nk]

I'd be happy to have 1 attractive person interested. I'm not a greedy person.

As hard as I try I still can't stop thinking about her, I know it's over but...

I'll get back to your other questions when I have more time.