sweetnpetite
Intellectual snob
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Gentle Feedback Please. Trying something new.
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fifty5
Literotica Guru
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OK, Sweets, give us a bit more to go on.
I really don't think you want a rant about their/they're/there, we're/where or similar - I take it that this is a 'work in progress' (so comments not just on spelling, but any assuming it's complete seem irrelevant).
Confusion between "the one person she most wanted to reach" and "their father" and "Andy" and "her husband" can be resolved as the tale goes on (I assume it's going to).
And somehow, comments from an athiest on, "‘Are you there god,’ she wondered silently. ‘Can you hear me?’" seem unlikely to be what you want to hear.
Tell us what you want and we (I) will try to give the requested gentle feedback.
I really don't think you want a rant about their/they're/there, we're/where or similar - I take it that this is a 'work in progress' (so comments not just on spelling, but any assuming it's complete seem irrelevant).
Confusion between "the one person she most wanted to reach" and "their father" and "Andy" and "her husband" can be resolved as the tale goes on (I assume it's going to).
And somehow, comments from an athiest on, "‘Are you there god,’ she wondered silently. ‘Can you hear me?’" seem unlikely to be what you want to hear.
Tell us what you want and we (I) will try to give the requested gentle feedback.
sweetnpetite
Intellectual snob
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fifty5 said:Tell us what you want and we (I) will try to give the requested gentle feedback.
Overall impression. How does it make you feel, is it worth reading (well, that could turn harsh). Overall strengths and weaknesses. (ie- I liked this, didin't like/understand this)
It's meant to be complete at the end, so I guess what would it need in the middle for this to feel like 'the end.'
what questions are you left feeling *need* to be answered and what questions are the contemplation of an ok part of the story, rather than the answer or resolution.
How's that for a start?
Sweets
I think I can see what you are wanting to achieve with this but for me it lacks edge, it is even throughout so in a sense I fail to find a rhythm through the piece, the beginning, the middle, the end are all of the same tone.
The frustration True is feeling needs bite, all story telling IMHO needs to move beyond the norm in order to make its point. By the way, I don't like 'True' as a name.
All of the above is just my opinion, please feel free to ignore.
I think I can see what you are wanting to achieve with this but for me it lacks edge, it is even throughout so in a sense I fail to find a rhythm through the piece, the beginning, the middle, the end are all of the same tone.
The frustration True is feeling needs bite, all story telling IMHO needs to move beyond the norm in order to make its point. By the way, I don't like 'True' as a name.
All of the above is just my opinion, please feel free to ignore.
kendo1
Coinneach Odhar Fiosaiche
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Spelling mistakes aside; where/were, board/bored,
you change from thoughts without quotes to thoughts with 'quotes'.
I feel the piece is written in a monotone, sorry! Just my HO.
... as if you are trying to get information across.
From what I have seen it may be better to intersperse the info into the story, not give it out in one chunk.
Re-reading what I've just written I hope I haven't put you off... not my intention!
you change from thoughts without quotes to thoughts with 'quotes'.
I feel the piece is written in a monotone, sorry! Just my HO.
... as if you are trying to get information across.
From what I have seen it may be better to intersperse the info into the story, not give it out in one chunk.
Re-reading what I've just written I hope I haven't put you off... not my intention!
fifty5
Literotica Guru
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OK. Dunno how good I am at this, so take it 'for what it's worth'...sweetnpetite said:Overall impression. How does it make you feel, is it worth reading (well, that could turn harsh). Overall strengths and weaknesses. (ie- I liked this, didin't like/understand this)
It's meant to be complete at the end, so I guess what would it need in the middle for this to feel like 'the end.'
what questions are you left feeling *need* to be answered and what questions are the contemplation of an ok part of the story, rather than the answer or resolution.
How's that for a start?
As a complete entity, those spellings need to be sorted (I also noticed 'of' for 'if', or vice versa.) The shorter the piece, I believe, the tighter things need to be.
That "the one person she most wanted to reach was unreachable. How will she know how to reach me" doesn't seem tight to me. It opens up a whole new avenue - is this a lesbian relationship? Is it consumated or sublimated? And so on. If you just want someone outside the 1-to-1, man/woman relationship, that needs (I think) to be less problematic - maybe specify the best friend from school (or whatever). Tie it down.
That also applies to Neon's point about "True" as a name. Tie it down. "True, or Tru (short for Trudy)" or similar. In photographic composition terms, a basic rule is to 'reflect' interest that goes outside the frame (hence trees, arches and such like that stop the viewers' attention leaving the subject. I think the same applies to short stories - keep the readers' attention inside your 'frame' by avoiding loose ends.
Same thing applies to 'god' at the end. As is (and remember this is an atheist speaking), it isn't yet clear whether True is appealing to an omnipotent being, or to a mythic, non-existent ideal. If I'm getting what you are aiming at correctly, it's the latter. I (again, for what it's worth) would rephrase:
God was the only one left that she felt that she could talk to. She didn’t really expect an answer, she just needed to be heard. Feeling empty, she made her plea, “Help me god, I just feel so disconnected.”
as
God was the only thing left that she felt that she could talk to. She didn’t expect an answer, she just needed to be heard. Feeling empty, she made her plea, “Help me, I just feel so disconnected.”
Substituting 'thing' for 'one' and deleting "really" and "god" seem to me to convert what seems like a prayer founded on faith into an empty gesture - which is what I think you're aiming at. Of course, I could well be wrong.
Finally, look for everything that could be cut. One example is, "Yes, she still called him the baby even at three." At the moment the story has over 1300 words - much more than Lit's 750 minimum. You can afford to cut lots that doesn't enhance the ambience you wnat to create.
I hope that helps you, Sweets,
sweetnpetite
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Yes, yes. I'm not put off. Thanks much, I'm hoping I'll get a few more before the thread dies down.
I'm not easily offended anymore. I just don't want anyone to say, 'that sucks' or whatever.
Spelling errors- I know I have to fix them, for me that's a given. Your other insights are gold. keep them coming.
I'm not easily offended anymore. I just don't want anyone to say, 'that sucks' or whatever.
Spelling errors- I know I have to fix them, for me that's a given. Your other insights are gold. keep them coming.
fifty5
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Hear that, y'all? Help Sweets out!sweetnpetite said:
It's 'work in progress', thus 'that sucks' would be premature. As well as wrong!I'm not easily offended anymore. I just don't want anyone to say, 'that sucks' or whatever.
So give me (us) the latest re-write, my love. I did my best on the first version already (already!)
sweetnpetite
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fifty5 said:No. She's working!
sure... we'll go with that.
