Gay-curious? Lesbian-curious?

[Etoile]

There is a thread over on LiveJournal that poses this question:

If heterosexuality is the normative in society, and therefore we don't really have 'het-curious', why is there no 'gay-curious' or 'lesbian-curious'? Why is bisexuality the only sexuality that has 'bi-curious' as an oft-used label?

(anyone who says that 'gay-curious' *is* bisexuality gets slapped in the face with a wet fish.)

There's a great discussion going on over there but I figured I'd see what Litsters had to say, too!

 

[bottom boy]

I believe it is because being "curious" indicates a "bi" orientation, by definition. People who consider themselves "curious", generally identify with being hetero, but also having homo tendencies. Thus "bi-curious"

JMHO,
bb

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

I believe it is because being "curious" indicates a "bi" orientation, by definition. People who consider themselves "curious", generally identify with being hetero, but also having homo tendencies. Thus "bi-curious"

JMHO,
bb

Or homo with hetro leanings ^_~

-Zergplex

 

[Lake4321]

I would certainly classify myself as lesbian-curious, but as a male, I fear that I am not the type of person you are talking about!

 

[SweetErika]

Great question! I've seen the term "bi-curious" describe three things:
1) A person who enjoys the opposite sex but has curiosity about intimacy/sex with the same sex.
2) Somebody who enjoys the opposite sex but would like to have sex with the same sex, but doesn't have any experience yet (a way to let everyone know you're a newbie, may be nervous, and might not know what you're doing)
3) A person who thinks they really are bi, but wants/needs sex to be sure (this is the category I fell into BTW...in hindsight I was fairly certain, but I needed that experience to confirm it).

It seems like the multiple definitions/options necessitates a separate category/label. In general, people in the "bi-curious" category genuinely enjoy hetero sex and relationships, so they know they're not homosexuals. Now if we were talking about a man or woman who knew they weren't attracted to and didn't enjoy sex or relationships with the opposite sex, but wanted to confirm their sexuality by experiencing the same sex, some would probably call them gay or lesbian-curious.

Just my opinions though...I'm going to do some more thinking on this one!

 

[Street Mystic]

It seems like the multiple definitions/options necessitates a separate category/label. In general, people in the "bi-curious" category genuinely enjoy hetero sex and relationships, so they know they're not homosexuals.

I think that it is a "safe" label that doesn't trap a person into the gay or straight category. being curious is natural, if extremely frowned upon in this society when it comes to sex, especially towards same sex exploration. the "bi-curious" label leaves a lot of wiggle room when it comes to personally looking to label one's desires. it is also easier to explain to a partner of the opposite sex that you're only "curious" about playing for the other team, and not joining up full time.

 

[SweetErika]

I think that it is a "safe" label that doesn't trap a person into the gay or straight category. being curious is natural, if extremely frowned upon in this society when it comes to sex, especially towards same sex exploration. the "bi-curious" label leaves a lot of wiggle room when it comes to personally looking to label one's desires. it is also easier to explain to a partner of the opposite sex that you're only "curious" about playing for the other team, and not joining up full time.

Excellent points! Does anyone think the bi-curious label contributes to the idea that bisexuality is "just a phase", is "not a real sexual orientation", or is for people who "can't make up their minds"? Does it somehow add to the negative image of bisexuality in society?

 

[StevenWill]

Way to complicated to label

Why is it that only str8 folks can be bi curious? If you were a gay male and curious about sexual experiences with women wouldn't you be bi curious too? Very complex issue.

All in all, I think the term bi curious is fine to communicate what you feel and what you are interested in and generally we let people label themselves and don't do it for them. Yet a label rarely tells the whole story.

Also, we can't really use a person's behavior to decide the question. There have always been people who are married and have a traditional looking life yet their primary psychological, emotional, romantic attractions are to others of their sex. Hence, we have gay folks in heterosexual marriages. The culture just shoved them down the traditional route and there they stay.

And on here, we see lots of men on here who are married but fantasize about giving another man oral sex. Many of those admit that they don't really find men attractive, don't want to hold hands, kiss, cuddle or form broad-based intimate relationships. They are straight with a very specific fantasy that largely involves nothing but a penis. Are they bi curious or just blow job curious?

I teach a lot of young women who have fantasies about women and masturbate to those fantasies, yet they are totally committed to building their primary romantic lives around men and heterosexual marriage. Are they bi curious? Licking pussy or sucking cock and falling in love are not the same thing so a good system of labels is going to be tough to conjure up.

In the purely sexual arena, I use Michael Storms (1980) system of homoeroticism and heteroeroticism. A person can be high or low or moderate on both; they are independent. Kinsey's scale suggested that as you move toward homosexuality, you lose heterosexuality. Storms' system says you can be hi on both. That way, bisexuals aren't seen as having a little of each. In fact, some people think that many erotiphiles who just are very sexual and love being sexual are more likely to be open to partners of both sexes. In other words, bisexuals may often just be very horny people.

In the end, there are people who fall in love with men yet get a real erotic thrill from sex with women and people who fall in love with women and get a real sexual thrill with men. Then there are people who fall in love with both and love sex with both.

Although I tend to think of bi curious as refering to people who are straight and have sexual interests in same sex partners, but the variations are endless and complex and wonderful. Sadly, both straights and gays have bashed bisexuals for being closet gays without the courage to come out totally. We always lose when we tell people that we know who they are better than they do.

On a personal basis, take time to learn who the person is in all their complexities and learn to accept them as unique. On an impersonal basis, always remember that the label rarely captures the richness of the individual.

Steve

 

[Etoile]

Excellent points! Does anyone think the bi-curious label contributes to the idea that bisexuality is "just a phase", is "not a real sexual orientation", or is for people who "can't make up their minds"? Does it somehow add to the negative image of bisexuality in society?

Yes, absolutely - I completely agree! For the most part, I do see bi-curiosity as a temporary sexuality. Once you've tried it, you'll either become bisexual as part of your identity, or you'll be exclusively heterosexual. (Or, hey, you could be weird, like me, and wind up homosexual after being bisexual!)

But yes, it does perpetuate the myth of bisexuals as fence-sitters.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, absolutely - I completely agree! For the most part, I do see bi-curiosity as a temporary sexuality. Once you've tried it, you'll either become bisexual as part of your identity, or you'll be exclusively heterosexual. (Or, hey, you could be weird, like me, and wind up homosexual after being bisexual!)

But yes, it does perpetuate the myth of bisexuals as fence-sitters.

Hmmm...do you think you were actually bi, or do you consider it a transitional phase you went through, or just what you considered yourself to be (but you were born homosexual)? In other words, do you think you really turned from bi to gay, or was it just a matter of labels and discovery of who you really were? That might be a stupid question, but I'm really interested.

 

[Algol]

If heterosexuality is the normative in society, and therefore we don't really have 'het-curious', why is there no 'gay-curious' or 'lesbian-curious'? Why is bisexuality the only sexuality that has 'bi-curious' as an oft-used label?

Well, from my point of view, gay- or lesbian-curiosity should mean that you want to try your same sex AND resign to the opposite sex. Bi-curiosity is attraction for both sexes.

Thinking about it, I think that the key word here is "attraction". You only become bisexual when this atraction is settled to a full dedication (I can't come with a better word, I hope you understand it -- sorry for bad Englandishe )

In that way, Etoile, how much time you enjoyed (or suffered) your bisexual phase? And how did you discovered that you were homosexual, if I may ask?

 

[Etoile]

Hmmm...do you think you were actually bi, or do you consider it a transitional phase you went through, or just what you considered yourself to be (but you were born homosexual)? In other words, do you think you really turned from bi to gay, or was it just a matter of labels and discovery of who you really were? That might be a stupid question, but I'm really interested.

Hmm. I think it was mostly that I didn't have much sexual experience at all! I found both guys and girls attractive, so I figured I was bisexual. I had a very light relationship with a guy when I was in college, but we didn't do much besides making out. Then, when I met my girlfriend, I realized how much more attractive I found women to be in all ways. I still find some men physically attractive - Johnny Depp and David Bowie are so yummy - but in terms of emotional attraction and who I'm interested in having a relationship with or having sex with, I'm completely female focused. So I identify strongly as lesbian, but I can look at a guy and still think "oh, he's pretty."

 

[Etoile]

Re: Re: Gay-curious? Lesbian-curious?

Thinking about it, I think that the key word here is "attraction". You only become bisexual when this atraction is settled to a full dedication (I can't come with a better word, I hope you understand it -- sorry for bad Englandishe )

In that way, Etoile, how much time you enjoyed (or suffered) your bisexual phase? And how did you discovered that you were homosexual, if I may ask?

I identified as bisexual for a couple of years, but I was only ever sexually active as a bisexual for about six months. I first became aware of sexual attraction in 10th grade (when I was 13), and from that point I knew I was bisexual. I maintained myself as bisexual through the end of my first semester of college (just before turning 17), but it was only during that first semester (age 16) that I actually practiced anything! Prior to that it was all physical attraction because I hadn't had the opportunity to try any emotional attraction or relationships yet. (I was a very studious little bookworm in high school!) The reason I made out with that guy in college is because I found him physically attractive; he was also a close friend. So the making out just kind of came naturally one night when I was hanging out in his dorm room, and we did it a few more times. But when I met my girlfriend, I realized "oh my god, this is what it feels like to fall in love!" And from there I haven't looked back in terms of emotional attraction.

I think that's what you mean when you say "full dedication" - do you mean "completely attracted to" rather than just a physical attraction? I am fully attracted to women. Some men are pretty (I'm very choosy, and I like androgynous and effeminate guys) but I have no interest in a relationship with them so it's not a full attraction.

 

[SweetErika]

Fascinating, Etoile...thanks for sharing your experiences!

I'm going to take the chance on being nosy for another few minutes... when you were growing up (even in your very young years), did you imagine yourself in a hetero relationship? Did you ever think about dating and marrying a man, having a family with one, etc.?

 

[Etoile]

Oh gosh, that was a while ago!

I don't remember ever dreaming of a white picket fence, a husband, a dog, and 2.5 kids. I swore to myself that my future spouse would be deaf (I was a strange kid) but I never specified what gender.

 

[SweetErika]

Oh gosh, that was a while ago!

I don't remember ever dreaming of a white picket fence, a husband, a dog, and 2.5 kids. I swore to myself that my future spouse would be deaf (I was a strange kid) but I never specified what gender.

LOL No, I didn't dream of the big wedding and perfect family either, but I always assumed I'd date and marry a man. That allowed me to write off my feelings for women as a simple appreciation of beauty quite easily, causing some confusion and guilt down the line.

 

[VSE]

I'm not a great fan of trying to classify stuff like this, simply because human sexuality never ceases to amaze me in its diversity.

Am I bi-curious because I don't find men attractive per se but like the idea of being fucked, or just open minded in how I like sex?

In reference to the question, I guess it's a knock on effect of society as whole. Hetrosexuality is the norm, Homosexuality is just about recognised and tolerated. but is a minority abberation[sic] hence anyone outside those two classifications must be approaching it from a hetrosexual viewpoint simply because its the society norm.

I was going to argue the point from a slightly different direction, but it struck me that if we are going to pigeon hole something into a category like "bi-curious" then presumably, and excuse the pun, it swings both ways. If I'm a gay male with an interest, but not followed up, in screwing women, then I am as much bi-curious as being a straight male interest in fucking/being fucked by another man?

I guess as a cop out answer, you could also state that "bi-curious" is an intermediate stage, again from whichever direction you choose. You might very well be "bi-curious", sleep with somone of the same/different sex and decide:

a) you dont like it, therefore you are still heterosexual or Homosexual depending on your startpoint

b) You actually be the opposite of what you thought you where

c) You dont actually mind who you sleep with. (dont flame me, its saturday, I've had a few glasses of wine, I'm being simplistic).

in all cases you lose one or both of the bi or curious tags. The curious relates solely to the fact that it plays a part in your psyche, you just haven't felt strongly enough about it/been in the right situation to go find out.

 

[Netzach]

I've always preferred the term "questioning" and "queer" when/if questions are answered.

 

[mystic_maiden32]

very interesting thread!

 

[Etoile]

Am I bi-curious because I don't find men attractive per se but like the idea of being fucked, or just open minded in how I like sex?

IMNSHO, you're just open-minded. It's the (potential) partner who matters in one's sexual orientation. In fact, I think it's great when a guy can like being fucked up the ass and still be comfortable identifying as straight.

 

[CJontherocks]

Well, I do consider myself straight... sort of. I'm not bi-curious, because I've experienced sex with men. The curiosity has been satisfied. (It's the hunger that has never been quite satisfied.) I'm not necessarily attracted to men, though lately I have noticed an increased appreciation for the male form. I enjoy sex with men. That's all for now. And I do love women and REALLY enjoy sex with them. So gay is not where I am, either. That leaves bisexual. But again, it's only a physical attraction for men... or maybe just certain parts (wink, wink) that interest me. I don't feel I could (allow myself to?) have the same kind of romantic relationship with a man that comes easy to me with a woman. So bisexual ain't workin' for me either.

And I have to believe that somewhere out there is a gay person who is curious about trying sex with a person of the opposite sex. I believe hetero-curiosity exists, but the phrase is not really used because those who would use it have already broken free of those types of distinctions.

**throws two pennies on the table**