Funny Quotes

[Animal_Mutha]

Matthias: "Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah"."
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: "You're only making it worse for yourself!"
Matthias: "Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!"
Jewish Official: "I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?"
Stoners: "She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!"
Jewish Official: "Was it you?"
Stoner: "Yes."
Jewish Official: "Right..."
Stoner: "Well you did say "Jehovah. ""
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. ""
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Brian: "You have to be different!"
The Crowd: "Yes, we are all different!"
Small lonely voice: "I'm not!"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Mr Mousebender: "Tell me, do you have any cheese at all?"
Henry Wenslydale: "Yes."
Mr Mousebender: "Now I'm going to ask you the same question again, and if you say "No", I'm going to shoot you in the head. Do you have any cheese?"
Henry Wenslydale: [contemplates] "Um, no."
Mr Mousebender: [shots Henry Wenslydale through the head] "What a senseless waste of human life."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Dr. Gumby: [normal voice] "Glasses."
[nurse gives him glasses]
Dr. Gumby: "Moustache."
[nurse gives him moustache]
Dr. Gumby: "Handkerchief."
[nurse puts Gumby handkerchief on his head]
Dr. Gumby: [in Gumby voice] "I'm going to operater, I'm going to operate..."
[the other Gumbys join in]
T.F. Gumby: [waking up] "Hello?"
Dr. Gumby: "We forgot the anaesthetic!"
[Gumby comes crashing through the wall]
Gumby: [to T. F. Gumby] "I'm going to anaesthetize you!"
[Gumby hits T. F. Gumby in the head with his anaesthetic tube]

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Mr Mousebender: "Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?"
Henry Wenslydale: "Yes, sir."
Mr Mousebender: "Really?"
Henry Wenslydale: "No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir."
Mr Mousebender: "Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you."
Henry Wenslydale: "Right-o then."
[Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead]
Mr Mousebender: "What a senseless waste of human life."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Bounder: "'Morning, I'm Bounder-Of-Adventure."
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: "Hello, I'm Smoke-Too-Much."
Bounder: "Well you'd better cut down a little then."
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: "I'm sorry?"
Bounder: "You'd better cut down a little then."
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: "Oh oh, I see. Smoke too much, so I better cut down a little then."
Bounder: "Yes. I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?"
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: "No. I've never noticed it before."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Milkman: "Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist."
Mrs. Pim: "You look like a milkman to me."
Milkman: [ticks a box on his clipboard] "Good, I am in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that. Well done."
Mrs. Pim: "Go away."
Milkman: "Now then, madam, I'm going to show you three numbers and I want you to tell me if you notice any similarity between them."
[holds up a card with the number "3' on it three times]
Mrs. Pim: "They're all number three."
Milkman: "No. Try again."
Mrs. Pim: "They're *all* number three?"
Milkman: "No. They're *all* number three."
[writes]
Milkman: "Right. Now, I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes into yout head. How many pints do you want?"
Mrs. Pim: "Er... three?"
Milkman: "Yoghurt?"
Mrs. Pim: "Er... no."
Milkman: "Cream?"
Mrs. Pim: "No."
Milkman: "Eggs?"
Mrs. Pim: "No."
Milkman: [writes] "Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupledwith acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex."
Mrs. Pim: "You *are* a bloody milkman!"
Milkman: "Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests."
Mrs. Pim: "I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!"
Milkman: "Mrs. Ratbag! If you don't mind my saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say that a trip down to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh."
Mrs. Pim: "All right... but how am I going to get home?"
Milkman: "I'll run you there and back in my psychiatrist's float."
Mrs. Pim: "...All right."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Man: "That was not five minutes just now."
Mr. Vibrating: "I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid."
Man: "I just paid."
Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't."
Man: "Yes I have."
Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't."
Man: "Look, I don't want to argue about this."
Mr. Vibrating: "Well you didn't pay."
Man: "Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you."
Mr. Vibrating: "Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time."
Man: "I've had enough of this."
Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

T.F. Gumby: "Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR!"
[he bangs on a bell violently, eventually smashing it, as well as the desk and everything on it]
T.F. Gumby: "DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR!"
Dr. Gumby: [enter Dr. Gumby] "Hello!"
T.F. Gumby: "Are you the brain specialist?"
Dr. Gumby: [thinks for a moment] "Hello!"
T.F. Gumby: "Are you the brain specialist?"
Dr. Gumby: "No. No, I am not the brain specialist. No I am not. Yes! Yes I am!"
T.F. Gumby: "My brain hurts!"
Dr. Gumby: "Well, let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby."
[begins to lift Gumby's sweater]
T.F. Gumby: "No, no, no, my brain in my head."
Dr. Gumby: [thumps him on the head] "It will have to come out."
T.F. Gumby: "What? Out of my head?"
Dr. Gumby: "Yes. All the bits of it."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Interviewer: "Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr Pudifoot?"
Mr. Pudifoot: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?"
Mr. Pudifoot: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have had very little of the discursive quality about them."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Ned: "Patty, come on, I'm on this."
Patty: "Oh, you're on."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Ned: "Dewey, I'm not paying your share of the rent, so, I don't know, maybe you should sell one of your guitars or something."
Dewey: "What? Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars?"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Read between the lines, Theo. Read between the lines!"
Dewey

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"You guys, you know what? You're nuts. You're all nuts. You've been focused so hard on making it, you forgot about one thing. It's called the musuc. And I don't even care. You know what? So what. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of wannabe corporate sellouts. I'm gonna form my own band. And we are gonna start a revolution. Okay? And you're gonna be a funny little footnote on my epic ass."
Dewey

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Okay, who's got food in here? You're not gonna get in trouble, I'm hungry."
Dewey

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Dewey: "Freddy, what do you like to do?" Freddy: "I don't know, burn stuff?"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Rosalie Mullins: "I'm sorry to interrupt, but Miss Lemmons said she heard music coming from the classroom." Dewey: "Music? Uh, music. I haven't heard any music. Uh-oh, you know what? Miss Lemmons must be on crark, right, kids?"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath. Let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math."
Dewey singing

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Tomorrow is the big day, so get your rest. No late parties, drinking tequila and trying to get lucky."
Dewey

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"My name is Dewey Finn. And, no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure I've touched them."
Dewey

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye."
Jeremy Grey

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Todd Cleary: "We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?"
Jeremy Grey: "No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?"
John Beckwith

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober for eight months now."
Best Man

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Ma, can we get some meatloaf!"
Chazz Reinhold