Funny Quotes

[Animal_Mutha]

"The BBC would like to apologize for the next announcement."
BBC Voiceover, "Monty Python's Flying Circus"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"And now for something completely different: a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose."
Announcer, "Monty Python's Flying Circus"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service."
Vet, "Monty Python's Flying Circus"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh."
Mr. Brown, "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Uhh, you do realise, uh, he has to be, uh,... well, dead,... by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his liver."
Man, "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it."
Projectionist, "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Minstrel: [singing] "Brave Sir Robin ran away..."
Sir Robin: "*No!*"
Minstrel: [singing] "bravely ran away away..."
Sir Robin: "*I didn't!*"
Minstrel: [singing] "When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled."
Sir Robin: "*I never did!*"
Minstrel: [singing] "Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out."
Sir Robin: "*Oh, you liars!*"
Minstrel: [singing] "Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

King of Swamp Castle: "Listen, Alice..."
Prince Herbert: "Herbert."
King of Swamp Castle: "Herbert..."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

God: "What are you doing now?"
King Arthur: "Averting our eyes, oh Lord."
God: "Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Sir Lancelot: "We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril."
Sir Galahad: "I don't think I was."
Sir Lancelot: "Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril."
Sir Galahad: "Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."
Sir Lancelot: "No, it's too perilous."
Sir Galahad: "Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can."
Sir Lancelot: "No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on."
Sir Galahad: "Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"
Sir Lancelot: "No. It's unhealthy."
Sir Galahad: "I bet you're gay."
Sir Lancelot: "Am not."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

[after slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off]
King Arthur: "Now stand aside, worthy adversary."
Black Knight: "'Tis but a scratch."
King Arthur: "A scratch? Your arm's off."
Black Knight: "No it isn't."
King Arthur: "What's that, then?"
Black Knight: "[after a pause] I've had worse."
King Arthur: "You liar."
Black Knight: "Come on ya pansy."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

[King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off]
Black Knight: "Okay, we'll call it a draw."
King Arthur: [Preparing to leave] "Come, Patsy."
[King Arthur and Patsy ride off]
Black Knight: [calling after King Arthur] "Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Sir Bedevere: "There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."
Peasant 1: "Are there? Oh well, tell us."
Sir Bedevere: "Tell me. What do you do with witches?"
Peasant 1: "Burn them."
Sir Bedevere: "And what do you burn, apart from witches?"
Peasant 1: "More witches."
Peasant 2: "Wood."
Sir Bedevere: "Good. Now, why do witches burn?"
Peasant 3: "...because they're made of... wood?"
Sir Bedevere: "Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?"
Peasant 1: "Build a bridge out of her."
Sir Bedevere: "But can you not also build bridges out of stone?"
Peasant 1: "Oh yeah."
Sir Bedevere: "Does wood sink in water?"
Peasant 1: "No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!"
Sir Bedevere: "No, no. What else floats in water?"
Peasant 1: "Bread."
Peasant 2: "Apples."
Peasant 3: "Very small rocks."
Peasant 1: "Cider."
Peasant 2: "Gravy."
Peasant 3: "Cherries."
Peasant 1: "Mud."
Peasant 2: "Churches."
Peasant 3: "Lead! Lead!"
King Arthur: "A Duck."
Sir Bedevere: "...Exactly. So, logically..."
Peasant 1: "If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood."
Sir Bedevere: "And therefore..."
Peasant 2: "...A witch!"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

King of Swamp Castle: "You only killed the bride's father, you know."
Sir Lancelot: "Well, I didn't mean to."
King of Swamp Castle: "Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head."
Sir Lancelot: "Oh dear... is he all right?"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

King of Swamp Castle: "When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Wise Man #1: "Ahem!"
Brian's mother: "Oh!"
[falls over in chair]
Brian's mother: "Who are you?"
Wise Man #2: "We are three wise men."
Brian's mother: "What?"
Wise Man #1: "We are three wise men."
Brian's mother: "Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Brian: "Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?"
Reg: "Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Reg: "All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"
Attendee: "Brought peace?"
Reg: "Oh, peace - shut up!"
Reg: "There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all."
Dissenter: "Uh, well, one."
Reg: "Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Brian: "Have I got a big nose, Mum?"
Brian's mother: "Stop thinking about sex!"
Brian: "I wasn't!"
Brian's mother: "You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?""

 

[Animal_Mutha]

The Crowd: "The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!"
Brian's mother: "The who?"
The Crowd: "The Messiah!"
Brian's mother: "There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Brian: "I am NOT the Messiah!"
Arthur: "I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Reg: "If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans."
Brian: "I do!"
Reg: "Oh yeah, how much?"
Brian: "A lot!"
Reg: "Right, you're in."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Stan: "It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them."
Reg: "But you can't have babies."
Stan: "Don't you oppress me."
Reg: "Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?"

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Ex-Leper: "Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?"
Brian: "Did you say "ex-leper"?"
Ex-Leper: "That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir."
Brian: "Well, what happened?"
Ex-Leper: "Oh, cured, sir."
Brian: "Cured?"
Ex-Leper: "Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!"
Brian: "Who cured you?"
Ex-Leper: "Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder."

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Brian: "I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!"
Girl: "Only the true Messiah denies His divinity."
Brian: "What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!"
Followers: "He is! He is the Messiah!"
Brian: "Now, fuck off!"
[silence]
Arthur: "How shall we fuck off, O Lord?"