Funny Quotes

[Animal_Mutha]

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue." - Airplane!

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb." - Dark Helmet, Space Balls

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"I know they were just kids...but man we beat the fuck out of them!" - Dogma

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom." - Mel Brooks

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Name's Barf. I'm a Mog, half man half dog. I'm my own best friend." - Spaceballs

 

[Animal_Mutha]

"Glue... very powerful stuff." - The Blues Brothers

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Bart: "Checkmate."
Jim: "What?"
Bart: "Checkmate."
Jim: "Why, you devious son of a bitch."
[picking up his whiskey bottle]
Jim: "Happy days."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Hedley Lamarr: "Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Townsman: [being dragged through the street] "Well, that's the end of this suit."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: "Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice."
Crowd: [in unison] "BULLSHIT!"
Bart: "All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: "Thank you, Hedy, thank you."
Hedley Lamarr: "It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr."
Governor William J. Le Petomane: "What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Reverend Johnson: "Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Reverend Johnson: "Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order"."
Howard Johnson: "Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order.""
Olson Johnson: "Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Buddy Bizarre: "Cut, cut, cut, this is a closed set."
Taggart: "Piss on you, I'm working for Mel Brooks."
[Winds up to punch Buddy Bizarre]
Buddy Bizarre: "Not the face. Not the face."
[Taggart complies, punching him in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] "Thank you."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

[Lili Von Schtupp offers Bart a gigantic sausage]
Lili Von Shtupp: "Would you like another schnitzengruben?"
Bart: "No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben."
Lili Von Shtupp: "Well how about a little..."
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: "[shocked] Baby. I'm not from Havana."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

[to himself, after fooling the town]
Bart: "Oh, baby, you're *so* talented... and they are *so* dumb."

Blazing Saddles

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Comicus: "The Christians are so poor..."
Swiftus: "How poor are they?"
Comicus: "Thank you. They are so poor... That they only have one God."
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: "But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly."

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Moses: "The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen..."
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses: "Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] "Say when."
Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] "8:30."

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: "Your majesty, I was raised in a convent. I do not indulge in the pleasures of the flesh."
King Louis XVI: "What do you mean you don't do it? Of course you do it. We all do it. We love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again. Don't tell you don't do it."

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Judas: "No. No. Leave us alone!"
Comicus: "All right, all right! Jesus!"
Jesus: "Yes."
Comicus: "What?"
Jesus: "What?"
Comicus: "What?"
Jesus: "Yes."
Comicus: "Jesus!"
Jesus: "Yes."
Comicus: "What?"
Jesus: "What?"
Comicus: "You said what."
Jesus: "Yes."
Comicus: "Nothing."

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Narrator: "And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic."

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Empress Nympho: "Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!"

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] "Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey Josephus!"
Josephus: "Hey, motherfucker!"

History of the World Part 1

 

[Animal_Mutha]

Jacques: "Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, I may not have lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king."
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Executioner: "Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?"
Jacques: "None."
Executioner: "Have you any last request?"
Jacques: "None."
Executioner: "Test the guillotine!"
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: "*Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request, I have a last request!"
Executioner: "What is your last request?"
Jacques: "Uh, novocaine."
[the executioners confer]
Executioner: "There's no such thing known to medical science!"
Jacques: "I'll wait!"

History of the World Part 1