Funny fake letter!

[loquere]

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 100 - 150. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 150,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.


--------------------


THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard tobelieve that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

____________
Rob Campbell
J.P.Morgan
Diversified Industrials Investment Banking
277 Park Avenue, 16/F, New York , NY 10172

 

[estragon]

loquere, liked it! Reminds me of LettersfromTatyana's brilliant "The Pareto Efficient Relationship", posted 4/2/11.

 

[R. Richard]

Frankly, I feel that you are overvaluing your asset (I'm not sure if pun intended.)
Since I once lived in NYC, I can suggest that you invest in a number of very short skirts and then work mid-town 7th Avenue. If you find that the demand for your assets is strong, then you could begin to explore the area around after work Wall Street.
However, I must warn you that they're laying off on Wall Street and you might wind up with Professional Implementer of Modern Personnel (PIMP.)

 

[OzoneRed]

If, as Rob suggests, your youth and beauty are depreciating assets with a useful life of only 5 more years, then your best strategy is to find a potential husband whose life expectancy is also 5 years.

I suggest that your strategy of targeting a young male who earns more than $500k per year, and expecting him to continue doing so into the indefinite future, is somewhat risky. Over the past few years, a lot of investment bankers have found that their incomes are not as secure as they were believed to be.

A less risky strategy would be to find a guy who has earned $500k per year for the past 50 or 60 years, and who hasn't frittered his money away on nonessentials like yachts and health care. After all, the easiest way to pick a winner is to place your bet after the race has been run.

In other words, you need a 80-year-old multi-millionaire with a heart condition. It worked for Anna Nicole Smith, and it could work for you.

 

[loquere]

This was viral for a while, but someone in my office mass messaged it a few weeks back. Then human resources came in and killed, I had a laugh though, because even though I should have taken a firm stance on it I loved it.


I have a story called, “The wrong thing to do,” even though the first chapter needs review, it reminds me a bit of this. I started to reflect on this letter more as I’ve begun to conclude the fourth chapter of my story. The first chapter dealt with the gold digging stepmom who is just a few years older than the teen son, so it doesn’t entirely fit, because I wasn’t influenced by this letter.