Funnies

[Sateema Lunasi]

Okay, Quotes.

I want quotes that are humourous, but not famous quotes, only quotes you have overheard someone say. Real people quotes. Like this:

"It is not a problem for me, I swear. It does not control my life. I swear, helen, I can put down that CB radio any time and go on with my life."

---I overheard two middle aged women in a video rental shop.

And yours...

 

[Todd]

I am still waiting for you to follow through on your signature, I did my part

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

I did, Todd.

You'll have to go and find it though. I forget where I posted it.
____________________________________

Also, this week someone on this board said that where I work (Number 10) has no sense of humor. I am still greatly offended as to me that is the worst of insults. Also, like I said, this place is fucking hilarious. So, I decided I will post some of the bizarre crap I have overheard here. No, nothing important of course, just crap, and I won't say who said it, but anything marked with an asterisk is by someone very important.

Beginning with...

"Gosh, the White Room is so beautiful."
"Yeah, but it used to look like a fuzzy toilet seat."

"He needs rest."
"He needs a blow job."

***
"Well, I guess I'll see if I can make things fit by breaking things.
When in doubt, break something."

friend: So, what do you think?
Sateema: It was like the Hokey Pokey.
(my friend asking about my first day on the job.)

"I turned the lights off because you guys all look less ugly that way." (when the electricity went out my first day on the job.)

***
"There were times when I'd vomit in fluorescent colors to this, but
now I respect it as a torture device." (someone important talking about recieving a pile of paperwork)

Painter #1: "Mabye you should stop painting that and take a break"
Painter #2: "The big purple cow standing on the neon clown told me I can't."

"He's weird."
"(6 people really loud) He's a LAWYER!!!"

"We've officially named the cat. Her name is 'Bad Kitty! No!',
but we call her by her middle name."

 

[OUTSIDER]

"it has all the charm of an open sewer...and none of the useful point's" me talking to a friend about a part of London called Hackney.

"Stop trying to torture those of us who aren't colour blind and buy a new shirt" my old boss talking to a guy who came into work in a multi coloured shirt.

"Some people are born with club feet but you got a club brain" same boss 1 talking to his own boss 2 who had just made a stupid suggestion.....three weeks later boss 2 was gone.

"Congratulations you've turned stupid into an art form" me to a friend who cheated on his wife and got caught......his wife was possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen and the woman he cheated with was a real troll.......but she gave head.

Dad "I'm an agnostic" me "really cause I thought it was just the way your standing".....I was 12 and it was my first wise crack.....I got a smack in the head for it.

My sister "do you like my new curtains.....they cost me a fortune" me "NO but dad would love them" my dad is colour blind and is often to be seen wearing different coloured sock's

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

My Cousin: Well, maybe you could go to the premier with Emily.
His Friend: Yes, she would satiate me.
My Cousin: What?! Why would she say she ate you?
His Friend: Because, she's good-looking!
My Cousin: What does that have to do with eating you?


"I don't need an over-the-shoulder boulder-holder, I need an over-the-shoulder ummm... what's something flat?" ---My Mother.


"Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't." -Me, commenting on bisexuality.

"You can't push with a rope." -me, explaining physics.

"Men are really just apes with a cultivated tuft of hair." -me

"Hisss, hisssss... come bite the apple of procrastination." ---my Mother

"Bob hates you all"
-- message on a sidewalk

 

[OUTSIDER]

"Fuck that" my dad when asked to help move a live German bomb during the blitz, an air raid warden wanted my dad to get a hand cart and take the bomb to the thames and drop it in.