Funnies again....

[Ask For More]

> >> > Ways girls turn romantic guys down....
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face
>> >> > like yours!
>> >> > SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a
>> >> > face like yours!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it
>> >> > twice?
>> >> > SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same
>> >> > mistake twice!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
>> >> > SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
>> >> > SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
>> >> > SHE: It's hot!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
>> >> > SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
>> >> > SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
>> >> > SHE: Okay, get out!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: I think I could make you very happy
>> >> > SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
>> >> > SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same
>> >> > time!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Can I have your name?
>> >> > SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Shall we go and see a film?
>> >> > SHE: I've already seen it!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us
>> >> > together?
>> >> > SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: Where have you been all my life?
>> >> > Woman: Hiding from you.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
>> >> > Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: Is this seat empty?
>> >> > Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: So, what do you do for a living?
>> >> > Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
>> >> > Woman: Do not enter.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
>> >> > Woman: Unfertilized.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: Your body is like a temple.
>> >> > Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
>> >> >
>> >> > Woman: But would you stay there?
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
>> >> > Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die
>> >> > laughing.
>> >> >
>> >> > Man: Where have you been all my life?
>> >> > Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your
>> >> > wildest dreams.

 

[Renegade]

Yikes, just yikes. lol

 

[Ask For More]

Bunny and snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. " Ididn't mean
to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and
find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,
"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

 

[Isolde]

LOL...wonderful jokes, hon.

 

[Ask For More]

And another one...

Quiz for men

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss football.

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

A prostitute is:

a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

A wife is:

a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?

a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:

a) "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:

a) An overdraft.
b) Oral sex.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

Woman who consent to having sex with when they're drunk are:

a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
d) A tricky defense in court.

You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:

a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy....." in your ear. She is obviously:

a) Short-sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:

a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Not going to vote anyway.

During sex, you:

a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk love.
d) Talk on the phone.

Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A line is to an amusement park ride.

It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:

a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100. extra.

Your girlfriend says she has gained two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

Today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

Masturbation is:

a) Dirty
b) Perfectly normal
c) Something you shouldn't need to do
d) A team sport

[Edited by Ask For More on 05-09-2001 at 11:25 AM]

 

[Ask For More]

LOL!!!!

A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. They had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment.

After they had their fun, he realized it was 3 a.m. and said, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?" The woman found him some, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home.

His wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and she was quite upset. "Where the hell have you been?"

The man took a deep breath. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

He looked down, and held them out. His wife took one look, and exploded into tears, "You damn liar! You went bowling again!"

 

[Ask For More]

Auction

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

 

[Ask For More]

This one almost made me fall off my seat....

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely.

The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, honey, I get plenty of thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

 

[Ask For More]

You've all heard of the U.S. Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51." Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is here now ... you have to tell her where I was last night!"