Funeral Etiquette

[McKenna]

I've had three deaths and consequently three funerals to attend in the family within the past three years; two were immediate family members, one was an uncle killed suddently in an auto accident this spring.

Today I was driving to the store and saw a funeral procession on the opposite side of the road. Of course I was reminded of how many funerals I've been to in the past few years, and how each and everyone of them was handled. I turned on my headlights immediately upon seeing the hearse. I got a friendly nod from the cop who was leading the procession. It made me think of etiquette associated with funerals and how much of it is culturally based, and how much is personal preference.

I was always taught that if on a two-lane highway, I was to pull over and wait for the processions to pass; turning on headlights was optional. If on a four lane highway, headlights would suffice. I remembered the processions of my loved ones and those who were courteous and those who were real assholes, like the guy who cut through the processional and nearly caused an accident because he just couldn't wait for the entire processional to pass, (about 20 cars).

To anyone who's followed protocol, I just wanted to say thank you. There were times when I was too numb with loss to be grateful, and others when the loss -though deeply felt- wasn't quite so severe so that I was more aware of the respect others paid to a complete stranger.

This spring my father-in-law passed away in Holland. I was suprised to learn that his body was kept (in the coffin) at his house so friends and loved ones could come pay respects. His body stayed at the house until the funeral (a couple of days.) This isn't something that is regularly done in the U.S., in my experience. In fact, I didn't even think it was allowed for health reasons. It was an interesting difference to experience, even remotely.

My mom is real big into her Native American roots. She has shared with me some traditions following death, such as the burning of sage for cleansing.

I'm just curious what are the protocols and what is the etiquette surrounding deaths and funerals in your part of the world?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Jews sit shiva or shivvy as it's pronounced, where friends and family come by and pay their respects (amost always in the home), bringing food and fruit and things like that. The body is never there. You sit around and talk about the deceased, there's food for those who want it, and you just generally comfort the bereaved.

As I recall, the "hard" mourning never lasts for more than 10 days. To mourn for a longer period is to show stubbornness to the will of God.

There's an old tradition of covering all the mirrors in the house when someone dies. I don't know exactly why, but it always seemed apt to me.

Mourners will also put a small tear in their garments, in the lapel for men. This is a symbolic nod to the biblical injunction to mourn by rending one's garments.

Very religious jews use plain wooden coffins and even drill holes in the bottom to hasten the decomposition of the body. That's to show respect to the biblical injunction of man returning to the earth from which he came.

There's usually a graveside service where the Kaddish is recited. That's the mourner's prayer.

Two other traditions are worth relating, though they're not strictly religious.

You put a stone or pebble on the headstone whenever you visit, as a kind of memorial that someone was there, and several times a year you burn a Yahrzeit candle in the window for the person's memory. I always thought that was very touching, a kind of light to show their spirit that they're still remembered and missed. The candle burns for 24 hours.

 

[AppleBiter]

At my last count, I had been to 37 funerals. That was at the age of 14. I quit counting after that. Having been to several, several funerals, I have to say that it really depends a lot on the wishes the person had, the religion of the family, and so on. A few examples:

* At one funeral, the attendees were asked to all stand and sing a hymn
* At another funeral, live western swing music was played instead of sad dirges
* Some funerals have family members/widows/widowers speak, some don't
* Most have graveside services/some don't
* One funeral I went to had 3 reverands with 3 different eulogies

It just all depends. I guess the only things all funerals have in common are someone who has passed away and someone who is mourning their loss.

 

[BlackShanglan]

The Irish side of the family do wakes. None of the ones I've been to have been real shatterers - more's the pity - but my grandfather remembered ones where they really did take the ice from the body to put in the beer.

When it's someone who is and the death is expected, the funeral mass tends to be solemn and sorrowful but the meeting afterward - usually for a meal - more joyous in celebration of the life. That's true on both side of my family. The wakes are strange things, more so as we age, because they become one of the few times that all of the large extended family see each other. It's hard to repress our inherent joy in the company, and we don't really try to hide the flashes of happiness that come to us.

If it's someone taken suddenly or early, then it's different. Grief like that crushes everything beneath it.

 

[Edward Teach]

Traditionally in the South, the body is displayed at the funeral home for viewing by visitors the day before the funeral. The night before the funeral a Family Visitation, usually lasting about two hours, is held at the funeral home with the deceased’s family present for visitors to pay their respects to the deceased’s family and to the deceased.

The traditional funeral is conducted by a clergyperson, sometimes with a eulogy by a friend or family member, and lasts anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes. It is followed by a graveside service where the clergyperson says a prayer and, unless it is a military funeral with rifle salute and flag presentation, only lasts about 5 minutes or so.

There are many exceptions. I was a pallbearer for a friend who had requested that he be buried in Bermuda shorts, no socks and Bass Weejuns, a typical party outfit from our younger days. He asked to have "beach music" playing, people "Shagging" (that’s a dance) and beer served from a keg.

He had lots of friends and the funeral was huge. His widow buried him in the outfit he had requested. At the Family Visitation, she had very soft "beach music" playing behind the casket, so quietly that you could only hear it when you got very close. It brought tears to some eyes and smiles to a lot of faces including mine. Many of us did a small Shag step as we passed the casket. She didn’t have a keg at the funeral home but had two on her deck at their house and invited many of the adults to come by for a toast to a man who loved life, his family and friends. In one way or the other, she managed to satisfy his requests. It was very dignified and tasteful.

We buried my brother a couple of weeks ago. We had no Family Visitation. His body was cremated and we had a small inurnment, lasting about five minutes, for close family only at the cemetery in the morning. The family came to my house for lunch, then we had a combination Memorial Service and Family Visitation, that lasted about an hour, at the funeral home chapel in the afternoon. The memorial service was conducted by a clergyperson and a eulogy was given by his former wife from whom he had been divorced for many years but with whom he had remained friends. It also was very dignified and tasteful.

Ed

 

[SeaCat]

Recently a friend of mine passed away, scratch that, he died doing what he did best and enjoyed doing. He died quickly which was what he would have wanted, and died in a manner befitting his calling.

At his wake, as at his funeral we all wore the uniforms we wore last. His widow upon his request passed out small bottles of Irish Whiskey to each of us. His funeral was a celebration of his life, not of his death.

The only jarring note was his choice of music. Sean had fallen in love with the Beach Boys, and their music was played the entire time.

Sean's funeral procession was something like thirty cars long and all of us had our lights on. We did have several people who were unimpressed enough to cut through the line but Sean would have just laughed at this so we didn't say anything about it.

Normaly when I see a funeral procession I pull over and turn on my lights in acknowledgment. It's the least I can do for one who has passed before me.

Cat

P.S. For those who I hold in high regard I light a candle on the night of their death, to light their way to their destination whatever it may be.

 

[Hulder]

The traditional way of saying goodbye to a loved one in Norway was forbidden by the Danish kin in the late 18th century, but it was still known to take place up to the 1960's. It involved heavy drinking while waking over the dead, toasting the corps and celebrating life.

Today it is a much more solemn affair. The last funeral i attended was in may, and the priest could barely remember the name of my relative. It was just sad in every way. The family gathered later on, and shared a nice meal. I saw family members i haven't met in years, so that was rather nice.

We don't do the headlight thing here, because we are required by law to always have lights on while the motor of the car is running, any time of the year. We do of course pull over to let funeral processions pass.

Hugs!

 

[wishfulthinking]

I've never really thought about etiquette or beliefs when it comes to a funeral.

I've only been to one funeral, and he was cremated. We went to the Lake where he kept his yacht and his son rowed out to the boat and sprinked the ashes around. I wore black [nobody told me not to!] and everyone else came in normal clothes. I think about 2 or 3 people spoke about his achievements etc.

No members of my family are religious, and Australia has such a hog pog of cultures. The only thing my father told is that he wants "it's a wonderful world" by Louie Armstrong to be played.

I don't think in Australia we would be permitted to keep the body in a casket in the house until the funeral [tropics! ], but something like this would be closely tied to social norms and beliefs developed over centuries.

 

[snooper]

It is absolutely vital after a death in the family to go out to the orchard and tell the bees. If you don't there will be no honey that year.

 

[cloudy]

Some tribes light a sacred fire that is kept burning for four days....it has to be tended constantly. During those four days, the soul of the person that's died goes around, and says goodbye to their friends and family, and the fire is to light their way to the next world.

I always thought that was lovely.

 

[SensualCealy]

Around where I live there are many Christian religions, not many others. I have been to quite a few over the years but nothing that stands out except for my gradfathers. I was annoyed, a picture, and a vase of white lilies. That was it! Stupid music too. Not at all what I would have picked for him, but then it was my grandmothers job. I felt as though it wasnt really happening. Nothing said 'death' to me, no casket, not many tears, no nothing.

I had my mom promise me, when either her or my dad go, they keep them in a casket open or closed for the funeral then ship them off for cremation.

One friend had always said she wanted Elvis gospel at her funeral, thinking her daughter new this nothing was said. Well Cancer got the best of her and she passed on, all during the funeral we were waiting for Elvis to appear, nothing, many weeks later I told her about her mom's wishes and she said, she never ever was told that. So if there is anything you wish to have , make sure you tell the ones that matter!

Usually there is two days of visitation, then the funeral, and a gravesite buriel, that is of course you aren't Irish or Scotish, thats a whole other ball game! I wish more of that blood ran through me!

Cheers for many more years!
C

 

[oggbashan]

Family funerals

My father and mother-in-law did not believe in any form of religion. Both wanted their bodies to be used for medical research or training doctors. Neither body was suitable for that use and their fall-back request was a 'green burial'.

Mother-in-law died first. She was interred in a cardboard coffin (biodegradable) in a field that will eventually be woodland. It rained hard during the night and morning and the grave had to be kept dry with a pump. The rain stopped during the service, as did the pump for the quarter of an hour of the farewell. The family stood around the grave. Most said a short speech about their good memories of her. Her younger daughter played the clarinet. One of her granddaughters read a poem she had written about her grandmother. We all shovelled some earth into the grave and then left. We had specified 'wellington boots' as the only required attire. Waterproof coats were also useful. When the funeral directors arrived they looked at the assembled family in their wet weather gear, at the six inches of water on the path leading to the field, and changed from their black patent-leather shoes to black wellingtons, specially bought for this funeral.

Father-in-law died a year later. This time the field wasn't awash. He was buried next to his wife and eventually a native tree was planted above them. Normally there is one tree per grave but for two graves side by side the Parish Council provided (at our expense) a tree that will grow larger than the normal ones for single graves. We repeated the process and sung a couple of secular hymns. Now except for the tree it is impossible to see where the graves are. In a few years the field will be full, the trees will be growing srongly and the only indication will be a sign on the gate to the wood to say the names of those buried there.

My youngest uncle used to be a market trader. When he died the funeral procession had to pass through the market on a Saturday morning. We were preceded by a jazz trumpeter playing the blues. You can imagine how many people were there. The whole thing stopped while the procession passed. Stallholders stopped trading, customers turned to face the procession and saluted. This was in a multi-ethnic community with Jews, Sikhs, Hindus, Rastafarians, Muslims... and a few Christians.

As the procession went to the crematorium headlights were flashed in tribute. Those wearing hats doffed them. The funeral itself was very small because he had outlived many of his friends. When we reached the crematorium there was a double chapel, one side for us, the other side for a Muslim cleric. We had eight cars. They had four hundred cars and were having difficulty parking them all. I was sent round to their side to invite them to use our underused car parking area. As a result their party included a prayer for our uncle in their service. We responded by praying for their cleric in our service. After the services the two groups were mixed as we collected our cars. Then we found out that the Muslim cleric and my uncle had known each other and had both worked on the same community projects. They invited us back to their funeral party but we had to decline because we had a group of elderly relatives waiting for us. At our wake we had a ten-piece jazz combo playing instruments that my uncle had given them. We enjoyed ourselves which is what he would have wanted.

Og

 

[Guest]

I think a bit of humor in the service can be helpful.

My brother was always late - to everything. His consistent tardiness was a big joke in our family. His wife always told him he would be late for his own funeral.

So, at his service, the pastor deliberately started the precedings five minutes late - "in honor of John." That made us smile.

As the pastor delivered the message, he said that at the last, friends and family on earth were saying, "Is he still here? Is he gone?" while loved ones in heaven were saying, "Is he here yet?"

The pastor ended the service with, "But then, at 6:35, late again, John arrived."

That made us cry.

(Still does.)

 

[McKenna]

It's been rather nice (and interesting) to read all of your stories and experiences. Thank you for sharing them with me. I've gotten goosebumps more than once, and certainly felt each of you respectively as you shared this somewhat private side of yourself.

Two and a half years ago my brother committed suicide. I say this not to shock or elicit sympathy, I say it because I must. I cannot simply say he "passed away" or he "died". He didn't just do either of those. He took his life on purpose in a violent way, and I refuse to dress it down to make it more socially acceptable.

On that note, it was and is interesting to see and experience other people's reaction to suicide. I noticed that for many of the older generation, it was truly something taboo. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the belief that a person who commits suicide has no chance for eternal redemtpion or what. Some tend to treat you diferently, wondering if perhaps the madness runs in the family. Many don't know what to say or how to say it. It's a lonely kind of death to deal with.

My brother was 28 when he died, one year younger than me at the time. There was a small, very private viewing of his body the night before the service. My parents chose not to attend. It was me and my three remaining siblings who paid our respects and said goodbye.

I was a pall-bearer for my brother's coffin. I'm under the impression it is not "normal" for women to be pall-bearers. My siblings and I decided we didn't want anyone else to handle his casket, so we, with our spouses, carried his body to its final resting place --all this while wearing heels, no less. Although I was too numb to notice at the time, I am told the chapel was filled to the rim for his service. The over-flow chapel as well. My parents, who were in charge of the service as my brother was unmarried (divorced), handled the arrangements. It was a religious service. It was not my religion. The "priest" touched on the damnation of his immortal soul because he had committed suicide. I felt it was inappropriate. I tuned him out and focused on memories of my brother.

After his body was interred, that was it. No gathering of the family and friends, nothing. My parents were vehemently against this, and to this day I have no idea why. I was grateful for the folks who either didn't know there was to be no gathering after the service, or knew and braved my parent's wrath anyway, and came out to the house to visit and talk and share their stories and experiences about my brother. I think those gatherings are exceptionally healing.

My brother died in August. In December I drove back to my childhood home some eleven hours away to spend the holidays with my parents. I drove out to the cemetery, the graves were now covered in snow. His loss was so fresh and so painful, it was difficult to even be there where his remains were interred. I missed him, I miss him still. He had no marker on his grave, but I knew where to find it within the family plot. I "spoke" to him for several long moments. And then I turned around, splayed out my arms, and fell backwards into the snow on top of his grave. I gave him a marker, a snow angel; I gave him the only thing I could give him to let him know I was there.






I think because of my experiences with my brother's suicide, I've become more hardened to death. My sister and I talk often about what we want when we die. Both of us want to be cremated; we don't want a lot of fuss. A few weeks ago we were camping together up on the mountain near an old mining ghost town. We visited the cemetery while there, both of us intrigued with the artwork from 19th century tombstones. It was there my sister came up with the idea --should her wishes ever be denied and cremation not take place-- that she would like for her tombstone a simple, sculpted hand reaching out of the ground, as if reaching out of the grave. On it she would like inscribed, "Dead ....or not?"

Irreverence is a good thing.

 

[Guest]

Irreverence is a good thing.

Yes. I think it's the only thing that can get us through the awful times.

for you and your family, especially your brother.


(and FUCK that priest who was more concerned with his own ego than with Christian love and healing for grieving family and friends. No wonder so many people are leaving organized religion as quickly as possible.)


Edited to add - Oops. That was supposed to be in silver. Silly me.

 

[SlickTony]

It is absolutely vital after a death in the family to go out to the orchard and tell the bees. If you don't there will be no honey that year.

I've heard several times that there is a bee and honey shortage. So that's it!

I've been to few funerals, but all Southern ones. I suppose the one that sticks in my memory the most is my father-in-law's, which was a full metal southern funeral, with visitation, and people bringing all kinds of food, and after the service, we went from the funeral home to the old cemetary, which was in another small town, where he was to be buried. I drove the second car in the cortege. Everybody who happened to be on the road at that time pulled off by the side of the road out of respect.

Now, in my own family, we weren't much for funerals. Despite all the people who have died, there hasn't been a single funeral as such, and what there was, I didn't get to go to. When my dad died, he was cremated, and my mother kept his ashes in a box until my sister could make it down from California and Henry and I could make it from Florida. We scattered his ashes in a planting area in the Houston zoo, and I sang "In the Garden," a song he'd always liked even though he wasn't religious. He always liked the zoo. He gave quite a lot of money to it, and somewhere in the zoo are some plaques he had commissioned that have our names on them.

 

[McKenna]

for Sarahh

 

[snooper]

I've heard several times that there is a bee and honey shortage. So that's it!

I wasn't joking; ask any apiarist and they will tell you that that is a very old tradition.

I don't think that it is any sillier than believing that "something" of a person persists after they are dead.

 

[Guest]

certainly have had to deal with alot of death in my life time. not only of my family but of my patients as well. working cardiac care, its just a part of life...

my fathers death was pretty tragic. though it should have come sooner...the last year of his life was filled with the horror of memory loss and pain. just as mckenna, i was pall bearer...and i gave a eulogy. it was so hard to do, but i would not change that for the world. it was my way of saying good bye to a man who stood on ceremony. my way of saying goodbye that i believed he would have understood.
his ceremony was very filled with pomp. the stone masons did their thing...we had a bag piper with his dog playing in the back ground. a minister interred my fathers body and the whole thing was very long and involved, just as i believe he would have wanted...

my mother on the other hand, died quickly after years of being ill. she didn't want a service ...only to be burned and tossed over the atlantic that she loved and lived by. we threw her a party. we talked about her...we laughed...cried...got drunk and sang. i think, this was the best funeral i had ever been to. i know mom approved. this is what i want as well. just friends gathered in my honor to laugh and sing and remember me with a smile.

soon, i will be tossing mom's ashes over the water. it'll be a very difficult thing to let go of the last remaining part of her, but with my daugthers and luckster by my side, i hope that shell somehow know that we are fulfilling her last wish.

 

[SensualCealy]

My dad is 17 yrs older than my mom, so we assume he will go first. The joke we have is that since he has loved fishing since I can remember and has fed the fish on more than one occasion, that when he is cremated we will take him out on his boat and feed the fish one more time. Now the funny part is, my dad has never been able to get mom in the boat, and he says that will likely be the first and last time she ever rides in it!

I had to laugh when we were all discussing this, cause the way my family works, we would end up dropping him and have him bob all over lake Erie until we could net him, similar to the way dad fishes! lol

Now mom, she didnt want to be embalmed, well up here its the law, so she doesnt have a choice. We have her talked into being cremated as well. But in her casket she gets a carton of smokes, knitting needles and a few balls of yarn, she has to have something to do while she waits for us kids to get there with her!

Me and hubby, we both signed our donor cards, take what is needed or can be used and burn us. May as well give back what we can to those who can be helped.
Guess I best get at making up the will -finally!
C

 

[Kassiana]

I have attended only one funeral for a family member. It went about as well as one could expect. It was my grandmother's funeral. She had three sons. One of them arranged for the guests, one of them paid for everything, and the third (my father) gave the eulogy. We had a "generic" minister who hadn't known her during life, but said good, sound things (e.g. "It's okay to grieve for her loss," "Try to remember her, even if it hurts at first," etc.). He even included some of the things in his closing that my father had said about my grandma in his eulogy.

We grandchildren were the pallbearers. It was weird for me, but I was very glad that I had strong cousins to help me out. (If I'd been the only one, Grandma would have had to stay at the funeral home!)

My caution to you would be this: Make sure, if you have a minister who doesn't know your dead loved one, that he at least talks about the impact of death on the family. My mother once attended a funeral of a major supporter of her YWCA where the minister mentioned the deceased twice only, and spent the rest of the time talking about himself and his trips to Israel. One of her staff actually leaned over to her during his speech and whispered, "Whose funeral does he think this is?"

 

[Blackie Malone]

In my family funerals are odd family gatherings. We like the brunch afterwards when you can then respectfully make fun of the dead's family.
The seriousness comes with the last moments before leaving the funeral home, or as they call them here...the corpse house. Then it's off to the church and then to the cemetary. This time is always the most respectful because it is the last goodbye.
My family is large so it's normally a parade. I've kept my control a few times when people have cut into the funeral procession with their cars. The urge to call them all sorts of names can be overwhelming.
I just wish I could get over the giggling before I walk into the funeral home.

 

[oggbashan]

My caution to you would be this: Make sure, if you have a minister who doesn't know your dead loved one, that he at least talks about the impact of death on the family.

My father's funeral (not father and mother-in-law, see above) had to be conducted by a minister who didn't know him because the ministers who had known him had died or retired.

I provided him with a brief resume of what I thought my father would like to be remembered for. The hymns and the music before and after the ceremony were chosen to suit my father's taste.

The minister was very good and emphasised that funerals were for the living, not for the dead. The point was for us to remember the deceased and give thanks for his life, while sharing our grief and loss with each other. He left it to the family members to give their memories of my father. My family being what it is, everyone including the greatgrandchildren, made sure that their speeches were audible and concise.

We asked for the readings to be from the King James Bible and the service from the old Book of Common Prayer because both would have been familiar to my father. We had to bring our own Bible and Prayer Book because the crematorium didn't have the old versions available. Some of the grandsons and granddaughters read the Bible passages, coping with the King James version with aplomb.

The minister was rather startled by the informal atmosphere of the event. Almost everyone there was family and we were celebrating my father. We sang the chosen hymns with gusto, drowning the organist who was playing 'delicately' until he realised that we were singing so loudly (and sometimes badly).

At the end of the service, the music was the entrance of the Peers from Gilbert and Sullivan's operetta The Mikado. My father used to perform G&S and frequently sang that music - so we sang it in the crematorium and left the chapel as if we were the Peers processing across the stage.

Afterwards the minister admitted that he hadn't experienced anything quite like that funeral. For the first time he had felt that he wasn't performing the service, the congregation were. Which of course is what we wanted. We knew how we wanted to say farewell, so we did.

Og

 

[Guest]

We wanted the music to be worthwhile for my brother's service but we encountered a few problems.

I couldn't handle performing, so we planned hymns with the organist instead. The Sunday organist wasn't available mid-week, however, so we had a fill-in. I know it wasn't her fault she was seriously lacking in skill.

During the service the congregation began to sing the mournful hymns. They were agonizing and I didn't think I was going to be able to get through it. Well, until the pastor's wife began to sing. She has an incredibly loud, completely nasal voice.

In retrospect, those things were very good. I was actually able to sing the hymns while the pastor's wife was singing. Listening to her gentle screeching let me focus on the comical aspect of the entire situation.

As for the organist? She was a godsend. At she struggled with one particularly difficult passage (and lost) I leaned over to my sister and whispered, "Apparently rhythm is optional."

God help us.

 

[McKenna]

<snip>
Mother-in-law died first. She was interred in a cardboard coffin (biodegradable) in a field that will eventually be woodland.

Father-in-law died a year later. This time the field wasn't awash. He was buried next to his wife and eventually a native tree was planted above them. Normally there is one tree per grave but for two graves side by side the Parish Council provided (at our expense) a tree that will grow larger than the normal ones for single graves. <snip>

Does anyone know if this kind of burial is possible in the U.S.? I must admit I'm incredibly intrigued by the idea of giving my body back to the earth. I like this idea better than cremation, in fact.