Fulfilling Needs....

[Berwyn]

The difference is that I am posting in a thread specifically asking for a discussion.

And telling someone that they are "kidding themselves" because they don't hold the same view as yours is not a discussion, it's an accusation.

 

[littlebabyclit]

great topic

However, in typical society (not necessarily the audience here....) it is "taboo" to think of multiple people fulfilling our sexual or physical needs. How many other people out there just think that line of thinking is seriously flawed? I find it very hard to imagine that there is any ONE person in this universe that can fulfill every single physical and sexual need we have as humans.

So, why is it socially acceptable to have multiple people fulfill emotional needs, but socially unacceptable to have multiple people fulfill sexual needs? Seems screwy to me....

Thoughts?

I don't have a lot to add on this topic, other than that I wish I'd known more about swinging and polyamorism years ago. It would have changed my life, and I probably wouldn't still be living as I am now, in a strictly (constrictingly) monogamous relationship. But my knowledge of these lifestyles was non-existant, previous to six months ago.


Why does the culturally or societally imposed constriction of expected, enforced, suffocating, unrealistic monogamy still envelop, control and manipulate us all ? I think kaycee217 put it best, earlier in this thread:

Because society is stubborn, prude, and filled with people who do things, not because it's the right thing to do (it makes logical sense), but because "that's how we've always done it."

The tradition-adhering, peer pressure-wrangling, risk-averse, mentally stagnant, fear-motivated, obedient, resigned-to-what-seems-to-be, courage-deprived, inert, feckless majority who can't or won't tolerate change holds back the progress and evolution of people towards living more freely, honestly and realistically, regarding human sexuality. It's always up to the supporters of minority thinking to spread the word, and one day, maybe everyone will be living in a more polyamorous world, but it will take a lot of time to get there.

 

[Berwyn]

I don't have a lot to add on this topic, other than that I wish I'd known more about swinging and polyamorism years ago. It would have changed my life, and I probably wouldn't still be living as I am now, in a strictly (constrictingly) monogamous relationship. But my knowledge of these lifestyles was non-existant, previous to six months ago.


Why does the culturally or societally imposed constriction of expected, enforced, suffocating, unrealistic monogamy still envelop, control and manipulate us all ? I think kaycee217 put it best, earlier in this thread:



The tradition-adhering, peer pressure-wrangling, risk-averse, mentally stagnant, fear-motivated, obedient, resigned-to-what-seems-to-be, courage-deprived, inert, feckless majority who can't or won't tolerate change holds back the progress and evolution of people towards living more freely, honestly and realistically, regarding human sexuality. It's always up to the supporters of minority thinking to spread the word, and one day, maybe everyone will be living in a more polyamorous world, but it will take a lot of time to get there.

Don't hold back....tell us how you really feel

 

[Ouroborus]

I read this thread and thought it was very interesting. Polygamy is more common than most people think. People that think it's so great might not still think so after being around it.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

I read this thread and thought it was very interesting. Polygamy is more common than most people think. People that think it's so great might not still think so after being around it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't polygamy, polyamory, and just a general "open marriage" very different things? I wasn't necessarily talking about polygamy. I admit I am very ignorant on that subject, but I'm not talking about a Mormon based lifestyle where men have multiple wives. I'm talking about my very non-religious husband and I seeking sexual gratification separate and together outside of our marriage. Aren't those very different subjects? And I'm interested to know exactly why you believe that people might not think its great after they've been around it. Enlighten us please.

 

[Ouroborus]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be confusing.

I honestly had to do a search of a few of those words to be sure what they all meant. I had only heard polygamy or "plural marriage" in my experiences. Yes, I suppose that they are different things. My response was meant to refer to a man taking multiple women as partners, either as wives or just as... consorts I guess.

I'm not a Mormon, just to be clear. I also don't want to be vague but I am not really ready to openly discuss a lot of this. I hope that's okay.

Basically what I have come to realize is that giving a man legitimate, recognized sexual authority over many women will only make him mistreat his situation. In my experience the women were maybe with other men as well, but were responsible only to one man, if that makes any sense.

I don't know. It's hard to understand. I guess it's just a matter of power going to someone's head.

I honestly had never considered a woman needing sexual fulfillment from more than one man, but as I have said many times I'm still learning more about a world that I wasn't really exposed to.

 

[PublicAffection]

My views on this swing from left to right from time to time. I come from a very conservative Christian background, and while I have enjoyed many partners in my lifetime and would like very much to continue to enjoy many partners in the future (with the consent of my husband), I still have moments when the "Thou shalt pleasure your husband alone, and only if and when he demands it, and at whatever frequency he likes, and only in the position and location that he deems worthy..." voice comes booming into my head.

It is very confusing for everyone (husbands, wives, lovers, friends) when we are ALL battling within ourselves between what we were taught is "right" and what actually IS right for us. Personally, I struggle with this on many fronts: wanting multiple partners, wanting women, wanting to see my husband enjoy his fetishes and allow him to have multiple partners.

While completely a turn-on, all of these things have moments when they become very overwhelming.

 

[Ouroborus]

glad I'm not the only one confused by it all

 

[kaycee217]

glad I'm not the only one confused by it all

Confusion is a good sign - it probably shows you understand the complexity of it all.

 

[Ouroborus]

I'd rather be in a more stable place, honestly, but I see what you mean.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

I honestly had never considered a woman needing sexual fulfillment from more than one man, but as I have said many times I'm still learning more about a world that I wasn't really exposed to.

I guess that's kinda what I was thinking when I posed the discussion topic. As a woman, I do feel that there are sexual needs that I desire to have fulfilled by multiple men. It never really was about power to me. And I never envisioned the subject to mean only men have multiple partners. I was more specifically thinking of women because they tend to have more needs than men. It's all very confusing and I'm still learning a lot, even more so now with this discussion.

 

[Netzach]

So, why is it socially acceptable to have multiple people fulfill emotional needs, but socially unacceptable to have multiple people fulfill sexual needs? Seems screwy to me....

Thoughts?

(interesting, respectable discussion only, please.....)

The sooner you stop worrying about what other people think and live your marriage as the two of you want to, the better off you will be. If you are hoping for social sanction, accept that it's unlikely within your lifetime and get on with enjoying your sexuality.

And it's definitely not only men who have multiple partners.

(In an MFM relationship, surprisingly free of drama due to the multiple partner thing)

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

The sooner you stop worrying about what other people think and live your marriage as the two of you want to, the better off you will be. )

Thank you! I am slowly beginning to realize that...

 

[tanru]

The sooner you stop worrying about what other people think and live your marriage as the two of you want to, the better off you will be.

This is the best piece of advice anyone is likely to give in this thread.

In an MFM relationship, surprisingly free of drama due to the multiple partner thing

My understanding of such things, limited as it is, is that you are fortunate. Has it taken a lot of work and effort to reach the point you're at, or did all three of you just sort of click?

 

[thelvinaer]

story

removed

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

I honestly forgot I started this thread and thought the discussion was interesting. Anyone care to continue?

 

[hunkydorey]

I just found this post and it really made me think. But when I got to the end the thread had been removed or killed (I am new to this forum so not sure why it was dead). Here is my .02 worth. Yes in my society, American or Christian or however you choose to categorize it, this sexual support or fulfilling needs you talk about is taboo.

Remember when Clinton got caught with Monica and first he denied it, then he lied about it and it almost politically devastated him. Well if that would have happened in Let's say a French society (and if there are any French readers here this is not meant as bad thing), it would have been looked at differently. In fact if it had been a French leader he would have probably have been reelected because of it.

Also take a look at another high profile couple Al & Tipper Gore. The media portrayed that American society was so sad to hear about their failing marriage. People asked questions, "why did this happen" and many thought maybe there was someone else either in Al's or Tipper's life? But what if Tipper said "Al, I want to stay married to you but I really need another man in my life to fulfill a need I am not getting from you"! Can you imagine what American society would think? She would have been stoned on Rockefeller Plaza or worse ousted from society.

It seems to me that in my society if someone in a good or even bad relationship cheats on their spouse then a divorce becomes imminent, friends and family accept it and move on. But if a couple from work or your church or your neighborhood says they love each other but they also love or have sex with others outside of the marriage, they are looked on like convicts or child molestors. Normal regular everyday people avoid them like the plague, almost like if they get close to them they are going to catch something.

I don't have any answers, but agree that people change, needs change, fulfilling those needs change. Communication is part of the solution, lying and deception are not.

 

[satindesire]

I just found this post and it really made me think. But when I got to the end the thread had been removed or killed (I am new to this forum so not sure why it was dead).

Threads die all the time, for absolutely no reason. Once you've been around the forum longer, you'll see.

 

[susankimlover]

If you're not satisfied with one lover, you won't be with two. And, is it just lust or love?

You have to grow in a relationship. Married 23 years so I know. It takes work. Work I don't think the 20 year old set wants to do. Love ain't enough. You have to work at it. If you're married and your spouse is okay with you screwing someone else, you're marriage is doomed to failure. Sex, no matter how great, ain't enough in a marriage either. Making love is emotional and physical. Sex is just fucking.

Living together has been proven to cause a 75% increase in divorce. "Open marriages" are basically no commitment and I can fuck that girl or guy I want. In other words, why did you get married? If you didn't get married, you'd eventually drop the bullshit and be with someone else.

It isn't "old fashioned" nonsense but real marriages that people work at work out. Open ones don't.

I think the free sex mentality has distorted the view of marriage. Are you making a commitment or serving self? You are either married or you're not and fooling yourself in the process.

 

[coastal-boy]

If you're not satisfied with one lover, you won't be with two. And, is it just lust or love?

You have to grow in a relationship. Married 23 years so I know. It takes work. Work I don't think the 20 year old set wants to do. Love ain't enough. You have to work at it. If you're married and your spouse is okay with you screwing someone else, you're marriage is doomed to failure. Sex, no matter how great, ain't enough in a marriage either. Making love is emotional and physical. Sex is just fucking.

Living together has been proven to cause a 75% increase in divorce. "Open marriages" are basically no commitment and I can fuck that girl or guy I want. In other words, why did you get married? If you didn't get married, you'd eventually drop the bullshit and be with someone else.

It isn't "old fashioned" nonsense but real marriages that people work at work out. Open ones don't.

I think the free sex mentality has distorted the view of marriage. Are you making a commitment or serving self? You are either married or you're not and fooling yourself in the process.

you speaking from having experience in both an open and non-open relationship?

I thought not.

People need to get off their soapboxes. You do not know what works for other people. And you never will. Period. It is just that simple. What you do know is that it would not work for you. What I know is that it would not work for me. But the judgementalist attitude in the quoted post is total 100% BS in my opinion.

 

[duright]

I think it is a shame that more people don't look at recreational sex as just that. A very enjoyable experience between consenting adults for the sole purpose of just having fun and enjoying some intense feelings. Sex is one of the most pleasurable things we do together. It could be a lot more for many people if were not for the societal views of multiple sexual partners.

 

[infinity706]

If you're not satisfied with one lover, you won't be with two. And, is it just lust or love?

You have to grow in a relationship. Married 23 years so I know. It takes work. Work I don't think the 20 year old set wants to do. Love ain't enough. You have to work at it. If you're married and your spouse is okay with you screwing someone else, you're marriage is doomed to failure. Sex, no matter how great, ain't enough in a marriage either. Making love is emotional and physical. Sex is just fucking.

Living together has been proven to cause a 75% increase in divorce. "Open marriages" are basically no commitment and I can fuck that girl or guy I want. In other words, why did you get married? If you didn't get married, you'd eventually drop the bullshit and be with someone else.

It isn't "old fashioned" nonsense but real marriages that people work at work out. Open ones don't.

I think the free sex mentality has distorted the view of marriage. Are you making a commitment or serving self? You are either married or you're not and fooling yourself in the process.

I definately have to call bullshit on this. Open relationships are all kinds of awesome when they're actually about commitment and friendship instead of nothing but fucking. I've personally racked up more 2+ year relationships (including one going on 7 years) than I can count on one hand and I'm only 24. Nearly all of my turnover rate for people that made it past the hookup stage has been people moving away and I've never had one single instance of STDs, serious (nonconsentual ) assault, theft, or pregnancy that I know of. Counting all the people I've fucked and all the people my partners have fucked, it could easily total over 500, although I couldn't quote a real number because sharing such information is optional. It's not like there's much incentive to take risks, though, considering they don't have to go behind my back and I even set my partners up on a date if they ask. (I've also been set up quite a few times, myself) Yes, I've had some turnover, but no worse than for platonic friendships and the drama has been minimal.

Really, I've seen "open relationships" like you've described, but those are just the visible ones because most people with the really good ones don't go flaunting it in public. When I go out in public with my regular partners, we don't generally molest each other or even kiss in front of people. I've even dated some cougars and bears that the general public thinks are my mom or dad... (yes, I even call them mom, dad, nanny, etc. if they want) It's really no different than bisexuality. A huge number of 'straight' people do same sex things in private.

 

[GrnEyedGrl]

you speaking from having experience in both an open and non-open relationship?

I thought not.

People need to get off their soapboxes. You do not know what works for other people. And you never will. Period. It is just that simple. What you do know is that it would not work for you. What I know is that it would not work for me. But the judgementalist attitude in the quoted post is total 100% BS in my opinion.

I appreciate you calling this out because I was seriously offended by this person's statements too. Who are you to judge what is doomed to fail? My husband and I are in an open relationship and we are not kidding anyone. We are happy, honest, in love, and in a better place now than we ever have been and we've been together 14 years.

Why do so many people have to be so close minded and judgmental about these things? That's what seriously pisses me off. Some don't work, true. But that does not mean every marriage that is open fails. That is absolutely not true.

 

[hotnogs]

No one seems to have touched on the the issue of what happens when two people in a relationship have different views on having multiple partners. I'm in this situation - my fiance is beautiful, gorgeous, loving, fun, my best friend in the whole world and definitely the person i want to share my life with. But I'll admit I have a wandering eye and am very much attracted to the possibility of screwing other people - call it typical male libido or whatever but that's the way I am.

Now here's the thing - I KNOW my SO fantasises about other people probably as much as i do, we're quite open about discussing it and its quite a fun and intimate part of our sex life. But where as I've admitted I'd be up for taking it a stage further and actually making the fantasies real, she definitely doesn't want to cross that line, and I respect her wanting to keep our relationship exclusive basically because she's scared jealousy and complications could get in the way and ruin the beautiful thing we have together. The way i see it, fucking someone else would serve no greater function than going out for a beer with friends, i.e. it would be a bit of harmless, self-serving, ultimately meaningless fun, but I can see where she's coming from. So obviously i have a choice - I could go out and fuck around anyway, or I could respect her views and deny myself what i see as a fun and invigorating addition to my lifestyle. For the record, I choose the latter, because this girl means more to me than all the potentially great fucks out there.

I think the point I'm trying to make is not everyone chooses monogamy out of of some stunted, backward-looking, strangling respect for tradition. Even if 'free love' does feel more natural, or, let's face it, fun, sometimes people choose monogamy simply because they love that one other person that much, and being exclusive is a part of what defines that love.

 

[zanderstar]

prbly been said alot but. STDs. but you deff bring up a good point one that im sure alot of cheated on ppl will disagree with. you need to atleast remember that a basic feeling as a human is that of jelousy. and also that want to be needed. i know if the girl i was with was seeing someone else i would be extremly jelouse and alil insecure about myself. though i havnt had to go through that yet (knocks on fake wooden table prbly made in china)

but deff a well thought out discussion i wonder what side you took and or what side your "hubby" took