Fuck Buddy - any experience?

[TheHawk2]

I have a close, female friend of many years - fifteen. Back then, there was some consideration of maybe we'd be into a romantic relationship, but at that point before it matured into anything as such we mutually concluded perhaps given differences it would not likely work.

We have been just close friends over many years, neither one of us romantically involved with anyone else at present nor recent past -- we are both in our mid-60's.

While I can accept that a full blown conventional relationship on an ongoing daily basis wouldn't work I have of late been thinking of perhaps she, and I, might be open to something along the lines of a fuck buddy. We do care for one another, there is love of a kind and we have supported each other through ups and downs. So, an extension to our deep seated friendship of periodically satisfying our sexual needs with one another, with no entanglements, nor strings attached would seem natural.

My question is for others with experience -- how does this work out? What is the success / failure rate over the longer term? Or, does it happen that more likely this destroys the entire friendship itself in the end?

I know I could with some cautious lead up -- outright suggest or ask her whether this sort of relationship would be possible. If it wasn't, she would tell me so, maybe be flattered but asking wouldn't hurt our freindship. However, if she were to say yes -- then that is where my question comes in as to other's history with fuck buddy relationships. Definitely workable even over the longer term -- or high risk of destroying base friendship?
Thanks for your responses.

 

[Eilan]

Sounds like you want to have a friends with benefits type of relationship, not a fuck buddy.

I'm not wired for those types of relationships--I've tried--but other people's mileage may vary, obviously. My concern would be whether or not the friendship could survive if the sexual relationship soured. Only the two of you can decide if it's worth the risk.

Good luck.

 

[TheHawk2]

Fuck Buddy / Friend with Benefits

Sounds like you want to have a friends with benefits type of relationship, not a fuck buddy.

I'm not wired for those types of relationships--I've tried--but other people's mileage may vary, obviously. My concern would be whether or not the friendship could survive if the sexual relationship soured. Only the two of you can decide if it's worth the risk.

Good luck.

Thanks Eilan for your wise input based on your experience -- appreciate it.

Hmm?? Terminology? Fuck Buddy versus Friends with Benefits. Certainly the latter is a more civilized description -- although I'm not sure I truly understand the distinction. BUT, if I do bring the subject up with her -- I WILL use the latter -- thanks!

Not to be forgotten, this is a long term friendship so I would like to think and do feel fairly comfortable that if the sex portion didn't work out, or issues develop that we could let that go without harming the long standing base friendship. Afterall, it in and of itself is filling needs in one another's life as it is, and has been over mnay years.

Thanks again -- or further thoughts?

 

[Keel_to_breaker]

Yeah, I have to agree that the term "fuck buddy" might not be the best here; at least, in terms of how you approach her

Just be up front and honest with her. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, having a strong intellectual/personal connection with someone often breeds a longing for something more. Your friend might enjoy a little no-strings-atatched-sex. At the end of the day, however, you're both adults and all relationships, even platonic friendships can get messy. Just be honest and up front, because, if you are feeling this attraction, not saying anything about it could just lead to awkwardness or create barriers between you....sometimes just admitting that you wouldn't mind inviting her into the bedroom for a bit of fun can break that tension, even if she refuses.

On that note, I've done the whole friends with benefits thing on multiple occasions and in my experience, it always gets complicated on some level. Emotions will always find a way of seeping in despite your best intentions. Keep in mind that I'm in my early 30's and most of my experiences happened while I was in my twenties. Maturity levels definitely affect the way these things work.

 

[TheHawk2]

Yeah, I have to agree that the term "fuck buddy" might not be the best here; at least, in terms of how you approach her

I've done the whole friends with benefits thing on multiple occasions and in my experience, it always gets complicated on some level. Emotions will always find a way of seeping in despite of your best intentions. Keep in mind that I'm in my early 30's and most of my experiences happened while I was in my twenties. Maturity levels definitely affect the way these things work.

Just be up front and honest with her. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, having a strong intellectual/personal connection with someone often breeds a longing for something more. Your friend might enjoy a little no-strings-atatched-sex. At the end of the day, however, you're both adults and all relationships, even platonic friendships can get messy. Just be honest and up front, because, if you are feeling this attraction, not saying anything about it could just lead to awkwardness....sometimes just admitting that you wouldn't mind inviting her into your bedroom for a bit of fun can break that tension, even if she refuses.

Thanks Keel ... I agree with everything you say, your own experience etc.
I wouldn't have used Fuck Buddy in an approach to her -- bit of tongue-in-cheek for the post. However, I hadn't thought of Friends with Benefits as Eilan suggested but it is "user freindly" and gets to the point without the need for a lot of "himming and humming" as to WHAT I am asking, or talking about. LOL

There is a strong intellectual component, shared sense of humour and I do believe an underlying sexual attraction that was there from the start, but we both put way back on the burner when having made the decision a conventional living under one roof relationship would not likely work for us. Better to have a long term friendship, than a much shorter-lived supposed "conventional committed relationship".

Thanks Keel

 

[Keel_to_breaker]

Thanks Keel ... I agree with everything you say, your own experience etc.
I wouldn't have used Fuck Buddy in an approach to her -- bit of tongue-in-cheek for the post. However, I hadn't thought of Friends with Benefits as Eilan suggested but it is "user freindly" and gets to the point without the need for a lot of "himming and humming" as to WHAT I am asking, or talking about. LOL

I know you're just being cheeky, and sometimes its the hardest thing in the world to get past that initial barrier and be honest about your wants and desires in a way that sounds mature and rational. so good luck!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I tried it and it worked good for many years.

Back in 2000 I mentored a freshly minted PhD who's 20 years my junior. She was like 30 or so back then. I was 50. Very smart woman, gorgeous, intimidated the crap out of mere mortal men. But we hit it off well, and became buddies.

After we parted ways professionally we had lunch every week for several years. She had a string of boyfriends, all around my age, but didnt click with them. And one night she calls me, drunk, and I invite her over for breakfast out. She was on the road anyway, and I lived a few blocks from her house. So she stopped by, I took her to Dennys, and we got in the sack afterwards. This went on for a while, till I retired and she moved. Still not married.

Many years ago I knew a woman who had an arrangement with a married man, he was rich and his wife was seriously disabled and confined to an institution (head injury). He wouldnt divorce his wife, and the woman I knew didnt want a husband. So they hungout together for ages.

 

[devinity7]

I think the distinction between a "fuck buddy" and "fwb" is the level of involvement. A fuck buddy you call to do just that, fuck. A friend with benefits is someone who you are friends with whom you might also have lunch with or just pal around. Just my perception.

Being you both are already close, it might be an easy transition into intimacy. There's also the possibility it might even bring you closer or one or the other might begin to want more.

In all relationships, communication is key. As long as everyone is upfront and open, even when and if, feelings change, then you might find it to be a very wonderful experience.

Good Luck!

 

[TheHawk2]

I tried it and it worked good for many years.

Back in 2000 I mentored a freshly minted PhD who's 20 years my junior. She was like 30 or so back then. I was 50. Very smart woman, gorgeous, intimidated the crap out of mere mortal men. But we hit it off well, and became buddies.

After we parted ways professionally we had lunch every week for several years. She had a string of boyfriends, all around my age, but didnt click with them. And one night she calls me, drunk, and I invite her over for breakfast out. She was on the road anyway, and I lived a few blocks from her house. So she stopped by, I took her to Dennys, and we got in the sack afterwards. This went on for a while, till I retired and she moved. Still not married.

Many years ago I knew a woman who had an arrangement with a married man, he was rich and his wife was seriously disabled and confined to an institution (head injury). He wouldnt divorce his wife, and the woman I knew didnt want a husband. So they hungout together for ages.

Thanks James -- great to hear of your positive experience in this area. What are your thoughts at this point now -- open to another relationship of that nature, or a more conventional relationship, or just not looking, content with life, as it is?

 

[TheHawk2]

Fb - Fwb

I think the distinction between a "fuck buddy" and "fwb" is the level of involvement. A fuck buddy you call to do just that, fuck. A friend with benefits is someone who you are friends with whom you might also have lunch with or just pal around. Just my perception.

Being you both are already close, it might be an easy transition into intimacy. There's also the possibility it might even bring you closer or one or the other might begin to want more.

In all relationships, communication is key. As long as everyone is upfront and open, even when and if, feelings change, then you might find it to be a very wonderful experience.

Good Luck!

Good break down on the difference in terminology -- thanks DEVINITY
Communication is important as you point out -- we do have that as well. Which is why I feel confident that if I do proceed to bring up and ask and it is NO -- won't be taken as an insult, nor end of the friendship at risk, for being open and asking.

Looks like by the number of replies to my original post the concensus is running towards possibilities that an FWB can be workable, but with also potential for some associated risk down the road. My biggest fear would be if there was a chance that FWB would turn into something "more". Howevr, that's not too big a fear as we really do have very different day to day lifestyle priorities -- her in particular.

Thnaks D.

 

[MsQuote]

In general, I would say that it's an arrangement in which someone is going to be disappointed.

In one case, it started out well, but eventually, it was at his beck and call. If I wanted to see him, he always had other plans or some lame excuse. I only heard from him when he was feeling horny (and I suspect that he had other interests). I felt that I deserved better.

In another case, it was wonderful. We set up ground rules at the very beginning of what our friendship/relationship was and wasn't. What made it work is that he treated me respectfully and we had a base of a great friendship.

If you like and care for her as a friend, what are the differences that you assume that a relationship wouldn't work?

 

[TheHawk2]

In general, I would say that it's an arrangement in which someone is going to be disappointed.

In one case, it started out well, but eventually, it was at his beck and call. If I wanted to see him, he always had other plans or some lame excuse. I only heard from him when he was feeling horny (and I suspect that he had other interests). I felt that I deserved better.

In another case, it was wonderful. We set up ground rules at the very beginning of what our friendship/relationship was and wasn't. What made it work is that he treated me respectfully and we had a base of a great friendship.

If you like and care for her as a friend, what are the differences that you assume that a relationship wouldn't work?

Thanks MsQuote for your response.

I understand what you are saying relative to your first relationship mentioned -- our friendship has been one of much mutual respect and care over many years such that the sex benefit, if introduced, would never become the sole basis, nor do I think if we saw problems or issues that we wouldn't be prepared to drop the benefits and save a long friendship.

It sounds like the second relationship you mentioned was a great FWB one and more along the lines of what should be possible. If you don't mind me asking -- How long did it last? What caused it to end? -- assuming it did. LOL

The differences I'm talking about are not so much that with the introduction of sex into our current friendship that that would change things or make them so different overall, or from what we have known. More intimacy of course certainly would add to the relationship, but that should be positive and not really be a soure of differences. The differences I'm talking about are ones of day to day living /life style between us -- a conventional, romantic, full blown relationship under one roof just wouldn't work. We addressed, and recognized that back fifteen years ago at the beginning of our friendship. The differences are not negative, nor of extreme nature -- just different priorities that wouldn't work under one roof - we both realize, accept that. the fear I expressed in a reply, to a reply earlier was what if as a result of adding sexual aspect to friendship one, but only one DID change in that view and want more? THAT could destroy the friendship eventhough it isn't the sex aspect itself the issue.

Thanks again for your input, thoughts, suggestions and interest - MsQuote

 

[bob53]

Thanks MsQuote for your response.



The differences I'm talking about are not so much that with the introduction of sex into our current friendship that that would change things or make them so different overall, or from what we have known. More intimacy of course certainly would add to the relationship, but that should be positive and not really be a soure of differences. The differences I'm talking about are ones of day to day living /life style between us -- a conventional, romantic, full blown relationship under one roof just wouldn't work. We addressed, and recognized that back fifteen years ago at the beginning of our friendship. The differences are not negative, nor of extreme nature -- just different priorities that wouldn't work under one roof - we both realize, accept that. the fear I expressed in a reply, to a reply earlier was what if as a result of adding sexual aspect to friendship one, but only one DID change in that view and want more? THAT could destroy the friendship eventhough it isn't the sex aspect itself the issue.

Thanks again for your input, thoughts, suggestions and interest - MsQuote

First and most important is both of you acknowledge and accept your differences.

I became involved with a long time (15+ year ) friend a few years ago and it was a long distance relationship. It became a committed relationship for several months until I terminated the relationship for a reason that she knew was a 100% deal breaker for me.
It took several months but we have since evolved it into a FWB relationship with a few of the terms outlined below.

Totally honest and open communication ALL the time. No question is ever out of bounds and no judgements. This allows for some of the wildest and craziest sex explorations either of us have had in our lives.

If either of us become involved with someone else then the benefits part is suspended until further notice.
This permits us to actually make future travel plans as needed for different occasions without worrying about what if something starts working out with potential partners either of us are targeting.

There are a few other minor ground rules but they are all of this nature.

We both also acknowledge that there is NO way we could ever be in a committed relationship with each other again despite the fact that we both care a lot about the other. There are way to many differences in our core ways of thinking.

 

[TheHawk2]

Fwb

First and most important is both of you acknowledge and accept your differences.

I became involved with a long time (15+ year ) friend a few years ago and it was a long distance relationship. It became a committed relationship for several months until I terminated the relationship for a reason that she knew was a 100% deal breaker for me.
It took several months but we have since evolved it into a FWB relationship with a few of the terms outlined below.

Totally honest and open communication ALL the time. No question is ever out of bounds and no judgements. This allows for some of the wildest and craziest sex explorations either of us have had in our lives.

If either of us become involved with someone else then the benefits part is suspended until further notice.
This permits us to actually make future travel plans as needed for different occasions without worrying about what if something starts working out with potential partners either of us are targeting.

There are a few other minor ground rules but they are all of this nature.

We both also acknowledge that there is NO way we could ever be in a committed relationship with each other again despite the fact that we both care a lot about the other. There are way to many differences in our core ways of thinking.

Thanks Bob for sharing your experiences with FWB, that it is workable -- with some ground rules. Basically, our relationship embodies most of what you mentioned (openess, communciation, no question out of bounds, acceptance of personal differences and limits of relationship) so that should be a very positive thing.

The one you point out relative to breaking off FWB when necessary for either to pursue relationships with other persons or interests is a good one of course. Not just good, but key. I wouldn't see that as potentially problematic as there is enough, love, care and having the other's best interest at heart on going that neither would want to hold the other back in this area, thus the "benefit" portion of the friendship would naturally and "without prejudice" be off at this/these times.

As a matter of curiosity, you mentioned the switch to FWB was a few years ago -- how many times, if any, have you / she suspended FWB from then to now? How long did the suspensions last on average?

Thanks again -- Bob.

 

[bob53]

Thanks Bob for sharing your experiences with FWB, that it is workable -- with some ground rules. Basically, our relationship embodies most of what you mentioned (openess, communciation, no question out of bounds, acceptance of personal differences and limits of relationship) so that should be a very positive thing.

The one you point out relative to breaking off FWB when necessary for either to pursue relationships with other persons or interests is a good one of course. Not just good, but key. I wouldn't see that as potentially problematic as there is enough, love, care and having the other's best interest at heart on going that neither would want to hold the other back in this area, thus the "benefit" portion of the friendship would naturally and "without prejudice" be off at this/these times.

As a matter of curiosity, you mentioned the switch to FWB was a few years ago -- how many times, if any, have you / she suspended FWB from then to now? How long did the suspensions last on average?

Thanks again -- Bob.

There have been a few times for anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months.
It has been an interesting ride as she has serious issues with jealousy in all her past relationships. She is slowly understanding compersion and how jealousy is just a manifestation of insecurity of one nature or another. What is fun is she understands the concept and fully agrees but when put into real life situations her default modes of response come out.
Just being aware of and acknowledging that for both of us is vital to the friendship. She is doing much better now in that respect but it was REALLY interesting for the first year or so.

 

[TheHawk2]

F W B

There have been a few times for anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months.
It has been an interesting ride as she has serious issues with jealousy in all her past relationships. She is slowly understanding compersion and how jealousy is just a manifestation of insecurity of one nature or another. What is fun is she understands the concept and fully agrees but when put into real life situations her default modes of response come out.
Just being aware of and acknowledging that for both of us is vital to the friendship. She is doing much better now in that respect but it was REALLY interesting for the first year or so.

Thanks Bob, for the answers to my additional questions. Jealousy hasn't been an issue over the years on those occasions when one or the other of us was involved in a relationship with someone else.

However, I get what you are saying relative to human nature, conscious recognition of a concept and the practice of that concpet can be difficult to handle when it comes down to it. Jealousy being what it is, and although not an issue in our past could very well become a future one. I had thought of that, but thanks for the refresher thoughts.

 

[fgarvb1]

I never put a name to it but during the several times in my life I was "Not Married" I would (sometimes for several years) have one or more female friends that would drop by (always called first) when they needed some "TLC" that most of the time included sex.

They knew I was safe in every way. Many the time the phrase "I just like to spend time with you" and "I can be myself"would answer the question of what do you want with a no good rascal like me?

 

[brunette1989]

I'm not anywhere near 60 (I'm in my mid 24) but I have had a 'fuck buddy' before. It worked really really well in my case.
I think it would be harder to do friends with benefits because it makes it a lot more complicated.
However, in my experience the best things to do are set rules that you both agree on, such as when to have sex, who gets to decide, how long will the relationship go on for, what happens if one person starts dating someone, and make sure that neither of you have ANY romantic feelings toward each other.