frustration

[razzmatazz14]

I'm not sure if this is more of a 'How-To' or a 'General Forum' post, but everyone here seems to be so helpful.

Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old female in NY . I'm 5'9" and about a size 20. So, I guess I'm a big girl, but it's nothing that I've ever felt was to the extreme.

My issue:
I'm a virgin. Never had a serious boyfriend (though I have had some pretty close male friends online for several years). I'm so sick of this... everytime a guy comes up to me at a bar or something, I think it must be a joke between him and his friends (due to my weight). I just can't wrap my head around a guy finding me attractive, even though my friends say I'm pretty. Then again, they also say I'm one of the smartest people they've ever met (I'll already have my Masters degree from a prestigious university in May), fun, sweet, confident, outgoing, strong, independent, funny and 'so awesome.' I get along really well with people and have a lot of friends, even many who are guys. And even they seem to love me as a friend, but that is all... it's not at all like I don't meet new people all the time either.

I just can't get it out of my head, I'm sick of being by myself. So many both amazing and hard things have happened to me, and I just want that one person to share it with. I'm so sick of being the third or fifth wheel with my friends and their boyfriends.

When I was 16, I told myself to just wait it out. When I was 18, I thought for sure something would have to happen soon. When I turned 21, I knew for sure something would be right around the corner. Now I am nearly 24 and am no closer to having a serious boyfriend and/or losing my virginity (which I desperately want to do, but need someone who is comfortable waiting for a while until *I* am comfortable).


I'm at my wit's end. Help- what should I do?

 

[southernsky]

Go read "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. It is a really funny book, but also will help you develop your "relationship attitude" versus your "friend attitude". That's my best advice for now. Good luck

 

[gentjim26]

Let me give you an answer

I'm not sure if this is more of a 'How-To' or a 'General Forum' post, but everyone here seems to be so helpful.

Here's the deal: I'm a 23 year old female in NY . I'm 5'9" and about a size 20. So, I guess I'm a big girl, but it's nothing that I've ever felt was to the extreme.

My issue:
I'm a virgin. Never had a serious boyfriend (though I have had some pretty close male friends online for several years). I'm so sick of this... everytime a guy comes up to me at a bar or something, I think it must be a joke between him and his friends (due to my weight). I just can't wrap my head around a guy finding me attractive, even though my friends say I'm pretty. Then again, they also say I'm one of the smartest people they've ever met (I'll already have my Masters degree from a prestigious university in May), fun, sweet, confident, outgoing, strong, independent, funny and 'so awesome.' I get along really well with people and have a lot of friends, even many who are guys. And even they seem to love me as a friend, but that is all... it's not at all like I don't meet new people all the time either.

I just can't get it out of my head, I'm sick of being by myself. So many both amazing and hard things have happened to me, and I just want that one person to share it with. I'm so sick of being the third or fifth wheel with my friends and their boyfriends.

When I was 16, I told myself to just wait it out. When I was 18, I thought for sure something would have to happen soon. When I turned 21, I knew for sure something would be right around the corner. Now I am nearly 24 and am no closer to having a serious boyfriend and/or losing my virginity (which I desperately want to do, but need someone who is comfortable waiting for a while until *I* am comfortable).


I'm at my wit's end. Help- what should I do?

He the problems
1) First thing it is not you ,you are dealing with the male races
2) It has two heads enough blood for one
3) in a days time he think about sex a average 3 times an hour ,and does not count sleep
4)Men grow up slower it is a proven fact.

So you come from a good family with value and you just will not jump in to bed (that mean you think a lot of your self )
Size is a mirror and we do not look at mirror because you never see what you really want to see on you best day,you have never ,ever with a mirror and I have not myself .So this is a problem that does not count mbecause you will talk your way in or out of what ever you get into .
you will dress up for it ,that why they make clothes else..
Your friends are right they will see the real you ,unless your friends area peices of crap,which means you are ,because you pick them,but not the problem .
Now at 24 this seem like a real problem and you right so let look atit from a different direction maybe you need to move up 1 or 2 years in age range so the men can catchup with you or have a few drink and think it over . gentjim26@gmail.com

 

[NippleMuncher]

Razz, I feel your pain. I remained a virgin until I was nearly 21, (and I'm a guy ). Having a relationship has nothing to do with your size, but your mind.

Speaking for myself, I had self-confidence issues and the women that I hooked up with made it easy for me because they essentially made the first move. If you're self confident and are interested in someone, walk up to them and let them know. I've been approached by all kinds of women big and small, and it makes it much easier for me (someone who doesn't like to bother others, seem desperate, etc. ), to interact when I knew there is a mutual interest. I personally don't really care what's on the outside, it's the inside, the person themself, that I'm interested in.

Aside from finding Mr. Right, if you enjoy going out, look for singles bars that cater to the larger individual, I know of several here in my town that do. As a matter of fact, there was a thing on the news not long ago about a bar where larger women congregated, and there was no lack of men, most of which were not large, whom preferred larger women.

Then there is the old standard advice of "do what you enjoy and they will come", meaning, don't be looking for a relationship, just be yourself, get out and active in the activities you enjoy, and you'll start meeting similarly minded people and contacts, ultimately, you'll find someone compatible with you and with whom you'd enjoy a more personal relationship with.

On the point of being a virgin and finding someone who'll wait until you're ready, that also is more towards your mind set. Finding a compatible person is more than just going out and getting laid. You need to respect yourself to be able to respect others and have that respect returned. If others aren't respectful of your needs (to wait, go slow, get to know you first, etc. ), then they are not worthy of your attentions.

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

Nipplemuncher has some great advice. Be confident in yourself. Don't act desperate. Go out & do activities you like. You'll have fun & just may meet someone who shares similar interests.

I wear a size 6 dress, but I have a lot of friends who wear sizes near yours. Almost all of them have been in great relationships for years. My friends tell me I'm nice, pretty, and have a great body. But I've dated one guy in my life - and that lasted for about 2 1/2 months. Size doesn't seem to mean a thing to the average person. Not from my experience.

I know it's frustrating being a third wheel all the time. That's really all I've ever been either. And one gets heartily sick of it. I'm 33. Believe me. I KNOW. But I also believe it's totally worthwhile waiting for the right guy. Especially to lose your virginity to. Don't settle. I did. And I've regretted it ever since.

Best of luck. If I can offer any other advice, let me know.

 

[M's girl]

I'm going to give you some 'old woman's' advice here....

When you are truly waiting for something it seems like ages before it arrives. I know because I'm 43 and it still happens to me sometimes even though I should know better and have learned to be patient....

You are 24. Sure, a lot of people are in serious relationships by then and have had one or more sexpartners. And then there are a lot of them who are like you for whatever reason. Having had sex does not make you a better person than you are already.

Most important is that you know that you count, that you have confidence and wit, that you are an intelligent woman. Now you know, you can start telling and showing it to the rest of the world. Only the man who recognizes the wonderful woman that you are deserves your love (and sex, hehe).

 

[Darkknight2010]

I'm going to give you some 'old woman's' advice here....

When you are truly waiting for something it seems like ages before it arrives. I know because I'm 43 and it still happens to me sometimes even though I should know better and have learned to be patient....

You are 24. Sure, a lot of people are in serious relationships by then and have had one or more sexpartners. And then there are a lot of them who are like you for whatever reason. Having had sex does not make you a better person than you are already.

Most important is that you know that you count, that you have confidence and wit, that you are an intelligent woman. Now you know, you can start telling and showing it to the rest of the world. Only the man who recognizes the wonderful woman that you are deserves your love (and sex, hehe).

Ok, not quite as old, but M's right.

To be blunt, people in their 20's still live in the silly fantasy land of 'I"m gonna meet the perfect person, we're gonna have genetically perfect children in this massive mansion and live happily ever after with someone who looks, talks, and acts perfect.' To be blunt the silly, immature day-dreams we carry still linger for a looooooooooooooooooooooogn freaking time. (Yes, I'm being blunt, probably kinda mean, but no holding back here folks.) I know, it's a looooooooooooooong wait, and I remember someone in college giving me the same speech and I wanted to punch them.

It's true though. Sigh. When you get OLDER, past 30, you finally get your head outta your butt and realize;

1. Perfection doesn't happen.
2. I'm not perfect so what kinda asshole am I to demand that from someone else.
3. Ya know, the really interesting people aren't the ones who look like they're size 1/2 and only eat watercress.
4. Brains are veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery sexy.

What helps is also putting yourself in the right venue. It's become the new 'in place' to meet people at book stores, museums, and the like. On the other hand, people there are looking for someone who can speak articulately, not just someone who makes good eye candy. (Although that certainly doesn't hurt. Gotta be realistic here sweetie. Sorry. )

You also might start seeing if you can hang with an older crowd. I don't mean hanging with the 60 year-olds, but move away from the trendy dance clubs, maybe hit a blues joint, may be hit a arts festival. If you can get to a Rennaisance Fair, bonus!

I guess the key thing is don't despair. I know, easy for me to say since I'm a guy. Seriously, please don't. I'm not gonna promise you you'll meet Prince Charming any time soon. Remember, realistic.

HOWEVER, there are people who are looking for someone like you. It's NOT easy honey, and it's gonna hurt as you wade through more... and more... and more people. That's the nature of finding a partner who means something to you rather then someone you can just fuck. In the end it's about opening yourself to someone because you want to share something very special and precious... and that takes a LOT of RISK. (As the cliche goes if you can't stand the heat get outta the kitchen.)

Is meeting someone special worth all this hassle, heartache, blah, blah, blah? Yep. (Yeah, I'm a mass of contradictions. I'm a blunt realist but also a hopeless romantic. Go figure. LOL!) Just try sweetie... try, experience, interact... main thing is don't become a hermit and quit... frankly that's the easy part. As you know nothing in life is easy.

Good luck milady.

 

[N0madS0uL]

Load the shotgun.

This is my first ever post here and I felt compelled to say this....

Been 3 months since my girlfriend and I went our seperate ways. I even moved to a different country and took up a job that'd consume a lot of time every weekday. I'm just as old as you are (23) so my advice would be of no consequence to some but the best thing for you to do is move on. You'll eventually find someone and everyone does. If people don't like you for what you are, then do you really need someone like that in your life?

 

[razzmatazz14]

This is my first ever post here and I felt compelled to say this....

Been 3 months since my girlfriend and I went our seperate ways. I even moved to a different country and took up a job that'd consume a lot of time every weekday. I'm just as old as you are (23) so my advice would be of no consequence to some but the best thing for you to do is move on. You'll eventually find someone and everyone does. If people don't like you for what you are, then do you really need someone like that in your life?

Wow, your first post and it's in reply to something I said? now that's special, hehehe

And that's what i keep trying to tell myself...

 

[boston_bbw]

Razzmatazz14 I could have written your post. Plus size as well and a virgin. Think a little too much of myself to jump in bed with just anyone. In fact if they arn't long term relationship material I wont. And yep am much older then you. I havn't given up just yet although getting close..lol I feel your frustration but at 24 there is no rush just yet.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Holy Shit, Girl. Wake up. There are a whole lot of guys out there who like big girls. Just go for it. If they wanna pass on you, it's their loss.

Trust me, guys don't screw chubby women for either a joke or a bet. Their egos can't stand that.

 

[razzmatazz14]

Holy Shit, Girl. Wake up. There are a whole lot of guys out there who like big girls. Just go for it. If they wanna pass on you, it's their loss.

Trust me, guys don't screw chubby women for either a joke or a bet. Their egos can't stand that.

good point everyone here has helped so much!

 

[lik_m_ade]

good point everyone here has helped so much!

Hi,

I've meant to throw a couple of ideas in, but every time I've started to write something keeps demanding my attention. But I'll jot things down and then post before that can happen again.

I'd have to agree with most of what's been said here and add a couple of points.

First make sure you are attractive. Size has nothing to do with it, and neither does a specific look in most cases. usually it is confidence and the sense that you appreciate what is special about your appearance.

I was meeting someone at Starbucks a week ago and there was one woman there I'd estimate at a size 24. She had the attention of *every* man in there (to the consternation of the women they were with) because she'd worn a gorgeous set of silver earrings, a silver hair accessory and her hair was immaculate and it shone. Everything drew attention to her face (creamy skin and lovely smile) and her hair. I enjoyed her figure as well, although I realize that not every man does. But what attracted them was her recognition that her face and hair were one of her best features and that she was making them look great because she felt attractive!

It's the same when a woman selects a pair of jeans that flatter her bottom. Men enjoy the view and don't stop to think about the size. It's knowing that she knows she is attractive and likes to do whatever makes her feel more attractive.

It's a turn on because a man knows that if they were to go out together he'll be able to compliment her or caress her without causing her to flinch or feel uncomfortable. And a big part of intimacy hinges on that sense of comfort.

Having said that, I'd temper it a bit with the simple suggestion that you don't make major changes to your appearance/how you act when you go out. Some women feel they have to look/act a certain way when trying to attract a man, but if you are attracting friends and compliments already, then the "you" that is going out is one that people like. Keep it up, and let people know you are interested in meeting someone, you never know who they might be able to introduce you to.

So that's my contribution. Good luck and continue to show the same good sense and intelligence that you've shown in your posts as you continue your search.

Cheers!

 

[StarlitLillith]

I'm a "bigger girl" too. Who cares? If they pass up on you it's their loss. Don't worry about what these jerk-asses think...if they're that shallow then they're shallow and probably not worth the fuck anyway.

 

[human_male]

I can't imagine what the problem is, same with boston_bbw. Don't for an instant think it's because you're big. May I direct you to the Hot Rotund Babes picture post on this very site. And if guys are approaching you then that's good... why not give them a chance? Ok bars might not be the best place to meet someone you want a serious relationship with. My advice would be if you you see someone you like then just make an effort and go talk to them. There might be plenty of people who'd want you but you'd never know because they don't know if you want them or not. Someone has to make a move and why not you?

Just as an example of that... I thought this person at work was quite nice, but there's no way I would have bothered trying to get to know her because I'd just assume she wouldn't like me. But she made the effort to say hello to me, in a really friendly way, every time she saw me. So after a while I introduced myself, and some time after that I asked her out for coffee and she said yes. It didn't go anywhere because it turned out she was new in town and just waiting for her bf to move up to be with her and she was lonely and needed a distraction. But the point here is I wouldn't have even talked to her if she hadn't had been so friendly to me. That's what you need to do. And if you have a friend that you want to take things further with then steer it in that direction. Ask him out for a candle light dinner or something. He's bound to get the message.

I can truly sypathise with you. I'm in the same boat and I'm thirty-six. There are young ladies at work that occasionally show interest in me (one even patted me on the shoulder and said I was a spunk) and I assume they're just playing a joke on me or something because what could they possibly see in me? I'm trying to break that thinking pattern with some success, but it's hard when it seems to happen so naturally to everyone but you and you seem to have nothing but the most amazingly rotten luck.

And just as others have said (if this is the case) if you wait for the perfect person to come along you're going to be waiting for the rest of your life.

If that's all off the mark then I can at least offer my sympathies. Best of luck.