From cyber into R/L

[SexySusan]

Recently, I saw a report on tv about internet flirting and all of those web single agencies.
Much to my surprise, they advised to meet the other person as soon as possible. Their reasons totally made sense to me, so I'm now converted from"taking it slow, getting to know each other really well first" to "let's meet!". The first date, of course, should be an evening in a public place, not a weekend at his house.
Here are the reasons:
1.) There is less risk of being set up. One will see immediately if the other person really looks like s/he claims s/he looks.
2.) There are less feelings involved, and therefore it will be easier to part if it doesn't "click".
3.) The anticipations haven't had time to built up too high yet. Obviously many of us (including me, to tell the truth) get unrealistically high expectations. It is far easier to "idealize" a partner one doesn't have to see ... e.g. picking his nose.

As I take it, a lot of BDSM interested people meet via the net.
Do the above mentioned reasons make sense to you? Or do you prefer to engage in some serious chatting and email exchange before you consider meeting in person? If so, why?

Opinions, please.

Curiously, Sue

 

[A Desert Rose]

Good points

especially for an extroverted person. However, for those who are more introverted, shy, I think developing a friendship might be neccessary.

I think that I am more introverted than I actually apear to people. Therefore RL meetings are difficult for me. Those who I have meet in RL, from the internet, were people I had known for well over a year online. By that time, I was very comfortable in our encounters. Those people knew me, knew what I looked like and I knew the same about them. The expectations were met early on.

There are some very valid points though, in your post and I think for some people, there is good advice to be gleened from it.

Rose

 

[Shadowsdream]

SexySusan

Yes and No...
Now isn't that as clear as mud?

Yes I think a meeting should be done as soon as possible IF you both say you are looking for the same things and you feel a mutual attraction due to something OTHER than sexual tension.

Yes I think you should encourage a fast meeting IF you think someone may be just doing the talk and wasting your time. They will run like hell or start to find one excuse after another to postpone postpone postpone if they have no intention of taking it off line (married or?)

Yes if it is convenient, possible and desirable to begin a relationship based on mutual needs and you are not searching in desperation nor choosing out of excitement.

No if the meeting is going to cost you a fortune.
No if you have a gut feeling that is negative.
No if you have to rearrange your schedule in such a way that it becomes a burden.

Why a fast meeting? As stated it saves later heartaches if you tend to lead with your heart.
It gets rid of the players immediately.
One that may sound like your perfect match with the typed word or the sexy telephone voice can turn your stomache in real life or you theirs.

etc etc etc...

Of course I just know I will be back to elaborate once I think a little more about this.

BUT having said all of this....once the meeting has taken place...I FIRMLY believe if you decide to begin a BDSM relationship it should be done in baby steps...as much in real time as possible.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have seen that too. However, the key is as soon as possible.
I do not carry on cyber relationships very often. I take things slowly, but I do insist on a face to face ASAP.

My first meetings are always in public places, usually restaurants and coffee shops. I can meet a sub in a hotel, if I have chatted with them for a while.

I am the Domme, aso I am the one who chooses the time and/or place. I find that works well for male submissives.
I also am the one that chooses when play will commence.

I have a procedure for meeting new subs, in that I require homework and the BDSM Checklist. I use the checklist to determine what the first meeting (after the initial munch type meeting) for play will involve.

For example, I do not use physical bondage for first plays.

Ebony

Recently, I saw a report on tv about internet flirting and all of those web single agencies.
Much to my surprise, they advised to meet the other person as soon as possible. Their reasons totally made sense to me, so I'm now converted from"taking it slow, getting to know each other really well first" to "let's meet!". The first date, of course, should be an evening in a public place, not a weekend at his house.
Here are the reasons:
1.) There is less risk of being set up. One will see immediately if the other person really looks like s/he claims s/he looks.
2.) There are less feelings involved, and therefore it will be easier to part if it doesn't "click".
3.) The anticipations haven't had time to built up too high yet. Obviously many of us (including me, to tell the truth) get unrealistically high expectations. It is far easier to "idealize" a partner one doesn't have to see ... e.g. picking his nose.

As I take it, a lot of BDSM interested people meet via the net.
Do the above mentioned reasons make sense to you? Or do you prefer to engage in some serious chatting and email exchange before you consider meeting in person? If so, why?

Opinions, please.

Curiously, Sue

 

[Ebonyfire]

SexySusan

Yes and No...
Now isn't that as clear as mud?

Yes I think a meeting should be done as soon as possible IF you both say you are looking for the same things and you feel a mutual attraction due to something OTHER than sexual tension.

Yes I think you should encourage a fast meeting IF you think someone may be just doing the talk and wasting your time. They will run like hell or start to find one excuse after another to postpone postpone postpone if they have no intention of taking it off line (married or?)

Yes if it is convenient, possible and desirable to begin a relationship based on mutual needs and you are not searching in desperation nor choosing out of excitement.

No if the meeting is going to cost you a fortune.
No if you have a gut feeling that is negative.
No if you have to rearrange your schedule in such a way that it becomes a burden.

Why a fast meeting? As stated it saves later heartaches if you tend to lead with your heart.
It gets rid of the players immediately.
One that may sound like your perfect match with the typed word or the sexy telephone voice can turn your stomache in real life or you theirs.

etc etc etc...

Of course I just know I will be back to elaborate once I think a little more about this.

BUT having said all of this....once the meeting has taken place...I FIRMLY believe if you decide to begin a BDSM relationship it should be done in baby steps...as much in real time as possible.

Ditto!

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Cost Effective

RL meetings do need to be cost effective and safe.

cost effective - it is usually the (male) sub who does most of the travelling to see me. I like this cause it shows clear intent.

Do not go out of town to meet someone you do not know very well, unless you have a systematic safe call network.

Safe - Dommes have been known to be beaten by so called male subs who were just after some thrills. I personally know one who was almost killed.

I also know a male sub who has whipped bloody and left in a room, and somehow got himself loose and ran like hell.

We have read threads about what has happened to some of the female subs at the hands of unscrupulous Dom/mes.

Eb

 

[SexySusan]

Re: Cost Effective

RL meetings do need to be cost effective and safe.

cost effective - it is usually the (male) sub who does most of the travelling to see me. I like this cause it shows clear intent.

Do not go out of town to meet someone you do not know very well, unless you have a systematic safe call network.

Safe - Dommes have been known to be beaten by so called male subs who were just after some thrills. I personally know one who was almost killed.

I also know a male sub who has whipped bloody and left in a room, and somehow got himself loose and ran like hell.

We have read threads about what has happened to some of the female subs at the hands of unscrupulous Dom/mes.

Eb

Good points, Eb, I totally agree.

Meeting in a public place is a must, imo.

And I since I live in a country where you can meet just about anyone for less than 90 bucks, no matter where s/he lives, I keep forgetting that money/distance is also an issue ... thanx for pointing it out.

Shadowsdream: very eloquent, well thought, as always. Thank you for the great input. "Clear as mud" - I have to remember that one! ~clm~

~waves at ADR~ "Hi there! Thanks for contributing!"

 

[Dr. B Evil]

Ebony...

...you should write a book!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Ebony...

...you should write a book!

Thanks, but I think MzC and Shadowsdream should write the book. I am learning at their feet, lol.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

Well,

...at least write the preface!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Well,

...at least write the preface!

Now that I would be honored to do!

Eb

 

[Dr. B Evil]

This is...

...going to be a graphic novel, correct?

 

[P. B. Walker]

I thinks you all should write a book... one big collaboration.

PBW "Please let it have pictures in it"

 

[artful]

Sis

Thanks, but I think MzC and Shadowsdream should write the book. I am learning at their feet, lol.

So,...here I am,...in the froggie position,...Sis is straddling my back,...MsC and MsW each have their feet propped on my right and left shoulders,
while Shadows has her feet nestled atop my head.

How in the hell am I supposed to take notes?
*shrugs*,...Such is life!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Sis

So,...here I am,...in the froggie position,...Sis is straddling my back,...MsC and MsW each have their feet propped on my right and left shoulders,
while Shadows has her feet nestled atop my head.

How in the hell am I supposed to take notes?
*shrugs*,...Such is life!

Dream is taking dictation!

Eb

 

[~Dream~]

Hmmm wonder where I fit in here?

SIS EB,MsC,AND Shadows,Msw seem to have it all under control tho...

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: Sis

Dream is taking dictation!

Eb

my Sis knows me well!! lol

 

[SexyChele]

There has been only one cyber relationship that I am involved in that has gone on for over a year and have not yet met the person face to face, for financial reasons. If he were to call tomorrow and ask me to meet him anywhere in the US, I'd be there - I trust him completely. We have had many ups and downs, arguments, misunderstandings, and touching moments. He has become one of my closest friends. But he is the exception.

Any other men that I meet online, if things seem to fall into place, I want to meet fairly quickly. Why? Online, even the phone, you can be whoever you want to be. In person, you pick up more clues, and people reveal more about who they really are.

Also, the emotional investment has yet to be made. If I meet him at a coffee house or restaurant, and things don't work as well in person as they did online, we can walk away with having expended minimal effort.

I'm always suspicious of men who come up with a thousand and one different reasons why they can't meet right now. Usually means they have something to hide. Although, there can be exceptions, as I noted in my opening paragraph.

 

[cymbidia]

I'm a huge fan of finding a possible good match online (sooooooo much easier then in the old days before the net!) and then moving to meet in a face-to-face situation very quickly.

I don't want to waste time on endless hours of email back-and-forth. I don't want to chat online; i detest online chatting.

I want to know if there's chemistry. I want to know if i can look in his eyes and see some character and steady ability looking back at me. I want to hear his voice and see his face as he says the forbidden words of our kind of loving, see if he says them with the ease of years of familiarity or if he criges or if he looks dazed, like it's all a big fantasy.

I want to begin to know his reality right out the gate, to be able to tell with all my senses if he's trustworthy, and more importantly, if he's the kind of whip-wielder, ass-plug-inserter, flogging adept that i require from my dominant. I can't handle pretenders or liars or wannabe's and the only way to weed them is to look into his eyes while he's talking and begin to get the flavor of his reality.

People get hurt doing what we do; you gotta take steps to minimize your potential for that. In my mind, the more i know about him, about his soul and his real, hidden-from-the-world needs, the easier it is for me to arrive at a decision as to whether i'm going to be safe with him - naked, bound, gagged, toys of sensation in his hands.

I don't do online anyway, not for years. In my searches for potential dominants, i'm very careful to begin contact only with those who live a tolerable distance from my house. I don't want anyone who wants to stay online after the first couple of emails, quite frankly. If they want a cyber sub, i'm definitely not thier gal.

I've got a lot of years of experience in this, plenty (most of the time) to weed the loser dommie-wannabe's from the real dominants. Most don't have that. So here are my rules, the things i still do, religiously, when i'm going to meet someone new-to-me:
1. Always meet in public the first time you meet. (Or at the home of a mutual friend. Or at a play party. Or anyplace where there are extra people. You get the drift - i know you do.)

2. Never play the first time (unlss it's a public/private play party, maybe and other people there know them). Go home and maturbate with each other on the phone if you must (and that can be fun!) but don't go into a hotel room or back to his house the very first time you meet him. If possible try to not be alone with him at all during that first meeting. (In other words, don't meet him at Denney's then get into his car to drive to the nice restaurant where you'll have dinner. Stupid move, honey pie, stupid move. What if he's a bad guy? You think the bad guys go round with "I'm a Bad Guy" signs round thier necks?)

3. Never allow yourself to be gagged or bound the first time you *do* play. Never. This is a hard and fast rule for me, still, 30 years into this.

4. Get fucking references! Everyone knows other people who do this - if they do this within the arms of thier local community. Check them out with other people you know. Ask around. Find out if their last relationship broke up cuz she had a long hospital stay.

5. Unfortunately, you can get driver's license numbers all day long and if you're meeting a bad guy, that won't help UNLESS you have a safe call set up in advance. USE SAFE CALLS - even for public 1st time meetings. (Ask Risia how many safe calls she's made for me. Muff, too. No one should be mind you setting these up in advance - and your prospective dominant should actually be pleased that you're taking such good care of yourself.)

What else...
There must be more...

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm a huge fan of finding a possible good match online (sooooooo much easier then in the old days before the net!) and then moving to meet in a face-to-face situation very quickly.

I don't want to waste time on endless hours of email back-and-forth. I don't want to chat online; i detest online chatting.

I want to know if there's chemistry. I want to know if i can look in his eyes and see some character and steady ability looking back at me. I want to hear his voice and see his face as he says the forbidden words of our kind of loving, see if he says them with the ease of years of familiarity or if he criges or if he looks dazed, like it's all a big fantasy.

I want to begin to know his reality right out the gate, to be able to tell with all my senses if he's trustworthy, and more importantly, if he's the kind of whip-wielder, ass-plug-inserter, flogging adept that i require from my dominant. I can't handle newbies or liars or wannabe's and the only way to weed them is to look into his eyes while he's talking and begin to get the flavor of his reality.

People get hurt doing what we do; you gotta take steps to minimize your potential for that. In my mind, the morei know about him, about his soul and his real, hidden-from-most needs, the easier it is for me to arrive at a decision as to whether i'm going to be safe with him - naked, bound, gagged, toys of sensation in his hands.

I don't do online anyway, not for years. In my searches for potential dominants, i'm very careful to only allow any real contact with those wholive a tolerable distance from my house. I don't want anyone who wants to stay online after athe first couple of emails back and forth, quite frankly. If they want a cyber sub, i'm not thier gal.

I've got the many years of experience it takes to be able to weed the loser dommie-wannabe's from the real dominants. Most don't have that. To them i say: do these things. I still do.
1. Always meet in public the first time you meet.

2. Never play the first time. Go home and maturbate with each other on the phone if you must (and that can be fun!) but don't go into a hotel room or back to his house the very first time you meet him. If possible try to not be alone with him at all during that first meeting. (In other words, don't meet him at Denney;s then get into his car to drive to the nice restaurant where you'll have dinner. Stupid move, honey pie, stupid move. What if he's a bad guy? You think the bad guys go round with "I'm a Bag Guy" signs round thier necks?)

3. Never allow yourself to be gagged or bound the first time you *do* play. Never. This is a hard and fast rule for me, still, 30 years into this.

4. Get fucking references! Everyone knows other people who do this - if they do this within the arms of thier local community. Check them out with other people you know. Ask around. Find out if their last relationship broke up cuz she had a long hospital stay.

5. Unfortunately, you can get driver's license numbers all day long and if you're meeting a bad guy, that won't help UNLESS you have a safe call set up in advance. USE SAFE CALLS - even for public 1st time meetings. (Ask Risia how many safe calls she's made for me. Muff, too. No one should be mind you setting these up in advance - and your prospective dominant should actually be pleased that you're taking such good care of yourself.)

What else...
There must be more...

I think you hit the highlights!

Eb

 

[snoozebutton]

If I may add one thing, make sure you make your intentions clear. I must say it's a lot easier when you know your just meeting to get to know someone. And it helps to judge someone early as to their seriousness and ability to be truthful to you.

 

[~Dream~]

Definately agree with you

If I may add one thing, make sure you make your intentions clear. I must say it's a lot easier when you know your just meeting to get to know someone. And it helps to judge someone early as to their seriousness and ability to be truthful to you.

people should be taken seriously onlinne as well as off,If I say I Know i'm submissive,I can feel it inevery core of my being,,I dont feel that anyone has the'right" to judge others but I TAKE PEOPLE SERIOUSLY and expect to be taken seriously

 

[A Desert Rose]

What else...
There must be more...

~~~~~~~All wonderful points, Cym. And an excellent guideline for those who will be meeting face to face.

One another note, I do enjoy online chatting with the right man. It can be charming and enjoyable and very seductive, for me at least. But that is just my opinion.

Rose

 

[Guest]

Bumped because I think this is a relevant topic for many.

 

[serijules]

Here are the reasons:
1.) There is less risk of being set up. One will see immediately if the other person really looks like s/he claims s/he looks.
2.) There are less feelings involved, and therefore it will be easier to part if it doesn't "click".
3.) The anticipations haven't had time to built up too high yet. Obviously many of us (including me, to tell the truth) get unrealistically high expectations. It is far easier to "idealize" a partner one doesn't have to see ... e.g. picking his nose.

As I take it, a lot of BDSM interested people meet via the net.
Do the above mentioned reasons make sense to you? Or do you prefer to engage in some serious chatting and email exchange before you consider meeting in person? If so, why?

Opinions, please.

I've met over 40 people from online over the last 2 years, some in private and some at parties. Those reasons make perfect sense to me, however, the 'old' ways still holds avantages. I like spending a lot of time getting to know someone online, chatting, emailing whatever. Learning all the little nuisiances about one another that don't really come up in casual conversations but for some reason we are compelled to share online. However, for me, it is because with my hearing impairment, it is just simply easier to get to know someone online. I find myself viewing online relationships less and less appealing as I meet more and more people in person, but I do love the ease of communication it offers me and that will always be vital for me.

This is my hearing world, it's such a thrill to be able to just talk and talk and talk with someone or with many someones at once and not have to worry about headaches from lipreading, misunderstood questions, etc. (them:"What do you look for in another?" me: "Yes, I have a one brother.") On the other hand, I have met many people that I devoted endless hours and energy to online and we just did not click in person at all. I'm much less shy around someone that I've talked to for awhile too...I really am quite shy.