From a new user

[ubertroll]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99556

Well, that's my first submission... I'm just curious but earlier today, the number of votes on it went from 15 to 14... what's up with that?

Vote, people! I command you, sniveling masses! Vote! Vote! Bwahahahaha!

Oh, just for the record--that kitten of Laurel's is just about the most adorable thing I've seen in months. Other than my kitty-cats.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

(There's a website called ratemykitten that you might like.)

Now, to the story. Quite good. The sex itself is rather mechanical - too much of what they did and not enough of how they felt. Other than that, the characterization and plot and language are all very good.

I have one little quibble about language, which is that there's not enough variety of sentence form. I'm a big fan of long, complex sentences and you do them skilfully. Trouble is, that's all you do. They pall if they're not balanced by simpler ones. One more egregious than the rest was this:

Using the grace given her by five years of ballet in her childhood, and the two of Tae Kwon Do since her arrival in the nirvana of higher education, Sarah seemlessly stepped out of the bikini bottoms, the same dandelion yellow as the top, as she took the last two steps to the linoleum doorway of the shower room.

The qualifiers in front of the simple main clause 'Sarah seamlessly stepped out of the bikini bottoms' are a bit too heavy and should perhaps be moved to after it. However, after it already are an adjectival phrase and a long temporal clause. The action described can't quite hold all this weight.

 

[ubertroll]

Well whaddya want from me? I'm hardly female, and I've hardly participated in a 3-way. ;-)

And about my misspelling of seamlessly... my spellcheck says it's fine. I suppose it is a valid alternate spelling, although its etymology in the noun 'seam' rather than the verb 'seem' would suggest that it's an alternate spelling due to American laziness, rather than linguistic logic :-D.

And I like long, complex sentences, perhaps because most of my writing consists of me ranting on history and current events :-D. I've generally found that people cut you off less frequently in mid-sentence, so I spend much of my time trying to cram, for instance, fifty-five years of Israeli history into one breath :-D. Hehehehe... perhaps some revision.

Seriously, though, I suppose that my prediliction [okay, I KNOW I misspelled that one lol] for long sentences stems from the fact that transitions and breaks make me paranoid. I'm always convinced that pauses are ackward, and that any cessation of action--either in the story, or in the writing--is conspicuous. I need a chill pill lol :-D

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I think most of the best writers here would be shocked, disgusted, and driven to fury by the idea that they had to do all those things before being able to write about them. They're writers.

Long, complex sentences are good, at least they are when they're correctly organized; and yours are. But there has to be a mixture. You might not need to breathe but readers do.

'Seemless' seems to be a Spenserian word for 'unseemly, indecorous'. Unrelated to the one you want. I highlighted that one only because I had to quote it; I don't normally pick up on typos if they're few enough not to affect the reading.

 

[Chicklet]

On Voting...

Votes go down sometimes when people have made double-votes. Laurel has a way to tell, dontchaknow, and deletes duplicates. All the better for playing fair = )

Chicklet

 

[ubertroll]

Re: On Voting...

Votes go down sometimes when people have made double-votes. Laurel has a way to tell, dontchaknow, and deletes duplicates. All the better for playing fair = )

Chicklet

Lol nice to know I have a fan.