SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Posts
- 13,442
I'm having an internal conflict regarding a friend, and am hoping y'all can give me some things to consider in hopes of resolving it.
I met Jan a few years ago in a mom's group, and we clicked immediately. We're both very similar cognitively and emotionally, but our social styles are different. Jan's an extrovert and social butterfly with tons of friends (and she seems to always be seeking more); I'm more introverted and prefer to spend more time and develop deeper bonds with the fewer people I truly connect with.
When we manage to get together, it's great, we (us and our kids) all get along well and have a fantastic time. My issue is that we rarely manage to spend time together, or even talk on the phone, because Jan's almost always busy. And I feel unimportant, like I'm the person she calls after she's scheduled everything else. I have to book stuff like 3 weeks in advance with her, and by the time the date comes around, illness and/or her overbooking her schedule frequently results in cancelling. For instance, a couple of times she's called me the day before and asked for a raincheck because she's been so busy that she hasn't had time to do what she needs to or take a breather. And that's often happened after we've already rescheduled once or many times because our kids are sick or whatever. I talked to her on the phone last week after not talking all summer. I even waited an extra month after she said her life would calm down to contact her. We had a great conversation, but she hasn't made an effort to schedule something like she said before we hung up. Maybe it's just me, but I try to prioritize dates with people I haven't seen for awhile. Then again, maybe Jan has so many friends that she IS doing that, and my turn hasn't come up yet. It's crazy, but that's what it feels like to me.
I know she has some issues with depression/anxiety and possibly ADD, and she's going through some major life changes, so I try to be extra understanding and accommodating. I also know she self-identifies as a "people pleaser" and has been trying to work on that in therapy. But now it's kind of built up to the point where I feel like I'm always accommodating her schedule/needs and my feelings are hurt because she's clearly managing to get together with other friends. In another situation, I'd figure the person didn't put enough stock in our friendship to continue it, and I'd let them go (at least until they demonstrated otherwise), but I have a feeling that's not the case here. I suspect she's somewhat "addicted" to friendships (or maybe it's collecting friends) and a lot of people in her life might feel the same way I do.
So I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty confident she'd be receptive to hearing how I feel, and she'd want to know if this could be an issue for multiple people in her life, but I'm also confident she'd feel really bad. And that would be a conversation we'd have to have either on the phone (I'd rather not, at all) or IF we ever manage to get together without our kids.
Or should I just let it go with the understanding that our styles are incompatible? The thing with that is I'm probably not going to make much of an effort to see her if I feel like a "back burner" friend and our friendship will likely fall by the wayside.
Thoughts?
I met Jan a few years ago in a mom's group, and we clicked immediately. We're both very similar cognitively and emotionally, but our social styles are different. Jan's an extrovert and social butterfly with tons of friends (and she seems to always be seeking more); I'm more introverted and prefer to spend more time and develop deeper bonds with the fewer people I truly connect with.
When we manage to get together, it's great, we (us and our kids) all get along well and have a fantastic time. My issue is that we rarely manage to spend time together, or even talk on the phone, because Jan's almost always busy. And I feel unimportant, like I'm the person she calls after she's scheduled everything else. I have to book stuff like 3 weeks in advance with her, and by the time the date comes around, illness and/or her overbooking her schedule frequently results in cancelling. For instance, a couple of times she's called me the day before and asked for a raincheck because she's been so busy that she hasn't had time to do what she needs to or take a breather. And that's often happened after we've already rescheduled once or many times because our kids are sick or whatever. I talked to her on the phone last week after not talking all summer. I even waited an extra month after she said her life would calm down to contact her. We had a great conversation, but she hasn't made an effort to schedule something like she said before we hung up. Maybe it's just me, but I try to prioritize dates with people I haven't seen for awhile. Then again, maybe Jan has so many friends that she IS doing that, and my turn hasn't come up yet. It's crazy, but that's what it feels like to me.
I know she has some issues with depression/anxiety and possibly ADD, and she's going through some major life changes, so I try to be extra understanding and accommodating. I also know she self-identifies as a "people pleaser" and has been trying to work on that in therapy. But now it's kind of built up to the point where I feel like I'm always accommodating her schedule/needs and my feelings are hurt because she's clearly managing to get together with other friends. In another situation, I'd figure the person didn't put enough stock in our friendship to continue it, and I'd let them go (at least until they demonstrated otherwise), but I have a feeling that's not the case here. I suspect she's somewhat "addicted" to friendships (or maybe it's collecting friends) and a lot of people in her life might feel the same way I do.
So I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty confident she'd be receptive to hearing how I feel, and she'd want to know if this could be an issue for multiple people in her life, but I'm also confident she'd feel really bad. And that would be a conversation we'd have to have either on the phone (I'd rather not, at all) or IF we ever manage to get together without our kids.
Or should I just let it go with the understanding that our styles are incompatible? The thing with that is I'm probably not going to make much of an effort to see her if I feel like a "back burner" friend and our friendship will likely fall by the wayside.
Thoughts?