Frequently Asked Questions

[FungiUg]

In my few years of experimenting with BDSM, I often find myself being asked the same questions over and over. So here are the ones that spring to mind. Other people, please feel free to add your own frequently asked questions, and to discuss the answers.

 

[FungiUg]

Do I have to submit to everyone?

No. Definately not.

Being submissives gives you the urge to submit, to fulfil who you are. But you still get to choose who you offer that submission to.

Some people are inappropriate choices, and some people are actually dangerous when offered your submission. So you do need to engage your brain and heart and actively choose to whom you will submit.

You may also find that you only submit in a particular environment or under certain circumstances. Submission in the bedroom is a common example. That's fine. There are no rules or requirements on when you must submit -- you need to choose what works for you.

 

[FungiUg]

Do I need to call all Dom/mes "Sir" or "Ma'am"?

It's up to you. Some Dom/mes will insist on it (they feel it is "respectful" of their status) -- if you wish to remain friendly with those individuals, you may need to comply with their wishes. In general, who you call "Sir" or "Ma'am" or any other title is up to you.

If you get a kick out of using titles when you address Dom/mes, then by all means use them. In some cases, you may be asked not to. (For example, I don't like being called "Sir" by anyone to whom I haven't specifically granted that privelege.)

On the other hand, if you meet someone who has been awarded an OBE or some form of Knighthood, it's best to call that person "Sir".

 

[FungiUg]

Do I owe a Dom/me my respect because they are a Dom/me?

Well, why would you?

Respectand trust are earned. Sure, we offer a certain amount of respect and trust to people we initially meet. But to grow our respect, they must show they are worthy of our respect.

Being a Dom/me doesn't make someone super-human. They are not automatically trustworthy. In fact, some Dom/mes are downright dodgy. We are people, and like other people, we have faults.

 

[FungiUg]

What is a PYL?

When you (like me) have gotten over pissing yourself laughing...

A PYL is (apparently) "pick your label". It was started by someone here who shall remain un-named to protect the innocent (if you can really believe that AA is innocent) to avoid the confusion of labels that we use for various people.

You will generally see two variants: "PYL" is a dom/me, top, master, mistress, etc. "pyl" is a submissive, bottom, slave, etc.

Occasionally you might see pYl, or Pyl, or PyL. If you do, grab it quick and put it somewhere safe; it's a collector's item.

 

[MissTaken]

Great thread, fungi!

Please, carry on.....

 

[FungiUg]

What's with the funny capitalisation?

Well, it's mostly an on-line trend amongst BDSM chatrooms, where they like the language to distinguish between your preference of Top or Bottom.

You'll notice variations which like like You/you -- they're an attempt to keep the distintion but remain inclusive.

There is some interesting reading in regards to historical use of capitalisation in comparison to our current use of capitalisation for proper nouns. If you do a search on "ee cummings" you should run across some of it.

Do you need to do it? Well, it really depends on which chat rooms you hang out in. Some require it. Some don't. Certainly Lit doesn't. (I personally refuse to do it, but that's me.)

As an interesting but related aside, if you are at all curious, check out Etoile's postings on Spivak Pronouns.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

What is the true progression of BDSMers? Is 24/7 the ultimate form?

BDSM, a catch all acronym itself encompasses too many things to count. I won't get into the relative value of them, but there is no overarching super-sekrit list only the initiated may peruse which ranks different aspects on a scale of relative merit.

If all you like is to be tied up, or spanked, or both, then you are just as much a part of the BDSM scene as those who live in a 24/7 relationship.

There is no roadmap or progression from one aspect of the scene to the other , providing a path to true BDSM enlightenment.

Each person is different, with different needs and wants, and just because they may one aspect and not the other does not mean they are any less a part of the community.

I will leave the discussion of what belongs underneath the BDSM umbrella to be disccused in the Curious started by Netzach, as that is another subject entirely.

 

[FungiUg]

What is BDSM?

BDSM is an acronym, which ostensibly stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism. Of course, being the contrary buggers that we are, we overload the middle two letters to also stand for Dominance, Submission.

You will also see people use the acronyms B&D, D/s and S&M to reference a particular "area" or "section" of BDSM.

There is a great deal of discussion in the forum as to what exactly qualifies as BDSM and what doesn't. But generally speaking, those three areas of interest are it.

 

[slut_4daddy]

Re: What is BDSM?

BDSM is an acronym, which ostensibly stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism. Of course, being the contrary buggers that we are, we overload the middle two letters to also stand for Dominance, Submission.

You will also see people use the acronyms B&D, D/s and S&M to reference a particular "area" or "section" of BDSM.

There is a great deal of discussion in the forum as to what exactly qualifies as BDSM and what doesn't. But generally speaking, those three areas of interest are it.

I've also seen the SM part used as Slave and Master.

and of course dominance and submission can also be Dominant and Submissive- but that's almost spliting hairs.

It's a real multipurpose acronym.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: What is BDSM?

I've also seen the SM part used as Slave and Master.

Really? I haven't run into that one myself (although I can well believe it.) Wouldn't the Masters get all offended by trailing the slave though?

I have seen M/s used -- similar to D/s (and yes, in that context it would be Dominant/submissive).

 

[m wisdom]

Re: Re: What is BDSM?

I've also seen the SM part used as Slave and Master.

and of course dominance and submission can also be Dominant and Submissive- but that's almost spliting hairs.

It's a real multipurpose acronym.

I have never seen that but I have seen BDSMS where the last MS is for Master / Slave, but it's rare.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

If you have a Question about something...

Look in the BDSM Library and find out what has been discussed before on the subject.

Our resident Librarians (present and past) have done a great job of indexing the discussions here by topic, as well as proviing links to resources off-site.

If you don't find anything exactly pertaining to your question please ask! If you do, feel free to bump the thread and get some additional input from the current denizens of the forums.

You will find that you are not alone in your thoughts and ideas, and it is a wonderful feeling to know this comraderie.

If you do decide to start a new thread on a particular subject, do not get offended if one of the regulars here point you to the resources of the Library. The fact that you are on this site is an indicator that you enjoy reading, so make use of the resources and read

 

[WriterDom]

How to get my totally turned off partner interested in Domming me?

While not impossible, I've seen this question many times and have never had someone report back with a lasting success story. And it has never worked for anyone I've known.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: How to get my totally turned off partner interested in Domming me?

I just want to expand on WD's earlier post a little.

Firstly, this applies equally to the reverse of wanting your partner to submit to you. If he or she isn't submissive, you're gonna be struggling to make it happen.

Secondly, there are cases I have run into when it HAS worked. And those cases have been around communicaton. Basically if you talk to your partner, and discover that they are interested in exploring dominance or submission. It's not uncommon for submissives to be subconciously attracted to a dominant partners, whether they are openly D/s or not.

So talking to your partner CAN unconver the fact that they too wish to explore this area. On the other hand, you may discover that they have no such urge. Either way, your first step is to talk to your partner.

The reason why if you want your partner to be dominant or submissive and they're not, and you can't change them is... people very rarely change. By the time we are adults, our personality patterns are largely fixed for life. That includes sexuality.

So in that situation, my recommendation has always been either to accept that you love your partner for who they are and stop trying to change them... or move on. Neither is easy, I'm afraid. So it's not good news.

There are stacks of other threads on Lit that discuss exactly these situations, and many of the Lit posters have been there, done that. So do feel free to hit the library and go looking for more advice and thought provoking material.

 

[FungiUg]

Where do I find a partner in the next 5 minutes?

I've seen many variants of this question. The reality is that very few BDSM folk will jump into bed with you after only 5 minutes of getting to know you.

Finding a partner is hard. Keeping a partner is hard. Both are work, and both require patience. Don't ever think otherwise. Adding a requirement for compatible kinks only makes things harder.

I'm afraid I have no good news for this one. You will find a partner... when it happens. Until then, my only recommendation is to follow the three P's:

Practice Pretend Patience.

There are a stack of sites on the 'net that have personal ads to help you find potential partners. Lit itself has an area for that purpose. Those can help. As can going along to munches or play parties at local BDSM groups.

Best of luck.

Note: Yes, you can find online play partners in 5 minutes. Or hell, 30 seconds would probably do.

 

[FungiUg]

Is BDSM Abuse?

The simple answer is: No.

The complicated answer is, well, complicated. People who practice BDSM can be abusive (we are not angels.) But BDSM itself is not abuse, and certainly the community goes out of its way to discourage abuse.

There's a stack of interesting reading around this one that I highly recommend.

Library of discussions around abuse

 

[AngelicAssassin]

If you're a masochist

and wish to indulge in some self-abuse, don't go to the library, nor search.

Click Here.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: If you're a masochist

and wish to indulge in some self-abuse, don't go to the library, nor search.

Click Here.

LOL, it was a good thread with a diversity of answers from some of our most experienced posters. Thanks AA for posting the link.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

What are "safe words"?

There are three questions here (the lovely Miss Diva has asked me if I could answer them here for her.)

What are safe words?

A safe word is something that a dominant and submissive agree on ahead of time so that the submissive can halt or slow down proceedings.

The most common safe words I have seen used are the "traffic lights" of red, orange and green. In that way a submissive can let a dominant know how he or she is coping (or not).

Why do I need them?

Because dominants aren't infallible, nor are they mind-readers. A lot of BDSM play is "edgy" -- we like to push limits, or play right on the edge of limits. Without care, we can easily go OVER those limits. For that reason, the submissive maintaining an element of control in regards to limits makes sense.

Often in a scene, the words "no" and "stop" can simply be ignored. So the submissive needs a specific word that the dominant has agreed to acknowledge.

There's the whole issue of who is really in control in a scene where safe words are used. I really don't want to go into that here -- there are a stack of discussions in the library around this issue.

When should I use my safe words?

When you need to. It's always a judgement call. Obviously a submissive who safe calls too early is going to annoy the dominant and lose out on any additional potentiality of the scene. But you do need to stay safe, so don't wait until it's too late.

Here's the library thread on the discussions around safe words and safe calls.

Library - Safe Words and Safe Calls

 

[Etoile]

Re: What's with the funny capitalisation?

As an interesting but related aside, if you are at all curious, check out Etoile's postings on Spivak Pronouns.

Why thank you! I'm pleased that you felt that thread was interesting enough to mention in this section.

For more on capitalization, check out this thread.

 

[FungiUg]

Do certain type of personalities make better PYL/pyl?

Again, this question was posted to me by Miss Diva.

This is a REALLY complicated question. So do excuse me if I ramble.

The simple answer is that submissive and dominance are personality traits, and hence dominant personalities make better "PYL's" and submissive personalities make better "pyl's".

Reality doesn't really fit well with that simple answer. Yes, dominance and submission are personality traits, but they are traits that every person has to some degree or another. So often it's the balance of personality traits that can make a person dominant or submissive.

And then of course, we have people who are (as an example) dominant in their career, but then submissive otherwise. Or vice-versa. So you might say that their personality has "modes".

Some people crave pain, or crave inflicting pain. They make good choices for S&M. But a dominant who doesn't crave inflicting pain can still make a good sadist, simply because what they crave is the ability to stretch a submissive to his or her limits... and that process will include inflicting pain.

Also, what is a "better" dominant? What is a "better" submissive? These are very subjective: what I think is the "better" submissive will differ from another dominant's "better".

My personal belief is that what I have referred to as "alpha personalities" make better dominants AND submissives. Why? It's all about passion. However, that is MY belief, and if you talk to another person, they are likely to have another viewpoint.

So what it really amounts to is finding the best person for you. And that is a judgement call. You need to know yourself, and you need to experiment, be willing to be hurt to get out there and find someone that is the best counterpart to yourself.

Pay attention to the type of people YOU are attracted to, or who work best for you. That can help you better choose people who are suitable and eliminate those who are not. Be prepared for exceptions. And pay attention to your heart as well as your mind -- for the best partner, they need to be in agreement.

 

[slut_4daddy]

Re: Do certain type of personalities make better PYL/pyl?

Again, this question was posted to me by Miss Diva.

"PYL's" and submissive personalities make better "pyl's".

What is PYL and what is pyl?

Thanks.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Re: Re: Do certain type of personalities make better PYL/pyl?

What is PYL and what is pyl?

Thanks.

see the 5th posting in this thread

 

[slut_4daddy]

Re: Do certain type of personalities make better PYL/pyl?

Also, what is a "better" dominant? What is a "better" submissive? These are very subjective: what I think is the "better" submissive will differ from another dominant's "better".

I would think that a 'better' dominant or 'better' submissive would be one who wants to be in that roll, is happy in that roll and is well matched with a partner who is compatible and happy in their roll.