Forgiveness

[BlueSugar]

Is it earned?
Is it given?

Have you forgiven and then after a few days/week or so thought back on it and it ate you away and you take back the forgiveness and walk away altogether?

Have you been forgiven and can't be more thankful?
Were you the one forgiveness was given to and then walked out on?

Are you quick to forgive and forget?
Can one truely forget and forgive?




Give me real life situations, discuss, further the topic ... please.

 

[SweetErika]

Is it earned?
Is it given?

I think it's earned AND given. For example, I do a lot better if a person apologizes and tells me what specific steps they're taking to prevent the same type of thing from happening again, or to earn back my trust, etc. Likewise, on big things, I feel me giving an apology isn't enough, so I want to tell them what I have done or will do to try and rectify it. Actions speak louder than words in my book.

It's important to me for a person to seek forgiveness, to take responsibility for their actions and recognize the pain those actions have caused. I may forgive them to myself, but I won't say it until they've brought it up...I think that's part of the process of earning and giving it.

Have you forgiven and then after a few days/week or so thought back on it and it ate you away and you take back the forgiveness and walk away altogether?

It depends on what you mean by 'forgiven.' Do you mean saying you're forgiving, or truly doing so in your heart? I think there have been times where I've said I've forgiven something, but not truly felt it (I was hoping it would come, and wanted to be able to forgive, I suppose). I really try not to tell someone I forgive them if I don't...I'll usually say something like, "I really appreciate your apology. I have some things to think about, and would like the opportunity to do so." I guess I'm in a situation now where there are a lot of things to forgive that I haven't really. I might have thought I did, but I haven't said I have, and due in part to this realization (there are a lot of other issues too), I AM at the point of walking away.

I know it's not the question, but I've forgiven AND walked away. There have been many times in which the relationship has no future, or someone's done something that has really hurt me, and I've just let go of that and gotten out of the relationship. Forgiveness is very personal for me...it's usually more important for me to forgive to myself than it is to tell the person I forgive them. I have to feel good about it, and in the situations where I've walked away, sometimes I've said it first, and others I haven't.

Have you been forgiven and can't be more thankful?

I don't know that I've done or been forgiven for anything really huge. I think every time I am forgiven, even for something smaller, I am extremely thankful that the person is not holding a grudge and treating me the way they'd like to be treated, which is something I try to do for others.

Were you the one forgiveness was given to and then walked out on?

No, I don't believe that's ever happened to me.

Are you quick to forgive and forget?Can one truly forget and forgive?

"Quick" is hard to determine. I do forgive...I try to forgive all of the time unless it's in my best interest not to (e.g. I realize it's an abusive/damaging relationship). Why? Because it makes me feel better to let it go...holding a grudge causes nothing but stress and heartache for me. I tend to forgive and not hold it over the person, but I do not forget. I don't think that's really possible, for me at least. I just can't force my brain to forget things. I guess I see forgiving as synonymous with letting go and not always thinking, 'They might be on the verge of doing this to me again'...not always being suspicious.

Give me real life situations, discuss, further the topic ... please.

Awhile ago, B made some accusatory statements. She took two things I had said, and built up resentment and judgments. She then confronted me with her conclusion and proceeded to give me all of her "evidence" without clarifying or asking whether it was accurate. This really hurt me because she was assuming the worst, blowing two details up into horrible things. There were some other facets like it feeling like a complete attack, telling me feelings were wrong, condescension, and demanding an apology for feeling the way I did at the time of the incident. At the end of the conversation, B said she was sorry for how it went, but there was nothing else. She talked about how much the conversation hurt HER, and how upset she was.

Anyway, with time, I've forgiven B in my heart. I don't see the point in holding a grudge, but I won't forget how she handled it and the fact that she didn't make a concerted effort to apologize/ask how something like that could be avoided in the future. I can't forget that she played the victim in the whole situation. But I'm not going to be angry or hold onto that hurt, because it won't accomplish anything. As much as I'd like to, I just can't force myself to forget. But I think the memory serves a purpose...if something like that happens again, I'll recognize it as a possible pattern, and may choose to do differently.

Another one: Someone, after more than a year and telling me they loved me often, took it back and said they didn't know if they ever loved me. That really, really, really hurt, and when the relationship continued (though it almost didn't...I don't know why it did), I wondered if I could ever trust anything they would say in the future. Years later, the pain is fresh...I remember being crushed by those words. However, in time, I forgave them and started to trust what they said (a lot of it was because they gave a heartfelt apology and showed me over time their word was good). Trust built on more trust, and I completely let that go (though I'm not sure I ever said, "I forgive you."). I've never forgotten that, but after I completely forgave, I didn't hold it over their head...I didn't wonder if I could trust them anymore...I just did.

I'm not sure if those are good examples for you, but I'll keep thinking over the weekend, Blue.

 

[AppleBiter]

Is it earned?
Is it given?

I'd say it's given, never earned. Yet, I'm very hypocritical that way (and I admit it) because -- all too often -- I expect people who have wronged me to earn it. Not something I'm proud of, but then again, I'm a constant work in progress.

Have you forgiven and then after a few days/week or so thought back on it and it ate you away and you take back the forgiveness and walk away altogether?

I've never taken back the forgiveness, at least outwardly. The way I look at it, if I forgave the person in the first place, it's my duty to stick by that and to do my best to mean what I say. That isn't saying that I've never regretted forgiving someone and wished I hadn't. That has happened more frequently than I care to think about.

Have you been forgiven and can't be more thankful?

Yes.

Were you the one forgiveness was given to and then walked out on?

Never have been in those shoes.

Are you quick to forgive and forget?

Depends on the person and the deed. For instance, if my husband and I get in a fight, it's easy to forgive and forget. Fights are social farts -- they stink, they have to happen, but you end up laughing about them in the end.

However, my grandparents disowned me at the age of 8 and 16 years later, on his deathbed, my grandfather wanted my forgiveness. Not so easy to give. He's dead, now, and I haven't quite wrestled that forgiveness out of myself. I figure it'll take about 16 years. Then we'll be about square.

Can one truely forget and forgive?

Oh yes. Life is much, much too short to walk around pent up with every wrong anyone's ever done us. One of the best things I ever heard was someone telling me that forgiveness is not about the forgivee, but the forgiver -- it sets the forgiver free to move on with their life and not be weighted down with bitterness. I see that point and I'm working towards complete forgiveness. I just have a few stubborn issues that I can't seem to let go of. Ultimately, though, I definitely believe that "forgive and forget" is not only something we can do, but something we should do in order to get the most out of life.

Just my 2 cents.

AppleBiter