For the kids . . .

[Juspar Emvan]

No competition
When my parents seperated, my dad vowed he would never have any more kids. He didn't want us to feel like we'd been 'replaced'. To this day, I swear my step mother resents that and takes it out on me.


No more loss
My ex girlfriend left her husband, and worried about the effect on thier son. Later the father was killed in an accident, and the son lost him all over again (he wasn't very good at keeping in touch.)

I left 2 years ago, now she swears she will never have another man in her life, because she doesn't want risk to putting her son through that again.


Live the lie
A friends parents seperated within a week of her moving out of home. It seems they were only together 'for the kids sake.' Now she feels like all the memories of her childhood are a lie.


Happiness rubs off
My mother decided that whater happened, she would make decisions based on her own (and later hers and her husbands) happiness.

My ex accuses me of being part of the 'Brady Bunch.' The reality is that we have more than our share of family troubles. Yet I wouldn't change my childhood at all. I think my mother and step-father did the most fantastic job of raising us. And I repeatedly thank them for the tough decisions they made.

 

[Gilly Bean]

No competition
When my parents seperated, my dad vowed he would never have any more kids. He didn't want us to feel like we'd been 'replaced'. To this day, I swear my step mother resents that and takes it out on me.

When my dad remarried, I was only, and my brother 7. It was my step mom who decided in the relationship that she would rather not have any kids, because she was worried about how she would end up treating them as opposed to us.

 

[SoftPeaches]

It must be nice to have parents that even care.....my mother always put her interests above that of her kids, as did my father when he decided that being a radio DJ was more important than being a part of his children's lives. I called my parents when I was 5 weeks pregnant, to let them know they would be grandparents, thinking that some people who completely screw up in the parent department end up being fantastic grandparents. They haven't called since..........I could have miscarried for all they know. For all the ways you think your parents have wronged you, if they were there, and if they sacrificed anything in their lives for you, no matter how skewed their thinking was, the fact that they cared shows that they loved you. Just my thoughts on the subject.

 

[bluntforcemama]

I see kids come through the classroom from broken homes, it's rare to have kids that still live with both biological parents. Sometimes the children cope, sometimes they don't. It all really depends on how the parents manage the divorce. If it's a messy, nasty one, the kids suffer. If it's amiable, the kids are more likely to benefit. I was fortunate to be in a family that is still together after 25 years. My parents married when they were 19, and I still don't know how they did it, but they did, and are still completely in love with one another. I only hope that I can model that marriage within my own when I marry.

 

[Basia]

my father was abusive to my mother and I, but when my mother found out that he was hurting me, she kicked him out and became a full time stay at home mom. We where forced on welfare, because my father was not paying child support. When I was in school full time, my mother did something that my father would not allow her to do: she went back to school herself. First to got her GED then she went on to UMass Boston. Times where hard though, she made more than one attempt at her life. four years ago, my mother finally got remarried (she divorced back in 1985), and i have never seen her happier.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

That's great that things worked out Basia. I honestly believe that my mother chosing to do the things that made her happy rubbed off on us. In spite of some real hardships that we went through, I always remember my childhood as a happy one. I think parents who make decisions for 'for the kids' are fooling themselves, kids can sense the tension. No matter what the outward appearances might be, if the parents aren't happy it will effect the children.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

The hardest part for me in my divorce was when I took my daughter for a camping trip after the separation and she asked me why I didn't love her anymore. Of course I assured her I did, but helping a 6 year old understand divorce can be very difficult, and unfortunately the children suffer the brunt of it.

STG

 

[Basia]

I was three years old when the divorce was finalized. I know my father's face, but my real father is the man that has raised me for the past four years. The man who knows my likes and dislikes. The man who held my hand while I had a cast taken off, who's name I have. Who took me in his arms after I graduated highschool and told me how proud he was of me. That is my father, the man who's sperm made me is nothing more than that. Infact, he is nothing to me.

 

[morninggirl5]

The hardest part for me in my divorce was when I took my daughter for a camping trip after the separation and she asked me why I didn't love her anymore. Of course I assured her I did, but helping a 6 year old understand divorce can be very difficult, and unfortunately the children suffer the brunt of it.

STG

You are so right STG. I had dinner with a friend Friday night and during the conversationmy father came up. I was relating how his opinion was completely irrelevant in the decisions I make and she wondered why. She met him a week ago and thought he was a nice guy, good father.

For me though, deep inside, I'm still the hurting seven-year-old that he promised would always have a Daddy and then promptly forgot about. Did he suffer? Maybe, I'll never know for sure. Did I? Yeah, his actions are the beginning of a multitude of painful memories, some that I've never shared with anyone.

As an adult, I can understand that sometimes divorce is a reality, sometimes even necessary. Protecting the children and maintaining a relationship with them should be the primary priority no matter what it costs the adults in "inconvenience and bother." Twenty years later, my father decided I was important in his life and he would make decisions based on his children. That was twenty years too late in my heart, so I'm now the bad guy according to the rest of my family. I've been told to forgive and forget more times than I can count, but I'll never be able to do that.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

OK, shit, now I'm gonna cry. I can't help but see the image of my three year old daughter's lip trembling as I read that.